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Dec 2020 · 14
it's not fair
Ashley Mellinger Dec 2020
I love him more than I have ever loved anyone else.

I have loved a lot of people
I have a lot of love to give

But he—

He has my heart. He has all my love. I would give anything
/to have him right here, in my arms,
making me feel like I’m gonna be alright

But instead, I've got about 4000 miles
separating him from me.


Every ******* love song on the radio is about him.

Everywhere I look, I see people together.
They’re so happy;
Holding each other, kissing one another
Not even realizing how lucky they are.

All I want is him
I just want his company
His laughter filling my ears
His arms around my body
I just want him

Is that so ******* hard?
Why is that so ******* impossible?

It’s not ******* fair
this is rough, i know, but i had to get it out. he's so far away. i need him here.
Ashley Mellinger Jul 2020
Thank you for loving me.
For greeting me with a smile,
For encouraging me,
For picking me up when I fall down,
For forgiving my mistakes,
And reminding me I am not my faults.

Thank you for hearing me,
For listening,
For taking action,
For your careful word choice.

Thank you for reading me.
For listening to what I wasn’t saying.
For picking up but I wasn’t laying down.

Thank you for staying by my side.
For fighting for me,
For taking up a war you didn’t have to fight.

Thank you for teaching me.
For explaining so thoroughly,
For waiting so patiently,
For understanding my misspoken words,
For knowing me.

Thank you for taking the time to truly understand me.

Thank you for seeing me —
As a person,
As a gentle soul,
As an emotional teenager,
And not brushing me
Like you so easily could’ve.

Thank you for loving me
Even when it was hard.
Jun 2020 · 50
6/8/19 — unfinished
Ashley Mellinger Jun 2020
Today we said goodbye for the last time.
After this, we’re off to better and greater things.

Your face glowed in the summer sun.
My heart melted on the hot blacktop.
I wanted to tell you how I felt —
my words
not the whispers
not rumors
that you must’ve heard in the hallways.

I wanted to show you all that I’ve been hiding
but when I started to speak, you said ‘goodbye.’
You wished me good luck
as we took a quick photo.

I’ve never seen you
look so beautiful.
I’ve never felt
so crushingly devastated.
Oct 2019 · 57
12:53
Ashley Mellinger Oct 2019
I’m laying in bed,
clutching my pillow
wishing it was you.
I never realized how cold,
lonely,
sad
these blankets have always been.

I’m laying in bed,
eyes wide open,
unable to sleep.
I never realized how cold,
lonely,
sad
I am without you
Oct 2019 · 550
1:30
Ashley Mellinger Oct 2019
it’s half past one
and I’m laying in bed
wide awake.
I’m thinking of you,
your smile,
your lips,
your bright eyes,
your love.

it’s half past seven
and you best be out of bed,
just barely awake.
I hope you’re thinking of me,
my smile,
my lips,
my bright eyes,
my love.

the ocean between us
breaks my heart
but you know I’d give
every piece to you
Ashley Mellinger Apr 2019
Life is not fair. You will face challenges and the world will try to knock you down. Stand strong.

2. You most valuable possession is your voice. Don’t let anyone steal it. Use it. Make yourself heard. Be proud.

3. You are so much more than your body. You are healthy. You are strong. You don’t need to be thin to be beautiful.

4. Love always wins. One day, you will meet the love of your life. Things will not be perfect, but they will be good. You will be joyful.

5. You are not your parents. You are not their mistakes. You don’t need to please their every expectation. You are not going to be perfect. But you are their daughter, and know that they did their best.

6. Intelligence is not ****. Confidence is not ****. Self-love is not ****. These are essential if you want to survive. Don’t do things to please men. Do things for yourself.

7. It is okay to be alone. As long as you are safe, you can enjoy things in your own company. Sometimes you need to focus on yourself.

8. Silence is golden. It gives you time to think. That is not always a bad thing. Learn the sound of your heart beating. It is keeping you alive.

9. Ignorance is not bliss. Educate yourself. Ask questions. Never stop learning. Keep wondering. Discover everything.

10. Not everyone will like you. Not everyone has to. Don’t change yourself to cater to other people. Do not listen to the lies they tell you. You are enough as yourself. You are perfectly okay.
If only I had who I am now as a role model when I was younger, I’d be so much better off. But I had to go through what I did to get to this point. For that, I am grateful.
Mar 2019 · 67
stepping stones
Ashley Mellinger Mar 2019
Will the journey be long?
>>Yes, but you will survive.
Will it be difficult?
>>Yes, but you will win the war.

Who will help me along the way?
>>You will meet the friends you need.
Will they stay? Are they loyal?
>>The true ones never leave.

How long is it going to take?
>>Your whole life, my love.
And what if I have to rest?
>>Take all the time you need.
Mar 2019 · 42
This I Believe
Ashley Mellinger Mar 2019
I believe all dogs go to Heaven and that literary classics aren’t always that great.

I believe books have the power to change minds.

I believe thunderstorms are just the angels going bowling; their strikes become lighting.

I believe my favorite yellow dress protects me angainst insecurities and my combat boots make me more confident.

I believe potatoes afe the superior vegetable and that Wendy’s fries are almost, almost as good as Chick-Fil-A’s.

I believe in parallel universes and wish on shooting stars.

I believe dreams can come true and that the subconscious reveals to us our deepest desires and biggest fears.

I believe there is a sisterhood between all women, an intuition, a responsibility to protect and hold each other accountable.

I believe artificial cherry is the best flavor of anything, but my body craves natural produce.

I believe the beauty industry is trying to **** us.

I believe every woman should have control over her own body, not the government, not somebody else’s religion.

I believe that love always wins.

I believe that people cannot meet their full potential until their physical needs are met.

I believe that young girls are tr future, and that we must be educated to take on the world, learning to save ourselves before we save this nation.

I believe one person can make a difference.
Ashley Mellinger Feb 2019
the year of anxiety and emotional breakdowns
we asked our doctors for xanax

crying ourselves to sleep
waking up at ungodly hours

using study tips we found on the internet:
quizlet, kahoots,

khan academy

replacing lunch hours with study halls
desperate to get our projects done

on time

wondering why I haven’t had my period
in months

why I can’t ever seem
to relax

or how many more productive ways
I could have spent my time today

besides calculating the lowest score I could get
but still pass the class

watching movies on netflix
like the gospel,

hunched over in bed, clad in pajamas and tear stains,
crying over my math test marked with a B

because I only feel smart
when I get a perfect grade.

if you don’t get an A,
you are failing.

by the time I was sixteen, I had already experienced
being average, meeting expectations and failing

as a child, gifted was the first word
my teachers used to describe me

which didn’t haunt me
until I found out it was supposed to

when I passed pre-calculus, my dad was so proud
he started carrying my report cards

above the visor in his car

so relieved he could stop worrying
would I get into a good college?

he saw a program on the news
about the epidemic with depression

says he is just so glad to finally see me
taking care of myself

if you develop depression
when you are already broken to begin with

you go to the hospital

if you develop depression
when you are not already broken to begin with

you get told to “**** it up”

so when my grades started dropping,
everyone was disappointed in me

for being lazy

teachers who never spoke to me before
stopped me in the hall to ask if I’m okay

I say, I am sick
they say, No, you are

just incompetent

how could I not
hate myself?

with becoming the kind of mistake
people are supposed to learn from?

why would I ever want to
stop studying

when my intelligence was the most
interesting thing about me?

so, how lucky it is now,
to be boring

the way not going to guidance
is boring

the way looking at a 86%
and only seeing a B, not a failure

or fourteen points marked off
is boring

my story may not be as impressive as it used
to be, but at least there is nothing left

to count

the calculator in my head
finally stopped

I used to love the feeling of passing a hard test,
being the only one in the class to do so

not obsessed with being perfect
but afraid of being flawed

I used to take pride in being
top of the class

now, I am proud to have stopped
seeking revenge on this body

this was the year of accepting my grades
when they weren’t immaculate

without punishing myself

and I know it sounds ridiculous
but that is so hard

when I was little,
someone asked me

what I wanted to be
when I grew up

and I said,

smart
this is an imitation poem, writing in the style of Blythe Baird, my favorite poet ever. if she sees this, I hope she likes it
Feb 2019 · 206
dissonance
Ashley Mellinger Feb 2019
It’s easy for anyone to associate harmony with music.
I’m no exception.
I’ve been an alto since I learned how to sing,
Dedicating the past seven years to rhythmic consonance.
That’s not the case for what’s in my heart.
In fact, the past seven years,
I’ve felt at constant war with myself.
Ironic, coming from a pacifist.
I can’t love my neighbor as myself,
If I’ve never known that feeling.
I’ve been taught to despise
Every one of my imperfections,
Learned how to hide my flaws;
Nothing but perfection was accepted.
None of my friends know the depth of sadness,
The dark in my heart,
Or the intensity of my rage.
I don’t know who I am,
Or who I want to be.
Nothing about my emotional state
Sings like a four-part harmony.
Nothing goes together,
It’s all a mess,
Pointlessly swept under the carpet
And I hope against hope
No one is smart enough to look underneath.
I can’t write about peace
If I never seem to relax.
I can’t pretend I’m alright
When I stress over everything.
I’ve never known harmony
Outside of sheet music,
And I’m terrified I never will.
Sep 2018 · 307
You Are a Goddess
Ashley Mellinger Sep 2018
You are a goddess
And your body is a temple
I want to worship.

Your legs are columns,
standing strong,
holding you up right.

Your hair is a veil of golden sunshine,
a diadem that shows your royalty,
your divinity.

Your laugh is a song,
like a hymn in a cathedral.

You’ve got the voice of an angel
and the key to my heart.

When I close my eyes
and try to picture Heaven,
I can only see your bright face,
your earthy eyes
and your smile that outshines the sun.

I lost myself when I found you,
but gained an understating
only a deity could comprehend.
Before I met you, I believed in love
as much as I did in God,
but you guided me back to both.
Sep 2017 · 250
Sangre
Ashley Mellinger Sep 2017
Estoy viendo en rojo
Todo es estamos cubiertos de sangre
Y todo lo que creo, lo que puedo
Es: "Tengo hambre."

Como estoy rodeada de la muchedumbre
Me siento abrumada
La gente está haciendo preguntas
Pero no puedo ser la informante

Estoy muy ira
¡Están enfadándome!
Ellos no saben lo que he pasado
¡Me gustaría verlos en el combate!

Quiero gritar, "¡La guerra ha terminado!"
Y solo volver a mi raigambre
Ignorando los, camino lejos
Y todos estamos cubiertos de sangre
Sep 2016 · 545
tell me you love me
Ashley Mellinger Sep 2016
tell me you love me.
say it louder.
convince me that you love me.

tell me you love me.
even when I'm screaming at you,
even when I'm crying in your arms,
even when I destroy myself before your very eyes.
tell me you love me.

tell me you love me.
even when my hair is a mess in the morning,
even when I haven't showered and I look like trash,
even when I'm still in my pajamas,
and it's three in the afternoon.
tell me you love me.

tell me you love me.
even when my eyes are bloodshot,
even when my voice is gone,
even when I lie straight to your face.
tell me you love me.

tell me you love me.
even when I don't know who I am,
even when I text you in the middle of the night,
even when I can't love myself.
tell me you love me.

tell me you love me.
even when I double, triple, quadruple text you,
even when I message you on every app,
even when I tell you my true feelings in between memes.
tell me you love me.

tell me you love me.
even when I can't process my thoughts,
even when I can't say what I mean,
even when I stutter when I talk.
tell me you love me.

tell me you love me.
say it louder.
convince me that you love me.
I was going to go scream at my boyfriend about how he's getting into a big mess by dating me, I'm not worth his time, he's just going to get hurt, blah blah blah. but instead, I wrote this because, quite frankly, it's what I need. I need him to tell me he loves me.
Jun 2016 · 465
Papa
Ashley Mellinger Jun 2016
Hans Hubermann,
you had to love the man. (pg. 342)

he has soft, gentle eyes,
the color of melting silver, metallic. (pg. 34, 36)
a tired smile to match, (pg. 64)
but had a roaring laugh. (pg. 67)

his face wondered and traveled,
but disclosed no answers. (pg. 71)

always defends and protects,
even when angry or upset. (pg. 244)
his voice quiet and calm. (pg. 498)

escaped two deaths (pg. 34)
before dying in his sleep. (pg. 498)

kind, yet stupid
makes him an idiot,
but he's only a man. (pg. 204)

he never failed her. (pg. 493)
he was always there (pg. 34)
at least by midscream. (pg. 36)
he always knew what to say. (pg. 65)
"shh, it's alright. I'm here." (pg. 36, 37)
A found poem from "the Book Thief" by Markus Zusak.

— The End —