my mind is as empty as the glass thats half full
see im confused, but still optimistic about everything I been through
The scars bring me back to my past
A time where darkness followed me untill I collapsed
Lifes been hard, its a true struggle
But ive learned to never put anyone above you
Listening to my thoughts, one at a time
Collecting these memories as if they were really ever mine
Scattering these pages and burning them all
You may watch me slip, but youll never watch me fall

Ive always wondered what heaven was like
And how it looks when you cross to the other side
I cant wait till the day I enter, and I see you there so we can sing and ride
Loud and obnoxious just like the good old days
When we didnt worry about a thing
But until then I cherish our moments we had and all our memories
Holding your love tightly, and never letting it go
Never forgetting you and how you would lift me up when I was feeling low
My dearest cousin I love you till the end of time
The world seems so different now, the pain has not been kind
Untill I pass those golden gates, I try to live my life for you
Keeping my head held high, forever missing you

I smiled back when he asked if I was alright
Knowing inside I wasn't
I laughed when he insisted there was
Dark deep thoughts drifting through my mind
Release me
I smiled back when he asked if I was alright

Wishing for the sun,
staring at the moon.
Visions of the day,
leaving way too soon.
Walking through the mists,
darkness throughout.
Overwhelming distance,
but courage is found.
Running forward,
faster than before.
The light is reached,
sadness is no more.

I wanted to see you but then i remembered your no longer here
I wanted to hear you but then i remembered we no longer speak
I wanted to feel you but then i remembered everything you feared
I thought about us but then i remembered how we are too weak
I didnt want to remember anymore

Theres flowers in her hair and stars in her eyes
She wishes many things but always wonders why
Her dreams are so vivid they feel extremely real
when shes fast asleep she no longer feels
Her body is so numb, cold from all the pain
living in the moment while fighting all the shame

APN

The silence is louder than ever
Im wondering when things will get better
Lost in my head
Cant feel a thing
I must pick up to endeavor

The silence is louder than ever
The thoughts dont seem to bring pleasure
Holding on too tight
Grasping way to hard
Hoping none of this lasts forever

i took faith by the hand and walked with her slowly
she whispered sweet nothings into my ear had me believing
she took me to a place i wasn't familiar with
she had my attention, her truth seemed so real
i had emotions again, i could finally feel
she told me all terrible things with time will heal
i took faith by the hand and ran with her swiftly
things started to change even more quickly
she took me to a place filled with the unknown
i was finally no longer afraid of what things might be
as i looked passed the darkness all i could see
my own reflection looking back at me


apn

Behind the smile and behild the laugh,
the anguish that's felt never collapses.
Every corner and every chase ceases to exist in this sacred place.
Mind so bottled; heart completley filled, hoping and wishing for another life to build.

waiting eagerly and very patiently
as you sit there expressionless
waiting to hear your voice
understand your words
feel your thoughts
but nothing is
spoken, not
a single
word

apn

the rain drops drip down slowly
on the edge of the building
as i look down i think
"would i drip as slowly as the water
falls so soft?"

As i run through the mountians
I have nothing on my mind
I close my eyes and breathe in
Feelings the fresh air enter my lungs
The pain and hurt slowly fades away

For nature calms the anxiety
As the sunlight reaches my face
The glow warms my whole body
I have found my nirvana

On a mountain near a waterfall
I watch the water crash against the rocks
It reminds me of all my anguish  
It come slowly but falls fast and hits hard

I close my eyes and feel the wind
It blows against my face
Sending chills down my spine
For I have found my nirvana
And I do not wish to leave

You are gone and I am here
I am stuck, and full of fear

Your promises were empty
All filled with lies

You know we were okay
Once we looked in each others eyes

But you are gone and I am here
Im just stuck, trying not to tear

When we said goodbye I cant deny
That I felt something horrifying inside

I knew that this was it
Its officially over

Nothing left to do
But try and stay sober

Inside our hearts we knew it was true
But honestly

I cant get over you

Im flustered
Filled with anger
To let go is to live
But i cant let go
For i cant live like this
My heart beats slow one moment
Then i cant control how i feel
My heart beats fast
I cant breathe
Tears flowing down my face
Why cant i let go
Im trapped in between sadness and anger
For i cant live like this

Kiss me here, kiss me now!
Show me love, and show me how
Teach me your ways
Indulge me with your knowlage
Whisper me sweet nothings
Fill me up with butterflies
Never let me go

*apn

My scars bring me back
When i see them i become unrelaxed
An uneasy time
So much pain in endured
I dont think ill ever be fully cured
My mind frequently wonders to those times
Im struggling, even still now, no, no im not fine

I find it hard to sleep at night
In fear of whats not in sight
I cant hear a thing because i am sleeping
And in my room he comes creeping
In my bed he feels comfortable enough to climb
Innocents is what was taken and it was mine

I thought i was safe in my home
Just one windows open, no one would have ever known
Now that its all said and done
A different person is what ive become
More frighten scared and afraid
I wish my boyfriend would have stayed
If he would have been there just this one time
This man wouldnt have commited this awful crime

See i find it hard to sleep at night
In fear if whats not in sight
I could have never seen this coming
For some reason my mind just keeps on running
I cant get his face out of my head
Washing away my tears
Wont help because im in fear

**** im tired,
drained emotionally im strained.
The power i had simplet drifted away;
everything i fear seems so near,
nothing can change, the people i follow,
the ones i learned from, reality,
justification, illibiration, and qualifications;
seems so hard and difficult to capture the power i had simply drifted away
everything i fear seems so near, one being born dont change generations simpley its my illibirations