I sat with my ***
I had so carefully
Slab-rolled
And I decided it was
Too plain
So I used the Elvish you taught me
To etch
In
My
Name.

I didn't have
The sweetbeautiful
Calligraphic guide
You made
Just for me
So I wrote what I knew
Your name
The arches and lines and dots
Oh so familiar from
Countless notes in this
Fictional language
Your language of love.

I sent the words out into space
Asking how to make a 'v'
And after I asked
I realized
What I almost had written
In this triangular ***

My name
Your name
Love.

I felt
Just like a 4th grader
Doodling in the margins
Of her notebook the name of that
Elusive 6th grade crush
That darling so far away
I felt

Stupid.

I hold my favorite teacup
The one that not so long ago
Yet so long ago
He drank from.
I gave it to him because
I could trust him with my life
And that's how much trust
One needs
From me
To drink from it's gold-rimmed
Porcelain beauty.

"This is good."
Were his words
As he sipped
The sweetspicy chai
While I did the same from a mug
I did not hold quite so fondly.
He understood
At least
A bit
How important it was
That he held the cup.

I'd prefer that this
Could happen again
That I could make more
Chai
And we could sit at the
Blackwhite table and
Smile and laugh because
That would be good.
Better than to
Never see that smile again
And better than
Holding back from what I feel
Even if that doesn't last.

This morning I sip my coffee
From my favorite teacup
And I know that I
Will not deny
Myself
Any measure of love,
No matter how fleeting
I will not say no
Should he give me his cup.

I sit back
And my heart is warm
Physically
Like the heater in his car.
And I cannot, though it feels so good
I cannot stand it.

If I could pick my infinity
Any moment to live forever
Moments from today would be high on the list
Because nothing turned it bitter
I would most prefer
The last hour in the almost-dark

A moment from that would be beautiful
The soft reek of dog food and dogs themselves
Watching him work with the broad head
Of a Lab under my hand
Would be wonderful.

But I know what I want most.

I want the infinity of those kisses.
His lips softer than I thought
They always are, somehow
His warmth and his
THERENESS
I want that to be for me.
And I know I can't have it, I know
He cannot
Love
Me.

But this was by mutual agreement.
I signed myself over to confusion
As did he, but
I can't
Help but feel
That I long for
More.

I sit
Lean and trembling
And I want any part of my day with him
To be forever.

I love the sweetness of the coffee
Though it was too much
Because of the smile
In his eyes
I love his understanding
Of so much
My wants and my feelings
And I know
I will not find this elsewhere
But it's like
I promised
Not to give my heart and I know
If I did he would not take it.

Though he will hold me, and kiss me and
That
Is enough.

No matter
What
You say GOD knows
I will never
Be good enough.

No matter how
I try
No matter how I
Give you my soul
I'm not
Even on the list
I've no chance
No choice
No hope.

As usual.

I wish I could trust
The words
You say
Deep into the night
When you give me
The bittersweet
Chocolate chips
Of your soul.

I drink in your heart
With reckless abandon
I consume your affection
Like I eat
On the days
When I can.

The hysteria
Of you destroying yourself
From within
Drives me MAD
But at least
You keep your promises
And maybe someday
I'll be the name on your wrist
That stops you.

Today
Was nearly perfect
Being close to another person and just breathing in who they are and smiling
I like days like this.
But Desperation
Reared
It's ugly
Head.
The piper must always be paid at the end
Of good
Days.
I wanted it to last forever.
Maybe feel
The curve I noticed
To those lips I saw and I
Liked the way he laughed
When he didn't hold back and I smiled
To see him smile
And I can't deny that smile a word or a thing and I don't know that it's
Safe
To feel
This way.
I want to know things will work out
But they
Can't.

My tongue
A sweet silvery dagger's blade
The cool flat of it slipping over you like some archaic inhuman magic
Sometimes, however, it slips
The keening edge moves into the flesh of your soul
Like so many scalpels into mastectomy patients
And you bleed in ways
I never meant you to

I understand that the ache falls deep
That it's hard to forgive those who slash you
But hear me out
Because my arms are the deftest needles
That mend the human heart
From the inside out
They can do anything you need
But only you decide
If there will be
A scar

Please
Don't make me treat poetry
Like it's stagnant, static
Just chunks of stanzas
There is more to the greats
Of poetry
Than dissecting
What they left us.

When you're given
A pearl necklace
You don't cut open the pearls
To examine the layers
That lead to sand
You appreciate the
Facile beauty
And gently
Softly
Contemplate
The complicated structure
Therein.

"Poetry
*****"
And no wonder they think that
Teachers make
Reading of intricatesweetlovely
Words
A chore
A task
A question of right and wrong
Not of how you feel
It doesn't matter
What some textbook company wants me to think
Sometimes
Poets
Aren't being metaphorical all the time
And ALWAYS
We need to feel the poems
For
Ourselves.

Please don't ask me
What my favorite feature
In the sculpture of you
Is
Because that's ******* nonsense.
I can't pick out one
Like the ripest berry on the bush.
You don't work that way.
I love the way it all works in harmony
The way that I know that nothing would look right on anyone else
But it looks like heaven-sent beauty on you
Your nose, your eyes, wrong on any other face
Are the face
That dreams are made of.
I don't love you for
One piece of the puzzle
I love you for the picture now that it's done
You are more than the sum of your parts
More so than any being has ever been.
You're the revelation of perspective
Of shading and shadows
In the art of my life
And I will not view a painting
In 2 inch squares,

Oh God
You have said
Those 3 words I so wanted to hear
And now I know
I can't live without them.

They've given me the confidence
To be myself
To maybe
Almost
Love myself
I don't know if you can see
The change in my stance
The smile in my eyes
And you make me feel
Like I could be
Beautiful.

The goose is a curious animal.
It does not trust me, even now, after months of trying.
Months of holding a trembling gosling who nuzzled me.
It now has not trust for me, even though nobody,not one person, has ever harmed it.
It tilts it's silly head and stares at me and tries to figure if I'll try to catch it.
I thought, foolishly, there was love in this beast.
But a goose is not a boy.
It doesn't care if it upsets you.
Doesn't care if you just want someone or something warm near you for comfort.
Which makes it much better off, in the long run, than a boy.
I can force a boy to care.

Man nestles further in his falsehoods and fabrications
The subdued hues alluding to something...Lesser
Rough yet rigid, in pillars frigid and
Stone.

Barely fitting, barely standing
Hardly loving, hardly meaning to go
Choked like an asthmatic child in the smog
We are the snow in a blizzard after the world prayed for sun
The wolf at the door with teeth gone dull
Don't worry of the time
You've plenty to mull
It over.

In the face of the storm we comprise
The sun to bright in our losing eyes
We must go.

Lest the scars of our past strangle us like a partridge for dinner
With loss there's no winner at all.
Meet my eyes even if you don't love me with your heart
Don't be
Harsh.

Be careful
With your words, little one
Anyone might say
You love me.
And you
Know they already
Have. They say you never
close your mouth about me but I just wish
You didn't close your heart.

"Are you two sisters?"
The thought of me ever enjoying those words
Makes me shudder.

We have eyes of the same color
And when you didn't dye
Your hair
We looked so alike
And with our gazelle-like third
We made a trio
I the shortest, as always.
"More bars in more places"
Much laughter ensuing.

"i never would have let him kiss me if i had known!"
That's exactly how you said it.
But you lied, because
More
Happened.
You took him in ways I fantasized about
Thank God he wouldn't let you
Slip your little fingers around
His virginity
And rip it from him
Like you rip the beauty
From my heart.

You couldn't believe how he had used you.
I couldn't believe how you lied.
That's when the ending began,
Because I could forgive him
But not you
And you never forgive anyone at all.

You play the martyr.
You were used, abused, thrown away
Disregard the fact I hid my love for him away for 2 years
And you said his face gave you nightmares.
Obviously he's in the wrong
For being a stupid boy who wanted to keep us happy.
You never did a thing
Except
Create
Every
Problem.

You made me feel like nothing was good enough
Complaining
Your ******* were now D cups
How tragic
That your ***** were getting so big
When I felt like mine didn't exist.
Every good feature you had you made nothing
And I always was the smart one,
So that must have made you
Prettier.

I know I'm self-centered
But at least I try to be subtle.

I wanted your family
They loved me
I never knew what that was like
To have little ones that
Love me.
"Alice is our favorite big sister!"
They chorused every time.
I want your family still,
But I will not stand you.

Do you think
It possible
To
Love
Two people
At the same time?

This is what you asked
In the 4 miles of space
Between us not even
Connected by
Wires
And I feel you didn't even have time to
Think
Before I blurted
Yes

I'm wondering
If that question
Means you're falling for me
The way your kisses always seem to say
And things are okay
But soon sadness of
Winter's past
Will descend on both of us
Mine of a love I lost
Yours of a love still lingering
But unwilling
And I may
And I will
Seek solace
And comfort
And love
In your arms.

I wish
I could kiss away your scars
That they'd slip up
Onto my lips
Slide away
Like insubstantial gossamer
And I could swallow them whole
And they'd never come back again

My scars
Are so long gone
Though nobody ever cared enough
To press their mouth to them
To drink them in like they wished
They'd disappear

I am so glad
To be the reason that
You don't mar your skin
To be the reason the
Perfectpale surface
Of your arm
Stays as pure as it can be
When spider-webbed
By the pain of your past

Though words cut deeper than knives
You still cut
So deep
And I want to be there
Every day
To love your tears into oblivion
So they never return

I tell you it's my job
When you try to thank me
But if it's work
Then I am living the dream
Because all I could ever want
Is to be a reason you smile.

Vague indistinct hatred
For nothing in particular I
LASH
out
My fangs are bared, hackles raised
Claws of nails of hands
Curved sharp
Nothing is safe
Nothing sacred
I want to bite, pounce, snarl, howl
Let me ****
Sate my bloodlust, let me be full
It's better than nails in flesh
Teeth in my wrist
I am tense muscle and wrathful energy
Let me destroy
Show you my Dance of Death
of Destruction
Demand and Desires
And let everything not be a thing
At all

Meanwhile
In a land of simple pleasures
And fulfilled dreams
A child sings like the world is perfect
Not knowing that someday
Pleasure will be harder to come by
Dreams harder to achieve

The song is not much
No rhyme or rhythm
But these things do not matter
To a child.
Perfection
Does not matter
In a place where everyone loves you.

I thought that
Just maybe
After we were done
You were going to finish it out
Finish high school like you should have
Even though you failed
In the long run
Never asking for help.

When we were still a cat and a horse
Against the infinite pain of the world
I offered all the help I could give
With an open paw
That you never
Took.
I'm the
Smartest
Girl
You will ever love
Yet you wouldn't let me
Help you with your
Geometry homework.

I just wanted
To be happy and I
Ruined everything for everyone and maybe
You were all the better it was ever going to get and I'm
Never going to be with the him
Or anyone ever again
And I'm going to die

Alone.

It was
For the record
My idea.

I told you
To write the names
Of people
Who love you
On your arms
Instead
Of
Cutting
Them.

And
Of course
It bit me.

It's never my name
And you
Send me
Pictures
To show
Me
You do it
That it works
But it's
Her
Every
Time.

I didn't think
I could make you smile last night.
You made me guilty
For what I did well
Even though you were the one who made me do it.

You told me the ways
Everyone
In your family
Was broken.
And all the ways
You were
That I already
Knew.

Your father
Was wondering if you had EVER
Been on a date
And when you said yes
He doubted it had been with a girl.
I now have his fleeting approval
Until he finds out
I don't believe
In Joseph Smith's words.

You told me you own a mountain
Or 6% of one, but
Hell.
That's enough of a mountain for me.
You said we could have our very own castle
And stable
And I asked why you were so sure
It'd be me but
I didn't want an answer.
I was just glad to know
That
Maybe
I was your princess.

You moaned my name
Through the vastness
Of the space between us
You were
A whole state away
Longing for my kiss
My touch
And I loved that I could tell you
Between gasps
Exactly what I wanted.
I could tell you
Of all the ways
I love you.

Milk it for all it's worth, little girl
It's not going to last
Love fleeting and slim and
Slight shall escape again
Like raindrops slipping down a windowpane
And his
SKIN
Feels so warm and right
When you get so cold
In the heat
But he can't last
Love can't last in your life
You are small
The miracles that need to happen
Must take away blessings from others
That's what robs the smiles and
Love
And contentment in its gentle way
Goodbye
Goodbye
Love,love, goodbye.

Remember
You are magic,
A peculiar kind that lives here
In our barren, desolate world today,
A magic that conjures up smiles from sullen tears
Love from ill-used and broken hearts
Comforts my aching, hollow sadness
Embraces my everything
That, dear?
Magic.

You
Must have cast
A peculiar kind of spell
Because when I look in the mirror
I don't see everything I hate and fear about myself
I see a thin, beautiful, worthwhile girl
With a flawless, soft, delicate form
Eyes a-glow with hope
Don't deny the
Magic

My head
Throbs
A headache conceived yesterday trying it's hardest
To be born unto the world
Like Athena, kicking within the thin cavern
Of my skull

This feeling
Makes me long to return to my bed
Perhaps with another to follow me
I want to sleep, entangled
Limbs pressed together and betwixt my partners
Warm and safe and bare under the sheets
Seeking naught but comfort
Warmth, relief
And love

This painful
Wondering
Are my assumptions correct
Of his actions
Oh God
If he did
What is
The world coming to and
Why
Does it bother me?

He's not mine.
That's a fact and I
Can't complain but I felt like
I might
Void the
Contents of my stomach
Brilliant pain
Of food exiting the way it entered
Searing me

He is not mine
But if he had been
Maybe
It could be okay
And I wouldn't
Night before 1 of my 2 days
Would be spent
In formal wear
With strangers
Arguing
Be feeling the urge
To make crimson flower
From my hips, thighs, stomach.

You look to your lives like they're the focus
You're the feature presentation in your world- the theater
The center ring of a circus, sanguine and self-assured
You're the protagonist. Those who oppose you? The villain
The potted plant on your desk applauds

The universe smirks.

In its haughty eyes
You mean less than the grit in the corner of your eyes when you wake
You're the boy sweeping up after the movie
The freak show near the back fence
A background character without a name while the story plows on
One orc at Helm's Deep, felled and forgotten
No jokes, looks, or bricks to build your character with, your voice echoes Alone

Don't even hope for one line out of pity
The author has no need of you
On the stage?
You're a prop.
Stop pretending like only you matter, maybe things will change
The world does not crane its neck
For a view of your hallowed life
God forbid
You find everyone as valuable as you see yourself

You ABSOLUTELY
FRUSTRATING
BEAST
My fingers curve sharply, wanting
To claw at my arms
To strike your pretty face
Then kiss you so hard our teeth collide and I
WANT my love to hurt you
I want there to be startling violence in my affection because
I can't stand to not care about you
Even if I can't stand the way you act.

Always on dates
Never dating
Is that my fate?

"Technically I'm yours on dates"
Drop
The *******
Technically
And you have yourself
A lovely thing to murmur into my hair
Though my brain
Will misconstrue
Anything
At all.

Please
Just love me
I know you can.

I know you love HER
But even SHE
In the depths of her heart
Wants you to be with me
She wants you to be mine
Because
She knows she can't
Handle
Being
Yours.

"Honestly
I hope
with all my heart
he
grows
to love you
eventually."
She said
When she told me
She is jealous of me
After I said
I envy
Her.

There's the strangest
Frailty
Purity
To the way we are now
You are 2 letters short
Of saying the words
I want to hear.

We're a thing.
Not
Together,
But admittedly
Not
Apart
And as we sit
Curled sweetgently
On the sofa
I feel your lips
Your teeth
At my neck
Ear
Cheek
Dancing on and off my skin
Twittering, fluttering
Like the way small birds mate
Intricate patterns
For instants of contact
And I want to kiss you
In exactly the way
I want to love you
Long, hard, with
Love permeating every
Fragment
That will resurface
After passion is spent and
The radiating post-pleasure and closeness
Descends.

We're not dating
But we're kissing
And you act
Like you could be my girlfriend
My coat keeping you warm
When you need it but then
You take it.
I think I wouldn't care
If you were really a woman
Because I am in love
With your soul,
Because, despite every stitch of perfection you possess,
That is the most beautiful part of you.

Lord knows I'm obsessed
When it feels like
A dream of us just talking, laughing, and embracing
Is illicit
Bordering ******
Doing what I do so often
Is like a *******.

At least it's a fantasy you'll fulfill for me.

How obvious is it
That I'd love the ***?
But you should know that I
Love you
Because I would never try to
MAKE
You give it.

But I want it.

Right now, I don't need it.
I need the
"3
Little
Words"
And the resoundingly royal title
Girlfriend,
That word that means I don't have to be so scared
That you'll find someone else.
Something to give me a handful,
If nothing else,
Of the Sand
In your
Hourglass.

"I'm not going to place"
I said
The literal instant
They called my name.

1st place is the blue ribbon
That's well known
But 5th is
Apparently
Green.
But you would have me think
It was perfect.
You would have me think
I'm perfect
And I don't know why.

You held me on your lap
And complimented me
And when I said those
3
HUGE
words
As I do for you because I mean them
You said them back.
And
I don't know
If I should trust you.

I made cookies
The wrong way, with anger
Permeating the dough
The order was wrong and I knew it
But I had to get it OUT
I burned my
Hand on the
Oven but that was nothing
Compared to how the match flames
Must have felt
On his skin
His skin
With freckles from hand to shoulder and
I can't
Can't
Can't
Handle this right now.

I scalded my hands to wash the mess I made
And it burned
But I knew
It was not nearly as hot
As fire licking flesh
Of a boy
Whom I love
Who disregards all promises
To ME that HE
Will not hurt himself anymore.

In a world where
Kids burn themselves for relief
And babies are abandoned
And pain abounds
What difference
Does one batch
Of wrong cookies make?

You
Were the friend I thought I had
After 4 years I expected some loyalty
How foolish I was

You
Pick him over me
And tell me you enjoy the abuse
Being treated like an object
Good luck with that

You
Are the thumbtack hiding
In a box full of rose petals, waiting
Just to make me bleed, and to stain
Something sweet

1st place
Legitimate
The first time I've won a
Trophy
In my entire life

And you weren't there.

I was so excited
My body
SHOOK!
I never expected to one anything
At all
And
When I told you I got
"Good job :)"

You encourage me to do this
Begged
Pleaded
Anything you could do
To make me join you in it
And then
I got
Everything
But not
Your joy