VanillinVillain

VanillinVillain Jan 2021

There's this thing I do
you know?
like a tick, a quirk,
a little unconscious action that
no matter how far I think I've come
always resurfaces.
Like... you know?
A bad habit
an-
a relapse.
I just- every time I-
when I care about a person I develop this
this grandiose sense of responsibility to and for them, like
like I have to take care of them and worry for them and
and no matter how many times I tell myself that
that they don't need me to do this
it's not my job
not my responsibility
I always end up
stressing over them and beating myself up for not helping becauseIfeellikeIt'smydutyandlikeIneedtocontrolthemevenwhenIknowthereisn'tanythingIcanreallydoandthatthelastthingtheyneedisanothervoicedirectingthemonwhattodo.
You know?
His cigarettes, his drinking,
his obsessive weightloss
things he needs and wants and which make him happy
but which I internalize and which drive me up the wall and
back down the other side into a
fiery crater of overthinking and worry.

I don't think its anything serious, you know?
just a little thing I do.
a little death each day.

denial

VanillinVillain Jan 2021

cut-off

At this precipitous gap
my palms, sweat-slick,
***** through anxious misunderstanding
to catch your cool insecurities;
but ever empty will they fall,
ever short of connection,
severed at the dire
edge of empathy.

#fear #disconnect

VanillinVillain Jan 2021

On dreams

Ne’er has there been such peace
as side by side, platonic slumber,
eases back the shuttered blinds
frees Thought to its lurid dance;
as resting bodies twine their roots,
our dreams perform their spiritual coitus.

#romance #heartache #lonely

VanillinVillain Dec 2020

Doubt

A wall of doublethink
denies my hands,
wrapped and bound
by wordy chains
I bend to their demands.
Look; the questions on my knuckles,
phrases down my fingers.
These second-thoughts like shining buckles,
locked tight; words left to linger.
In haunted glass I watch your decent,
unable to reach out;
wishing words could extricate,
but gagged am I by cruel doubt.

#helpless #useless #love

VanillinVillain Dec 2020

Obsessive

He lives in my mind
an obelisk to my utter uselessness,
my self-doubt;
but I can’t imagine time without him.
Without the pain.

The agony of his friendship
has been the greatest pleasure of my year.

#madness

VanillinVillain Dec 2020

Maybe, Maybe

Maybe it’s her smile that does it,
something so simple
as a flexing of muscles
to give me pause.

Or maybe it’s the eyes,
the way she looks at me
while we talk,
even as she mentions her boyfriend.

Could it be the way she stands,
So close by my side,
when the work is slow
and conversation is all our time allows?

But that smile,
lending an unfamiliar familiarity.
Was it coy? Did she play?
Do I read too much into the little things?

Perhaps it’s all of it together,
how those eyes squint
when pushed up by round cheeks,
that blossom in a grin.

Maybe… maybe.
Whatever it is,
my heart does sing for her;
that forbidden fruit.

— The End —