you HAVE
to go your own way.

whether you like it or not,
that's where you're g o i n g.

so you might as well
make it
weird
and fun
  as hell.

sometimes you cry
when you are making soup
because you’re the
saddest of the saddest of the saddest
of the sad

.15mm dot after dot after dot
after dot
and line after line after line
after line

and you say what you
can’t say
without saying
a thing

i hope you enjoyed
my dead
fish eyes
and flaring
nostrils, sir

don't take it
personally
i mean
you caught me!
fair (eh, hem)
and square

i'm sorry, what was that?
did i see you hiding behind the semi?
why, no sir, i did not
did i see the semi?
yes, sir, i saw the semi...
    and might i add, that if i had
    seen you...you would not, in fact, have
    been doing a very good job hiding?

thank god someone
is making sure
i am perfect in
my vigilance
i mean, christ
i deserve to be punished

and i take my
punishment like a man
no trickery
no cleavage or
crying
just grim acceptance

the state, nay,
the country does not have
its hands in my pockets
deep enough
and as we all know
i am such a
thoughtless fool
and do not understand
the ways of the
road that
i must pay
for it
because we all
know that money
teaches
and knowledge is
the problem

to prove that
i am made
of different stuff
i rolled home
on
bald tires
an empty
fuel tank
and pure spite
because i am
nothing if
not rational.

when i become
      squirrel q u e e n
and you become m e...
  (in those woods)
  (under that sun),

i h o p e you
   recognize m e.

i h o p e you listen for
    my steps,

and i h o p e
    you follow me
  w h e r e e v e r
i go.

in constant tumbling thought
what i desire
is so clear...
so simple...
so pure.

but in the heaviness
of the earth
all i feel is
the impossibility
of all things
precious to me...
  slipping through my grasp

why even pretend to decide
whether or not
to lock
the memory
in?

i know better.
i know not to listen to songs like this,
   when i feel like this.

but i just do it anyway.

because i can't decide which
procedures, if any,
ever actually work.

reevaluating my
  traditionally avoidant behavior
  towards things that
trigger an emotional response,

i decided to just flip it completely
   and do the opposite.
   (i don't believe in much
   but i do believe in experiments.)

so when i suddenly hear
  that haunting viking-like
  gut wrenching solitary horn
  instead of diving for the
fast forward
i decide to focus on it instead.
put all my attention
into listening.

i try not to think,
just feel. let the words,
the music, the silence,
the bass,
all of it just hit me in waves.

(i think that might be the key.
because if you let it come
all at once,
and not in waves,
you would surely suffocate)

waves lead
to crying when it's
a song like that.
because you know
| it's love |
some kind
of love.
it couldn't be anything else.
there is no off-brand
or substitute. it just is
whatever the **** it is.

i mean, what possible meaningful
defense can you have
against something
  you don't even understand.

like chaka khan,
please don't do this (sweet thing)
because my heart can't take it.

if it should be revealed
       that i am a fool

take heart - for it's no reflection on you

when will i
be held to account
for these quarantine sins?

the miles between point a
   and b are too many
but as always, the race is on

...and oh, yes
  i am in a race
of my own creation

brain calculates and recalculates
eyes darting
vehicles
    sunlight
road
    mirror
(is that an officer of the law?)

i practice the smoothest curves
   fluid motions
but at the same time
      sweet sassy maggy
follow the rules

don't forget the coffee for the love of god
    make it to the one gas station by 7
for ****'s sake, get around the blue car
   the black car
the raggedy old truck
        before the exit or you know
you. are. *******. for. miles.

for christ's sake, use all your ******* skill
   to get a around a stupid slow truck
farm equipment
      or a semi
before thou shall not pass
  or you know your rage will be uncontrollable

things are going well
   you feel confident...you will be on time
you are flying and no one can touch you
   your driving is flawless
       that crazy sun is shining
          and the bass is vibrating your bones

and then t i m e    s   l   o   w  s
    as William H. Macy, you see it
it's that ******* Kia Sportage

adrenaline shoots into my veins
  muscles tense
and i slam into manual
4....3
     take that!
       woman cruising like you're on a lazy sunday drive
          smoking a cigarette like it's 1950.
        
don't you know that i'm in a race,
     and you are my nemesis?

if i can just
make it through the winter
    maybe that will be enough.

if i can just
survive this fall
   maybe that will be enough.

intention is utter madness
what matters is
   the action
        the forward motion

i don't intend
i am

and there is no art
but the love i carry

why do i think of
dinosaurs every time
i hear a trombone?

and it seems to be
our american tradition
to check out mentally
about sixty l e v e l s (in)
and i can’t even begin to contemplate
what it could mean
to give two whole decades
less of a ****
than i do now

oh,
the women are always
so silly and
c o n f u s e d!

can't you see that?
don't you see that is the problem?

listen to h e r.
l i s t e n to her.
listen t o her.

if you aren't listening to her,
you aren't listening to me.

i think my education
must have been heavy
on the
analyzing.

[tater tots, sour cream, & smoked gouda]

i'm deeply afraid
that i am
a kaleidoscope
of shards

crushed
colored
glass

there is too much
s p a c e
around me
deafening silence

i want to be
held down
i want to be
smothered
i want to be
warm
i want to be
in the sun

i feel like
an exploding star
or a character
in a movie
that gets overcome
and flys apart
into brilliant
shafts of light

i'm sick
of trying
to stifle sobs
because i don't
want my neighbors
to think i'm
a ******

and i've been
thinking maybe
i'm not as old
as i think i am

and that is
terrifying

it is worse
than being old

because time is
stretching into
a vast expanse
of nothingness

how do i trust myself
when everything
has fallen apart

when all my decisions
have led to this...

this?

...but i've
been falling from
space

hard.*

burning through
the atmosphere
like a
bat out of hell

and it is
the only thing that
seems right

i trust myself
in the realization
that plunging
to the earth
on fire
is maybe
the best thing
that has ever happened to me

i'm not trying to stop
in fact, i'm picking up speed
being pulled
by gravity

if i had to be catupulted
into space
unwillingly

to realize that
this *breathtaking fall
is better

then so be it.

and i will
put smoked gouda
on tater tots
unapologetically
in an effort
to class up
this joint.

and because it's delicious.

i dream often
that i cannot move
or move s l o w l y
unseen and
unheard
breath a
struggle.

fierce brilliant talons
stained glass
mulberries
a cold snap
ebb and flow
trudging through
   flooded swampy ice grass
vestibules and
locked doors
aunts
white blankets
star trek beeps
brake lights
2 chocolate chip scones
and honestly,
i haven’t felt better.

the weather turns
a gloom descends and
this place
becomes
grim.