Dear Weary Soul

Dear weary soul
I hope you know
That my arms are open
Whenever you decide to come back home.
Though you wander and you leave
I'll be the shade to aid your eyes when the sun makes you too blind to see.
Even when you feel like your drowning
You never really sink
I'll hold your head above water until your legs can kick.

There is a love
But it's buried
There is a hope pushed too far down for you to know.
But when you lift your chin from your chest you'll see

I'm still here waiting.

Dear lonely soul
I know it feels like forever
Since you've felt alive
I'll breathe into your lungs for you
And be the air under your arms
Until you learn to fly.
I'll be that goodnight kiss
When you cry yourself to sleep
And I'll be the hand the pulls you out
When you've dug yourself too deep.

Why so downcast oh my soul?

Just tell me you won't go.
Promise me that you won't let go.
That I'm still the apple of your eye
Even when I only pray
For the strength to die.

Oh empty soul
I can tell you it gets better
But I know you still aren't there.
But you aren't just stuck inside an empty body
But I know each scar inside and out and I counted every hair.
Won't you run away with me?
Won't you trust in me?
Why can't you seem to leap
Close your eyes and breath deep,
Let go and fall.
Let go and fall.

You are not a ghost.
You are never alone.
No bag of bones with a spirit,
But a vessel for your soul.

Hold on to me
You're all I have

Ive been choking
On all the words I've had to eat.
Dining on each failed attempt at perfection
And still haven't gotten to the meat.
Will I just repeat, repeat?
Will I sit in the same seat and accept I'm
Meant to turn cheeks
Until the back hand that beats me decided to cease?

I haven't known true love
Unless love is walking out and burning bridges, the very bridges that can bring me back to town.
My growing understanding of life
leaves me with more questions than answers and my dearest wisdom, is to admit that I'm weak.
Idle peace talk cuts deep.
When I know it's not what you mean.
Bowing out gracefully.
But where was that grace for me?


Been Suffocating in my sleep
I'm drowning in my dreams
Let me think this was me
When I woke up your hands were choking me.


I can't make sense of the bitterness and spite of those who have taken my mistakes and used them as a way to use my back to rest their knives.
I lost my fire to a passing wind and left my ghost in the shell of my passion. If I should find it again, I must ask then:
What do I do with the remnants of broken glass when I've held on so long my hands have gone numb? I stared through at my clear path and couldn't see the blood dripping from my hands.
So while I sleep I'll let your love slip your vines around me. Take me to the garden,
Bound my hands and tie me to this great tree, this great tree that was once just a ****.
I fell so fast but you weren't the branch that saved me, but instead you broke my fall and set me free.

Suffocating in my sleep
I'm drowning my dreams.
Lost the strength to breathe.
Fingers crossed this is the death of me.


So where are we when all you speak is a prerecorded message stuck on repeat?
Once you wake from your dreams will you see that you've burned the very bridge beneath your feet? My heart longs for love but the love you hold is like that of a vase.
Once a flower begins to wither, you cut it out and have it replaced.
Here's a toast to the lives you'll save.
A toast to all the things you chase.
Here's a toast to image you embrace
And to the God you've grown to dismiss and show distaste.
Here's to the end of me.
Here's to your dreams.

I was seduced by emptiness and void because I was afraid to be whole.

If we find true love's soul in the next life
When it's time to unite.
I'll go untwined
I'll still be lonely

I've tried to talk to god but i think He stopped listening.
The same way I feel I tried to talk to my father but he already decided he was leaving.
So where do I go when my two fathers don't bother while I'm drowning in white water waiting for rescuing. Waiting for your hands to pick this boy up and say "son, I'm never leaving, never leaving again"
Father did you kiss me good night each night before you left to kiss your lover goodbye? Did you care if it was kind? Did you know the broken mess you'd leave behind?
My god is like my divorced father because I only talk to him on Sunday. After days of feeling ignored like a buey in the waves. My earliest memories of crawling into bed with you to keep warm and feel safe. Those memories are over two decades old and they still won't fade.
I remember my laughter every time I sat on your lap and you're tickle bug bit me till I thought my lungs would collapse, until I thought "this can last for ever" but that didn't happen.
You left a wife, a son, and a teenage daughter and left us all feeling like you'd never want us. Do you miss it at all?
Do you miss the snowball fights and cuddling your little boy to sleep at night?
My only memories of you and I are ones I tried to pull back because they make me wanna cry. Was the mistake your infidelity or was it me? Because you chose one and I believe it wasn't me. You were my king.
You left me to rule my life with this disease. A fear of abandonment and intimacy. And now how am I supposed to love? I can't see the forest through the trees, but maybe im blind so I can't see, anything. How could you do this to me?
Was my love, my smile, myself not enough? You had to take my heart too and break it along with all your old stuff.
I may never let go of my angry heart because even when I try to talk to God I wonder if His lover calls.
Will I ever be enough?
So when I say I can't love it's the fear you instilled in me. Like a needle shot into my arm to swim in my blood, I wish your love would swim in me. Definitely, intimately, swim with me. Infinitely.
Because I never learned to swim and I'm drowning saying Father save me. But night after night for twenty years slowly my childhood fears come to life.
Blood from our backs on the tip of your knife, dad why?
Why couldn't you turn around and lay back with your wife?

You're never coming home are you? No. You're never coming home.
You say you're just a stones throw
Well how do you know?
We don't know how far my tiny arms can throw,
What we know is I am prone to be alone
With mountains of sticks and stones
Laid on top of my broken bones.
And these words hurt me
"We are a broken home,"
And I'm just afraid to be alone.

We gave you our love
And you took it out of our home.
We gave you our hearts
And you away you drove.
I gave you my love.
You never got it in your head.
I gave you my heart
And you took it into her bed.

Dear dad, these demons, they're haunting me

If believed enough so that I could cross the Red Sea
Even still i wouldn't realize a dream.
Even then I'd still be empty.
Smashed into mustard dust barely reminiscent of a mustard seed
I fall apart and as my limbs fall off and I bleed,
I'm not sure what love I need.
Maybe if I cut my skin wide enough to see what I'm made of so when the blood empties and I fail to breathe I'll finally know the peace I seek.
So don't try to save me dear friend because this life raft I was forced onto is just tossed around by each wave that comes my way, while the ship that contains my love, my loss, and my desire and dreams sails away, and my skin burns more and more with each passing day.
My home is still where my heart is but I'd much rather be heartless. I'd rather have a knife stay in my back and be used as a moving target. I'd rather never live another dream because they'll never get as large as ours get.
Do you want me now?
Could you love me now,
Now that I'm alone?
Thank you for giving my life purpose for that short of a time and thank you for at least being fake enough for me to not feel I had something to hide. And the slap on the face cut me deep but it's a scar I can wear With pride. I've got nothing left, and nothing left to hide.

Could you see my light and see my  face the same way you now see yours and mine has now dulled and flickered away.
From a tremendous flame to a firefly slowly blinking his flame, his last days.
Are we all destined to live amongst the monsters that feed upon the weak and live amongst the night? Are we all destined for this same black or am I alone without a match to spark a final light? Was I always destined to be left out to sort my damage alone in the cold.
That's how it feels as I'd rather know death because this cold is thicker than winter and I see my own breath.
So how can I wander when I know not which way Is right and left.

Catch me as I tumble down.
You didn't reach out.
Not even after the wave crashed over me and the ocean floor stopped my fall.
I guess that's the closest thing to love I have after all.
Did you watch me climb just to watch my collapse?
I'll hold my breath under water and wait for more bodies to plummet and fall.
Misery loves company after all.
Maybe it's best if I rip out my finger nails and teeth and dig myself a shallow, salty grave underneath.
That way the world will have its excuse as to way they never came to visit me.
Do you want me now?
Could you love me now?
We all just fall to pieces and fade away

Who are you
O robber of my softened heart?
Be still and know
You've got me paralyzed with love
From head to toe.
Once so solid, if I sought to swim
My heart would sink my chest like a heavy stone.
I'm waiting to wake in a cage.
I'm waiting to awake.
The way I hear you breath with my head against your chest.
Our lungs in perfect symmetry.
Set me on fire so I'll know if I'm dreaming.
I want to stop breathing.
If I died I'd know this unfamiliar feeling,
To be true or another temporary peace,
An eye of the storm my life remains until complete.
Bring my closer to complete.

I'm waiting to feel the fingers that hold my heart
Tighten their grip as the rip every makeshift stitch.
And I'll bleed out knowing it was always your hands, the cleanest hands, the most patient, truest hands, pure down to the sweat glands.

Just wake me up, this can't be real.
It's never been real, it's never real.
Cut me now so I can start to heal.
Sow me up with regret and pain
So I can experience your grace
When I'm too numb to feel the rain.