I have never believed in the idea of love-
it once tip-toed it's way into my heart
only to be thrown from my nervous system like acid reflux
the kind that pepto bismol won't cure.
Someone once tap-danced on my heart strings,
played that **** like a violin
so passionate about the way each and every movement
across the strings made me want to scream-
because they were playing the wrong things.
I knew who I was once-
maybe I was like 4 or 5 but I sure as **** was alive,
the days when trees had their own area codes
and the backyard was Narnia.
At some point between the "heartbreaks"
I lost it.
Then in you walked-
heart upon your sleeve like the latest fashion
and you kissed me.
I felt like I was a kid again-
the butterflies in my stomach began demanding refuge
it was a different kind of feeling..
I've always sort of had anxiety,
the crippling kind that makes you wanna throw up
but this, **** this was different.
I had never experienced good anxiety?
The kind you get after winning a big game,
or being in love..
I finally found it-
the love I never knew existed
but I still questioned it's authenticity
even as it painted pictures across my lips
and the butterflies whispering affirmation into my ears.
It's been a year-
and I'm trying to imagine the next one without you
because it seems to me that's what you want
But I can't seem to muster up the courage to be without you..
everything in this life has left me.
I hear the violin faintly playing in the background
and the tap dancers are coming closer now
the acid reflux has turned into regurgitation
and my heart doesn't know what to feel.
I've never had love for anyone
like the love I have for you-
I don't think it will ever go away.
I'm stepping on the edge, and it's begging me to jump
and usually the ground isn't too far
but without you, it's yards and yards away
and I don't think I can fly anymore..

My heart hurts
and I would like to say it's in the good
cheesy-romantic novel slash chick flick kinda way-
but that's not the case.
This keyboard and these sweatshirt sleeves have seen better days
and my eyes are red with the words you left with me...
I have been crying for about
eh, I'd say two hours now and it hasn't gotten any easier.
I try to distract myself with Netflix and music
but all I hear in the background is your voice telling me you love me.
****, I love you too.
And if it's any consolation, it will always be true.
Even if you decide these nights alone are better than the ones with me
I will still be there, hoping you will come back to me.
And is that pathetic? I'm not sure
I would like to call it dedication.
They say true love is defined by what you would do for someone
and I would climb the highest mountain in flip flops and a bikini
just to see you smile for a moment.
Is that crazy? I don't know.
I would like to call it diligence.
These hands are nothing without yours intertwined
and this frame is made to fit you perfectly
but if you decide you do not want to be with me-
then I will be on my way
because all I want is for you to be happy
and I'm sorry for being the anchor that drags you down
I'm sorry for being the roadblock that makes you astray from your path
but i'm not sure will you find common ground here-
and I'm not sure you will find any detours.
You won't find anyone else like me,
that can love you so ******* passionately.
I have been given minimal love so I harness it.
I know what I got and I wanted to do the opposite.
So I have given you all of the love my heart can muster.

Two days ago you said-
that I was the one you wanted to spend your life with
now something has changed and you've flipped...
You made me believe in the idea of forever
and then ripped it to pieces in front of me
but I do not fault you for your heavy heart
and I still love you even on your worst days,
I still love you on the days your insecure and unsure
and all I keep on wondering is.... do you feel the same?

We have been hanging off the edge of this cliff
and love isn't strong enough to keep us holding on,
the more my hands yearn for your embrace
the closer we get to the ground.
I see safety in your eyes
and an universe in your smile-
I wish you could see all the things that I do.
The edge is getting sharp again-
I'm the only one holding on.
You crawled your way up and looked down at me,
contemplated if you wanted to be the one that saves us.
But my voice keeps incessantly shouting "pls save me"
all the while you try but I keep telling you more effective ways
so you shout back "save yourself" and walked away.  
You are tired of being the muse I spill my paint upon
the therapist in the chair I spill my heart out to.
I have made many mistakes
and this anxiety keeps me on the edge waiting-
waiting for someone to save me because I am too weak.
Some days I can almost pull myself up,
my feet feel friction upon the rocks and continue on-
but as soon as I get high enough to feel the wind upon my cheeks
the same wind knocks me down again-
telling me ways I should try again
convincing me, it's my only friend.

My limbs have grown tired from hanging on-
yours have grown tired too.
You ache from carrying my weight upon your shoulders
time after time again.
I try to help by pushing myself up
honing in all my strength one last time
but I stumble and my foot falls from under me-
I subsequently drag you down with me
and all I wanted to hear from you is
"there's no place else I'd rather be"
but how would that be any consolation
if we're both falling, broken and vacant?
I finally let go and fell to my fate-
I see you looking down at me
I guess love can't fix everything.

The ache of loneliness is like chloroform on my lips
and I have been beginning to doze off again-
my eyes have grown heavy from these tears that fall
like mustard gas in a world war
I am breathing in this depression once again
and as much as I try to get the oxygen I need
the enemy is weighing down on me.
I reach out my hand for someone else's
but no one is around-
I look and look and look again,
but in the end I am alone
choking on the circumstance I have made for myself,
choking on these words I want to say to you
choking-
the thoughts are pressing against my chest now
trying to remind me that my heart is still beating
trying to taunt me because my heart is still beating
trying to remind me my lungs are still capable of breathing-
but I choke, and I take my vices and cling to them
because they are my only friends,
my safe haven when busy lives
interfere with depressed minds-
I don't want to ******* feel like this.
Every single thing I feel, or do, or say is a mistake
and I wish I could make these hands worth holding
and these words worth reading
and these tears worth suffering for-
but I can't.

The loneliness overwhelms me
and the dark has grown more under my eyes
making a point to let people know "I'm just tired"-
my hair is always a mess these days
because these brushes can't handle the tangled mess
I have made for myself-
and I guess I don't need to be saved anymore
because how can you save someone
that's already too far gone?
I'm too far gone.

The small of my back aches for acknowledgement
but you're too busy analyzing your mistakes.
My finger lays on the buttons I like to push
and they only push you further away from me-
but I can't stop feeling like it's on purpose.
These hands are made of copper and when mixed with fire
they burn bright, emitting hypnotizing colors-
blue, for the way I feel when I'm with you now.
green, with the greed I feel for not wanting to be alone
orange, for the jealousy of you no longer wanting me
red, for the thoughts of you no longer in my life..
They all interchange and take turns but somehow
this color chart of my emotions is on a spin cycle
and these sheets I have been wrapped up in
got mixed together with another load
and came out damaged and no longer like they were.
So I'm coming clean-
because my heart hurts, and I feel like I'm no longer yours
the distance between us when we speak
says more to me than poetry ever did.
So now all I see is red-

It's 2:35 am and the notebook is on tv
trigger warning
right after I got a haircut I like
my mother takes me to the grave
of my dog that died just three days ago..
trigger warning
my dad talks down to me
trigger warning
my brother talks down to me
trigger warning
I make my mom mad
trigger warning
I cry at an overly romantic scene on a tv show
trigger warning
I'M TIRED OF ALL THESE ******* TRIGGERS.
so pull it, pull the ******* trigger
and watch me spiral the **** out of control
until the tears streaming down my face
seep into the lungs I use to try and breathe-
but see the anxiety is weighing down on my chest
like it wants to steal my lunch money-
pull the ******* trigger.
Go ahead television, mom, dad, brother, anyone
pull the ******* trigger-
and watch as my mind goes blank
twenty round shots straight at my hand
and then wonder why exactly I want to be dead.
trigger warning
No. These hands have held the gun too long
placed my fingers neatly on the trigger
ready to aim, and to fire
like I'm in some kind of action movie
"CUT!"
because i'm not a ******* extra
in some botched overly explosive action film-
I'm the ******* director of a best-selling
highly anticipated autobiography turned movie
that sells out every single theatre opening night!
I am in control of these words I hear
I am in control of these emotions
that I have spent my days trying to feel entitled to.
I will no longer hold close to the gun that triggers my downfall-
The NRA ain't got **** on me baby
because I'm packing thirty two rounds
of sure fire confidence and aiming right
at my own insecurities but I won't pull the trigger-
because I can't **** what makes me feel so alive
I can't **** these emotions I wish to diminish
but why would I want to?
Because I feel things more strongly and profusely than most
and I love harder than any ******* I have ever known
and I **** and I fight with more passion and more fury
than any Nicholas Sparks novel or Jason Statham movie-
******* try me!
Because these palms hold more grudges than hands
and this body feels more anxiety attacks than relief
so ******* try me-
because I am not my trigger warnings
nor will I ever be.

when the skies get gray and the sun burns out-
I will always take you with me.
when the smile from your face fades
and your life is nothing but a hollowed out memory-
I will always take you with me.
Maybe indecision is still a decision
but this body yearns for your touch-
and I can't shake the feeling.
when I'm with you every inch of my being
feels whole again, and I am who I've always wanted to be.
you never hold back, or tell me half truths-
so I will always take you with me.
when the sun reignites and the sky is a lighter shade of blue-
I will always have you
whether next to me or in the back of my mind
I will always take you with me.
I still look at you like you're the only one in the room-
even if you're too busy with insecurity to see
but I will always take you with me.

But you-
you seem to look at the other-side and don't realize-
these words are not just words
they are everything I feel for you-
since the first day I knew.
I hope you realize this
and I hope you never forget
I have and always will-
love you.