I wake up.

My phone is downstairs. It is down there at night because I sleep better when it is not in arm's reach.

I slept 6 hours. I feel great.

I hear my daughter leaving the house for school. That is the sound that springs me out of bed. I put my robe on. It is silk and feels good. I ran downstairs and out the door. I caught her. I told her to have a good day and that I love her.  I gave her the check she needed for school fees.

Whew. I did not **** that up.

I look at the phone....for too long.

I cleaned last night's dinner dishes and talked with my other daughter as she prepared her own lunch. I talked fast. I talked loud. I danced. I felt good for a moment. It is easy to feel good and grounded in children's presence.

I drove her and her friend to dance. I talked and I talked. Were they listening? I don't know.

I said I love you. I always do that.

Is it enough?

I come home and sit in the car...... paralyzed.

I want to ride my bike.

I want to clean out the car.

I want to take a walk with my dog and come home and clean all the dog hair I see.

But I don't. Not yet. Not sure how long it will take.

I might get one of those things done today. It will be a victory and I will beat myself up for it taking as long as it does to do that one thing.

Right now.

I am in the car.

I sit. I feel the tightening of my chest.

I breath.

I tighten.

I breath.

I tighten.

What do I do? How do I start?

Starting is the hardest part.

The phone is such a nice distraction....an hour has gone by maybe more. I don't know.

This is anxiety.

I wake up.

63 years.
you had a good run.
I'm here to tell you,
your job is not done.
you'll live on in our hearts.
like the great ones tend to do.
your body is free.
but we still have you.

so today.
every smile.
every laugh.
every tear that I shed.
is dedicated to you.
and the life that you led.

although I am sad.
a grin soon creeps in.
as I think of the millions
of hearts you are in.

I feel like
I'm on top of the world
Until i realize
the world is on top of me

Lovin' you is easy 'cause you're easy*
Mirrored instruction on both sides
of a countless-sided sword
toil the earth,
so all that grows
believes,
as if it's truth,
because lovin' you is easy 'cause you're easy.

Lets not lie then;
you’re out there somewhere having a
fine & dandy time, a fish in shallow waters,
meanwhile I’m a shoe-in
for the biggest *******
this side of town and god and country.
And where the **** are you?
What the **** is your excuse?

I’m homeless without you and
I’m a degenerate when I’m with you,
and I’m ****** enough in this
sleepless state to see it’s not fair.
I can’t ******* swim out here…
You can fuss about me not being
next to you some nights, but
I don’t give a **** about
the *** we’re not having,
the touch you’re demanding,
so just shut down the charade.


And you don’t want to know
what’s * *wrong ** with me.


"I don’t give a ****.", yeah,
tattoo it on my lips and kiss them
till they bleed. Don’t care.
Maaaaaybe I’m too tired to think clearly,
but ******* right now I see so much
and it’s so petty and privileged and ******
and when you think you see the lines,
you can’t even see the light of day.
I’d know because it’s here right now.
I’d know because I lost the words to say,
but the lyric would be so ******* gritty.

Lalalala, lalalala, lalalala;

The weight is so **** heavy.

Lalalala, lalalala, lalala;

The escape is too passe.

Lalalalalalalala, and where
the **** are you?

Everyone else is drunk and I’m
a hallucinogenic and a landmine.

Falling cicada.
Somebody has already fallen in advance.

Snails copulate.
One's flesh eats into the other's.