In her pretty brown eyes
You could see it
Even with that dainty smile
Her happiness
Vanished
She saw
The disgust
As she looked in the mirror
The hatred
Took over
Her self-love
The pain
Changed
Her mindset
Now
She had sleepless nights full of hopes and dreams
Where
Her tear stained cheeks hit the pillow
She was troubled
Her only wish
Was
Becoming an aura that made people think of the color yellow
She remembers when
If anyone asked
She would’ve said
“I’m used to it.”

Now read from bottom to top.

somehow you end up in my dreams
& I’m left wanting more sleep
you, on the other hand
wish I would go away
& stay out of your life
I wish you’d understand that I’ve spent many nights
with my face in my pillow
hoping for a sign to move on
but instead I just hope that someday we’ll be friends again.
yesterday, you proved that that’ll never happen.
the countless hours I’ve spent reminiscing
with tear stained cheeks
& a stomach full of twist & turns
was for nothing.
you’ve made the past few months of my life a constant fear
of rejection & hurt
but I still held onto the,
“he’ll come back. he will.”
you’re not coming back
& I’m done waiting.

I’ve been lost in my own head
my thoughts racing every which way
I’m trying to decide what’s best for me
only to end up dazed every waking day.
I hear the words,
“what’s been up with you lately?”
rather than,
“I’m here for you if you need me.”
if a genie gave me a few wishes,
I’d ask him for happiness & clarity
but what I want the most
is to get rid of my hostility
my tears have dropped
my hope has fallen
and as many times as my heart has been broken
it has once again

I beat loud when you see him,
I race when he smiles and laughs,
but I sink when he doesn’t give you attention
and you wish for something other than just a photograph.
I’ve been broken many times,
please don’t let another in,
I’m patiently waiting to heal another crack,
maybe I should already begin.
I told you not to wear me on your sleeve,
when has that been good for you?
you know you care too much,
look at it from my point of view.
you yearn for him to want you,
just like the last,
I’m sorry this keeps happening,
but don’t forget the past.
I asked you to be careful,
and I know you’ve tried,
he makes you giddy & excited,
but most of all tongue-tied.
he’s more than you’ve known,
a good guy for you,
is it the right time?
I wish that I knew.
they always say to follow me,
I never understood why,
I’ve always been fragile,
especially when you have to say goodbye.
take this as a lesson,
the answers will come soon,
maybe as a sign,
like the phases of the moon.
I’ll keep beating,
we’ll get through this together,
I’ve never given up on you,
and I hope he doesn’t either.

I miss being vulnerable
the feeling of being open
the ability to be exposed
and pretend I’m not broken
I miss letting people in on my secrets
I miss people wondering my fears
I miss people wanting to know more and more
but all those people have disappeared
those people took parts of me with them
leaving holes inside for me to find
maybe that’s why my heart hums
but I have to keep an open mind
I’ll hide the pieces people have left for me
(I wish people would’ve done the same with mine)
I’ll pick them up and hold them dearly
(oh and I wonder why I’m so confined)
do I really miss being vulnerable?
letting people in?
I can keep telling myself, “people always leave”
but I’ll only regret it in the end.