after the sunset stilled,
throughout the house,
with a day of regret
and multiple factors
that changed my mood
dinner was done
laundry was spun
and today
I wanted to choose
good.

as my love far away
punched in the clock
I sat trapped here
in a house
where lunacy grew
like moss on trees.

the clock struck five
father dearest walks in
distress on his face
takes a deep breath
and
views my dinner with
bittersweet disgrace.

next, he turns right
bending down with his might
to see the dishes
are not arranged to his delight
I looked away in sarcasm
to hear the phrase
"half-assing"
and nearly stood up and parted
ways.

I chose strength instead,
nearly laughed when he said
"I know you, my child
I can see your ways
the way you say "yes"
is to run and second-guess
doing things in a rush
because you couldn't care
less."

it's cute, my dear dad
how you think you know me.
never in this house
have I felt so lonely,
so dismissed so ignored
so trapped and so bored
for you to pass
through
your lips
complete
and utter *******
as if you ever took a step back
free of critiques
or attacks
and try on the shoe
of what I do...
to see if it fits.

When these nights smother me
My past comes back in rivulets
Down my back, neck, through my hair like snakes and twine

I should be happy, no? Content, satisfied, full.
Never.

I've always questioned why my eyes get heavy when I plead them to look alive
And I've always wondered why my shoulders bear the weight of the past Millenium when I ask them to keep the present good company

I have an inherent gloom
And I suppose it's about time I come to make its acquaintance.

Where others were,
I was not present.
While others spake,
I was silent.

As others were,
I was not.
And what others saw,
I could not bring myself to see.

At what age others were,
I remained a child.
And the things they so heard,
I had covered my ears.

While others loved,
And had shared love
With one another,
I loved alone.

Not shy
Just know
When words are required
And when action is necessary

Sometimes you just have to sit there silently
Outside or near the tallest windows true
Just to let the light shine inward again
Just to find yourself feeling  
Once there alive in being
Through and through