And just like the escalation of pleasure
The release of pain works based on a dual model
As I enter my only semblance of safety
The model comes into effect
I come to learn more about myself
About the way I thought I felt so much cold already
When really subconsciously there was so much more
Almost as if the insults I'd received as a teenager about being too sensitive were close to baseless
That is, compared to the emotions that swam inside me, away from the hawk-like eyes of humanity
Even if the more I learn about everything makes me more tangible
Everything becomes more intangible
And I struggle to hold on
Because even my insides seem to want to claw out
Even in the one place that has little safety
And I would open my mouth to call for more safety
But when I try to I lose my sense of safety
When I try to, anything that comes out of my mouth is displaced from me
As if my body knows that its no longer safe existing in the body that is calling for help
And I'm stuck clawing back for my body but even when my mouth shuts
My body feels hazy
My mind buzzing
And my breathing unfamiliar
My stomach unsettled
Even if I hug my pillow when I feel at a low
Its not enough
My organs clench uncomfortably
And I want to feel comfort so badly
But my subconscious is like swimming to the bottom of an ocean without oxygen
And I'm left on my own like I have all the other times that have passed, the only thing I gain is experience
And I try to gain more awareness of my surroundings but its all so cold
That I can only be numb even to my own self
I can only hear the roar of brown noise even if my heart is beating so strongly inside me

The more I pass through life, the more I learn about duality
Like developing realisations that I can reach for so much, and yet understanding more and more that I might not be able reach much at all

Flames hungrily licking
Feeding
Off of twisted ornaments
Creations
Objects
Furniture
All of that which I'd bought from you
Paid every coin
Desired with heart and mind
Gone
Burnt to ashes
Nothing left in this room
But grey ash and my hardened eyes
There's no space left in my room
All is burnt, the cremated contents to be removed
The me of then to be removed
All that remains, glaring into my soul
Is the warning of my past
Passing on the message through her eyes

Even if she was none the wiser
Even if she shone brighter than ever
Even if her warmth contrasts her intent
I see her and she sees me
Words passed through soul,
Soul still living,
And there is only one soul that I know
Only one soul that keeps pulling me forward
Even if by nothing but the breath that passes my lips;
No thread for my fingers to grasp onto-
Fiery eyes
For the fire has died
But my gaze passes its heat into the soles of my feet,
Guiding me as I live on

And some strings feel more beautiful
Under a night sky
Just like some strings feel more beautiful
Reflecting the sun's rays
So that when the sun passes through the sky
And the earth continues on its path
The string loses its beauty
And it is still beautiful
But to the passing of time,
And under a different light
The string almost dances a different tune,
Even if really, a string never changes when untouched.
And if the time has passed
And beauty fades away
Should one part ways
With a string that once shone warm and peaceful

Strings interwoven
Surrounding me
Spacious yet brushing
Against my torso and thighs
Suspended on spun strands years old
I can only
Gently glide my finger tips
Along strings floating by
I cannot hate
Only hurt
An unconditional detachment towards
The way they surround me
I am careful not to cut the intricate plaits, even if I have subconsciously done and continue to do so
For a cut in the lines that hold together
My reality are delicate,
Best understood when each small length is given its value and attention
But I worry;
If my world is strung
Then a lifetime may not be enough
To untwist each weave
To its barest of selfs
And then twist together
A new piece that surrounds me
Warmly and peacefully

It all makes sense
Sense that I knew but
Never really delved into
My staying up at night
My hollow heart
And my lonesome
It all makes sense
Almost as if to rub it in my face
And maybe its too much
The way it all fits together
The way it makes me me
The way I know I don't want it but I can't find it in me to care
And I'm sat latching onto the little warmth I feel in this cold
It was supposed to be warm, but what is supposed to be?
And it hurts that the more realisations I have, the more I realise that maybe
There are things in the world that
I can never have
I would want want want, but I wouldn't find it within me
What am I supposed to be
To do





I'm trying but what point is there in trying if the end result is the same

I only want wings when the winds are strong
I only feel cold when the turmoil in my mind and heart are overwhelming
I only lay in the non-newtonian black substance so that I don't have to
Deal with everything
I'm sick of these beliefs that remain rooted in my mind
So deeply rooted they've upheaved whatever parts that used to rest in my heart,
Wasted away any comfort my heart had left in it

And maybe I'd want wings to see the skies
And feel the cold because I genuinely miss it's sensation
And lay in non-newtonian substances to explore the feeling of it
But I question where the drive of my curiousity left to;
If it had escaped before it was forcibly ripped from my heart or
If it decayed and it's rot continues to fester in my heart

These feelings of mine I want to respect...
How do you respect the body you only know how to leave

I stand facing my reflection
Gaze acting as a barrier
I would reach forward to reach you
But I hesitate lest you withdraw from my touch
My heart clenched and my eyes hold back
And if I could comfort you, if the warmth of my heart could reach you
We would be one
And yet whisps and words trace their fingers along my mind
Humming a tune my mind and heart fall into step with uneasily
And she strokes my face to will my heart and mind out of the tune
But the tune is continuous, seeded and unwavering