i
am
trying.

I have a talent that not all can say they do.
Not God-given,
Or even special, really.
More of a skill, a trick taught in the darkness.
The one that suddenly appears
After nights of trying to bat away
the curled talons that inch my traitors forward.
My traitors.
How dare they betray me,
How dare they fall in love with the hand that says will give them all,
And leave me shaking,
In the bitter, dark, coldness of my room.
I have a talent that not all can say they do:
I’ve learned how to stay silent
When even my heart gives out,
And leaks its sorrows,
Staining my cheeks.
I’ve learned how to silence the pounding words in my head,
The profanities I never got to shout.
I’ve learned how to silence the grief that comes in toppling waves,
Because being in numbers is being stronger.
I’ve learned how to silence the ever-growing sorrow and grief,
That attacks in the dead of night,
With a jab at your heart
and a buzz in your head.
Never leaves,
Yet not always present.
But here I am,
Here I still stand,
Silenced and surviving.

sometimes i just feel like the words clot in my veins and the ink is spilled on my soul and my heart is ripped like the pages of my favorite notebook. my lips are the cracked leather cover from too many forced smiles and the light in my eyes is only the artificial light bulb i use at 3am so i can see what i'm writing. my verses are as repetitive as my endless reassurances, condolences, apologies. mother, i have nothing to be sorry for. my limbs are stiff like the spines of all those bound books i asked for for christmas, sitting somewhere in my room as a heap. i said i wanted to be a writer; i did not want to become my writing.

do you ever feel like there are mountains and oceans and stars and galaxies that you are meant to explore. but you're human so you are grounded and can't fly and can't escape this little life you have to call yours. but then you see your brother smile or your mother cry or your best friend laugh so hard you just have to bend over with her on the floor. and suddenly all those mountains you thought you had to climb you were actually carrying and they were weighing you down. so far down that you were sinking past the earth's crust into the depths of the ground leaving everything and everyone behind. every first kiss you have ever had. every first book. first song. first dance. and all of your lasts too. your last goodbye to the boy you thought you loved and your grandma who always wanted to travel the world but never did.
and within the chaotic mess of your little life you have to have. you realize all the mountains and oceans and stars and galaxies you're meant to explore are already inside you.

i asked the universe
for a favor but even
shooting stars didn't
know how, so i had
to keep thinking if
                              we were truly meant to be, we would be
                                                              ­                            by now.

it's funny;
i didn't remember what it was like to be young,
i mean,
i'm young now but
i guess what i mean is happy.
i don't remember what it's like to be happy.

my infinite happiness,
endless source of despair.
my worst nightmare and
my favorite fairy tale.