the more he saves me
      with his help
the more I feel
          indebted.

There are downsides to living in a small time,
And I’ve seen every single one of them
Because there are only so many roads you can go down
And so many store corners you can duck into to avoid seeing that one person
There are only so many ways to get home
And only so many houses
And when you’ve been in the same place since you were born, there are only so many ghosts you can outrun
And these days
I’m getting really tired

When I was 15
I lost the written innocence
of girlhood
and gained the status of a woman.
When I was 16
still a growing girl
with the reporters
spreading rumors of my
newfound womanhood
I was a target.

Still 16, I was manipulated by a devil with an iron fist.
Six months of being a mindless zombie
following his agenda
wondering if an exorcist
would ever save me.

By the time I was 17,
I had no words of my own
was constantly smiling on the outside
while unknowingly dying on the inside.
As I approached death
a reaper saved me
holding my hand
as I was ready to go.

When I was 18,
I fell in love with the reaper
who told me of my faults
and my truths
who allowed me to love myself
even while loving him.

Still 18, I had a voice of my own,
a smile of my own
even words started to flow easily
I no longer mumbled
or held my head down in shame.

By the time I was 19,
the reaper saved me again
from the impending doom
in my head
and I was so selfish to not see
I was making the reaper sick.
sick of me.

As I reached 20,
I hated the reaper
he who saved me from
death too many times
even though he could've
let me pass.

The reaper was tired of me
wishing for death
when I had life
all around me,
he eventually reaped himself
and left me alone
wanting me to feel what he felt
when he had to saved me from every reaping.

Once I was 21,
I wished for him to come back
apologizing for all the pain I caused.
He didn't believe me
testing me with my life in his hand.
I let him have it
as he gave his life for me.

Here are two pupils
whose moons of black
transform to cripples
all who look:

each lovely lady
who peers inside
take on the body
of a toad.

Within these mirrors
the world inverts:
the fond admirer's
burning darts

turn back to injure
the thrusting hand
and inflame to danger
the scarlet wound.

I sought my image
in the scorching glass,
for what fire could damage
a witch's face?

So I stared in that furnace
where beauties char
but found radiant Venus
reflected there.

Kindness glides about my house.
Dame Kindness, she is so nice!
The blue and red jewels of her rings smoke
In the windows, the mirrors
Are filling with smiles.

What is so real as the cry of a child?
A rabbit's cry may be wilder
But it has no soul.
Sugar can cure everything, so Kindness says.
Sugar is a necessary fluid,

Its crystals a little poultice.
O kindness, kindness
Sweetly picking up pieces!
My Japanese silks, desperate butterflies,
May be pinned any minute, anesthetized.

And here you come, with a cup of tea
Wreathed in steam.
The blood jet is poetry,
There is no stopping it.
You hand me two children, two roses.

Anorexia was the most attentive
Girlfriend anyone could ask for
And I fell hard for her
I fell for for 500 calories a day,
The sense of control it gave me
Compliments from girls I'd never talked to before
Doctors so pleased that I was finally "healthy"
That feeling,
Of stepping on the scale
And realizing that I took up less space
Than when I'd stepped on the day before
The feeling of water hitting an empty stomach
The hunger pangs
That secretly thrilled me
The thrill of the lies
The ones that became ever so easy
To slip off my tongue
The thrill of a secret love affair with death
I fell for an abuser
I fell...
Literally
Bruises lined my body
From bumping into walls
Because my body was so
Malnourished I couldn't
Walk down a hallway
Fell down a rabbit hole-
Fell down into a world I couldn't escape-
Thigh gaps, thinspiration, tips and tricks to
Hide this wonderland in your head
Walking headfirst into Anorexia was like walking
Into a haunted house
It's fun and exhilarating at first
It's a game, it's harmless
And then you realize that the doors
Are barred and it dawns on you
That ringing the doorbell of death
Was not the best idea
I am a study in skinny does not make you happy
The 5 pounds you wanted to lose
Turns to 10
Turns to 20
Turns to...
I am a study in
Every inch of your body being a warzone
Of standing in front of a mirror
Seeing nothing but a piece of meat
Taking up too much space
I am a study in calculation
I am a study in lying
I am a study in not dead, but not alive
I am a study in starvation
I am a study in falling out of love

“Loneliness is black coffee and late-night television; solitude is herb tea and soft music. Solitude, quality solitude, is an assertion of self-worth, because only in the stillness can we hear the truth of our own unique voices