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427 · Apr 2014
Soft moments
AprilDawn Apr 2014
flood into
this solid construct
I have built
brick by brick
to make everyday
survivable
another  edge crumbles
when whisked off
by granules
of salt soaked regrets.
Brick house , trying to be mighty mighty in the face of  sorrow's continuous onslaught   . Written in 2007.
427 · Apr 2014
Tossed
AprilDawn Apr 2014
into the fray
no safety net
breathless fear
clings
onto slick surface of sanity
Life's unknown variables.
426 · Jun 2014
Gray Birds
AprilDawn Jun 2014
perched
on the  wire
just above  the  bedroom window
your midnight  cackles
are not  welcome
my tired eyes
hope for sweet release
one stray
crackle
and it’s
lights out
  bird face
Sorry to offend  PETA  or  bird watchers  , but those birds  are loud at night.
426 · Apr 2016
Another
AprilDawn Apr 2016
set of eyes
to evaluate the clues
of  your untimely demise
I hope these finally spot
whatever horrible plot
stole your days
from us all
another
call made
another
dead end
paved
with unseen motives
conspiracy theories
not yet revealed
answers craved
to this real life suspense
before
another
sad anniversary
flips this calendar
forward
I live with a real life mystery  and have since my husband of  nearly 20 years   was murdered by a yet   unknown  person  .As the years  move forward   and  the struggle for answers with each call to the authorities  nets  no new knowledge  gains  for the past almost  14 years.
425 · May 2014
The Days
AprilDawn May 2014
slip away
and I remember
even less
of you
my life has
  melted into
tomorrows
you’ll never see
Yes, don't know if it's a function of surviving tragedy by our brains -I only remember certain  memories  not daily life as much anymore.Written   in 2006 or 7 I believe .
422 · Jul 2015
Wiped
AprilDawn Jul 2015
that last glimmer of hope
off my face
unmasked sorrow
invades my  every thought
for everything
that comes
next
I see  that  slip of  space
between life and death  
become thinner
and thinner
Dedicated  to  my fiance's  father . His fight is hard , and we all  care for him so.
416 · Jan 2015
Drained
AprilDawn Jan 2015
your absence
runs through me
in puddles
of mud
I long for your lightest
caress
just yesterday
sunlight mirrored
your crystal clear
intent
to dress me
in the
whitest
gossamer shimmers
desolate winds
now
rebuke my memories
the slightest  freezing rain
brings back
glimmers of hope
that our  brief  
entanglement
was no mere
fluke
We had a brilliant fluffy snow just a few days back,lit by the sunlight   our  whole winter world shimmered again.It melted  and the drab    muddiness   depressed me slightly.This tree longing for  it's snowy lover  sprang to my mind this afternoon.Slight rhyme scheme too ...
416 · Dec 2015
Barren
AprilDawn Dec 2015
branches
wrapped  around
pink pulled taffy
clouds
this  last  dream
of  daylight
fades into  
rumors of  night  
skies
smoky with sorrows
and lost  
possibilities
stream of consciousness ,  all about our late   autumn skies ..
415 · Jun 2014
Can You
AprilDawn Jun 2014
see me
out here
stripped raw
thin veneer
of laughter and hope
displayed
on my every day
face

Can You
see me
stranded
next to my bed
cascades of
screaming covers
at my feet
every
night

Can You
see me
feet planted
on the solid  ground
of your love
every memory  
folded inside -
a tender caress
on
mussed  sheets
The  first  months of raw anguish, then the grieving  years  and  for  the past half decade  or so  the learning to love and live  almost normally again.
412 · May 2014
Bright Lights
AprilDawn May 2014
pollute
every inch of window space
no room for shadows
moon glow a no show
pull my eyelids tight
yank the plastic shades
as far as they’ll go
to lay down my fears
for the night.
a bit of a rhyme scheme there ...not intentional either.Written in 2007 , rental home  in Massachusetts  right behind a Buick dealership.Fluorescent signs   totally  lit  the back side  of our house  porch, laundry area, dining room  , living room and  my bedroom !
411 · Jul 2016
Sweet Tea
AprilDawn Jul 2016
drunk
way too late
and I knew it
Caffeine
holds me hostage
deep into the wee hours
of the morn
life stories parade
through my mind
with a vengeance
sleep creeps slyly away
hidden
in layers of tangled hot sheets
regrets laced with
fears
bunch up my pillows
he snores next to me
almost rhythmically
it’s ok
at least someone
in this bed
is catching a few winks
I forget how sensitive I am to caffeinated beverages past 6 PM at night !
409 · Apr 2014
Happy Endings
AprilDawn Apr 2014
Rain smacks down
on every inch
of the  walkway stones
the grout is cracked
in too many places
to count
jagged edges
rest in well worn grooves
the path still
faithfully leads
faces
to my front door .
A wet spring   washes away   winter's  last  call.Spring 2007  I wrote this  one.
409 · Apr 2014
Allow No Substitutes
AprilDawn Apr 2014
You won’t be
Him
You will be
You
with my attentions  riveted
to the curve of your smile
and the  glint in your eyes
and  love smeared across your face
like  freshly made  plum jelly
My next partner , I always thought, will never replace my husband.
And he has not.
407 · Apr 2014
Tangle
AprilDawn Apr 2014
of moments
I dare to  call my life
  linear mortal that
I am ,
still spending way too much time
suspended in
          yesterday
when today is not totally unfurled.
Written in 2005 , edited recently  , this piece was  my  continual struggle to  find my way through  this  different life  I was ****** into unexpectedly.
407 · Jul 2015
Front row
AprilDawn Jul 2015
and center
our  sad eyes  
watch   you fade
into nursing home
bed sheets and blankets
hearts break  
  with every  
embattled breath  
everyone
just trying to keep you
in some
sort of comfort
as you fidget and fuss
   propped up and down
moved about  
like  a rag doll
not very long  ago  
life was a bit more
normal
now your ravaged body
and  busy brain
are  totally out of sync
I didn't know you long
yet your life
has left  marks
on my heart
as your final days
loom
all too near
in the dead of night
I try to  comfort
your grown  son  
whose lifetime  hero
is  leaving
this world
behind
My fiance's  72  year old father's  fight with prostate cancer is nearing  an end as it has spread.He put up a good fight and had a nearly normal life until  about 2 months ago.Bed bound now  his final days  are agony to watch  for his entire  family and wife.I have only been a part of this family for 7 years  and never watched a slower  death like this , it is   hard to witness.
406 · Nov 2014
Thanksgiving
AprilDawn Nov 2014
Stick a fork in it
and call it  
yours
stuff your pie
hole
and please
don't smile
then sit back
and enjoy
  the insides
of your eyelids
but do it fast
'cause someone
you love
is stealing
the remote control
from your
greasy hand
In honor of American Thanksgiving .....
399 · Aug 2014
Between Worlds
AprilDawn Aug 2014
yesterdays  seem
so long behind
today  is  close at hand
tomorrow is a heartbeat away
if   luck holds true
sandwiched  
within the layers of years
try to find
what  could get me through
this daily
mortal toil
I find myself  using my past  sad , or  glad  to help me through todays. Wicked storms  make sunshine  ever so much sweeter.
394 · Feb 2017
Call dropped
AprilDawn Feb 2017
can't really reach You
  anymore
everything is
disappearing
our old arguments
as well
bits
just  drop away
everyday
naked fear left behind
strangling your mind
normality already
a thing of the past
I  am not sure
when it happened
crept up slow and stealthy
this drawn out
goodbye
not knowing
when my cameo role
in your heart
will fade away
to nothing
Another one about watching my Mama fade away  , this was actually the first one I wrote  a few months back. My Mom and I  didn't always see eye to eye  all my life  .She  loved me in her own way . I am trying to remember that  instead of all the   issues....
393 · Apr 2014
Sad Cookie
AprilDawn Apr 2014
Soggy sorrow's
bittersweet bite
nibbles my spirit  
ever so slightly
a nip here
a nip there  
crumbled
I remain
upon
dry lips
This  poem is actually  a dramatization of   our  hound's quest to retrieve a soggy oatmeal raisin cookie out of our outdoor in ground  hot tub  in Texas  one  warm March evening .We were hot tubbing  and snacking  on sandwiches and cookies  , and being careful  that she didn't get any  of the food  .When she decided  to jump into the hot tub with my daughter holding the cookie. Rescue efforts ensued as she  scratched and clawed   to not drown . We got her out of the hot tub  unscathed  and soaking wet, but we also  had to put down the cookie. She got out of the tub  and swooped up  that last  soaked crumb we had set aside to rescue her  !
392 · Feb 2015
Drifts
AprilDawn Feb 2015
swirl  up
deep piles
of blinding snow
your bones  and skin
stockpile  memories of
winters past
you use
to  get warmer
so much
quicker
go ahead
take  that little  nip
  of  liquor
to take the edge off
puffs of icy
chills
and  porch step spills
as  slick spots
catch   tensed boot
soles  
  you see white  
up close and personal
not quite
the  sweet  winter treat  
you envisioned
partaking
in
getting colder  and whiter ...not our usual   weather sphere here abouts
388 · Nov 2014
Sparks
AprilDawn Nov 2014
fly
not magic
just static
fuzzy slippers slipping
along the  carpet
only heat
my  stone cold bones
are feeling
          today
I wrote a version of this poem when I lived in New England about seven years ago.It's been   so  cold  this  year so far  so early in the  season , I brought this  sucker back from  the dusty archives !
387 · Apr 2014
Passenger
AprilDawn Apr 2014
Grief rides with me  
wherever I go,
whether I walk
around the house
in my jammies,
read a poem
to a group
of strangers,
or watch a flower bud
burst open-
each breath knows
what use to be
will not come back.
Written in 2006.Raw  moments   while still processing my loss.
386 · May 2014
Wish
AprilDawn May 2014
Easy Bake Oven
I lack
cannot make cake
in my bedroom
I Promise
not to bake
my Barbies
Mom
Something I desperately wanted   as a kid. I think it held back my decent  baking years  .I learned to bake   finally at  22.Was a long  ,hard road to that point though...could have been avoided ...(pointed  sigh)
384 · Jul 2014
Four Thirty PM
AprilDawn Jul 2014
July 14, 2002
everything indelibly inked
in my memory
  our love of  two decades
gone
in the blink of an eye
your light extinguished
all that was  
ceased to be
innocence lost
someone wanted you dead
stacks of  information
racks of paperwork
 sad faces
phone calls
nights  in a puddle of tears  
sleeping in the bed we shared
weren't you  just here ?
where are you  now?
can you see our anguish?
our fight to survive
while going through the motions
my mind repeating your  name  
over and over again
as if those were the magic words
to bring you back to  this life
so empty and yet so full
mind numbing pain
consumed
my every waking moment
filled the corners of my body
with stark  grief
then  scattered to bits
and
dumped
into an abyss
of
undeniable pain
I began   to talk  on paper   about  what had just happened  12 years ago  ,
trying  not to sound   cliched and maudlin if anyone should read the harrowing narrative  drenched  in sorrow  and change.Yet wanting to formulate it into words.
376 · Aug 2014
Fact Of Life
AprilDawn Aug 2014
my  hound dog
she don't love me
she just loves
my
fingers of cheese
written  several years ago while eating cheese puffs .....and still holds true, I swear !
372 · Nov 2017
Desolate
AprilDawn Nov 2017
light green
empty branch arms  
turned away
  from the brown brick house
held in line
by the  gray
  edge stones
sinking  deeper into
Winter's drab slumber
biding time
until the dream of Spring's
budding promise
becomes a  solid future  
with a  stunningly
luscious wave
of hot pink
Hibiscus  flowers  
as a backdrop
to  the brown brick house
kept in check
by  gray edge stones
until  the petals drop
into the sneaky
Autumn sun  
and  desolation
sets up shop
in lonely green arms
again
The hibiscus  in   my Eddie's Mom's   front garden  looks so dramatic at times  during the year...I felt it needed it's own poem.
366 · Jul 2017
Press
AprilDawn Jul 2017
ever so
gently
don’t want to bruise
sweet giving
flesh
suggestive satisfaction
hangs between
my patience
and fingertips
that tactful test
on well ripened
curves
Peach time ! Blink  and you'll miss the window between hard as a rock and  ripe for devouring !
358 · Apr 2014
Flagponds
AprilDawn Apr 2014
I can still see
through the cracks
of the weathered pier
  those
foamy waves
rolling
  just beneath
sand heavy shoes
jacket pockets
bulged
with shells
bound for some
empty jar
on a full desk
the winter wind
  hung on
pine-filled forests
   behind our backs
and  bitterly blew
us further
up the beach
Our family's  winter time beach walks  in the last area  we lived together in Maryland.
355 · Feb 2017
Quandary
AprilDawn Feb 2017
Not winter
Not spring
just a crazy weather thing
Daffodils  already playing
show and tell
early pollen
makes my eyes swell
riddles still a plenty
will next month
bring
some sneaky snow
in its wake
seems only the heavens
know
for goodness sake
Weird weather  winter  this  year
352 · May 2014
Rest in Peace
AprilDawn May 2014
Dare I inhale
Too deeply
Lest it’s
Thrown away
No explanation
Needed
My essence
Diluted by
Fury’s swift
Releasing
Freedom
To haunt hearts
Imprisoned
By
Sorrow's
Jagged
Edges
Written 2004 or 05 ,one of the early poems for my Tom.Gone too  young .
347 · Jun 2014
Scribbles
AprilDawn Jun 2014
on  old note pads
filled with
solemnly recited
ancient facts,
every official phone call
leading nowhere
the   penetrating
conclusion remains
the same
death came
calling for him
that afternoon,
he answered
     yet
so far
no one else
        has
My husband's  ****** case  changed  governmental agency hands again , and every call  leads to  the same  unsolved  place.
341 · Dec 2014
Minutes
AprilDawn Dec 2014
click by
the end of this year
is even closer at hand
not yet down for the count
I hold onto these
last specks of time
because they  belong
to my life
with you
the start of the new year
takes
you  farther away
than ever
To those we lose every year we are still here , human or  companion .
330 · Apr 2014
Nights
AprilDawn Apr 2014
You’ve slipped out
of my unconscious
mind
with an ease
I never expected
You’re somewhere  
  in the shadows
pinning my hopes up with  
invisible tape
that a normal life is still
within reach.
Over the past few years   my late husband  has barely made a cameo appearance in my dreams. I always felt guilty that  he stopped being spotlighted  so frequently  and yet at the same time  I needed to leave dreaming space for  my  future.
330 · Jun 2014
Widow
AprilDawn Jun 2014
forced to find  the Me
without Him
lover, mother, wife
those golden years
forging  a life together
seem so long ago
while there was  strife and  toil
at the end of a long day
Love always  persevered
his absence
left  a darker world
wrapped  in brutal truths -
  his love
changed me
his life
changed me,
and  his death         
     changed
        me.
No matter  what else  happens in my life , I will always  still carry this  title  inside.I loved and lost  .I was lucky to have been able to spend so many years  with him.
322 · Nov 2017
Vintage Crush
AprilDawn Nov 2017
blossomed
during  those
last high school days
a  sweet memory
pressed  into  my psyche
his  big smile
framed with  dimples
and sparkling blue eyes
although coupled
with unrequited  love
where it dwelled
for decades
  in a musty  yearbook
until a chance meeting
online
brought sparks to life
then this
vintage crush
infused our  two
aging  hearts
   with
  newborn love
I bought this  bottle of  white wine  a few months back , and the label said " Vintage Crush", in my mind  I  immediately related it to my  fiancé  and my 's relationship.  We knew each other back in the day, and he thought we were just friendly ,  but I had always wanted more.We caught up with each other  26 years later , and  we have been a couple  for the past nearly 10 years now.
319 · Apr 2014
Ordinary Day
AprilDawn Apr 2014
just another rerun
of minutes
people  and places
that still live
inside  
or in front of your face
all jumbled up  vying for  primetime
in your mind's eye
channels  change up
every now and again
to  trailer  new events
breaks the  humdrum reruns
reminds  that  not all days are
same time  , same station.
A stream of consciousness poem for today-April 9,2014.Reminding myself  that  although  some days seem ordinary, they can become   something else  altogether .
318 · Apr 2014
Questions
AprilDawn Apr 2014
if you
could
turn back
the chapters
would our stories
still collide
the same decisions
printed
across  
sharp edged pages
Fueled by guilt in the months after  my husband's  unexpected death  , I kept  torturing myself with  what if  scenarios .
written  2005
312 · May 2014
Rays
AprilDawn May 2014
beaming all over
some other girl
what’s she got
that I don’t
you sneaky cheat
no matter how hard
you try to keep those golden fingers
just above those  lazy low flung
gray clouds
you can’t keep  hiding
from me
c’mon back
pretty please
don’t make me beg  
for just  a few spare  
minutes  of your  time
in  space.
That fickle  sun.Some days  cheating on me by  spilling  some  beams on someone else !
310 · Apr 2014
Invisable
AprilDawn Apr 2014
love
nourishes
only memories  
leaves my starved
heart  
suspended
between his death
  and the
  living
I have left to do
Dec 2005 .Living through memories  is not  an easy way of life.
308 · Apr 2014
Got A Date
AprilDawn Apr 2014
Come
and get it
big boy
so ready for pick up
give it the old heave **
it ain't no good
to me
just smellin up
my scenery.
Trash day.Nuff said !
301 · Jun 2017
Regret
AprilDawn Jun 2017
the ice coffee
I snuck in
late  this afternoon
red wine
I drank
with a robust
spaghetti sauce
not until
it was time to sleep
my eyes regretted
not being able to close
mind riddled and running wild
with unlaid plans
fanciful schemes
memories mostly hidden
from daylight
revelations leap
out from the dark
shadows
with every toss and turn
grudges
lain bare
with my uncovered legs
my only hope of absolution
remains in the desperate hope
to exhaustedly
dissolve  into dreamscapes
where regrets are simply keys
to opening
doorways
to subconscious delusions
that  make
some sort of sense
there
because
you tell them to
I keep forgetting  I can't do  coffee  after 5:30 pm or  red wine past 9 pm...
301 · Apr 2014
Three Perfect Roses
AprilDawn Apr 2014
Three Perfect Roses

On one stem

grace a
discarded
blue champagne bottle

Are you pink?
Or are you purple?

I guess I
really don’t care
to

classify

the exact color
of your beauty

you make me
think
just  long  enough

as your delicate fragrance

  climbs

into my senses .
My time in Houston, year round roses  plus a beautiful garden and thus  observational poetry  ensued.
AprilDawn Dec 2016
quilt traps
my leaden legs
every morning
cell phone alarm signals
time for release
breathe, just breathe
roll
to my diversion
look over at him
and smile
drink down
my new tea mug
half empty or is it
half full
difference lies in the next  
bitter pain med
sliding down my throat
sweet deliverance
for a few hours a pop
please tell me
price paid in full
for still being around
Stream of Consciousness Ramblings
Created: 2009-01-09 11:25:00 AM
In November of  2008  I was in a bad car accident with my daughter that left me  with multiple hip fractures  and  dealing with pain, medication and rehabilitation for a few months after. Even after I  was released to go home in late December 2008, I was dependent upon help from my  fiancé . I slept  in a  hospital bed, had an appliance that went into my body  called a pelvic fixator  and open wounds that needed tending and a ***** . Wheelchair  bound for a more weeks  with nurse visits and forced to stay inside  with  a steady diet of Percocets that  kept my pain levels down . I was  nearly fully healed  a few more  months later .This was the one poem I wrote on a blog   under  medication  on MySpace  .They  had  taken off the blogs  about 5 years ago  and MySpace was  finally  able to  send me my old blogs just recently .I had not made a back up of the poem, so it was lost to me for  several years .I remember writing this  with a foggy brain .
282 · Apr 2014
Hole in the Sky
AprilDawn Apr 2014
is that where
you went
I ask aloud
because I’ve lost
track of you somehow
one evening
smack dab in the center
of a  ring of clouds
was a gaping blue  hole
it’s as likely
as any  place
for you to be.
Where did my late husband go after  he died ? Written 2006
279 · Jul 2014
Just Around
AprilDawn Jul 2014
that  bend
is a different  life  
****** in my path
placed  under my shoes
no explanations given  
just
Deal with This  
  move forward  
because the road
behind you
is permanently closed
Sometimes  there seems like there are  no choices   tossed  your  way, and  yet  around every corner all  kinds  of   possibilities  never envisioned are multiplying .
278 · Apr 2014
Sharp edges
AprilDawn Apr 2014
of melancholy
ride  roughshod
over  hastily mended   bridges
The early grief stages .
263 · Apr 2014
In absentia
AprilDawn Apr 2014
I don't miss you
so much anymore
still
things aren’t really right
sometimes I think
they never will be
these new parameters
scam me  
into a feeling of success
I can make this work
not there yet
just slightly cracked
and the fix -it glue
is stuck to my finger
instead of my wound
Written Oct  2006.Grief is  less intense, realizing  that  this life is  now  the status quo.
AprilDawn Apr 2014
I comfort myself
with the knowledge
that you
always felt
the intensity
of my love
   but
as evening calls
uncertainty
rushes   in
   to
steal the moonlight .
Ragged, jagged  early grief.Newer grief.The hardest  first years.
245 · Jun 2014
This year
AprilDawn Jun 2014
it’s on a Monday
the momentum
keeps building
that  minute  
your   time
with us
ran out
circled in my mind
as calendar pages
wear off
I’ll be
just fine
keep repeating
that
until some day
  it’s
true.
I try to remember his life  and not  just his death, but honestly  that day   is marked  indelibly   in my heart   as  the last  hours  of his life  with us  faded into the long goodbye .
242 · May 2014
It Waits For Me
AprilDawn May 2014
behind  every  rock
around every  corner  
any breath
that  lustrous blue   sky
the last color I see
this crumb of cheese
parked on my tongue
could be the last
the last flavor
I taste
It waits for me  
Knowing
I have no where to hide
More mortality musings...after my husband died so suddenly  I  wondered  did he know   that  his end was near ? He didn't convey that  to me  in his last days.Still.
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