Just when I think you don't know me at all and that everything I've come to know and love is falling out from under me, you remind me that you've always known me. You've always known the part that tries to push you away because I get scared but you don't let that happen. You know I'm irrational and inane but that's why you love me. Everyday with you I am reminded to be a better person, for myself and those around me. I lived a life with my head in the clouds thinking no one wanted me, but you came along and showed me what the grass felt like between my toes and showed me the ground felt a lot more like home. Sometimes I try to rationalize love, to over-analyze it and dissect it, until I know exactly what I'm dealing with. But you remind me to feel with all I have and not to worry about the weight on my shoulders because we carry it together. Things are hard for me to cope with sometimes and these days feel so bleak and colorless, but you're always right there next me convincing me not to be afraid of the dark, to just wait for the sun to rise again.

I'm so ******* sick and tired of being just someone to you. I start to wonder if it matters who I am or if the presence of a body is all you need by your side to provide you with comfort at night. The friends and the nights of sleep I have lost for you are mountains in comparison of what you've given up for me- which is minimal, maybe just some time and your sanity. Your hands have held onto me for so long you don't remember what it feels like to be without. The cold between your fingers has been long overdue and I have been so worried about you getting frostbite I forgot to keep myself warm so I am left with a frozen heart. I would build you monuments and you would tell me it blocks the view of your precious sunset. I would sail the entire see to grab the sun and bring it back to you and you would tell me your skin is burning from the intensity. So it seems to me nothing I do, no amount of effort I put in will ever be enough, but at the same time it will be too much. So is it asking a lot to want the same treatment in return? All I ask is for adventures and surprises, maybe a second out of your day where you do something for my benefit.. But you're too busy stuck inside the monument I built for you and basking in the rays of the sun I brought to you only to never realize that I am frozen in your embrace. Parts of myself have been lost inside your arms, and hidden away beneath your sheets. I do not like what I've become, a mere shell casing of who I've been. Extrovert turned introvert by love's sinister embrace.

Halfway through halfway through my life I understood what it meant to be wanted by no one and not aware of anything all at the same time. I've driven miles and seen many places but they all fade to gray over the horizon. My eyelids become heavy as I think about the sleep that I need, but instead I stare at a computer screen. This life has brought me twists and turns, ups and downs and it's like roller coaster tycoon on an old desktop computer because these days I find myself trapped inside are slow and these words I am engulfed in are incessant and I can't seem to turn off full screen mode so everything that goes wrong I can't run away from anymore. The mistakes look me right in the eyes and deem me unworthy of avoiding confrontation. It seems these feelings are starting to demand refuge and they're tired of spending seventeen years in a cage. These matters can no longer be referred to as trivial. I have made more mistakes than I have made poems and I'm tired of being a victim of my own emotions.. No longer will I stand and watch the sunset slowly fade away. I will chase that skyline until I see the dawn again. I will plant my feet firmly on the ground and I will do the only thing I know how, grow.

I would like to be happy for other writers because they're a lot like me and in the same sense not anything like me. But these words upon these pages can't help but reel me in, whispering sinister secrets into my ears, telling me not to let in anyone and keep my pen to my self. These words are my wreckage and these bones thrive off of the ink that spills, spills into my veins until I'm not sure I have much competition anymore. It's a rush, an escape and a piece of nirvana flowing through my body. But I cannot help the fact I feel insecure. Everything I've ever done, or have accomplished has been overlooked or taken away. Not this time. I will write until my hands are sore until the crippling pain of arthritis makes me no longer capable of using my hands. I will then use my words to encompass the page because all I'll really need is like text to talk or something by then right? **** since the age of about 6, I knew this was my lighthouse, my way home when I couldn't see the grass in front of my feet. My way out of the dark corners and into the arms of those I love. The lifeboat I needed when drowning in the same sorrows as my mother or when I was drowning in the bottle like my father. This is my sanity, and in the same sense my downfall. So when I stand here and recite for you, write for you and smile and shake my head and tell you all these things about myself not many people know, realize it takes more than these ten fingers, these two legs, and this one thumping, beating out-of-my-chest heart to be this exposed and this naked. Usually at times like these, if i'm not shaking like a leaf I would be picturing you all as puppies, but now I'm just picturing you all as my family, my close to home even though I'm not sure what home feels like anymore but if I had to pick, and someone asked me on the spot, this would be it, you all would be it. So when it comes to writing there is no winner, or loser or anything in-between, there is you and there is me, pen and paper, shaky voice and butterflies knees, right here is sanity.

As I lay motionless, watching you watch the tv screen, I remember how much you mean to me. I remember how much I hate rhyme schemes and when you don't pay much attention to me. How I love your smile and the way you get so passionate about the simplest things. I enjoy that part of you. You don't feel like you owe me something. You make me laugh because you like my smile and not because you feel like you have to. I have seen the glimmer in your eyes when you look into mine and I am reminded that those are the moments I live for. I've never written in my life as much as I have while being with you. I think that means you bring about my passionate side about the simple things. I'm scared of the dark without you in it. You make me feel safe and I don't know what I would ever do if I lost that part of you. I don't know what I would do if I lost you. Someone could come along and show you parts of yourself you've never seen, like you did for me.. You can fall head over heels in love way more than once, but I hope the one time with me is all you'll ever need. But if one day, I no longer make you happy, I will do my best to adjust to a life without you.. But I hope, oh god I really hope I never have to.

I count down the days until the things that get under my skin decay me and I am left with nothing more than a stardust heart. These days blend together like water color courage and turn into something like acrylic coated love but I can't seem to make my soul worth selling. It never occurred to me this currency is something I have to base my being around but it is the sun and I am merely just the earth. Learning how to live, one rotation at a time. I will never stop spinning, and nor will my head because even when your heart stands still, it actually doesn't. The earth continues to orbit and the stars continue to shine night after night after night and so do you. We are the galaxy and the planets, all in the same hands that feed the mouths that are eager to learn and soak up knowledge. I have learned that nothing comes quickly or on time, nothing is ever planned. Everything is obsolete and ever so inept to stay consistent. So let these winds change, and the sky turn to gray. Let the sun take a break from chasing the pale on your skin and open those wide eyes and believe that not everything is worth knowing. You have to understand that you can't understand it all. Some things aren't meant to be seen, some words aren't meant to be spoken. So hear what you will and see what you want, because none of it makes a difference in the end. We all are subject to change.

IVE GIVEN YOU EVERYTHING. Ripped out my ******* heart and handed it to you on a silver platter and what don't you understand about that? I did, for you, the most vulnerable thing someone can do. So never treat me like I'm ordinary because you control the one thing that drives my emotions. So when you're lonely and missing me, remember that's where I am at every moment of everyday. See everyone feels things differently, but why do I feel for you a love so big it's the entire country of Russia? When you feel for me, well a love that's grand but I'm not sure how grand because you've never actually disclosed the information. Why is my love so big and so consuming that it turns me into someone I hate when we're not together? My anxiety without you is like your 8th grade best friend out to be exactly like you, but yet change everything about you so she can go behind your back and steal your boyfriend, while then making sure she ruins everything you've worked so hard for. I'm never sure if I have multiple personality because I become someone new every moment anxiety consumes my being and wears my skin as an overcoat, and uses my ego as a umbrella from the storm that is my train of thought. I DO NOT FEEL NORMAL. But does anyone, ever? What I'm trying to say is that, I love you. So don't ever take that **** for granted because I will become the Kanye West and Miley Cyrus of breakups. I will be everywhere you look even when you don't want to see me. All I ever wanted was to love someone and have them love me in return and now I have that. This feeling is the best worst thing and I'm trying to manage as I go. Loving a mentally unstable person is never easy, but ****** you try your best. I have to learn to love myself the same way you love me and I am taking small steps, but I am still moving forward.