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olivia Jun 2023
when the fire blows up, and the smoke engulfs the home we once knew
is it a sign for me to start running?
i bit too ******* the bullets as i waited
six months flew by, now i'm stuck staring at this view

frozen, anxious, twice as vengeful when you left me
"is it time to call mom now?" I asked you
but you smiled a maniacal smile as the flames spread from where you left the matches burning
i wish i knew better than to trust you to guard it

smoke and ash are all that's left of the home we took 20 years to build
i tell you "there's no closure when our doors are flimsy clothes from your soiled dresser"
clothes that were worn by people you said were just friends
and still, you never showed any guilt

i shake my head and play off these misfortunes as if they're a dream
as i fail and blame you for starting it
as i curse you for burning a fragile house to the ground
as if it wasn't the same house you lived in

the firefighters come and you tell the same sob story
i'll side with the truth and resentment, they'll keep me company as you bury me
remember this as the day when you burned out the good years
and the betrayal of your only family.
olivia Nov 2021
I've gotten a lot of parking tickets,
To know that all they take from you is money.
I've shut off a million alarms,
To go through the same loop every day.

And it's only been a month, I know
Since you dropped my hand and went off alone
But if the words never left my lips then,
Would you have stayed and listened?

I would've squeezed your hands tightly
And saw the mark my fingers left the next day
We wouldn't be noticing how the headlights shined brightly
And how your hair became red as it came.
-
-
-
You would have found it funny,
If I told you that I memorized every lot we went to,
I was never one for remembering things.
But it's embedded in my brain,
How ironic it is that our last and worst memory
Happened in the same place where I betrayed you.

And maybe a part of you already knows,
All the silent apologies I've got stuck in my throat.
Maybe one day I'll whisper it down the road,
But right now the pain is just too strong to let go.
olivia Jan 2016
I don't know why I let this go on for a month
even if I knew how much it would hurt me
to see the same month ending
with you in the arms of another.
olivia Nov 2015
this time I'm not going to write a poem
about a person whom I thought I'd forgotten
about the person who once left me alone
yet I still love, in all of the poems I've written.
I tried so hard to let someone else
bring back the parts that you robbed from me
he pretended we were lovers that would never end
but he was never how I wanted him to be.
and what did I want, really?
all I ever wanted was for you to be replaced.
now I know better
than to pretend that you'll love me when you're sober
because your nights are spent dreaming of another
and your midnight is not for me any longer.

but I guess friendship is more important.
so here's another poem,
and it will be the last one I'll write about you.
olivia Oct 2015
But I don’t know how many times I have to whisper to the silence at night just to reassure myself that what has been done is just that - done. I can never bring back what I threw away and I can never take back a “no” that I once shouted proudly in your face.

I came upon this video of Phil Kaye’s spoken poem called “Repetitions.” He was right - if you repeat the same thing, over and over again, it eventually loses its meaning.

I’ve told you “no” a million times that it probably became a part of my vocabulary. I’ve gone used to reading your messages without even bothering to type a reply, that it became the first thing that I do every morning. I’ve always been expecting your “hello’s” at 6 PM, that I stay awake in the car even after an exhausting day at school. My phone lights up just to show your name, and I’ve gotten so used to ignoring it, that there came a day when I picked it up instinctively just to check if you said something.

Did you?

Did you say something?

No.

You always told me that you were willing to wait whenever I’m ready. I thought it was stupid, because you were so patient for something that I could never give you.

But I guess stupid works both ways.

By the time I realized what I was starting to feel, you shut the door that you only opened for me. Blaming you became a selfish option. I suddenly understood the pain and regret that came with what I had done. You will probably never know my motives and the real reason behind everything, but for what it’s worth, I wanted to give you the words that I always heard from you whenever I said all the things that I wanted to change about you, and whenever I made you feel like you weren’t good enough.

I’m sorry.
  Oct 2015 olivia
Natalie
do not date a girl
who writes.
she will internalize
everything,
carve poems
into your eyelashes
instead of
kissing them,

she will analyze you,
calculate age
from the rings
your coffee cup
leaves
instead of refilling it.

she will memorize
the way your
lips curl around steam,
but not that you
take it
two sugars,
no cream.

she will read your
palm instead of
holding it
against her chest.

she will not
blink
when you leave,
because she is
already
romanticizing it.
  Oct 2015 olivia
Natalie
do not date a girl
who writes.
she will internalize
everything,
carve poems
into your eyelashes
instead of
kissing them,

she will analyze you,
calculate age
from the rings
your coffee cup
leaves
instead of refilling it.

she will memorize
the way your
lips curl around steam,
but not that you
take it
two sugars,
no cream.

she will read your
palm instead of
holding it
against her chest.

she will not
blink
when you leave,
because she is
already
romanticizing it.
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