I hang on so tightly as if  don’t trust my own grip
every day is a never-ending battle of please quite down and please keep talking
any slight movement will push me past my breaking point
when i cut you off, i cut my hair off. the sound of hair dropping and scissors equivalent to the snapping of the line being held between us.
new me, no more you.
i can’t seem to shake you, you’re not even that great. i think i like the half *** attention you give me more then you as a person.
Its time for me to break it off and move on for good this time. Delete you off of everything and erase your number again. Its not the silence i hate but the absence you feel when you realize you don’t talk to someone anymore. The feeling blooms throughout your chest, strangling your airway making you desperate.
Second chances don’t always work out, but at least i tried.
Heart please listen to mind this time.

My heart hasn’t beat since you told me you didn’t care about me as much as I did for you

My throat hasn’t stopped aching in agony from all the cries trying to scratch their way out of my mouth
I shut them in as if that will silence them

My body won’t stop shaking from the impact you had on me
I wish I could say it was the good kind

I want to stop this pain, I’m hurting while you feel as light as a feather

I’m the extra weight you finally loss

There’s nowhere for me to go anymore 

Sometimes I wish I could be the one inflicting the pain 

That’s just not in my nature
I am a leaf, providing a cushioned and safe spot to fall for the raindrops
I am the sunlight warming up all the dreary cold
I am the bed you fall into when you have no motivation, I will fill you with enough love to get up and trudge through the hardship in store

I am always there supporting and giving you secret pushes towards the passion you seek

I still only want the best for you

I thought I could escape everything If I kept running
but now I've broken both my legs and without you as my crutch, I'm not sure I'll find the willpower to walk again.
  The other day I realized you can prolong the pain for so long but eventually you're going to have to come face to face with it.
I still can't look you in the eyes.
   I swear I can still feel your calloused hands on my lips, They keep me quite and passive. I lose the urge to speak whenever Im around you.
  When I look in mirrors all I see is a little girl staring back, eyes wide and apprehensive. Her hands are shaking and her teeth are chittering, shes breaking down on the inside.
  I wore my boots today to feel confident, maybe if I walk loud enough people will finally acknowledge my tread.
  Im tired of tiptoeing around, I will stomp my feet until everyone hears the pain Im trying to resonate. You always told me i was too loud, I hope I shatter your eardrums now.
  You cover your ears and shush me, I shrink down to the size of my heart, indecisive and weak.
  My father always said patience isn't our families strongpoint, I'm trying to change that. I keep giving you chances because I'm tired of expecting the worst out of people. Maybe I'm more like my dad than I'd like to admit.
  I want you to prove me wrong, I need you to try.

I haven’t thought your name in a month, I forget when the time arrived that I stopped keeping track of how many times you crept across my mind
They say the day that moment arrives is when you’re done grieving 

Done allowing the sadness to seep in

Done letting the dead mess with you

Done living life with a ghost 

Ma’s seen multiple psychics as a way to still have you in her life 

number 4, letter A, books, pride, my voice
Regret

wishes he could still be by our side, living the happy life he led with us before it was so rudely ripped away

As ma says this I turn my head and cover my ears

The dead can’t talk

The dead can’t think 

The dead can’t wish

The dead can’t live

He says he can’t believe how much you’ve grown, your voice, your hair, your strength. He wishes he could’ve been there as you grew up

As ma says this I hold my breath and count to thirty

Thoughts of pale corpses

Thoughts of cold skin

Thoughts of heavy caskets

Thoughts of cold, January wind 

Thoughts of silence 

Ma looks over at me waiting for a response but I only briskly nod my head

The dead terrifies me, always has

Pa telling us to hold our breath and close the windows whenever we passed a graveyard 
They’ll get you and never leave you 

You’ve never left me

Hair tugging, moving things, whispering 

The last thing we talked about was religion, you ate your favorite steak and sat down for a movie

I walked the dog around nine for an hour, the night wind brisk, swirling 

wondering what I did to be blessed with such a loving life 

Death terrifies me, it hasn’t always 

Never knowing when it’ll visit

Never knowing who it’ll take

Never knowing 

Left wondering

I can still hear the collapse of my mothers heart, the shake in her yell and the pounding of her docile fists the day my brother left.

Gasping silence and shocked, wide eyes

She couldn’t believe that the monster she always saw lurking in my father had finally shown its full form.

“He’ll come back, they always do” he said 

“Get off the ground and move on”

As if the absence my brother left behind was just dead weight to be carried.

He only moved into an apartment a few miles away with a girl he tried really hard to love
  
She was just there to help him feel a tiny ounce of independence from the tight knit cell we often found ourselves boxed in.

Tow away his car, **** all the dignity he has left out of him, rough love is real love 

Cancel all his accounts, alienate him from any connection to our blood, rough love is real love

Tell him we won’t be here when he decides to stop dreaming and come back, rough love is real love.

Extract the sound of his name from your lips and discard the memories, easier for us to forget that he exists. 

I used to count sheep whenever the “lets see who can yell louder” game started

I imagined each face was his running as fast as he could to leave this hellhole we called home

I wished I could too.

I still haven’t been able to count sheep since, they only keep me awake serving as reminders of the mock childhood hammered into my skull from the ****** hands of my father.

I used to think I had my mothers heart but more and more of my father is beginning to seep from my pores

Bitter control freak tendencies I can’t scrub out.

You can only be called a worthless  ******* for so long before you  start believing it’s true

I believe that’s why he ran.

Running is a passion of mine

The harder I push, the less I think

I can control the amount of pain I feel.

I’m a runner

But I don’t want to run from this anymore.

I used to say labels were nonsense.
That’s easier to say when your not stuck dazedly in chest deep mud, befuddled to how you even allowed yourself to get this far in
I’ve come to terms that i pathetically need a simple word to fall back on, a carefree shrug and the word “friends” simply just isn’t cutting it for me anymore.

Time always gets in the way, at least in your case and what a big ****** time tends to be, selfish-oblivious (Maybe I’ve begun talking about you)
.
My brain hurts from the constant back and forth thoughts pinging around my skull.

My migraines have come back with a vengeance, sometimes I imagine they’re you.

They say men’s thoughts get stored away in square compartments, tucked safely away and organized, free to visit another time. while a woman’s thoughts are similar to spaghetti
.
I use that as reasoning to why you stay so calm ( i always make up excuses for you to ease my rage).

I need peace and you’ve brought havoc over me, thing is you probably have no clue.
I’m afraid, out of my comfort zone and my trust is laid out on a counter with a knife beside it
.
Your call

Missing you is like floridas weather

constant

Is the year I stop picturing how you would be a year older if you didn't die the year I move on

Or is it the year I forget you