These tears are longing to fall,
And during turbulent times like these I desire a release.

I thought I was done,
But the weight of my situation continues to follow me.
As bad as I want all of this to be gone,
I know that this will not go away easily.

Money is tight.
I have to work harder than ever to stay in school,
Because now higher education and debt are synonymous,
And money is hard to find.

My relationship introduces questions like:
Why isn’t this like the last?
        Will this last?
And many other questions I shouldn’t ask right now.
During sad nights like this when I want you here…
I have to face reality that you live far away,
The reality that our schedules do not, and will not match up,
And sadly, when I need you I know you are asleep.
Is this even real?

Is this all really real?
     I was taught if you do everything right then things will be fine.
     Well, I’ve done everything right…
     I’ve dotted my I’s and crossed my T’s,
     and yet things haven't turned out fine.

All in all, my stress never takes a vacation.
No release for me.

*- j.m.

All armies are the same
Publicity is fame
Artillery makes the same old noise
Valor is an attribute of boys
Old soldiers all have tired eyes
All soldiers hear the same old lies
Dead bodies always have drawn flies

Her hands are shaking.
Trembling, trembling as the box moves closer to her reach.
Her heart is racing just as fast as she used to everyday after school when she ran from the school bullies.
Her heart is pumping blood just as her wrists do after she introduces them to a blade.
Her heart is slowly being mended just like the reconciliation of her relationship with her psychotic sister.
Her hands are shaking so bad she can't make out the outline of them in this dimly-lit room.
The candle light ricochets off the walls.
All she can think about is how he has stood beside her this whole time.
The room smells of cigarettes, which reminds her of the first time she met him.
That night at the corner liquor store where she went after her grandad died.
Trying to drown the pain by drowning herself in
pills and alcohol.
She was approached by a man who smelt of death who tried to steal her money, and if he got any further, her virginity.
Just as the man went to put his hands on her, the boy stepped up and protected her.
That trend continued for years as he protected not only her, but their love as well.
She knew she had finally found something worth loving truly for.
No more hiding who she truly was behind drugs, lies, and a noose hung ready in her closet.
She realized that he made her complete.
She'd walk to the end of the earth for him and he'd crawl with broken legs all the world around to see her.
But as the bills piled high and the eviction notices multiplied by the hundreds, they didn't know how to move on.
She turned back to the drugs and the pills as she knew she was drowning,
Drowning deeper and deeper.
Waiting to feel his hand plunge deep in the water to save her life.
And he'd do it every time.
She realized that he took her sky high with his love.
This would soon overcome all her addictions, leaving her only addicted to his love.
She could barely breathe as her hands touched the box.
By now she was surprised they hadn't fallen off from trembling,
Trembling so much.
As she opened the box, her breath rapidly started to leave her body.
She could feel herself going numb.
She couldn't speak.
As he pulled the ring from the box, her body shook more and more from excitement and shock.
He asked for her hand in marriage, and she started to cry with joy.
After they kissed he whispered, "You've always been my addiction."

indecisive, reckless. i'm losing my mind.
restless: my heart, my body…i can't control.
these thoughts - consuming me, taking me over.

my head is whispering, "breathe darling breathe."
my heart is crying, my heart is dying
my heart is sighing, "let go, let go."
restless: my soul, "baby, let go"

confused, everything misconstrued.

so used, so broken
so much complication
so much self altercation.

indecisive: my heart.
my head is shouting, "LET GO, LET GO!"
my skin is crawling, my skin is begging
my skin is pleading, "don't hurt me no more."

restless, reckless, dazed
lost in an unnatural haze.
my mind is screaming, my heart is weeping
my body is traveling on a path; indecisive.
which way will it go?
away away, as far away as it will stray.

broken and still laughing, a walking contradiction.
restless: my soul…losing control.