The greatest pain
I have ever known
is the pain of motherhood

When my Sunshine is crying
and there’s nothing I can do,
or worse,
because of what I’ve done,
it feels unbearable,
and yet

my mother
and all mothers before her
bore this pain.

Motherhood begins with pain,
and lives alongside it.

Is such a dark foil necessary
to appreciate its joys?
I think not...
There is nothing brighter
than my Sunshine’s laughter.

But then again,
I’ll never know.
I’ve only ever seen their brilliance
set against this darkness.

My feet sink into the pebbles
as I make my way down the stony beach.
I leave deep foot holes behind me with each step.
This, the last twenty feet
of a fifteen hundred mile journey
to see Her.

She’s always held my heart.

Too many years in the desert sun
left me sick with longing for Her,
my soul, parched.

As I escaped into the mountains
to mourn my mother,
She called to me from the trees.

As I observed the lush, green landscape,
tears welled up in my eyes
and my yearning for Her became consuming.

As the wind blew through the trees
and the fields of grass & wildflowers,
I heard Her voice beckon to me.

A week and over a thousand miles later,
here I am,
sitting at Her feet.

I listen to Her intently
as each wave crashes gently ashore
and slowly ripples away through the pebbles
as the foam fizzles back into Her shallows.

I reach into Her cool waters,
and they breathe life into my sun-dried skin.

I had yearned for Her like a lover,
and like a lover I still yearn for Her now,
even as I am with Her.

As long as I’m bound to this flesh prison,
there is no amount of Her I can have
which will satisfy my longing for the Sea.

As we part one night,
I catch myself about to say
“I love you”

Words I’d said to her countless times,
but words I hadn’t spoken
since that night our lips first met,
since familiarity turned to yearning,
since we went from friends to lovers,
since I fell in love with her.

I ask her then,
“When is an ‘I love you’ different?”

She looks into my eyes
as we stand in this empty parking lot,
a puzzled look passes across her face
before a subtle, limerent smile takes its place.
“I guess it’s different when it feels different.”

“It feels different. I love you.”

Standing back in this yard
I haven’t seen in a quarter century,
I turn to my mom,
my throat tight

“Living here was the last time
I can remember being happy.”

She looks into my eyes,
as hers well up.

“Me too.”

I do not know sleep.
Captured by unholy night,
suffering Stockholm.

I love you
Always and forever

One truth
One lie

Spoken in naive sincerity,
undiscerning of myth and reality

Magic may be real,
but it’s the ever after
that makes a fairytale

Betrothed to the Earth,
I have wrapped her in my waters

She has been with me from the beginning,
And together we have filled my waters with life

But I long for the Moon.
She calls to me nightly.

Her shining light ignites me with joy.
On a cloudless night,
We create unmatched beauty
As her reflection dances
On my rippling waters.

As she draws nearer to me,
so do I to her.

These tides are all we have.
The Earth cannot share her Ocean.
Her gravity anchors me down.

But I long for the Moon,
And the Moon longs for me.

My waters swell with tears,
The Moon’s and mine.

A little girl sits
on a wooden pony,
stuck on the carnival ride,
surrounded by flashing lights,
repetitive circus music,
and noisy crowds.

The spinning around
and going up and down
has her disconnected from herself.

She’s scared this ride will never end.

She cries out,

I’m done now!
I want to get off!
I want it to stop!
I need my mommy…
please?

But no one hears —
her voice, trapped deep inside,
claws at her throat.
She chokes on the silence
but no matter how hard she tries,
it won’t come out.

The ride goes on.