Father dearest…
Always knowing when to say what…
The most wonderful input.
Sister dearest….
Always means well.
Often time her wellness unrecognized.
Prior Rexi label…
My dearest…
Always telling me I’m never enough.
Always pointing out the worst.
Unhealthy decisions.
Pro Ana.
Pro 0 calories.
Pro 0 pounds.
Rexi dearest….
You ruin everything.
You take who I am and leave me a skeleton.
The frame of whom I once knew.
Father dearest…
Since when do you have an eating issue?
Maybe he was too busy flirting with my therapist to ever notice.
Maybe all the years in residential was not enough proof for you.
Father dearest… you only make it worse.

Be brave little Elliott,
For it was not you who I should have be saying that to,
But myself I should have...
Little did I know the last year would be filled with broken dams releasing floods and pain.
A suicide and a partner who no longer just sees the love he has for you.
A virus and a life that feels forever ago.
Be brave little Elliott.
A dad who wanted to take your baby.
The shell of a person left behind.
Be brave.
A boyfriend who no longer just sees love in you.
Distant and angry
Then passionately caring.
But you know your not the only one he has those eyes for.
No matter how hard you try nothing can stop the nightmares.
Be brave because this world can make you feel incompetent and beaten.
Be brave little me.
Be brave me.

He is
And isn’t.
He will be.
And can’t be.
He is the fire in my heart.
And the ocean in my eyes.
The laughter in my pain.
And the pain in my laughter.
He is,
And isn’t.
He is there.
But never constant.
He is.
And isn’t.
He can.
And can’t be.
I’m his,
Yet he isn’t mine.
I love him...
and he is.
And he isn’t.
Love me daddy,
I don’t crave the pain anymore.
I crave his love.
No longer to satisfy.
To be loved will cure my cries.
He is the ocean in my eyes.
The tears behind my dark lies.
Simply just a friend.
A casual *** partner.
Love me,
Why don’t you.
And I’m not good.
No good for you.
I’ll let you do whatever you want to.
Punish me daddy.
Make me bleed.
Make me feel.
Anything,
Other than this cold numb,
Love me.
Make me feel.
Love again.

What they didn't tell you about me,
They didn't tell you I have a problem called bpd...

What you don't see about me,
I am trapped, yet oh so free.
I am black and white,
Both at the same time.
Day and night,

Yet for some reason night is way scarier. No rationality behind it but it still is... oh it would appear I'm ranting...

What they didnt tell you about me,
One day I'm a writer,
The next I'm a fighter.
Fighting my nightmares.
Taking on friends double dares.

They have to be my friend.
Just my friend.
That would make me okay then?
Possession...
No that is not friend.
Confusion...
How does this thing work?

What they didnt tell you about me,
Is in no way can you ever expect what's next day to day.
You can never know what to expect,
But if we sway..
To far from what's next from day to day,
I will begin to hate,
I will probably make you late,
With my super sudden mood change.

I am zero to sixty in .01 seconds.
You love me or hate me,
I cant see the difference.
If you bleed out everything I will still be the same.
I hate being stuck in this stupid game.

When I want help my brain tells me I don't.
When I think I'm fine, my mind screams no you won't,
Won't be fine...
Won't be finw...  
Won't, be...
Won't....
Does he love me?
Is he with someone else?
What are we going to eat for breakfast on the first of next month,
What you don't know,
What you don't love me.

My mind is discombobulated all due to a condition called bpd.

It's a new year,
But the same old ******* scars.
It's a new year.
But the passing cars.
All blurs to me
Hey breath.
A new year with the same old ******* scars.
A new year
Still feeling really ******* far.
Far away.
From him
From her
From me.
Maybe it's a new year.
But still enough time to notice nobody ******* wants me  
No pain here.
Fight your tears.
No pain here
On this new year
With the same old ******* scars.
No pain.
Cover it with makeup.
But makeup cant hide
The bad luck
Sad ****.
Tear
Mascara running eyes.
Nobody cries.
Nobody cries here.
Slit your wrists move on with it.
A new year with the same old ******* scars.
A new year with the fake *** plastic cars.
In a fake world
Paper towns.
Alone
Nobody around.
It's your fault for being
Say
You,
My fault for breathing.
A new year.
The same old **** scares.
Isn't it bazaar.
You **** towards recovery
When all you ficking need is somebody
A family
Any thing.
Something.
Leave your legacy.
Bury it 6 feet under ground.
The only day they notice your not around.
When your dead.
Why dont they get it through there head.
Miss me when I'm gone.
But hey nobody cares till your gone.
Why did it get this far.
How did this go on?
Gotta be dead for them to see what's actually wrong.
A new year the same old ******* scars.

Sooner or later it gets to you,
All the I love you,
All the I miss you,
All the I need you,

Sooner or later it gets to you,
Sleeping in late,
conversations delayed,
Don't go out,
Don't...

Sooner or later,
It gets to you,
Depression catches up.