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i think back, i think back
but i never think forward.

© Matthew Harlovic
Amber Curtis May 2017
Isn't it funny
How people notice the smallest things
Such as
The bruise on your face,
The bags under your eyes,
The spine showing through the back of your shirt,
The change in your behavior,
Isn't it funny
How people fail to notice some things
Such as
The sadness in your face when you're asked about your bruise, telling everyone that it's nothing, that it's okay, when you wish that you could scream from every inch of your body from the inside out that it is not okay to be abused,
Such as
The reason behind the bags under your eyes, the crying, the emptiness, the up all night, the smoking to keep your mind calm when it wants to climb out of your yellowing skin and go live somewhere else,
Such as
Going to the bathroom after every meal to look at yourself in the mirror and try not to think of the calories you just consumed, to try to throw everything back up and hope that nobody walks in or hears you from outside the door,
Such as
The things that they did to you before your behavior changed, how they moved on without you, while seeming so unfazed, and your world comes crashing down on you and no one seems to notice you, so
Tell me
Isn't it funny
How people notice the things that don't matter,
And avoid the things that do.
Amber Curtis May 2017
Like a piece of paper with no marks,
Nothing interesting too look at,
Flawless is impossible
Unless it is fake
Flawless is never seen by the naked eye
You wonder why everyone has to try so hard
But I am not going to sit here and wait for someone to try and tell me to be that blank piece of paper,
To be boring,
To be something impossible because I am not
I am a beautiful watercolor painting,
Mostly blue,
I am the sea and the sky,
Painted with imperfections, I am
I am the wind made by careless markings,
The images in the clouds above the horizon,
I am the horizon, an imperfect spot where the sea and sky meet, I am the stars in the night
And I am the stars not seen,
I am a beautiful watercolor painting,
And sad is the person who refuses to see it.
Amber Curtis May 2017
One
I smile
Two
You smile back
Three
"Have you ever been in love?" "Does that even exist?" "Do you want to get high?" "I thought you'd never ask."
Four
Looking into bloodshot eyes, your palms resting on my hips, you pull me close
So close that there's no room to think about him, no room to think about anything,
Not even the emptiness I have deep in my chest, hollowing me out like a cave
Five
You kiss my face and explore my body with your freckled hands
Six
My heart beats fast, pounding out of my chest, do I want this?
Seven
Yes I want this who am I kidding, this want is too strong it almost scares me, I cling to the thought of you like I have never wanted anything else
Eight
You tell me I have a beautiful body, the most beautiful body you've seen, and I don't believe you but I say I do
You can tell I'm lying
Nine
You're all I want,
But only until the high fades and I realize you're not him and then you tell me you love me and say you thought I loved you back
I don't
Ten
You're not him
You're not him
You will never be him
Amber Curtis May 2017
Get high with me
You say
And I do
And we sit in the moonlight under millions of stars and talk about living and how we haven't been doing too well at that lately,
And we get so high that everything disappears,
Everything except the blink-182 on the radio and the beats in our chests,
Slow, slow almost crashing through our skin
You touch my hand, and I feel our heartbeats synchronize, the slow beats start to race each other,
Soon we fall asleep in the light of a million stars,
I wake to the feeling of your lips on my neck and I don't know how to tell you that I want more, so much more,
You smile that smile, and give me that
"Get high with me" look
And I do
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