Would you still write about me if I didn't read them?
Or do you write highly of me out of fear

I've been encapsulated with a difficult time and I've had my strength repeatedly put through rigorous test lately and I'm always left alone to suffocate on my insecurities and feel helpless at the knees of the Lord
I can't find peace in my skin or in my mind and my first thought was to sleep away my troubles before I realized the simplicity of bathing in the privilege given to me by God
I pray for a comfort found only in one person and I pray strictly for their repent as one day they'll be forced to face a struggle bigger than any of us
I pray for solitude in my life and in their happiness I so heavily rely on
I pray I can sacrifice myself in the eyes of the lord in exchange for them and their lack of faith and I cant remember when I started prioritizing their prayers over my own but the Lord is just as thankful in rewards as he is in appreciation

It's been so long that I don't even have the right to be this upset over it anymore

Sometimes I’m afraid
That I’m worse than what I say I am
The thing that you swear I’m not
I think I’ve convinced you to think I deserve your support no matter what they say

No.

“Convinced” is too forgiving
I forced you to hurt yourself for me, scaring you so many times that you no longer knew what it was like to have a second opinion
I just wish I’d known what I was doing to you

I broke all of my promises
And accepted, shamefully,
all of the nightmares hidden-

I've tried to write about you countless times but I still can't find it in my heart to admit these things to myself