This is a different kind of pain
It's different because no one knows
because it's bottled up
but the pain is too much to live with alone

This is a different kind of pain
because you were the one that helped me through
it's because of you that I'm here today
but that didn't matter anyway

No pain is greater than loss
not unless you lose the one you've had for your losses,
Who knew you were bottling up pain,
who made you open up

No pain is greater than betrayal,
heartache, the end to something so strong
and it is the pain in my back
that reminds me not to take you back

If this is what's in store
I'm not interested in anything
you're selling.
I'd rather be alone and
hurting myself than
try anymore.
One sided **** that doesn't make a difference
Guess you gotta be a part

of the group or cease to exist
at all.
I'll have another beer
and forget I was ever here.
I'd let my connections to
the outside world die
rather than use them to reach
you any longer.

If you call reaching my
efforts of getting your attention
and your letting me fall into
this nothing and bottle.

Jesus Christ, keep dancing
You've got the attention,
just not mine.

Congratulations, you're very near
destruction and,
I hope you lead us there.

In a dark room with NO
curtains
I can see you
Beg for unique capabilities,
I'm tired of it.
and you'll be thanked when
judged because you're just
so different.

Sorry I took your note cards
while you were busy forgetting I
had a place in the
world.
I was busy trying to leave a trace.
To follow home
because this place
*****.
-- I was going to leave these for
-- you to find
-- But, *******
-- Get out of my mind.
-- On second thought,
I'm actually really good.

I discovered roller coasters for the first time after I saw my therapist



She told me I had
OCD, DID, ADD, and an eating
disorder She told me to keep it simple and
stop trying to please others I told her to set  herself
on fire I decide to take my damaged ***  to an amusement
park and tell the drive  I’m allowed I’m 5’4  You’re a ***** I spit
on him and jump into the car I defy gravity by myself on this tipsy turvy
future mobile I go up and into space and ride through clichés until my overalls
Snap off and set me free where I float without medication Snap out of it, you hairy
**** You never know how it feels to lose control until you’ve lost all control She never
Knew With the giant pebbles and water cascading downwards in a freefall And the terrible
feng shui that parts her massive thighs point my eyes into her pant stain while my entire head
falls down for the bottom A sick endless cycle of torture just like    
the Mexican chanting annual melodies
…at a Tucson establishment
…sitting on truck tables at the doctor’s office
…cutting off DNA into style
…fighting off fever with drive by flu shots
So I count to 5
while I
make hot cocoa
And tap the doorway
I try on 4 different pairs of pants
eat an entire bag of Cheetos and
throw up
It’s all situational and relative and ridiculous
I don’t care if some 14 year old wears orange lipstick and
***** off her math teacher




Tell me Doctor what’s the diagnosis for my sick bluish foot
Oh you’re right I guess I do need to vacate the premises
The Land of the Lepers exists and we have renamed it “America”

why are you sad?
Should I blame you?
I want to.
I wish so badly that I could point my finger
and truly believe myself when I
curse you for hurting me this way.
Should I blame God?
Why did you let this happen to me?
What the hell are you doing up there?
Why are you sad?
Should I blame destiny?
It was always supposed to end up like this.
HELP ME!
WHY AREN'T YOU HELPING ME?
And the reality that I am to blame for this,
reaches out it's icy cold hands and wraps them around my neck,
choking every last bit of air from my lungs.
WHY ARE YOU SAD?*
I can never escape my own mind.
I'm trapped here forever.
Suffocating.
slowly,

s u f f o c a t i n g

So much to be done
eyes hurt, feet hurt
cat hisses at nothing, only frustration
cramming work into minutes making time seem like it's squished
together and blending into itself, one minute overlapping the next
try to keep a clear mind from work to grocery store
to home, to clean to eat to, to,
my verbs, of what must be done, are rising over the top
of what is possible.

Minnow, go to sleep and dream,
  Close your great big eyes;
Round your bed Events prepare
  The pleasantest surprise.

Darling Minnow, drop that frown,
  Just cooperate,
Not a kitten shall be drowned
  In the Marxist State.

Joy and Love will both be yours,
  Minnow, don't be glum.
Happy days are coming soon--
  Sleep, and let them come...