The scars on my hands,
remind me of each scratch,
strangers, dates, fear, anxiety, leads to scratch.

The scars on my hands,
remind me of the itching that stopped,
when you held them and said "stop"

Tattoo & regrets,
laughs, throw up, drinks, oh sweet memories.
Of when we we're young and in love.

Weight gains and wrinkles,
anxiety, fear, longing
leads to new scars on each hand.

Arguements and cheating,
tears, anger, violence,
three becomes two, just me and the dog.

Time does not forgive,
happiness is not eternal,
memories replay and replay, what could I have done differently?
Tell me to "stop" please stop this itch, stop these scars from forming.
As I long until we meet again in another life. . .

-𝐿𝑜𝓃𝑔𝒾𝓃𝑔

"Because you are getting fat"
I don't believe in you, but I adore you.
I used to be happy, I used to be confident.
But then I met you. I know that I choose and live this life.
But I am weak around you, so I implore you,
Be kind, Be genuine, Be nice. .
For I lose my strength, poor me, I am a fool.
A lost stupid fool.

Just a pinch to plump,
Just a pinch to get rid of the lines,
Just a pinch to shrink the neckline,
Just a pinch to lose the weight,

Just some pain to reshape,
Just some pain to change,
Just some pain to become who I am,

I don't know how to feel,
   knowing I'm sad again in this mirror,
          Just some more cuts,
                    Just some more pain,
What can go wrong? As I run from myself,
      Only to see him in the mirror everyday. . . .

I am dying strangely, love does not **** me.
My heart is still beating, death does not yet visit me.
I am dying of these memories, a would of longing.
Do you feel my pain?
This memory, that has rooted itself in my soul.
It ***** away all happiness & sadness, why does it not bloom?
This memory of you I can not erase,
Time does not forgive , I lost myself more and more in your old embrace.

The innumerable ties, that you gave me.
The childish tricks, that you deceived me.
I'd rather be dead, then forgotten.

Our love is made of unspoken silence,
Closed lips that age and ripen,
inside our broken heart.
Our heart which weeps the soul,
agonizing, arduous, still. .  
why, do we keep it in,
only to sustain this anguish,
hundreds of words , to three, to silence.

Remember, the cold desert breeze.
The strange silence  after the cicada's song has gone to sleep.
Bare concrete floors, a broken down door.
An old computer desk with D+J carved into the wood.
Beat up old bed, with a lone gaga poster on the wall.
How, we thought we were "different",
When you'd tell me on the phone, "its going to be okay, I'll run away with you".
I dreamed of a warm home, now I have three.
I dreamed of a car, now I have four.
I dreamed of money, now I have too much to count.
I was cold,
                Hungry,
                          Angry,
But at least I had you.
from diapers until 23. . . we were always together . .
Almost a decade later and I wonder if you are still up there
gazing at me.
    If you are proud of who I became.

I'm sorry for saying I love you. . .
Can we go back to yesterday,
when we were best friends?

If I smiled more the first night,
If I laughed at your joke on the third birthday party we celebrated,
If I tried harder.
each night is the same,
a different memory, a different critique If . .
What could be different?
Where is the fault?
If I changed that minute detail.

Would you have stayed ꨄ

Moonlight, you which gazes down on me . . .mockingly.
I see your light, I see your smile, I see your mockery.
I kick, scream, reach , plead , gasp for air,
in this ocean of regret, age, and despair.
"Let me be free", "Let me escape"
But this is no fairy tail, this is life.
From a child who cried when they could not finish the lunch their mother worked so hard to buy.
To a man, who's shackles of love, family, devotion and pride only pull me down deeper, deeper, deeper into my own excruciating extremities.  

What are these feelings of longing, of fear, of despair, that have yet to occur?Why do they hold me?
What is this anxiety?
Dear heart, please change your pulse only for me,
let me be free, let me forget all their faces, let me be me. . .
I plead, I plead and I plead. . .
No one is listening, Nobody cares. . .
Only the moon which gazes upon me notices, but only to mock me. .

The peach tree died today,
dried from inside,
there is no butterflies, no bees, no birds that feast.
lie to me & tell me its okay.
Invent a story or two,
tell me the tap broke, tell me you fell asleep.
Just don't speak the unspoken truth, that you were busy with them.
As I was away dreaming of our future white picket fence. . .

Written words,
can not describe everything I do for you.
I write
I write
I write
For you
Thousands of similes, hundreds of metaphors,
smells, sounds, emotions, feelings.
Yet no words can describe why I write for you.
Ironic right.

I hold myself at night,
“I do”. . .  distant echoes, awake at night at your side.
The smell of linen, your snores so distant and yet so close.
I hate myself for dreaming. . .
Of someone coming to dance with me,
Even though they hate dancing only because
it's with me and no one else.
I hate myself for dreaming. . .
Knowing it's not you,
“I do” distant echoes, young lovers. . .
Formerly in love

Raindrops on my sea,
Let me float amongst his arms,
Deaths sweet lullaby

Amongst the tattered cathedral,
weathered chipped stone facade, scared by time.
Spires reach skyward like ancient fingers around me,
On my knee's at the pew,
I pray to god,
Pray for love,
Pray for an ear,
Pray for someone to just listen. .
Take me in your tattered fingers,
Pull me from the nightmare of my mind, save me from this weakness.
Longing to drown, only to breathe.
Longing to swim, only to sink.
Longing to fall, only to fly.
dull frescoes of angels, corrupted by cobwebs judge me.
There is no sound, only the hushed reverence unspoken.
Under lofty arches, my pleas are but echoes of weakness,
longing to die, but afraid of death.

The open window, a temptation for wings.
Sweet angel seduced by the purest nectar of the stars,
Your arms two cocoons of wings,
The gravel, the weeds, the cricket that sings all mark the path,
"Flee, Flee, Don't ever look back"
Yet your pour the smooth liquor in your glass,
one,two,three,five,ten it never ends. . .
The smell of cigars and upholstered leather, cling to the horror of the solitude as you take your last breath. .
All you are remembered for is "he was just a drunk"

Imagine the sky turns red,
Imagine the palm trees in flames,
Imagine the desert turns to ice,
Imagine the night never comes,
Imagine stars do not dazzle and grow bright,
Imagine, the world comes to and end,
Imagine, our hands intertwined,
   as we stare into one another's eyes,
         as we clutch one another, would it matter?
                  as we take our last breath, would I be enough?
It would not matter, for it would never come to be.
For, this is just a dream, of my imagination.

An abandoned fire loses its spark,
The warbler in love sings its song,
Only to find silence, please come back to me. . .

There is no shame in saying " I love you"
   Only heartbroken mornings,
              when there is no reply. . .

Sweet musky scents,
Tingle my red runny nose from the cool desert air.
   Two tattered pairs of converse high tops intertwined,
       feet on the dash of your rust bucket.
          Lana on the speakers, the smell of **** and cologne,
              so close and so far,
                 we were two lines never meant to intersect.
cruel fate,
    cruel memories,
         I will always love you, yet you can not say the same. . .

--------------------->
--------------------->

we are parallel lines, never meant to intersect,
     longing, hoping, to meet in another life.

Eyes that meet as we pass one another,
only our footsteps on the concrete,
silent. . . strangers. . .
Yet an ardent eruption of feelings,
A smoke filled aging bar,
two bodies sweat filled, two souls became one.
Don't ask more of me. . .
for you already know the answer. . .
our time has passed, until we meet in another life. . .
my dear old flame.

In the vast expanse of space We found each other’s embrace Our love, a shining star Guiding us from afar

We dance among the constellations Our hearts beating in syncopation The universe, our playground Our love, forever profound

We gaze at the Milky Way Our love, a never-ending display We’ll travel the cosmos together Our love, a bond that will last forever

Love lost, heart in pain
Memories of you remain
Life will never be same

Hospital beeps turn into Adagio op.11,
As you close your eyes, hoping it masks the pain.
A white, purple-faced babe screams, covered in his mother's fluids,
flashes
A boy plays with a toy car, his mother screams, and his father punches things.
flashes
A boy meets a girl, and they fall in love, first heartbreak.
flashes
Autumn leaves of orange, red, and yellow in Hughes turn brown as they fall and decay.
flashes
You sit on the edge of your bed, holding yourself, how she held you, crying, pleading, for every moment you could have had, you did not make an effort to see your mother
flashes
your marriage falls apart, the bills pile up, and you die inside
flashes
you gaze in the mirror, and time is not kind, wrinkles stare back, your hair recedes, and you're alone, old, beaten, broken
flashes
now you lay dying contemplating your life, contemplating each word and each fight, as you pushed those you loved away
your life flashes before you, but it is too late,
time does not forgive,
it waits for no one,
and it is gone in a flash.

Learn to forgive, Learn to admit you're wrong
best of all love, hold them close and never let go.

Let my words, shoot sunbeams that find you.
Let my eyes, watch you from above,
Let my worries, melt in your arms,
Let my song, whisper "I love you"
Let my image, fill your dreams.
If only, if only it was me. . .

* something short and sweet, hope you all have a good day

You proclaim to be better!
proclaim to have overcame,
proclaim to have conquered,
but it will spit you out, chew you, stomp on you,
all over again.
my mind is a sick mind, of which there is no escape.

As summer leaves,
I watch a sweet little bird, who gives all his food.
I watch a sweet little bird, who gives all his home.
I watch a sweet little bird, hungry.
I watch a sweet little bird, tired.
I watch a sweet little bird, disheveled.
who gives and gives, until it becomes no more.
Confined in the cage called love, what a stupid bird. I think to myself.
Gone is the bird, replaced by my reflection on the window pane.
Caged forever more.

Soft hints of bergamot and cedar stain "our" sheets,
"our" morning alarm goes off,
but the weight of your arm is missing. .
I wake up with such sadness,
knowing that today, like every other day you're gone.
when you will return, I have no clue, seconds become eternity,
my love, you're leaving, you have left, you're gone.
The time has come to say goodbye,
I should be angry, I should be bitter,
I should curse your name,
yet I wish the best for you, good luck my love.

If you'd like I'll stay until our death,
From the bees and rays of honey that ooze from the sun,
Under the cold dead branches cradled under winter stars.
I will always be with you, my love,
so love me a little more. . .

What I had, is what I did not have.
Perhaps what my heart should have wanted,
each love song, a curse and blaze.
That singes and burns into my heart
I hear you, hitting me,
forging me,
into a statue forever stuck in emotional wanting.

My love,
Tongue of vitriol,
amongst ripped pages.
Amongst unaltered belief of a winged partridge
at my back beckoning my faults.
Tears that stream, like trees with broken nerves
that never touch the ground.

This is what I see in the darkened hour,
This is what I see in the mirror,
amongst the pillars of the chapel
a figment of my imagination,
I am but a pigeon amongst a sea of doves,
incapable of words, incapable of love letters like Rilke the poet.
Only capable of vitriol at the tongue
scorning love, scorning life, scorning death
yet living it. . .how ironic.

I hear your voice,
  nagging "put it back". . .
I hear your voice
  saying "it'll be okay". . .
I hear you everyday,
  am I crazed & deranged?
I just want to feel your love and see your face,
   for a moment in time,
      when you are not gone.

Wasn't eating properly,
  lost a little weight. . .
Old pictures,
  smiles on the faces. . .
***** Laundry,
  perfume on the nose. . .
Clean Sheets,
  your arm on my waist. . .
your touch+ theirs,
for in this love
   we are not 2 but 3.

I look in the mirror,
10 years passed in a breeze,
older, fatter, a wrinkle begins to form.
Youth begins to evade me,
Yet I do not feel sad nor glad,
I am simply living, okay, content with myself.
Is it not odd? Is it not strange? That I no longer care.

I smell the air, as clean as a city air can be.
I feel the pollen, with its unrelenting itch on my nose,
I hear the birds getting ready for the summer heat,
I see the lovers who always cross our street at three,
I taste the honey, that you loved in your tea.
I smile, three years in the dark,
three years blind, death, within the darkness of this world.
For you are gone, and that is okay.
For in these moments I know you stand by me.

I'll never fall in love again,
for I never knew love until I met you,
I never knew to cry,
I never knew to drink,
I never knew to long,
until I met you.
I'll never fall in love again,
for love is a disappointment,
& my greatest mistake.

You forgot,
and yet I wait.
In our home,
with the peach tree that blossoms in the spring,
the lantana that loves its sun,
and the rose that only grows stems.
longing to forget, longing to leave,
but stuck in the same place.
waiting for you.

I look at the clock,
     waiting for you to get home.
I speak,
      only to be cut off.
You look at me and sigh. . .
     You are always right. . .
So please get your things and go. . .
     my heart pleads no, but my mind knows
there is no love, no warmth
     and that's okay,
        I'll be okay. . .

Bruises turn to scars,
but memories never fade,
my soul weeps in silence for this love,
why do I stay?

Princes don't exist in my narrative,
no magic wand, no mysterious old woman.
no happily ever after ending.
My narrative is no fairy tale,

My narrative is,
you looking into my eyes,
      you touching my skin,
           6 a.m. coffee, full of tired complaints,
playing house, yells , laughs, tears and screams.
You by my side, it is no fairy tale, it is just real life
and that is alright.

Colorless time,
blank canvas without you,
only full of memory,
memory that invents you,
memory that recreates you,
in each stroke of longing.

Strokes of gray,
amongst the hills of the dying,
decrepit, silent, agony filled hills,
late train, filled with certainty,
to find you once more in the promise land.

Strokes of red,
longing for your voice,
and your ardent touch,
rosy red lips, amongst my skin.

Strokes of Black,
slow death, undeserved death
daggers on the back, from the treatment that was your "saving"
absent from your being.

Stroke of Purple,
stars, vapor clouds, constellations painted of your embrace
amongst pill induced dreams, false reality
false hope and false love,
but true longing which craves for your love again.

The breaking of day,
   your sweaty hand,
        and warm embrace,
           no ***, no words, no sound,
                 just two souls cojoined for a moment in time.  
                              its l̶o̶v̶e̶

"why do you dress up?"
my heart dropped, in that moment I knew. . .
I was not a lover, your muse or your dream.
I was your o̶b̶j̶e̶c̶t̶

Blue, iridescent hues of oceanic blue.
Green, startling twinkles of fauna,
Brown, strong mountains of emotions,
Black, losing my self in your abyss.

Such beautiful e̶y̶e̶s̶, that see me.
Within their reflections, I see myself
lost, broken, damaged, quick to fall into their spell.

Have you ever laid on the floor, as you stared at the cosmos of paranoia and depression of your creation thrusting you into damnation?
You are quick to give advice (pre-judgement),
but unless you licked the patch,
    to cover the constant itch that burns in your heart,
       you have no clue. . .
of the sea of solitude that ever wraps you, within its cursed cradle,
  the song of longing as each day passes, grows louder,
      the voices in your head that counsel you,
           the feeling of elation as the demons take you. . .
you have no clue. . .
   no ******* clue. . .
you are quick to judge. . .
      as I die living. . . in a state of constant elation.

Laying next to you at night. .
while he is on my mind. . .
Small chills across my spine,
   pull away from your embrace. . .
    as I kiss him from afar. . .  I wish I was dead. . . to find him again. . .

When you say "I love you"
   you say it to her,
           you it to them,
          so I fake this s̶m̶i̶l̶e̶. . . because its hard to say goodbye. . .
                 what a fool I am. . .