But I don’t know how many times I have to whisper to the silence at night just to reassure myself that what has been done is just that - done. I can never bring back what I threw away and I can never take back a “no” that I once shouted proudly in your face.
I came upon this video of Phil Kaye’s spoken poem called “Repetitions.” He was right - if you repeat the same thing, over and over again, it eventually loses its meaning.
I’ve told you “no” a million times that it probably became a part of my vocabulary. I’ve gone used to reading your messages without even bothering to type a reply, that it became the first thing that I do every morning. I’ve always been expecting your “hello’s” at 6 PM, that I stay awake in the car even after an exhausting day at school. My phone lights up just to show your name, and I’ve gotten so used to ignoring it, that there came a day when I picked it up instinctively just to check if you said something.
Did you?
Did you say something?
No.
You always told me that you were willing to wait whenever I’m ready. I thought it was stupid, because you were so patient for something that I could never give you.
But I guess stupid works both ways.
By the time I realized what I was starting to feel, you shut the door that you only opened for me. Blaming you became a selfish option. I suddenly understood the pain and regret that came with what I had done. You will probably never know my motives and the real reason behind everything, but for what it’s worth, I wanted to give you the words that I always heard from you whenever I said all the things that I wanted to change about you, and whenever I made you feel like you weren’t good enough.
I’m sorry.