More of a man at 20 than at 22

All of the passages about One, there were no others

Regressing into sin, no art without misery

That old cliche, right? Right.

I read somewhere that he wanted to be a writer

He wanted to be a great writer, Remembered

Taking, making great sacrifices for art

Alcohol, Benzedrine, Isolation

Checkmate, One and Two and Three

The night (this night) will be my Desolation Peak

For now,

Looking back through the pages

Who exists in this manuscript?

Who is Marg?

Who is Sil?

Won’t you please tell me?

Won’t you come fill my Head. I’m not asking

Won’t you come fill my bed?

So I need not pretend

Were it that I could let you in

Save for those rare times when everyone appears not unctuous

          To my uneasy usurious eyes

In an act of desperate atavism I return to the roots,

To the past, to the Grass,

      (Looking)

           To the glass

Only momentarily half empty

Before it is refilled

Where will we find our answers honey?

When will we cease to believe this positive psychology *******?

You don’t need to be happy

You don’t need to be comfortable

You need to Mean

                 to have

                             Meaning

                                   to create a legacy

Not shrouded in shame

    and neglect

         and fear

It doesn’t have to be the same

New city, new hope, new name

Erase the stain with pen and paper

Evoke change

See the world through baby blue eyes

   The bucolic beauty brilliantly beats and beads down, blooming

        Bright flowers in early mildew sunlight

            Or Big Sur - view from the mountains

                Or the moon

Soon my love, soon

   Swoon, sweetly suggest

       The sight of a lover’s supple *******

            And her name like poetry on your soft still whispering lips

   Tantalizing and tickling tongues

       Tickling and tucking shyly

Soft skin swimming in hushed tones, brushed bones and quiet sighs

   Wide eyed, clenching belies

       The beginning and the end of far more

Youth hasn't fled, it’s just passed down
As the weight of the world pushes on us, shrinking our discs
And the sound of crashing, crushing waves washing over
Stones rounded by millions of years
From the seabed, from the tilted pool bottom
Staring up at the world passing by, murkily

Are they talking to me? Talking about us?
Though I strain and strain to believe
I just can’t tell, it’s too far to see
Waking with a start, cold ichorous blood
Chilled to the bone, seeing vermilion

That first desperate breath filling the lungs
With iron laden tongue
Sanguine tasting mouth
I've read that we are motivated to live to find out what happens
How does the story end?

Ashing on the pain, wonder if I lost my way?
Check in with me when you can sweetheart
You’re beautiful and people love you
Try not to see things in terms of pain
You think you've caused others – your family, you said
That’s not why we are here
People are in our lives because we care about them
It’s about helping each other to be who we want to be, as best we can

People aren't meant to be weighed and measured
Which sometimes doesn't mean much, I know
But what scares me most about giving up is then
I won’t know what happens tomorrow
I think “what if?”
And luckily often I start to imagine things that I could miss
Things I want, things I deserve

Weird that only in desperation does that become salient enough to register
Whether we believe it or not, usually we all have those little dreams
Bits of hope buried deep down
That if uncovered can keep us afloat just a little longer

Ever if things are truly black
I just hope you’re okay
And I really want you to stay
Even if it is just a little longer
Let me know you’re there, safe

I’ve a general practitioner, a psychiatrist and a psychologist
(who’s leaving but I’ll panic about that later)

I’m on 4 different psych meds

Adderall, XR 25mg P.O.
(So I can be motivated, focus and concentrate), Daily

Klonopin, 0.5mg P.O.
(For panic attacks, social anxiety, generalized anxiety), As needed

(Translation:Constantly)

Buspirone, 10mg P.O. (For depression and generalized anxiety),
3 times daily – Useless

Remeron, 15mg P.O. (For depression, anxiety and insomnia),
Daily, at night – Only helps you sleep

Even with all that, I can barely get out of bed in the morning,
coffee’s no help

I can’t really sleep much, waking times a night,
sleeping restlessly if at all

Going to class is a nerve wracking nightmare – as is going out –
but I do it anyways

A panic attack surrounded by people is better than
solitary madness and cabin fever

Like a slave, to a handful of bitter little pills just barely keeping you afloat, unable to hack it alone

While everyone else seemingly can push on through life without them

Falling behind, despite the stupid little pills

Watching as the world goes on around you, spinning sickeningly

While you wish desperately to be normal,
with a million colliding thoughts in your head

I’m a member of so many 21st counter cultures

Of which there are so many we are rendered meaningless

Wait, that’s not right, let me try again

“I choose to ignore this. Cabin in the Woods” He says, The Ostrich Method, head in the sand

And we’re running out of beer, I’m sobering up,

Or rather it was a sobering moment

Just more ammo for these moralists

“Ohh, you’re a drain on society” – buzzkillers the lot of ‘em

Probably religiouses with their ‘God’ and whatnot

“Thou shalt not get *******” or whatever, I dunno I’ve never read that thing

Meanwhile cook talk is running through my head “I’m pretty sure I’m dying” I tell him

Passive aggressive. ******. Isolated, negative worldview

Defeatism exemplified, the most educated generation ******* in the snow

Ya, I know. We’re entitled but they sold us a false reality

We can’t be anything we want, Jack, that’s a fallacy

“But He’s alright” he tells her. I guess they’d been ******* on men

I wanted no part of it – washed my hands of the whole affair

Focusing instead on scotch and rapidly disappearing ice

Things are ok
Not dead and currently that’s a good thing
Optimism abound,
Climbing mountains only to jump off the other side
Hoping to find some understanding or meaning
Or even a median in space, or time
Precariously traversing the rock face
Walking down a fine white line
Seeing the whole world unfolding before you
Only you’re too focused on climbing
To appreciate the view (Tunnel Vision living)

Faltering now, nascent feelings of inadequacy cloud your mind
Who are you kidding?
Latent feelings of inadequacy? (Yes)
Cliché existential crises? (God Yes)
Denial? (Don’t stop!)

Atoms for Peace on repeat (Before your very eyes)
Sinking into it like a warm bath
A glass of absinthe and a head full of dreams
Though you aren't asleep
Sinking into that hole, it feels like dying
The room spins
Senses rapidly disintegrate, one by one
A nothingness deeper and more profound than anything
Timothy Leary knew
As your head dips below the surface
A ******* child, D.M. Turner minced with Kerouac
Or a laudanum laced Thomas De Quincey
You saw god that night,
The layers peeled away
It was pure chaos and caustic fear
Brimming with breathtakingly beautiful apathy and acceptance
Quantum clairvoyance springs forth

You see how the cards will fall
God reminds you, “Everyone dies alone”
And you know the truth, he doesn't have to tell you:
God isn't there when you die
Smiling peacefully as your Sisyphean plight dissolves into the night