I watched it falling.
Each perfect snowflake silently being laid to rest.
Forming flawlessly onto a bed of white.
The darkness surrounds me and all I can see is red.
I’ll spill my sins on this beautiful white canvas.
Lie down on the cold hard ground and hope that I too may find perfection among the rest.

And you’ll just write me off.
Pretend that none of it even mattered and that’s fine.
But you know that I know better but I’ll let it go.
I’ll walk with my head held high.
Just know that I miss you, mostly all the time.
And this pain in my chest will slowly **** me and that will be that.
We’ll share a sad smile and we'll part ways
But know that I know better and I wish you could have stayed.

Sometimes the pain doesn’t go away; you just make room for it.
But that doesn’t mean that life can’t be good or that you can’t be happy again.

When the sun goes down and everything gets quiet
The slideshow begins to play
A flashbulb memory of you dancing wildly around the piles of decay
Forever tormenting me and feeding on any bit of happiness that dares to shine through
Shining a light on you kissing her, and me kissing you…
I feel so disgusting…
I feel so used…
I feel so worthless…
It feels as though all of the love I ever gave you was abused…
The light burns my eyes
I’ve been in the dark so long
It hurts even more now that I know this has been going on all along
Did I ever mean anything to you?
Did you ever really care?
Or was I just there to fill the space?
I ask these questions, but the answers I can’t bare…
So many nights spent alone, pining for your love
Looking for just a small shimmer of hope…
Or just one kind word from you to think of…
I don’t have the heart to tell you everything…
What I did while you were gone
Sitting in the dark alone…
Praying not to make it to dawn
I keep these thoughts to myself…
It would only break your heart
After all this is our chance to make it better
This is our fresh start
Still, it eats at me everyday…
Every hour, and every second
I have to wonder if what you say is true
I have to wonder if you really meant it
Are you really ready to come home?
Or was I what you settle for?
Did you come back because you wanted to?
Or did you come back because she wasn’t an option anymore?
How will you deal with temptation?
Will you do it again?
Can we put this all behind us?
Can our hearts ever mend?
Will you make it to the top?
Or is the mountain of guilt too high to climb?
Should I try to move forward with you?
Or am I just biding time?
I’m just waiting for the hurricane to swoop in…
For it to take everything I ever cared for
Leaving me alone again…
I can’t watch you walk out that door anymore…
You are always leaving…
Leaving me behind
Your words forever haunt me
They never leave my mind…
Why would you do this to me?
Why didn’t you offer me mercy before now?
I hate what happened to us…
I want to move forward, but I don’t know how…
I don’t know how to live with everything you have done
Every broken promise ever made
Every lie you have ever spun
How do you come back from that?
How do you crawl out from the debris?
How do you forgive these trespasses?
How do you forgive adultery?

Suddenly I felt myself slipping.
Grasping frantically at any strand of sanity that could be found.
There was nothing.
I was completely and utterly alone.
The silence rang in my ears.
It whispered inaudibly but somehow I understood.
It was like a warm blanket tightly being wrapped around me.
It felt how it use to feel when you held me.
I miss you, you know?
Maybe that’s what love is.
Insanity.

I woke this morning with a heavy heart and pessimism on my brain.
I thought of all that could go wrong and has again and again.
I reached out from the darkness to pull the curtains back.
Shadows scattered feverishly, hiding from the Suns attack.
As the rays seeped in, it seared my retinas.
I felt it peer into my soul.
I was left petrified.
Stuck in this black hole.
My body feels so heavy as I comply with today’s routine.
Get up, get dressed, go to work.
Don’t forget the caffeine!
Keep up.
Keep going.
Don’t let them see.
Smile.
Laugh.
Joke.
Anything to hide the real me.
Go home.
Get ready for bed.
Have a glass of wine.
Settle back into the darkness and pretend that everything is fine.
Fall asleep to the nightmares.
The ones that sit on pause.
Scratching at my memories with their feral little claws.
Toss and turn.
Try to sleep.
Try not to go insane.
Wake up.
Repeat.
Again, Again, and again.

She’s leaving soon and she’ll take my heart with her
Care for it my dear, for it’s the only one I’ve got
Drunken evenings spent on balconies
Do you think I can fly?
Maybe tonight I’ll take a swan dive
Spread my arms and just soar
“If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow, Why, oh why can’t I?”
It’s 2 AM and I’m dreaming of you
Dreaming of what once was
Nightmares, really, is what I guess you would call them
Are you even alive?
This empty bed is just a reminded of all that I’ve lost
All that once was, never was, never will be
Was I dreaming this whole time?
Did I just barely awake?
Were you even real?
Maybe tonight I’ll sleep on the lawn; fall asleep under the stars
Wake up drenched in the morning dew
Maybe tonight I’ll drink myself stupid
Pass out on the kitchen floor
Maybe tonight I’ll actually fall asleep
Maybe I won’t dream anymore