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VanillinVillain Oct 2021
What hurts the most is that I don't know how she feels.
What hurts the most is that it always ends the same.
What hurts the most are the million broken sentences flooding my mind.
What hurts the most is that she hurts deeper.

It came to me in a dream, this thing. It came to me in a dream amidst the mountain jumping and tree growing. Came like devastation. Something so world shaking as to knock me from my feet and shatter what I had thought I'd known. and how to say it? when to broach it? could I have done it better?

It was a kiss which sealed the royal decree.
that fair weather friend of uncertainty.
a pistol shot through meat and bone
to liquify my straining soul.

no one. not again.

I am too good to be true.
that little cure for wellness.
A mirror edge’d nothing of my own immaturity.
A smooth and shapeless form waiting to be fed
the venom of an

Heat rising
inflating the folds of my brain to disastrous proportions
Arms and legs numb, pounding.
Hands climbing the walls of my throat.

I shouldn’t have offered. I recognize that. It was done for the same reasons as the spider-bridge remark. Too scared am I of all of this; my mechanisms joking and sarcastic. Moving faster backwards than towards a conclusion.

and as I sit, trying so hard to think
knowing that you're waiting on my words
the music grows louder.
louder.
blotting out any other thought and though the truth may vary
this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore.
You are waiting on me and though the truth may vary
this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore.
and I'm burning and though the truth may vary
this ship will carry our bodies safe to shore.

a week turns into millenia, turns into hours, turns into one. one moment, one beat.
one drag of the eraser.

no words will make it better. this confession has meant nothing.
It's ******. I ****** it.
No more.
10/11/21, 3am
VanillinVillain Oct 2021
the ground had turned to mud by then,
trod and sod by step and blood
mixed by death-thrown armored legs
to sickly anxious paste.
the war was weeks if to a day
a battle for which no one knew,
waged between two righteous foes
the princes Lux and Antilum.
Triplets these, with brother Mono,
whom, upon the sidelines stood,
pausing with his armies there
unsure of whom to back.
He waited long and lone, apart,
till blood had dried in broken hearts
till thousands been reduced to two
and family met 'pon earth and rot.
He watched as brother cleft through brother,
watched as one won over other,
watched as blood ran hot from ruined
mouths that screamed after eachother.
On that day in chill'd fall
he stepped into the field of carnage
and as his brothers fought he brought
them each into his arms.
But Lux and Antilum still fought
and in their haze of blood saw not
the wounds which they now wrought
upon their dearest brother.
And silent Mono fell, alone,
hands still tight about his dagger
feeling still the awful chill
of steel between his ribs.
to be or not to be? perhaps neither of thee? indecision sure can be an extended metaphor in the neck
VanillinVillain Sep 2021
again and again the pendulum falls
around and around constructing its walls,
building me further and further alone
severed from flesh and the blood I've long known.

darker and darker and darker it grows
till naught but Memory's grace can yet glow.

yet even that boon is so savagely dimmed
flattened and scrimmed to nothing but limbs
shattered and smattered and scattered aside;
glass in the foot prints of pilgrim's pride.
VanillinVillain Sep 2021
On and off and on again
we play our foolish games
will they won't they, if and maybe
hiding in our shame.
Reaching blindly out to you
fingers through the aching dark
feeling failing for the footholds
leading up and t'ward your heart.
But only when you will it so
only when you're in that zone for
other times you barely show
retention of our ebb and flow.
As if ashamed, you are of me
hoping others never see.
VanillinVillain Aug 2021
I forgot how empty you feel.
how incomplete.
how utterly alone and misplaced.
how everything comes back in a flash
and before you can reach for your lines
you've been swallowed in compressing darkness;
breathing lung-fulls of tar and tearing at old wounds.
the scents make your hands tremble,
the buildings, your legs weaken.
the flash of red hair and familiar curving nose
plucking at your mind with razor'd fishhooks.
oh misery, oh woeful rains,
to think I'd almost let you alone.
sophomore year, day 1
VanillinVillain Jul 2021
Louder now than ever
I hear that twinging song,
see the crimson scriptures
writ of iron-tipped scrawl;
thinking not about the pain
but seeking some control.
VanillinVillain May 2021
as one admires a waning moon's final phosphorescence,
the brightest burn before its departure,
so was I too, late,
chancing only a glimpse of your blinding luminance
as you passed us by, unto your next life phase.

how I wish I could have seen the whole magnificent show;
and to not have only chanced a friendship
my first, your final, semester.
I will miss her most
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