I remember taking us out to dinner
Back Summer time.
You thought it was the last dinner
We would have together.

You thought it was the last time
You would be seeing me.
I remember you digging your nails
Into your skin at the dinner table.

You dug your nails so you could keep yourself
From crying.
I gently guided my fingers under your hand
And stopped what you were doing to yourself.

You didn't resist.
Just prayed the tears wouldn't spill.
I coaxed your nails away.
Such impressions left in your thigh.

I did my best to assure you everything would be okay.
The pain in your eyes, I'll never forget.....
A guilt I still carry.
Try as you might, tears still ran down your cheeks.



Fast forward to Winter...
I was digging a blade
Into my skin.

I dug a serrated edge into my arm
Sitting in my driver seat.
Just prayed the tears wouldn't spill.

The panic attack was the worst one
I found myself gasping hysterically through
The past seven weeks.

As my skin broke, and bled
I could finally **** in
A deep burning pull of breath.

My world hasn't been the same
Since you cut me out of your life.
Since you detached.

I could finally see the road as I drove to safety.
Tears stinging down my sullen face.
...It's been a long time since Teeth and Talons have left their mark.

You were small once.
With wide eyes.

You saw the world.
In an array of colours.

In another life.
You'd be a great inventor.

Instead you grew.
Too fast.
Too soon.

You were born.
To make mistakes.

If only you knew.
If only you flew.

To the world.
You became a flaw.

Your  life was jinxed.
From the beginning.

You weren't born a fighter.
Yet became one in chaos.

You lost everything.
You lost everyone.

Will they ever understand?
All you ever was trying to do?
Was help?

They'll never understand.
The reason you became,
Something else.

Through alcohol my words I stutter
So what if I've turned to another
Vice, don't look twice
On our mistakes, we were meant to break.

And I wish I could still please you
But now I look through
Our veils of betrayal and disappointments
Do you think we can still make amends?

Wish I'd been enough
Wish I didn't catch you laugh
On my pain
Can you handle the blame?

somebody
pour  me a drink
pour me a life
pour me a lie
somebody
tell me
it’s okay to cry.

Why is it
That after every social gathering
My thumbs return home
Bleeding?

I miss you
I love you
I’m drunk
and I can’t think straight

My world is falling apart
Because I can’t stay sober without you

I miss
the angry girl

the one fist fighting with shadows,
not playing well with others,
telling you no,
telling you no thanks,
speaking up for my life,

standing up for my wants,
my needs,
my desires,
all the things that make me moan in pleasure

I want to punch holes in walls,
scream in the solitary corners of every room,  

run
escape

use my words to take back my power
use my power to take back my words

I want to say not today,
not ever,
keep on walking.

Anxiety wraps
itself around me,

like a coat that
doesn’t fit me

like a lover that
doesn’t love me

like a fire that
doesn’t warm me