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Yanamari Nov 2020
I've been pushing away eating a certain fruit
It's sweet and good for my well-being but
I've been questioning whether it's worth having it
After having valued it for a while
Once I questioned its worth
The fruit vanished
And I'm struck
Do my thoughts coincide with its disappearance?
Even if they did, the questions float around in the space left by the fruit
More prominent, more dominant than the momentary sweetness that may last on my tongue
Less fleeting and more familiar than the short-lasting nutrition
And yet neither can compare or compete the other
And so all I have left is to wait
And only time will show whether these thoughts will
Become more tangible than the fruit itself
Yanamari Nov 2020
And just like the escalation of pleasure
The release of pain works based on a dual model
As I enter my only semblance of safety
The model comes into effect
I come to learn more about myself
About the way I thought I felt so much cold already
When really subconsciously there was so much more
Almost as if the insults I'd received as a teenager about being too sensitive were close to baseless
That is, compared to the emotions that swam inside me, away from the hawk-like eyes of humanity
Even if the more I learn about everything makes me more tangible
Everything becomes more intangible
And I struggle to hold on
Because even my insides seem to want to claw out
Even in the one place that has little safety
And I would open my mouth to call for more safety
But when I try to I lose my sense of safety
When I try to, anything that comes out of my mouth is displaced from me
As if my body knows that its no longer safe existing in the body that is calling for help
And I'm stuck clawing back for my body but even when my mouth shuts
My body feels hazy
My mind buzzing
And my breathing unfamiliar
My stomach unsettled
Even if I hug my pillow when I feel at a low
Its not enough
My organs clench uncomfortably
And I want to feel comfort so badly
But my subconscious is like swimming to the bottom of an ocean without oxygen
And I'm left on my own like I have all the other times that have passed, the only thing I gain is experience
And I try to gain more awareness of my surroundings but its all so cold
That I can only be numb even to my own self
I can only hear the roar of brown noise even if my heart is beating so strongly inside me

The more I pass through life, the more I learn about duality
Like developing realisations that I can reach for so much, and yet understanding more and more that I might not be able reach much at all
At some point I realised that when I was placed in situations where I felt confronted, my hands shook even if I felt nothing. Holding my hands closer to my eyes, I didn't really feel anything. Even thinking 'maybe I am actually feeling afraid right now or maybe I'm feeling hurt' or whatever, what I felt while having those thoughts was nothing, even when the tears came to my eyes and I had to hold them back, I felt nothing. And it was conflicting, still is when I realise that I'm more shaken then I realise, more hurt than I realise. Especially when you learn that your upbringing has a lot to do with whether you're more conscious of certain emotions or how those emotions play out inside of you...
Yanamari Oct 2020
I'm in two
Two of me in one body
Both for God
One for the people I chose to surround me
And one for myself
And I trust only God to see the conflict between the two
Because when I'd tried to show hints of it to people
Their response was unwelcoming and caused the divide between these two parts of me to grow
And its conflicting because
That same person gave me something
a metaphor of their own perception of me -
It doesn't sit right with me
Doesn't look right where I've hung it on my wall
Doesn't look right in its original form or
In the form I redesigned for it
It looks beautiful either way
But its intent(?) doesn't sit right with me
To the point where unity becomes even harder for me to achieve
This is probably more thoughts and journalling than poetry
Yanamari Oct 2020
Flames hungrily licking
Off of twisted ornaments
All of that which I'd bought from you
Paid every coin
Desired with heart and mind
Burnt to ashes
Nothing left in this room
But grey ash and my hardened eyes
There's no space left in my room
All is burnt, the cremated contents to be removed
The me of then to be removed
All that remains, glaring into my soul
Is the warning of my past
Passing on the message through her eyes

Even if she was none the wiser
Even if she shone brighter than ever
Even if her warmth contrasts her intent
I see her and she sees me
Words passed through soul,
Soul still living,
And there is only one soul that I know
Only one soul that keeps pulling me forward
Even if by nothing but the breath that passes my lips;
No thread for my fingers to grasp onto-
Fiery eyes
For the fire has died
But my gaze passes its heat into the soles of my feet,
Guiding me as I live on
Ref: "He looks like he needs a hug" ADfMAXsBI
Yanamari Oct 2020
And some strings feel more beautiful
Under a night sky
Just like some strings feel more beautiful
Reflecting the sun's rays
So that when the sun passes through the sky
And the earth continues on its path
The string loses its beauty
And it is still beautiful
But to the passing of time,
And under a different light
The string almost dances a different tune,
Even if really, a string never changes when untouched.
And if the time has passed
And beauty fades away
Should one part ways
With a string that once shone warm and peaceful
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, strings in the hand of the owner, value in the heart of each person; differing between each soul.
Yanamari Oct 2020
Strings interwoven
Surrounding me
Spacious yet brushing
Against my torso and thighs
Suspended on spun strands years old
I can only
Gently glide my finger tips
Along strings floating by
I cannot hate
Only hurt
An unconditional detachment towards
The way they surround me
I am careful not to cut the intricate plaits, even if I have subconsciously done and continue to do so
For a cut in the lines that hold together
My reality are delicate,
Best understood when each small length is given its value and attention
But I worry;
If my world is strung
Then a lifetime may not be enough
To untwist each weave
To its barest of selfs
And then twist together
A new piece that surrounds me
Warmly and peacefully
Yanamari Oct 2020
It all makes sense
Sense that I knew but
Never really delved into
My staying up at night
My hollow heart
And my lonesome
It all makes sense
Almost as if to rub it in my face
And maybe its too much
The way it all fits together
The way it makes me me
The way I know I don't want it but I can't find it in me to care
And I'm sat latching onto the little warmth I feel in this cold
It was supposed to be warm, but what is supposed to be?
And it hurts that the more realisations I have, the more I realise that maybe
There are things in the world that
I can never have
I would want want want, but I wouldn't find it within me
What am I supposed to be
To do

I'm trying but what point is there in trying if the end result is the same
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