He liked me first, but that doesn't matter.
He loved me after that, but that doesn't matter either.
His feelings don't matter -
I told him that.
And ever since August, I told him it was better
if we both, reluctantly, stopped talking to each other.

But how do you scare your only hope away?
How do you tell the person who tells you that you're beautiful that it's not right for him to stay?

So I told him this, and I told him a lot more.
I made sure he heard me as I locked the door.

But he pursued me, quite relentlessly
And did all the things boys in love do.
He hugged me, complimented me,
assured I was capable of loving people too.

And I told him that he doesn't get it.

So now I'm sitting in this suffocating room,
I'm looking at the boy whose heart I mercilessly broke.
I think about how the words between us vanished into silence.
And I wonder if it's worth repeating -
That his feelings don't matter,
because if I can't love myself
I can never love him either.

There are many reasons to explain why I like you
And every day I find myself adding another one.
One to remind me that I wrote so much to forget you
One to tell me why this thing could never happen
One to show me how she’ll always be prettier than I am
And one to say how before we even started, it’s already good as done.

Well, you looked at me today.
But it was how you looked at every single person
And it was different from how you looked at her.
I start conversations that I know I’ll have to end myself
And I keep waiting for your long answers that I know you reserved for her.

It hurts me deeply
Because when they asked you to choose between the both of us
You never hesitated once to say it wasn’t me.

But tonight marks the night I ask you the question
“Will you take her to prom?”
You told me you didn’t know.
So I nervously gave her name, and you said it was the perfect suggestion.
And I realized that no matter how I try to make my hair wavy
How I try to speak calmly
How I try to smile beautifully
How I try to be like her
There will always be reasons why I can’t.

Like the many reasons to explain why I like you
But I’ll start erasing them every day.

i wonder if the doors in the house you grew up in
started slamming themselves to save your father the trouble.
i wonder if you can remember the last time you prayed,
and if you had trouble unfolding your hands.
i wonder if your mother knows
about the collection of hearts you hide in your closet,
i wonder if she could tell mine apart from the rest.
i wonder if your shoes know the reason why
you keep them by the back door and not your bedside.
and sometimes, i wonder
if you ever think about that night when i told you,
you wouldn't need to drink so much if you had me.
but it seems like we only speak when you've got body on your brain,
whiskey in your glass,
your judgement is overcast,
and you know i'm too weak to ignore you.
i learned how to translate your texts
from drunken mess back into english.
i am fluent in apology, but i don't ask you for them anymore.
this is just how it is.
it's not enough for either of us
but ******* it we are not above settling.
so i will ignore her name on your breath,
and you will ignore the fact that this means something to me.
i always thought the first time i kissed you,
it would be on your mouth.
i just wanted to be something warm for you to sink into,
something that could convince you to stay a second night.
but i sneak you out in the early morning,
and you take a piece of my pride with you when you go.
i am left to nurse the hangover from a wine i've never tasted,
wondering how this is possible.
waiting for the next drunk call,
for the next time i get to pretend we are lovers,
the next time i get to live out the fantasy i am most ashamed of.
it is the one in my head where you want me when you're sober too.

- m.f.

Tuck in your white shirt
Sit near the field
It's getting too late now
Our eyes are just about to meet.

Wipe off that red stain
It's splattered all over your jeans
Each step you take gets louder
When you're walking towards me.

Tell me 'hello' once in a while
It's too early to say goodbye
Remind me before I forget
How I remembered you in my life.

Run fast before this fades
Because I'm telling you, it's too dull
Whenever you smile down at my face
I don't feel anything at all.