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the back of my throat scratches as a smile is forced deep into the muscles on my face, taking along with it ounces of the strength I have left

It's draining, it really is,
watching the spiral of water go down the drain, stained by my hair dye, reminiscent of what used to be

Days used to be easier than they are now, but they also used to be harder

Time passes anyway.
Please
I know I was mean
I know I was rude
Please
just remember
I'm only 19
I'm only nineteen
I've never had a home
I've always been on my own
I'm only nineteen
acting 30
pressure
so much ******* pressure
can you hear it through the sobs
the neighbors knocking at my door can
please
remember I'm still just a kid
I'm still so little
I'm still living in that day
when my own father tried to take my life away
please forgive me
I'm trying so hard
but it's all so ******* much
and I'm so overwhelmed
and i'm so ******* tired
and the worst part
is that I'm doing my best
I'm doing everything i can
why doesn't anyone care
why doesn't anyone cut me slack
I'm nineteen
I'm still just a kid
It's still 2002
I wan to watch cartoons
please i can't breath
I'm sorry I told you to go
come back
come back
leave
come back
I don't know what to do
I don't know what to do


I am so tired
I'm sorry Rob I promised I wouldn't break
please I tried so hard
you travel alone sometimes, to distant stars, to the distant future
you go where you're needed but not where you're wanted
delicately walking, your presence undisturbing of the dirt below you

you make the greatest impact to yourself only
an observer, a thinker
trying to make things slightly brighter

I'm scared to be alone sometimes, and selfish too
I go where I'm wanted but not where I'm needed
and I pick blossoms off of trees and put them in my hair
and I leave footprints in the mud

your need to be alone is fascinating, taking in sights, colors, sounds, smells,
with no one to share it with

I admire your strength and willpower, you admire my desires and the flowers in my hair

I hope once you reach new lands, where the ground is softer and the trees glisten in the light of their star,
you think to yourself,

"she would like it here."
there's a layer of dust on your furniture
and your things haven't been touched

when you come home
you'll still be miles away

the years we spent in constant contact
were too easy to drop
and fade away

but this doesn't mean they were nothing to me
our late night chats and our cups of tea
you really, really did help me

you struggle so much with your identity,
because you base it all on appearance
just like we both used to

i can't remember when we stopped talking
somewhere between a rainy day
and a random wednesday

it started this way because we were busy
at least that's what i told myself
but really it's just i'm getting better
and you aren't

(and i feel so guilty for that,
you deserve to be better
just as much as i do.
but i don't think
you want it,
yet)
i don't want our friendship to be over
but i don't know how to talk to you
A word derived from the native Hawaiian tongue
used to categorize outsiders.
Translated as no breath.
No life.
No soul.
According to the Hawaiian tradition people spoke with their Ha, their breath of life.
But i was taught at a very young age that i was breathless and had no right to the ground i stood on.
I learned that the words i spoke fell only on deaf ears and that no matter where i went in the place i called home i was an intruder.
And my parents wonder why i dont feel at home anywhere anymore.

Pushed away as an outsider i was made to find my own roads and they were seldom paved.
As an outsider i look in on the crowds and see people who have their Ha ripped from them, children who are taught at a very young age that they are breathless.
Lifeless.
Soulless.
But i speak to them now and say that i have reclaimed my soul, i have found my life, and i tell you that i can speak.  I can speak and i can breathe.

I can breathe again.
I am my own worst enemy
I am my own bully, my disease,
I only see in mirrors.

The only way to get rid of her is to get rid of me.
The only way to fight back is to fight myself.
the only way to hurt her is to hurt myself.

I drown her out with ***** on weekday nights and weekday mornings I put on my powdered sugar mask and hide from her cruelties and casualties

My body shakes and shivers in the middle of the night and I fight and I fight for something that is better than this
a bad day//incomplete
I want to throw up what I just ate,

but I'm too scared.

does that make me strong?

or weak?
Ate a brownie today.
I disgust myself.
 Feb 2015 Violet Hooper
Bec
I am 16
And I have found love in a
boy who is 5 years older than me.
He tells me he loves me and I
lose myself in him.
He breaks my heart, twice.
We still keep in touch.

I am 20
I have found love in a girl
with curly blonde hair and eyes
like the sea. She holds my hand
and sings to me, kisses my forehead.
We haven't spoken in a year.

I am 21
I think I have found love.
He doesn't acknowledge what we
are in public and he thinks insulting
me is funny. He kisses me like he loves me
though, so I tell myself it's enough.
He moved miles away; I think he was
just as lonely as I was.

I am 22*
She's the one. Her hair is never
the same color and sometimes
she laughs too loud. She has scars
that she regrets, but she's doing
everything she can to keep going.
She is me, and I am in love.
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