Barefoot, on the concrete porch.
Quiet smiles and loving eyes.
We were young, dumb, but not naive.
Finding solace in one another's embrace,
yearning for love, but knowing its only lust.
For a second we built a world within this lie,
quiet understanding youthful truce.
we loved for a second in time,
amidst the ordinary beauty of life's simple refrains,
you kissed me goodbye, "I'll call you later", that was a life.
We both knew, our love was ardent and fast,
a refuge from the storm of solitude.

Meet me in the middle;
   for I am a dreamer.
Contemplating fantasy into our reality;
   wishing for a future.

Wishing.
      Wishing.
           Wishing.

Dead. . .


-Hopeless Dreamer

I don't write about flying
I try not to write about love
try not to write about me
try not to write about death
try not to write about ****

I write critiques
  Yet I am down and I am out
       So I look at others for inspiration
& look in the mirror
only to see. . .

Hypocrisy,
**** A STEP DOWN FROM !Intellectualism!
   a partaker in mimetic creation in and endless state of iterability
        ! a charlatan of false truth!
             a poet for god sake!
                  a poet
                      a failure
                             yet
                                 I do not awake
                                          from this sweet dream
                                                 !please god! let me not wake!

His face obscure,
  but not hidden from your embrace,
     sweet unyielding radiant moon,
         I gaze upon your grace with jealousy,
               for I know upon your mirror,
                  he gazes in sweet reverie,
                       and the reflection he longs for,
                                is not me,
                                      but ᕼIᗰ

in the middle of my madness,
on the edge of life,
darkest of my days,
3:00 a.m. no clue whether its day or night,
clinging to your photos , sobbing, pleading, snorting, pretending to live my life.
I took back my life,
I started accepting that you are gone,
no words, no moments, no tears
will bring you back. . .
I needed to stop dwelling,
for as I spiral out of control,
I can choose when to stop,
I can choose when to change,
I can choose sadness or happiness,
I call the shots,
they are my own,
there's no point in meeting again,
you are gone. . . I am here. . .
your memories are here. . .
I am strong,
   I cry,
       I loved,
I will learn to love again,
for the destination I choose to find, is not where I hope to meet.
I am here. . . I choose to live. . .

This orchestra within my heart,
its constant hum, it takes over my soul.
Each string that is strung, each swing of the bow,
a reminder of the lost thats lost, and this yearning.

I yearn to see your face, your eyes,
I could have done more for you,
I could have re-done that moment,
I could have, I could have, I could have,
Please, stop this endless whisper in my heart.
I could have done more, I could have been more,
I could have loved more, I could have, I could have, I could have.
End it all, please, end this damnation,
For me to meet you once more.

Heart, beloved, yes; we know each other you and I.
How far we drifted, like light in a turbulent sea.
like the vanished rain, in dry desert heat.
Blood pumps like ardent angry flames,
𝚝𝚑𝚞𝚖𝚙. 𝚝𝚑𝚞𝚖𝚙. 𝚝𝚑𝚞𝚖𝚙.
vast silence broken by the catastrophe.
Heart; bites and pieces of forgotten matter.
In my endless fall into widowed sadness,
I forgot to love, I forgot to live, I forgot to shine.
Whoever looks at us know,
will see a broken man, with a broken heart.
Heart, hold me, forgive me, beat once more.
I want to feel the warm, sun rays of honey,
    I want to shine bright for me and you,
        I want to be. . . ᗩᒪIᐯE. . .

The smell of salt and butter
    under endless sea of lights,
       lost in their own right
         under the sound
           of a movie about true love,
two hands meet in the darkness,
      What is this sharpness in my heart?
         Please take it for a second,
                  help me ƒì× ìէ
.

My heart drifting in your longing,
yearning for my time to come around, to meet deaths cold sweet embrace.

I miss you.

Let me tell you
   About a little boy
      who played house. .
         baked cookies
           dreamed of a family
              while wearing a dress. . .
Let me tell you
      About a little boy
         who ran
           from a group of boys
             blood splatted clothes
               while wearing a dress. . .
Let me tell you
         about a little boy
           who at 5
             said " I don't want to live anymore"
                holding himself at night
                  while wearing a dress. . .

This world is cruel,
   we crave love,
      we crave compassion
         only to find indifference.

That little boy was me.

We are born
    to misery
To love, to lose, and to die.
      That is life. . .
          

-Interesting

Written words,
can not describe everything I do for you.
I write
I write
I write
For you
Thousands of similes, hundreds of metaphors,
smells, sounds, emotions, feelings.
Yet no words can describe why I write for you.
Ironic right.

I have nothing left,
neither your touch, nor your lips,
just the echo in my heart; hollow anguish within me.
That is where your presence is,
that is where your presence lives,
  inside my broken clinging soul,
    and this insistence of writing about you,
        is to hear your sound, feel your heat,
             because it hurts, loving you, i̶t̶ ̶h̶u̶r̶t̶s̶.

Did I invent love?
Or, is he the one who invented this love?
Why am I tormented by manufacturing this torment?
   This anguish, this pain, this love; which grows.
If we are made in his image,
   why do I suffer this heartbreak?
If he is loving and true,
   why does he not free me from your spell?
            - It hurts

I am jealous of his laugh; that rings in my soul
and condemns me day & night,
it torments my dying mind,
like a comet in the sky,
amongst the beautiful stars,
it glows from afar,
as I continue to rot on the ground.
I am jealous of his laugh,
jealous I am not enough,
   jealous I am not him. . .

Just a pinch to plump,
Just a pinch to get rid of the lines,
Just a pinch to shrink the neckline,
Just a pinch to lose the weight,

Just some pain to reshape,
Just some pain to change,
Just some pain to become who I am,

I don't know how to feel,
   knowing I'm sad again in this mirror,
          Just some more cuts,
                    Just some more pain,
What can go wrong? As I run from myself,
      Only to see him in the mirror everyday. . . .

I think I killed a man today,
For he would not look at me in anyway,
Smiled over him as his soul left his eyes, licked his blood and savored his rejection.
Self-indulgence was my justification, the achievement of vanity was my motive.

Breath left his glorified ruby red lips, hazel green eyes pleaded to the dark abyss which was my soul.
How beautiful a moment I had created, was he proud of such a love filled death?
I loved him, loved him I did.
But he mocked my emotions, laughed at my devotion.
He trampled my passion, lust and infatuation.
Hopefully he burns in damnation.

I killed the man today, and I'll stand over his grave.
I'll watch and laugh at him all day.
My soul won't weep or shed a tear.

You left me lying,
    on a patch of grass,
       like a cow grazing naked, dead , violated.
but in that moment,
   you freed me of fear,
        you made me strong,
            needing nothing to hold myself up.
                free of gravity, free of chains
                  In that moment you taught me to believe in "me"


ironic the lessons we learn.

To my bright heart.

i'm sorry,
for the way i let you linger,
in solitude,
of their indifference.

sorry for the nights,
i ignored your cries,
chasing circles,
like I always do,
of unreturned affection.

forgive me,
for handing your warmth,
to hands that broke it.

i should have loved you better,
i'll take this pain and turn it into something better
for both of us, i promise
I'm loving me. . .
this time and forever.

That awkward silence;
   of seeing them with someone else.

Memories rushing seem so long ago,
    Santa Monica sand,
       Churros on the pier,
          Zion's trails.
             Happiness. . .
"Hello". . .
Introductions. .
Small talk. . .

     "Oh I am happy for you";
If only I didn't lie.

-Lie

Found myself swaying to your tune,
   smiling at me, under the 6 a.m. ardent light. . .

Tell me I am crazy,
    & I'll say its for you. . .

The smell of coffee in the air,
   fresh paint, picket fences and hardly mowed lawn.

Drift, my head gently into you,
  I just want to keep swaying to this tune. . .

Glass break,
   a photo of me and you. . .
         an altar a cruel reminder.
             I found myself swaying . . . alone. . .

- Life's cruel lies

I remember the tears,
I remember the hurt,
I remember the fear
There was no food, no money, just yells of desperation.
Life was mundane, or maybe it was the hunger?
I vowed, I would never suffer , cry or go hungry that day.
& yet I did all three this week, its ironic.
You can have everything in the world , everything you dreamed.
Everything you wanted. . . but still feel so powerless,
life is a roller coaster, we are its occupants.
I will vow again, but that will just be lying.

She had given up
     Danced through the night
                   In a bubble in limbo
                      She hit such a low
                         Yet, through exuberant eyes
                              Shrouded in mystery
                                   He broke down her wall
                                       when she had given up the fight
                                         black hair turns to gray
                                            Yet, through exuberant eyes
                                                            ­  of absolute anguish
                                                         ­          her teams stream her soul
                                                            ­                                   for all to see
for he broke down her wall
the stream flows
she sinks slowly down
covered hearts in kisses disappear
into a broken heart

given into despair
she dances through the night
in limbo once more

praying until they meet again. . .

when he asks
   to still be friends
      remember the strong take pity on the weak,
        the lion hunts the prey,
            if the lion bites,
                it will bite again.
- ㄥ𝒾σ𝓝

Little Brown Red Bird,
Grow your wings soar far away,
In to solitude.

Little girl
   In this world
     You only live to serve. .  .

- it may never change-

You have such a bright mind,
     to live among such ignorant fool..

Our love a vibrant tapestry of love and whispered promises,
painted black, consumed by the anguish in my heart.
this dull ache that blooms in my chest,
that rips and cracks at my ribs,
the truth, pushes my facade.
I am not okay, those instagram photos, its not me, thats not okay.
But there is not a world where we don't collide,
where our souls diverge,
the truth, reverberates through this longing soul,
you're better without me,
don't stay, don't fight it, run, take your things. . .
I'll be okay, I'll love you forever,
that is why I am giving up this fight,
let there be one fool in a broken love. . . so please live.

I have written thousands of poems,
30,000 thousand words and counting.

A quilt of memories both mine and yours,
   quatrains and couplets amongst swaying palm trees.


I wrote about anger, I wrote about hate,
   I wrote about death, I wrote about love,
       I wrote about lust, I wrote about you.

I drew maps in the stars,
   and my words became waves of emotion plunging
     me ever deeper into insanity.

But the words yet left unwritten,
    can not be created or describe,
       each day l̶i̶v̶i̶n̶g̶ ̶w̶i̶t̶h̶o̶u̶t̶ ̶y̶o̶u̶

If you'd like I'll stay until our death,
From the bees and rays of honey that ooze from the sun,
Under the cold dead branches cradled under winter stars.
I will always be with you, my love,
so love me a little more. . .

When I was young I prayed for love. . .
    Martini filled nights under deceitful stars. . .
        Lost myself night after night to a strangers touch.
lived for the night. . .
      Thought I was living life. . .

Time does not stop,
    nor does it forgive,
          age took its toll and now I am forever alone.
                . . .   I looked for love in the wrong places  . . .
                                        If only I knew. . .
-Looking for love-

The saddest thing in this world,
   is constantly being used by him,
       and continuing to play the game, you are going to l̶o̶s̶e̶.

Let me trace your body
     more than air,
            more than water,
                  beauty that is divine
the day is leaving
       night is to come

time becomes a figuration,
   an ornament of a mesmerized fool,
         hypnotized,
           forever lost in your thought

stroke of madness at my pillars,
  the dark blue sea that fills your eyes,
      break me to the very essence of my weak core
          you see through my impetuous being.

Words, words, they are just words
   but they change the very of aura of my spirit.
      clawing, at the soft bark,
           the rip down my pillars,
                 bring down my wall,
                     your sea rough , tumultuous, unyielding.

I wish I had a million balloons,
to tie and lift me higher,
      and rise above it all
            but your in your ocean,
                 I love myself,
                     drown,
                         fall
                          &
               I call it
                          l̶o̶v̶e̶

The breaking of day,
   your sweaty hand,
        and warm embrace,
           no ***, no words, no sound,
                 just two souls cojoined for a moment in time.  
                              its l̶o̶v̶e̶

Time and time again, we all know the tale of the "endless sea of love".
little church bells in the air, wearing blue and white for purity!
Only to walk down the aisle in silence of . . .
. . .Our shame. . .
Stand at the alter , face to face, under the white archway.
Only to say "I do" without love. . .

-Love

The sounds of his sleep-filled snores, a polyrhythm.
To the echoes in my aching hollowed chest,
His eyelashes, beautiful, but a constant reminder,
Of what was loved, lost, and still in the back of my mind.
In this anguish of the sleepless nights.

He tosses and turns, in his slumberous shifts, his hand seeks mine.
Comfort and warmth, instinct, but not delight.
In his touch, my stomach churns in disgust, at myself.
I yearn for your touch, I yearn for your warmth,
Your embrace, that seeks solace against my body, which is burning alive.

This cruel irony, he loves me so.
This closeness, this warmth,
whispered lies of "I love you"
eyes that trace the ceiling, each imperfection, a reminder of this imperfect life.
Each creak, of this house, of words unsaid.
Each snore, a measure of my acting in this trance,
Unbind me from this torture, unbind me from your love.
I miss you so , I miss you so, please set me free
so I can love again.

"why don't you date?"
we made a pact,
   when we said I do,
I promised to be there,
   even when he's not here,
          I'll always be there,
                  even in death. . .
-l̶o̶y̶a̶l̶t̶y̶

No sabia de ternura,
            ni de abrazos,
                ni de besos,
                    eso mi enseñó mama
                         y mi dijo que uno nunca tiene que llorar

y con eso la luz se pierde
ya no supe amar.

You slept again with that unknown man,
I sniff your clothes, freezing my cheeks sending a nervous shudder,
Radiant exuberance rushes through every cell, as my mind enters a ****** state of pleasure and Benzedrine.
Fire ignites from within every hole, I cry out for my thoughts are their own, and they are spinning on the floor.

I look to the sky and say "forgive me father" as I enter this state of perfect purgatory.
Breaking down crying naked I shriek with delight.
Burning a cigarette hole in my arm I let the supernatural ecstasy encompass me, as Imagine his fiery eyes.

I want to pleasure him, I want him to rip my limbs.
Sit on my ***, and worship his soul.
Feel the feeling as he lifts your legs to his waist,
as he chokes you out of consciousness, forcing you to imagine my reaction.
The feeling of having him inside you as he fills you with pain, pleasure and joy.

For you think you cheated,
and got away,
but in reality I was always really gay.

Individualization
                              is praised
                                         instagrammers become the plato of the day
                               But did you ever see yourself
for you are just meat like me.


When did we lose sight of importance.

Are your proud of who I am?
Or are you rolling in your grave ashamed.
You were the pillar that held up my walls,
and answered all of my calls.

I never hurt so bad, so when did I ever lower my guard?
My dreams, my aspirations, my goals, my life revolved around you.
Always with a smile, I was a fool that never grew,
because you were the pillar who took all life threw.  

How much abuse did you endure? It must have been stressful, I'm sure.
I'm sorry my lover, I could have done more, if only I knew.
Not a day goes by that I'd rather be asleep than awake, so that I won’t have to relive all my mistakes.

Eventually your walls toppled over, so did my heart.
With the blink of the eye, your ardent flame came to an end.
I’m sorry my lover, if only I knew, I would beg god for more time.

So please tell me that you are not ashamed,
Send me a sign, that I have grown and became great!
That I am no longer the same and have changed!

Tell me my lover, for I am starting to think Ive grown but insane.
Am I everything you wished for?
Or your greatest mistake?

Forgive me lover,
For deep down I know I was the greatest mistake.

Did you get home last night?
  " I spent the night at her house"
                  - m̶o̶d̶e̶r̶n̶ ̶h̶e̶a̶r̶t̶b̶r̶e̶a̶k̶