Its so easy to get lost
You never realize how much it consumes your life until its too late
It something so real that is made out to be so fake
You hear stories of people dying and never recovering from crippling addiction
You hear stories of endless migraines, incurable by any form of pill other than the ones you've already sacrificed everything for
Its so seemingly easy to just wake up and not take three then and two eight hours later until you have to do it
You cant even function knowing you didn't do it and then the day gets harder and your head starts spinning and you're stuck in a cycle of being addicted with no one to help you and no one knowing.

I keep spinning the truth around my head
Like a game of Russian roulette meant to play with bullets in every chamber but one
The one more difficult to handle than the shot relieving every voice in my ears
The tears are puddling in the wells of my hideous eyes
Putting up a front only rough drugs and meaningless *** can fulfill
That one chamber holding every word I wished you have never screamed or shouted into the vacancy of our relationship we wanted to stopped before I spoiled the ending like a bad independent indie film you shoved down my throat the pills you tried to take from my shaking hands while I swallowed down taurine in the comfort of my scarred up hips; the ones you so desperately lost your argument in when you couldn't get past our fights you decided to choke me with lust and then plead you've decided you do love me only to regret your words in fifteen minutes but never the actions you chose to take
You said I was too much to handle that your space was needed and my outcry for a change was burdensome and that I relied on your love to keep me sane but ignored that I just wanted to feel your love; ignored how badly I wanted you to say you loved me but never heard or felt a single drop of relief. Thats why we didnt work. You were incapable of loving others the way you wanted love. It was a two sided story that never had an ending until you lost your confidence in the pen.

I don't want to be alive but I can't figure out how to write about it

I can feel each finger grip my side
Each push so much harder and each tear so much quieter
I know how bad it all looks and I know im not faultless
But my guilt is killing me
I can feel his breath on my neck but I can hear your words in my ear
I feel so worthless
I am no more than the words you say to me and I know youre growing tired of my insecurities and it hurts like hell to watch

I'm trapped inside my room, and the absence of my sanity is the only thing keeping me company. I've forgotten how to eat and how to sleep without feeling your hands on me and it's killing me inside.
I want to finish the job before this misery can
I want to feel like maybe there's a bit of hope waiting for me on the other side but now I can't see past the times you begged me to stay
If I don't mean enough to you then why should I care?
I still love you but I want you to love me
I want to feel loved
I only feel love in the form of a razor in my shaking hands
I want to leave and forget what I did
I want to stop being here at all

My head spins like your fingers in my hair
I'm stuck with a tenseness in my stomach as your lips work around my body
I stare at your face
And trace your eyes with my mind
Leaving me to wish I was what you need

The ocean may roll over new begginings and the wind may carry old ends but my love will always stay and despite my admiration these tears will stain my face

"Those five silly words
Words I thought I'd never hear and I can never understand how you could say that
Did you feel pressured by the moment?
Was it strictly because of what had happened?
How could someone be sure enough in themselves or in my incompetence to whisper those words in my ear and on my mouth
The night stood still and I can assure you my dreams reflected the conflict in my heart"

I wrote this forever ago and it stands true to this day
Only now I feel my questions have been answered

We say it's a goodbye but I know we'll laugh again
This is just a small bump in the road
I know I may not be here anymore but know I still love you
I always will hold you all so dearly in my heart
My eyes will close with the peace of mind where you rest
I know the day will come where you will be okay
These feelings you personify in your writings will leave you with a sweet symphony of memories and nostalgia for our teens years we'll lose in all the confusion of growing old

I'll be gone and you will be just fine
Keep your head up; count the stars and I'll kiss every single one for you

There's an ocean in front of me
The waves crashing on the rocks with little mercy to spare the cold wind from biting your skin and leaving a red tint in your cheeks
It's a long way down from the cliff
I'm dropping twigs from the long grass strangling my ankles in scratches and bites from the bugs I no longer find appealing

The water is so rough; it would take a second to engulf my body and I'd be long forgotten
Nothing but an unpleasant memory in the troubled minds of those I've hurt
Those I've wronged and annoyed with my pessimistic attitude
I need to grow up and learn to change things for the better but this water looks all too soothing for the waves to cause me so much pain
I'd rather float away and be a distant memory than bear this feeling in my stomach
My heart has grown so heavy and numb to the feelings I once felt too much I can't seem to muster tears of sadness
When I cry there's a vague sense of doubt in each choked out sob

And I'm so alone
The wind wrapping wearily around my weak trembling arms feels more comforting than an ' Are you okay?" these days and the vacant eyes of my friends lack care or concern confirming my insecurities

Here is never where I wanted to be
But hopefully i wont be here for long

Lately all I've done is hurt my friends and disappoint them
I never meant for it to get this bad with every 'one more time" i whispered while I cried
I know i should've stopped and I know i should just eat but the words can't leave my mouth and I can't get any sleep
I stay up from night to night and wonder when it'll stop but lately the voice has been telling me I have to end it myself
And lately I have been scared
I've been so scared of your words
Please be gentle and don't yell too loud or the others will be concerned
They tell me you're no good for me and to leave you in the dirt
The scratches and bruises you leave in my skin makes them worry more
But I need you to tell me the things I want to hear to know that you can always keep me in check and make sure I'm good enough for them

I swallowed my pride and wore my sadness on my sleeves for it to be ignored and treated as a burden yet when I refuse to elaborate on my lack of perk its protested as a humble gesture and exchange between friends I can't bring myself to say I know

It's getting really hard and I'm so scared of all of it; please be patient they're getting help

I sit in bed and wait for a thought to surface
Hopefully one that doesn't lead to disappointment in my friend's eyes

I can't figure out if it's funny to me or if it breaks my heart that a thirty minute text conversation is all you want from me when you've been gone for nine years

It hurts more to know that you pretend to care about me
It's the thought that maybe one day you'll come back
or maybe its the thought of not crying all alone
You used to hold me at night
You would stop my tears and silence my pain and now you can't even call me on the phone
The memories of hearing your voice hurt my heart so bad
But what hurts the most is thinking maybe I ****** up
Maybe it isn't that you never wanted me but instead I made you not want me
I think I messed up

I messed up bad

And you can't fix it anymore

I want you to fix it
I want you to hold me
I want you to tell me that you love my hair
and tell me that you'll always be there
Tell me that you'll love me no matter what happens
Tell me you never meant a word you said
That all the hitting and screaming the fighting was in my head
Tell me you care.
Please
Tell me

I feel their eyes surrounding me, locked into my insecurities
Their faint whispers scratching thoughts into my brain
My own blood and skin under my nails
I've run out of nails to bite and I've resorted to scratching my arms
My voice grows raspy and weary from all the screaming
I can hear them in my head and feel them in my legs
my feet
my eyes are falling; my lids growing heavy but stinging from the tears I keep them open
I don't sleep, i can't bare it
I'm scared to be alone and unaware of what's happening in the dark
I've started to only sleep during the day when they can't get me
In my stomach there's a knot, they've been tying for years on end
With their murmurs and their laughter they fill a void in my life
I know I'm not crazy and I've sworn it to be true
But I've started to rock myself to sleep and pick at the skin around my scars
I don't feel like it's me in control and I'm scared to be quiet so I mouth what they say into my silent room where the lights start to flicker and I rely on a phone call to leave my bed
I'm a paranoid mess and unwanted at that
I see these shadows at night and a sadness that hangs over my head
I jump at small noises and movements when they're too fast and I've scared my family and friends
It's consuming me and holding me by neck, keeping close enough to cry but i can't get away from it's grip
I'm struggling to wake up and you're struggling to listen
This isn't a cry for help
This isn't a confession to my insecurities but rather an allocation to a jury of people saying they care
I'm pleading for mercy when they take me away

Youve built a glass box all around me and sank me to the ocean floor where I'm stuck to gaze at fish and watch the tides above my head
I was too stubborn to see you were trying to protect me from the water, so I resisted your efforts of comforting me
I wanted so badly to get out of this box and to find a calm in the air and a breath in our silence, I can't get out without drawing in my fear
Full of hate, and I know water never killed anyone but it sure as hell does hurt
The water stabs my skin and breaks my heart but I chip away at the glass in a desperate attempt to find you
But you built me a tiny door that only you can find
The door is what keeps you near when you're out of sight
You never leave my mind even when the water tends to part at the thought of your love

I want you to know
Or more so I need you to know.

To know how deep and rooted my love for you is
I want you to know how desperately I cling to your oblivious body when you reject my love
I want you to know what you deserve and how much you're worth
I want you to know that I don't say things aloud but I whisper them everyday
In your skin, in your soul, in my mind
I want you to know that you'll soon have to leave.
As we've spoken of it before it's for the best and not for long but when we part
I want you to know that you've always been able to and I've always wanted to say
can you?
Goodbye my sweet boy I hope you find comfort in this mess when we're alone

I'm so lonely and scared but I don't want to be seen as weak

There's a fire in my palms
I keep my hands cupped together but it's getting too strong
You come along and place your finger in between mine to ease the burns it is causing
The fire is hurting and it grows brighter with our words
We yell, we scream, and we cry
Yet we say that its alright
The fire starts to dance and mocks me with assertion
I know its purpose is to help me
The fire helps us grow after each tear and bruised fist
It reminds us how fragile we can be if we give into its temptation
I have faith in our relationship and know it'll be okay
But sometimes the fire gets cold and that's when the fear settles in

Dear Best friend,
  I know times are hard for you right now and it breaks my heart to see you in pain.
Your eyes are dull and blank with so much hurt and sadness and you're always with me but never fully there.
I want to help keep you down to earth when you're spaced out
I still love you with all my heart but I miss run around slap happy with innocent laughter all night
Some of my happiest moments are with you, you've been a consistent light in my life and helped me through everything
With every phone call until the sun is nothing but a faint memory, with every minute long hug where I lose myself in your presence and recognize a calm and that squeeze you always do to remind me that I always have you to help me
Ian you are so important even if it feels like the world is crashing around you
I know you feel trapped and suffocated with no where to go anymore, but I'm always a phone call away
I want you to talk to me when something is wrong
You are too great to suffer alone

I've seen your dreams and optimism shift and shatter throughout the years and I've watched as you rebuild your aspirations and instill a sense of confidence in yourself. Every guitar, pen, and eyeliner before a concert that you hold brings am honest smile to my face and I'm so ******* proud of you.
I envy your ability to express yourself so fluently and so well because Jesus Christ are you talented. You've inspired and helped so many of us and I'm so grateful to have your goofy ***

God blessed me with such a beautiful, intelligent, gentle soul in my life and I never want to take it for granted. 
You are so much more than what you see in the mirror 

You're so worthy sweetheart
You deserve all the happiness the world has to offer
Every late night car ride
Every ice cream cone in the back of the truck
Every box of cereal from the discount store
Every sweet tea you instantly regret
Every mosh pit and concert where the stage lights could never compare to your bright and vibrant energy

You're so strong
You always get through every difficult day, every exhausting car ride to work, every moment you feel alone and useless
Ian you always have me there and friends that care and support you
I will never stop worrying regardless of your reassurance, I want you to be okay.
I know you will be
Because Ian,
I love you
And I never want you to lose you

To Whom It May Concern,
    I keep praying. At night I cry and confide in people I can barely recognize as the friends I'm watching dwindle away as I search for an outlet.
I beg of you to not yell, keep your voice at a whisper.
Let your words kiss my cheek with their harshness and soothe my mind with their intent
Let the fear disappear as you touch my face and look in my eyes
I want to feel you again, I've felt the anger, the sadness, the pain but I'm lost
Your gentleness has faded lately and I'm growing scared
Terrified of you leaving over the inconveniences of others and lack of involvement on our part
Your uncertainty in your words cuts into my faith and leaves my eyes anything but dry
I want to take away your pain
It breaks me to know that you're stuck in your head and crushed by your insecurities
I want you to know how I feel and see what I know
No matter how much we scream and cry we'll be alright
I know we can get past the issues as insignificant as we make them
I know the trust can be built up from the ashes it lays in after our mistakes
I'm sorry I cause these issues and I'm sorry I'm not always there when you need me and I'll do better; I promise
Just please don't leave me
I need you.

It's a sunny Wednesday morning and the summer air is quiet
You've been a person I'm always so close to when the opportunity is raised but as always the summer separates us
Over the hot and humid months we never really talk much and Im left to hate the fact that everything is a memory, I keep holding on to the fact that in the fall we can laugh again. Without you existing solely in my heart and in my head
I admire your smile and energetic hugs that last for hours when you can tell I'm upset and it's days like these when I realize I shouldn't take it for granted
I already miss you

I can feel the clock ticking
The soft secondhand creating a rhythm in my veins
I have absolutely no concept of time with you
I lose the rhythm in your fingertips and find myself isolated in your eyes
I've grown dependent on your presence and count the minutes when you're away
You've shattered time in my heart and in my head
It slips through my hands when you're here
And stands still and cold when you're gone

When you leave I'm not sure how long it'll be
But I'm terrified nonetheless

God can send me to hell as long as you never have to suffer in heaven

There are weeds growing from my ankles, they stay calm and at rest
They tell me pretty secrets and keep all of my thoughts suppressed
The weeds are weak and fragile
For I feed them at night with each sob and each tear

There are flowers that start to grow
On my arms and on my legs
They stay idle with a passion and they sway in the wind
They laugh and they scream with joy when I smile or even blink
For I starve the flowers until they can't help but to shrink

I am clumsy and therefore careless
forgetting the hurt and feeble soul
I am sad and therefore hopeless
And its the flowers that pay the toll

So I'm sorry dear flowers for I never meant to cause harm
But these weeds are growing stronger and I've given into their charm

Please forgive me,
I know I've done wrong but I am here to repent
I am lost in the fields and I don't mean to misrepresent
For the flowers and the weeds sing pretty tunes
Calling my names and hoping that I can find you

Would you still write about me if I didn't read them?
Or do you write highly of me out of fear

I lie a lot more than I should and its killing me

Im stuck in my glass box, underwater where you sank me and then stayed at my door
You sat outside with your body pressed to the walls and watched as I fell apart
You desperately plead for me to confide in you and roar when I refuse
To your oblivion with every scream and stomp you crack the glass
I'm left to silently watch as the cracks get larger and the fear settled in my stomach
I've tried to open the door multiple times and always remain with more water at my feet
I spend days and weeks trying to get rid of the water and mend the glass together but I always end back at the start with each new hit and insult

I often think we've convinced ourselves we need a psychedelic medium to alter our minds in order to feel the dizzy warmth we crave on those long summer nights
We've directly correlated our happiness to useless pills, powders, plants and poisons but we forget the times we've been high off of our company and touch
We so easily forget spinning in circles on the football field or rolling around in bed for hours over the feeling of inhaling a little too much smoke
Why can't we be happy with our friendships and not feel the urge for a rush of drugs or ***
When did we start relying on hands between our thighs and different head space for security in ourselves?
What happened to laughing over three letter words and drawing on our bodies?
Why can't we find cloud nine in each other anymore?
Is our sobriety going to end the sad reality of our detached friendships?

I'm laying in a field surrounded by complete silence and even the rain is nothing but faint
The wind doesn't dare blow above a nudge in my mind nor does it allow me to acknowledge its presence
The grass tickles at my arms and legs and ever so often stabs into my scarred hips and waist
Things haven't been the same since you left
I can no longer see things in plain sight, my vision has a young, naive lens; encapsulating my perception of the words i feel, the emotions coursing through my body, the sights of trouble and tribulation I have been forced to endure without a gentle guide but instead a harsh dictator caused by your incapability to be the person I so desperately need at times;
the person you promised you would be

I've been encapsulated with a difficult time and I've had my strength repeatedly put through rigorous test lately and I'm always left alone to suffocate on my insecurities and feel helpless at the knees of the Lord
I can't find peace in my skin or in my mind and my first thought was to sleep away my troubles before I realized the simplicity of bathing in the privilege given to me by God
I pray for a comfort found only in one person and I pray strictly for their repent as one day they'll be forced to face a struggle bigger than any of us
I pray for solitude in my life and in their happiness I so heavily rely on
I pray I can sacrifice myself in the eyes of the lord in exchange for them and their lack of faith and I cant remember when I started prioritizing their prayers over my own but the Lord is just as thankful in rewards as he is in appreciation

I'm growing tired and heavy
You tell me everything wrong with me and exploit me for not trying hard enough but I'm wearing myself out trying to be good enough and it's all going to waste
And my tears are staining my pillow, a nice dark shade of red
But tell me that you care about me and I'll keep tracing your fingers and singing that stupid song in my head

I'm scared I worry my friends and that's more upsetting to me than me being upset
For the one that's my world, I love you dearly and I swear I do what you say when you ask if I'm gonna be okay.
For the one that catches my voice in my throat, even if I don't sing for you it doesn't mean I don't wish I could, I want you to admire me as you have created a fictional version of what I could be if I was great.
For the one I'm in love with, I swear I trust you whole heartedly my dork, I don't break my promises and I can't imagine losing you. Please don't leave
For the one I miss dearly, you're so sweet and I miss our secrets and i swear I'm not a liar
I promise I'll be fine and though I love you all I feel like I cant help but make you worse

I have a photo and a broken promise.
A photo to help me through the heartbreak
A photo to keep me sane and in my head where the fire is burning away your memories and the ashes sting more than the flame
I can't find my way out, your promise ties a rope around my neck and gets tighter the farther I stray
I'm choking now
I have a broken promise to fill my eyes with tears and my mind with sorrow
I have a broken promise to hurt my heart when I can't find comfort in my own skin or in the hands of another where I search for the validation I need to feel human in their fingertips
I have a broken promise to break me apart and a photo to remind me you don't care

It's Sunday morning
The sun bathes on my face and I can't help but contort in discomfort
I allow myself to stand up and crawl towards the window
I allow my bones to crack as my bare legs support my body
I allow a tear to fall down my face as I listen to the birds and reflect on your words.

I might be scared, I might be a coward but I know that I have you
I know what you are and I know how you feel.

You are the sunlight I feel.
So warm and so bright
You're the bird singing me a song.
A pretty melody, the tune in my head
You're the air kissing my skin.
So light and refreshing
You're my entire world
But you still don't understand and I still can't find the courage to tell you

I broke today,
Into a million shattered pieces
In front of my most loved ones.
Something as simple as an hour lunch made me vulnerable and unloved
I broke over the environment,
I saw everyone happy, beautiful, and full of joy as they ate happily and I knew I wasn't allowed to
I broke at the sight of my disgusting body and face, knowing I can't ever be like them.
I broke as my pretty friend hugged me and asked if I was okay, I completely lost myself in her comfort and let myself cry
I cried knowing Im stuck and I wish things were so ******* different, but I'll never be able to be around food again and I'll never be able to be around the pretty people
I broke when he grabbed my hair and turned me around, even if he was just trying to get me to stop talking, I looked him in the eyes and saw a different person
I felt as though I was six and my father was holding me by my pigtails
I didn't see my talented, beautiful friend, I saw the monster I've been fighting everyday and I broke.
Everyone hates me because I broke.

I'm deeply in love with you but I don't know if I want you to know
You're so smooth and so sweet to the point that I'm crazy for all your little movements
I run my fingers along your body and wonder how you could be so heavenly
Your skin radiates with warmth and your eyes are pools upon pools of a gentle wind
I long for your physical touch, not ******, but just kind-hearted affection to last me through the day
It pains me to see your insecurities and not know how you could find a single thing wrong with someone as perfect as you
I love to run my fingers through your hair and take deep breathes as I'm reminded that I'll be okay
Your smile leaves a glow on my life Your delicate hands touching my face leaves a soft blush and your kisses to my head release a sense of calm and peace I can't find with others
I can't imagine not having such a beautiful soul to go through my life with
I might dream of losing you but it's only because I wish you were closer
Thank you so much

You have no idea how much I'd give to be pretty or at least average

I took a walk today after I ran out
I looked around, I felt the grass on my face and the rain washing away my anger and all the pain you've brought me
I listened to all of our songs
I thought of all our memories and moments and realized we're going to be okay my love
Even if I'm unsure about you, I can tell it'll be alright and that's all I need to keep me going
You're my world and I love you more than I can explain right now

There's a dandelion in my ear, she sits and she talks all day
She keeps me company at night when I pray all alone
She feeds me words of intellegent honesty and never fails to help me see
She helps me and washes my hair and cleans me of my wrong doing
She dictates what I feel and what I see
She tells me how to eat and how to sleep
She cries for me and tells me what to think
She always makes sure I'm okay but she tells me to dream of being alone
She keeps me at home and she tells me to scream
She tells me to leave my friends and learn to hurt myself instead
I adore her entirely, but my friends don't like Mrs. Dandelion
And they critique and ridicule her until I'm left a mess on the floor
They try to push her away from me and tell me to ignore her but
I don't want to abandon my dandelion and I want to keep my loved ones
But I can't have them both and i'm in love with a flower

It's been so long that I don't even have the right to be this upset over it anymore

I wonder why I'm not happy
I cry and I pray every night and I'm left with the same pain in my chest
I sit on the floor with my back to my door in complete darkness
I let the tears fall and mix with the water from my wet hair and I wonder why I'm miserable and I wonder why you lie to me
I try to fix what's broken and end up blinded by the right and I'm in shambles trying to wake up everyday and make sense of why I do when it would be so much easier to not
And I'm tired
Exhausted actually, of wasting my time and the space of my loved ones because unlike you, I don't lie when I say I love you and I don't want to keep being unhappy
But I keep letting myself **** everyone over
And I'm sorry

I've found comfort in my loneliness and now I'm too scared to go back to the light even with you holding my hand along the way

I'm scared you won't understand
I'm not forced by any means to express what I know as true and what you see as pity
The words I share when you're upset aren't just to comfort you but to reassure you that you're forever lovely to me

I don't feel pressured to say your smile fills a light in my heart
Or that your hair is soft and gentle like your words and personality
And I can't even tell you how many times I've traced your hands and your face and wished you could understand
When I tell you you aren't insane or a monster it isn't because you want to hear that its because Iwant to tell you that you mean the world to me

I know I act like I forget things a lot but I never will
I remember the first time you played the song on my bed, the first time we hung out, when you kissed me, the first time you held my hand and the last.
Every moments matters regardless how small they all make the difference

You aren't nearly as bad as you see yourself to be sweet boy
Why can't you love you like I love you?

Im so proud of how much you've changed and I know you like yourself more now but I still miss the old you

I could tell you didn't believe me
But that's not what hurt
It hurt to think you couldn't trust me not to lie
And that everything I had told you had instantly been invalidated

I've tried to write about you countless times but I still can't find it in my heart to admit these things to myself

I've lost myself completely