Alexis

Alexis May 2018

Red rover, red rover, we call Maturity over.
To interrupt our childish games
and fill our minds with growing flames.
From which will call the barrier to rise
the intervention between our imagination and our eyes.
And from our eyes where tears still fall
we miss the tears we could forget most of all.
For if we knew that while we played
we were merely creating memories meant to fade.
We'd have kept them closer to our hearts
and fought the dark, each doing our parts.
Surely if we saw how quickly time pushed us along
we would have pushed back harder and strong.
Red rover, red rover, we've realized too late that
our childhoods are over.

#childhood #play #ifweknew #growingup

Alexis May 2018

Unsending the unsent

Do you ever wonder what the message that I never sent said?
The message that from your side could only see it pending, while I read it back to myself over and over, hesitant to click send because I knew that depending on one small movement of my index finger, my world could either burst with colour and become complete or drain to grays and crash down, never to be rebuilt as sturdy again.
The message that pulled me away from society and slowed time while I was trapped in my subconscious, unaware of the events unfolding around me because the only thing that mattered were all the different storylines that could become my life in a matter of seconds depending on if you read that one message.
The message that was so carefully phrased and forged through a mixture of sudden confidence, the truth of how I felt for you, and my desperation for change; to change the way that I spend every night alone longing for your love, and to replace my sadness and tears with the solace knowing that you desire and care about me.
The message that I ended up losing faith in and erased, for I was too scared to risk it all, because if it hit me that my fears were now my reality, it would have been the one blow that shattered my cold, cracked heart into millions of shards so sharp, anyone who tried to put them back together would just end up damaging themselves too.
So in those moments where I let my mind drift, the question that will forever lack an answer often resurfaces;
Do you ever wonder what the message that I never sent said?

#regret #feels #takeachance

Alexis May 2018

Missing the false-reality

I miss the very beginning when time seemed to slow the moment our eyes met, and the way we would effortlessly talk about anything and everything
I miss how just thinking of you could comfort my restlessness, and feeling the warmth radiate from your body on to mine
I miss the small feeling of hope that there was a chance you felt the same love and longing for me
Now if we make eye contact anxiety courses through my veins and my thoughts race, and when we talk I'm terrified of saying the wrong thing, too much, or too little
Now when I think about you it poses as a reminder of how you unintentionally stole a piece of my heart and filled the missing space back up with cold loneliness
Now I am drowning in the sad truth of the reality that you will never experience the passion and joy, and the addictive love that I felt for you
You will never cry until your eyes are too overcome with exhaustion, that not even the faintest tear can trickle down your cheek because you fear I don't love you back
You will never lay face up staring into space completely numb because you think if you manage to suppress or even **** your emotions then the heartache will dull and the hurt will fade
You will never feel as cold, alone, foolish, and unloved as I do - because the difference between us is that I will always love you, although I can never be yours.

#false #love #unconditional

Alexis May 2018

Love-hurt

feelings; I think it's these harsh and uncontrollable feelings that cause the pain, the dreams, the thoughts, and the tears
each tear that forms in my eye and falls silently towards the earth carries a memory
a memory that once brought comfort and happiness, but now only brings an empty sadness
a sadness that consumes my paper body in its tiny yet eminent flame
a flame similar to the one that lights the end of my cigarette as I inhale
as I inhale, waiting to dissipate with the smoke and become lighter than the dusks' cool air
the cool air who's fingertips gently caress my skin, sending shivers throughout my bones
my bones that ache almost as much as my ears do to hear your familiar voice, even just a whisper
a whisper that allows me to feel the faintness of your breath against the side of my neck
my neck, that instead, suddenly feels only my warm tears trickle down, breaking my trance
the trance that I eternally crave, that lets me escape my fading reality
my reality where I spend the nights alone with my loose and endless thoughts
thoughts that can only be temporarily suppressed by drinking and smoking, and anything that helps me forget
forget the hurt and the heartache, the fears and the worries, and the knowledge that you will never be able to love me back.

— The End —