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I can't figure out if it's funny to me or if it breaks my heart that a thirty minute text conversation is all you want from me when you've been gone for nine years
It hurts more to know that you pretend to care about me
It's the thought that maybe one day you'll come back
or maybe its the thought of not crying all alone
You used to hold me at night
You would stop my tears and silence my pain and now you can't even call me on the phone
The memories of hearing your voice hurt my heart so bad
But what hurts the most is thinking maybe I ****** up
Maybe it isn't that you never wanted me but instead I made you not want me
I think I messed up

I messed up bad

And you can't fix it anymore

I want you to fix it
I want you to hold me
I want you to tell me that you love my hair
and tell me that you'll always be there
Tell me that you'll love me no matter what happens
Tell me you never meant a word you said
That all the hitting and screaming the fighting was in my head
Tell me you care.
Tell me
it was a bad decision
Chapstick Jul 2
I feel their eyes surrounding me, locked into my insecurities
Their faint whispers scratching thoughts into my brain
My own blood and skin under my nails
I've run out of nails to bite and I've resorted to scratching my arms
My voice grows raspy and weary from all the screaming
I can hear them in my head and feel them in my legs
my feet
my eyes are falling; my lids growing heavy but stinging from the tears I keep them open
I don't sleep, i can't bare it
I'm scared to be alone and unaware of what's happening in the dark
I've started to only sleep during the day when they can't get me
In my stomach there's a knot, they've been tying for years on end
With their murmurs and their laughter they fill a void in my life
I know I'm not crazy and I've sworn it to be true
But I've started to rock myself to sleep and pick at the skin around my scars
I don't feel like it's me in control and I'm scared to be quiet so I mouth what they say into my silent room where the lights start to flicker and I rely on a phone call to leave my bed
I'm a paranoid mess and unwanted at that
I see these shadows at night and a sadness that hangs over my head
I jump at small noises and movements when they're too fast and I've scared my family and friends
It's consuming me and holding me by neck, keeping close enough to cry but i can't get away from it's grip
I'm struggling to wake up and you're struggling to listen
This isn't a cry for help
This isn't a confession to my insecurities but rather an allocation to a jury of people saying they care
I'm pleading for mercy when they take me away
Im scared of doctors
Chapstick Jun 24
Youve built a glass box all around me and sank me to the ocean floor where I'm stuck to gaze at fish and watch the tides above my head
I was too stubborn to see you were trying to protect me from the water, so I resisted your efforts of comforting me
I wanted so badly to get out of this box and to find a calm in the air and a breath in our silence, I can't get out without drawing in my fear
Full of hate, and I know water never killed anyone but it sure as hell does hurt
The water stabs my skin and breaks my heart but I chip away at the glass in a desperate attempt to find you
But you built me a tiny door that only you can find
The door is what keeps you near when you're out of sight
You never leave my mind even when the water tends to part at the thought of your love
I'm dyslexia's

I wrote the same Poem with complete opposite meaning and have no recollection of it until I went through by drafts
Chapstick Jun 24
I want you to know
Or more so I need you to know.

To know how deep and rooted my love for you is
I want you to know how desperately I cling to your oblivious body when you reject my love
I want you to know what you deserve and how much you're worth
I want you to know that I don't say things aloud but I whisper them everyday
In your skin, in your soul, in my mind
I want you to know that you'll soon have to leave.
As we've spoken of it before it's for the best and not for long but when we part
I want you to know that you've always been able to and I've always wanted to say
can you?
Goodbye my sweet boy I hope you find comfort in this mess when we're alone
I found this in my drafts and it's a mess but he wants me to post it
Chapstick Jun 23
I'm so lonely and scared but I don't want to be seen as weak
Chapstick Jun 20
There's a fire in my palms
I keep my hands cupped together but it's getting too strong
You come along and place your finger in between mine to ease the burns it is causing
The fire is hurting and it grows brighter with our words
We yell, we scream, and we cry
Yet we say that its alright
The fire starts to dance and mocks me with assertion
I know its purpose is to help me
The fire helps us grow after each tear and bruised fist
It reminds us how fragile we can be if we give into its temptation
I have faith in our relationship and know it'll be okay
But sometimes the fire gets cold and that's when the fear settles in
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