You've over-stepped your boundaries for far too long, so I took sides. I drew the line you crossed and you just blew it instead. I gave you a dose of your own medicine and you starting enjoying the high. I began to wonder when exactly it was you lost yourself, so deep inside someone else. Tears became sobs and anger became overwhelming and you still stayed for a reason I'm not sure of. Wondering where we went wrong became my downfall and I wasn't sure what to believe anymore. You take the words from your throat and paint them over sinister skylines and I'm not sure you even know the meaning of a lie. Every truth had become unfamiliar and every bond became broken. I tried to get you back to the person I knew, but somewhere along the lines you became hollowed out by your vices and got lost in what you thought were escapes. Now I worry for your safety and mourn for the person you once were because that's not who you are anymore. I'm exhausted trying to decide if the words slipping from your lips are credible or if you'll be indebted for the rest of your life. Strength in my bones I have attempted to carry the weight on your shoulder and made them all into mine, but the load got too heavy and you were left with nothing, watching as I struggled to save you. I haven't got a clue left on what to do. But I will mourn for you.

Never feeling anything became my safe haven at a young age. Most days, the only thing I wished for was some reassurance, or some kind of mild affirmation. My days were spent bottling emotions because where I come from, feeling things gets you nowhere. The sickness that overcame my mind became who I was. Negligence molded my personality and I wound up in more compromising positions than I can count on both hands. Naivety became someone else's malevolence and my imminent downfall.

Recently, I have learned to feel the things I've always kept bottled up- so these emotions are new for me. When the wave of sadness overcomes me it's never just that; it's crippling and exhausting, and hard to manage most days. I never just feel something simply. Anger is always rage, jealousy is always extreme envy and insecurity becomes suicidal tendencies. This is all so new, and i'm not sure it will ever not be because I've spent 18 years hiding every single thing I felt for the benefit of someone else. Now these bottled up extremities are flooding over me like a tidal wave I cannot escape from. This is my high tide and I wish I could make you understand.

You come from love, attention, reprimanding and affection. I come from neglect, dollar signs, bruises and empty bottles. Where there was a vacation or a trip, there was a 4th grader walking an entire cruise ship alone in the middle of the night. Where there was affection, there was a command shortly following. I don't want to let my past effect my future but it's made me who I am. I will never apologize for who I've become because I don't exactly know who that person is. I cannot fault you for your flaws, even though they are little to none. But I am forever wishing these actions of mine didn't seem so foreign to you.

You were the first boy to buy me flowers and they weren't roses like all the other girls get. They were the colorful, cheaper ones and I liked that. That was the first time I realized that you knew me, a little better than I knew myself. I was terrified of you. Not in the way that I thought you would bring me harm but in the way that I knew you would make me happy and I didn't think that's what I deserved. I made you sad because I knew I couldn't ever be happy, but then you found love so I guess it's okay. I'm still trying to decide if I am finally happy because I'm not sure exactly what it feels like. I cry a lot, I guess I always have except when the alcohol masked the pain. But I didn't want to go down that road and now every time that sip hits my intestines I get sick. I guess it's for the best, isn't it? We were always meant to be friends, because it's simple. And this love in my life now never is. Maybe I was meant to be who I am now, in order to grow from who I was because I've never really liked myself. I'm not sure that part of me will ever go away. I guess being a friend is the only thing I don't **** at these days. I hope that part of me will always stay.

I dyed my hair today and couldn't stop thinking of all the people I would disappoint, but I dyed it anyway. I woke up today and thought about all the people I would disappoint, but I continued my day. See this life is filled with those who wish to keep you just as you are. But you, you are every-changing, obsolete and beautiful anyway. I try to tell myself I don't care about the people I upset by making the decisions that make me happy, but it doesn't hurt any less. I have become a gray, middle-area of who people want me to be. I have grown so accustom to others customs that I'm not sure where I belong anymore. No one seems to be around anymore and I have dug my own grave. Somehow this feels lonely again, the same loneliness I have tried to run away from. And just when I turn around to look, thinking I lost it, there it is as I turn back around standing in front of me, awaiting my next move. I may never rid of lonely. I may never be myself again.

I will breathe you in. Inhale. Hold. Exhale. Repeat. Consistency is never my strong point but the only thing I tend to keep doing no matter what is breathing and blinking. My lungs have collapsed from the pressure of drowning too far into the deep end. My ears have popped and I feel that urge to breath again, but can’t quite get back up to the surface fast enough. I can feel myself giving up just as the break that surface and gasp for that breath of fresh air I have waited so long for, and that’s what loving you feels like. Relief. I have spent my days stuck in the dark because I couldn’t find my way around these walls I have built for myself. I wasn’t responsible enough to remember, I needed light. That’s when you broke down the walls I was confined in with your sledge hammer heart and built me the moon with only your bare hands. You told me you loved me fast and nervously and I knew then you were my lighthouse, my nightlight, and my bedside lamp. Always there for when I needed light. You’re my breath of fresh air on a humid day and you make me feel like walking into a refreshing air conditioned house on the hottest day of summer. My cup of hot chocolate after an all day battle with snow ball fights and sled rides. I’ll never need the drugs most people abuse because you are my high.

I am broken, again and again and again I try to put myself back together but these thoughts, and these uncontrollable emotions will not let me. I have been bent by instances from before. These hands will not let go even when I try to pry them off of what's been holding me back. Ridicule is what I am used to and in some sense it is comforting. But the incessant lack of decency that surrounds me makes everything seem so bleak. I am tired of being sorry for these things I feel and I'm exhausted trying to hide my pain for you.. Bottling up these things that hold me down is harder than I had ever imagined and I wish I could erase the pain  I feel for you but that can't happen. I cannot just wish away these things I wish to wash away, if only it was that easy. I am broken and your contribution isn't much but it somehow makes a difference. I need to find myself again and I need to get away before the elephant in the room tramples over everything I've worked so ******* hard for. I have no words anymore.