She paused. Again. Hoping to gain another strength before she forces all these wastes out of her. One last sigh before she sticks her ******* into her throat and let her body pay for all the gluttonous thrills she can’t help with. For having that omnipresent urge win over her and throw her into a feast. That is the absolute worst. Because that’s when waves of regrets come flushing to her. She feels so panicky like the world’s falling apart. And now her eyes is watering with tears, her throat is sore with all the strain it has gone through, her abdominal muscles aching as it repeatedly contracts. She is stuck in this endless cycle of being deprived and depressed, drowning herself in sinful indulgence, feeling a tremendous loss of control, filling her self with unforgiving remorse and finally hurling those horrible monsters she just opened her doors for. But it’s the only key to make her hate herself less when she looks in the mirror. It’s the only convenient solution to experience the stuff she has been dying to taste without harming her goals. Everybody talks about positivity and loving yourself but she lacks the ability to stress how hard it is. She’s at the point in her life where she can not be okay with how her thighs look like wearing jeans, how it’s just as big as her father’s who is taller and more muscular than her, how she gives the best smile she thought she projected in photos and looking more like her whole face is swelling. How she goes crazy terrified of some numbers that increased. She did not know what they said bore far more greater value until those moments. It waved flags right into her face and snapped her into the reality of how hideous she has become.  And now she met metamorphosis. Those comparisons that drive her to run fifteen extra minutes to her half-hour routine, that made her enjoy exhausting herself knowing that she will burn more especially with a bit of calories to arm herself. Quite often, she wakes up in the middle of the night, belly’s screaming with gnawing sensations and she can’t deny she is very glad of it because she knows when she steps on it tomorrow morning, more will be lost. It signifies hope is coming and let me tell you, it FUELS her. She has learned that the only way is to make those numbers go down. Those numbers that define her. Those numbers that equal her self-worth. Those goal numbers that she believes when she finally reach, will be the only thing that could give her the ecstasy that she desires. Because with every intake, she felt emptier and with an empty stomach, she sensed fulfilment. Alternating between these two universes she ultimately craves, where in one, she takes absolute joy without ever feeling guilty in finishing her medium rare steak to the bone and the other where she wears herself out hoping to be closer in shedding the unnecessary, excess part of her to the bone.

I never would have thought your whole existence could carry much significance in my life. There you were, standing, introducing yourself in fifth grade while I sat interested looking at you.
2. Have i ever told you that you are a great big ******* sunshine. Your good-mornings remind me a bright day ahead and boy you even make late night-talking so LIT my eyes are glowing yeah (from the brightness of the screen apparently)
3. You're a Virgo. I'm a Gemini. They've always told that earth signs do not always get along really well, with us, signs of the air element. And here we are proving them wrong. We're so much opposites yet we're more like magnets.
4. You wholeheartedly accepted my rainbows, supported me in every way and made my mess seem less of a storm.
5. Imagine lying down on flower fields at 6am. Listen to ****** hiphop songs. Think of the word wonderful. Watch a movie abundant of corny punchlines. That's being with you is like.
6. Together, we become investigators, actions analysts and psychological advisers when it comes to the people we like. Offering impressions and psychic predictions just so we could be sure we're hitting the right track.
7. You're the apple to my pie, you're the straw to my berry. You're the dirt in my eye. You're the Tom to my Jerry.
8. Fall down seven times. Stand up EIGHT. No matter how petty or serious our fights are, we're gonna mend it my best mate.
9. I am your biggest fan. Just like that.
10. Lastly, I know you're never into poetry and **** yet I made you one just like how I can't comprehend how you create art pieces so beautifully or just draw a single line so spectacularly. I'm always in awe. You give me glee.

We both like red
He's captured by its vibrance
While she dwells on its gloom
Truth is I love maroon

We both look good in it
Yet your sight belongs to another
He let a wide smile and she does too
While I stare in peace, holding myself together

Have you ever seen two worlds in contrast? One is just a plain sight. Never demanding anything so extraordinary. While the other one consists of billions of possibilities that you'll give up learning Math's permutation and combination. It's beautiful actually. You could say that it's pretty tiring but dimensions are a whole lot of fun. One afternoon, you're only reading a book in a bustling train. Never feeling that cozy in a long time. Being surrounded by a crowd temporarily makes you forget that you're lonely. Next thing you'll know, you're standing in total darkness. The loud chatter of the person you sit next to, suddenly fades into deafening silence. Hehe but don't worry you are not alone, darling. There's a smiling demon beside your face. He's quite delighted to see some company.

It's strange right? But I love strange. It's just the kind of level I need. You'll get the hang of it. The most exciting part is that it drives you out of your comfort zone. I hid there and hibernated but I learned that it did me no good. Okay **** now where was I? Oh yes, I have to tell you the ******* thing about myself. I, Erin Roma, am miserably bursting with dimensions. And it's all a slippery *****. No, I don't want to hear my skull breaking again. I'm done with that. But the question resurfaces, is he done with me? Because I still feel the blood in my forehead. It hardened so much that no matter how determined am I in wiping it, nothing ever happens. It just stays there.

The voices in my head linger. No, I'm not some lunatic killer. Hmmm I might be someday. But right now, I'm just plain lunatic with her spectacles shattered on one side standing on the top of a cliff, staring into the emerging horizons. I still wear it though. The glasses, I mean. Because you'll never know when will it strike again. The world is full of capabilities. The sharpest light sawing back and forth, ripping through the pupil in my eyes, just before it dilates. Was it salvation? Do I need some saving?

No, you couldn't possibly be referring to God. That was so 10 years ago. This real world slapped at me. Now, it's gaping its doe eyes on you. Watching our every move. Threatened by the fact that I'll go back. No, I'm not turning myself into an obsessed idiot again just so that I can solicit something from Him. I was a hypocrite back then. One of those judgmental little ****** dressed as righteous disciples.

I'm ignoring all of it. The ghosts nagging me, engulfing me in a vortex. Should I go back to the plain world? Back to the life of pretending to be things they expect you to be? I'm  a non-conformist and I've suffered way too long. Enough of the zigzag that you're currently dealing because of me. Eyes closed, I'm starting to grasp where I am going.

ALL THIS HAPPENED BECAUSE OF ONE KISS.

IT MEANT

WELCOME
TO
HELL

I laughed back saying "BITE ME."

you are a dream. my guilty pleasure. the jaguar i needed to drive off a cliff.
the satisfaction of throwing away the luxury just before it loses its beauty. desperate to desist our connections yet fully aware that i'll be lifeless in the end.

When I woke up, groggy from the previous mind adventure, I knew I was still deep in slumber.
Dying to unveil what satisfies my deepest questions. How do I get out of this labyrinth? A pilgrim with nothing to hold on to. Not so sure.
My very own sanity is a hurricane. Severely obsessing over the slightest bit of your imperfections. Don’t you know my heart hurtled? When you called my name?  It rode a space shuttle, plummeting in loops when you tease me with those sweet little things of yours. It was ultimately extreme. It screamed. Screamed so wildly because it wants to stop and at the same time, it feels so high that it could reach the seventh heaven. Now, does it please you to see me struggle? You win.
I wander the insides of this hideous monster and wonder what it’s like to be outside. In the real world. Maybe this is the door to something, something  cinematic and magical. Maybe things would be rough before it goes smooth and velvety. Yeah maybe. I forced myself to believe.
I have made several attempts for a sweet escape but every fugging time, I am always lured to come back and get trapped again.
Your presence is an intertwining intoxication and remedy. Maybe, I shall get you arrested from making me suffer from an euphoria that you hit and ran. Or maybe not because I enjoyed it in some way. Your sadistic crime brought me so much damage that my brain rejected to function properly.
Now I’m feeding on pure delusions that I could still recover and get back safe. Safe into paradise that I initially think you were. It’s like thinking that you’re taking the right path to heaven and suddenly it gets darker, uglier and before you know it you’re about to experience hell. Hell inside a maze.
“Please wake me up. His pull held me captive so tight.” A voice echoed with a blur.
I can’t grasp whose is it. Ever since I came here, I hardly recognize who I am.