It was Tuesday when I awoke, a cool 73 degrees.

It did not feel like summer.. only a temporary cold that stung when every other day has been arid as the desert.

The leaves showed the tiniest difference in color, a bit more yellow, scattered orange in a forest of vibrant green. And the smell of the bark was not as pleasant as it once was

When I grazed my hand on the black driveway while playing with my dear brother, my hand did not burn but instead it got scratched.

The water in the pond was just a bit colder, and the tides of the water were still. There was no breeze or moving force that usually created such intricate ripples.

It was beauty that had faded.

No one else really noticed it but I did. The sky was perfectly free of clouds but still the sun did not shine just as bright.

Smiles of the people on the sidewalk had gone, replaced by a stern expression that meant business. No one walked, it was now speed walking.

I touched the wrinkles on my hands, circled the ridges ingrained within my fingertips,

I felt the brown hairs on my arms and legs, how light they felt to the touch.

I gently poked my face and circled my eyes, breathing deeply for no reason other than chasing a feeling.

I remembered I had a routine and continued what little work needed to be done until day’s end.

Why did I feel today wasn’t real?

The next day, it was hot as ever, a burning 88 degrees, perfect for the pool. The smiles returned, and the brightness of the sun, and smell of the trees. I could not spot a single leaf of yellow or orange.

Then, I moved on with my day and forgot about my eyes, my skin, my hair and my face.

Like nothing ever happened.

Maybe nothing did happen, and I am overreacting.

Pragmatic.
Postive.
Fun.

This is what the world asks of him.

A boy, who is cloaked in evil, fear,
And toxicity.

He decided his heart was too fragile
Too human

To give it a chance to be seen.

His emotions dance around his mind,
and back and forth they bicker..
what is safe?
What do I want?
What should I do?

And the boy is confused,
Alone.

Behind his cloak he is human.

But human means pain. Failure.

Like a droplet of rain, disguising itself in the dirt as mud.
Disgusting, and avoided he remains

but to guard his insides, which are so clear,
so vulnerable.

His shadow holds his secrets, his tears and constant jitters.

It knows his weakness, and his lies,
though he cannot get rid of it.
He can’t run from himself.

The boy weeps behind shade
The boy yells in closed rooms
He hides

And hides.

But everything always catches up to him.

Pragmatic.
Positive.
Fun.

This is what they want him to be.

And so in defiance, he is evil among other things.

Angry.
Jealous.
Dark.

Dead.

In the black of night,
I remain as ashes
tight and comforted
by a feeling of nothing.
I am burnt, I have decayed,
but I still am
And so as I rest in nothing
and look around to see.. nothing
I know I am anything but nothing.
I am ashes.
I am torn.
But I am.
In this dark, I have light.
It’s just that no one else can see it.

Out in the darkest corners
And in the rush of people,
Among the tyrants and sinners,
Confusion and fear,
There I am.
With sleeves coming down to the floor,
Pants that fit my father,
A hat that would cover my whole head.
There I was.
Remembering my kin
And my home,
And the promises made by them
About the joys that would come to me once I left
They had no value.
It was like a lie.
What was I to do in a place of no order,
Where everything I had to do was new?
Where peace and calm never dawned upon me,
And my shoulders would be heavy with the weight of my life,
And my heart would be struck by an anxious blade.
There, I was.
So I held onto to the sweet voice in my head,
And step by step I made it to my bed
Small and hopeless,
While I was supposed to be strong.
There my mother came,
And held me for a while
While her hair brushed against my arm,
And her diamond eyes let tears fall,
Drops of pain that showed me love
And I cried too.
Everything began to disappear,
and silence overtook the chaos,
I felt the strongest in the arms of my mother
And I felt no shame.
There I was,
There, I am.
And there I will be

Everywhere I look
and see,
there is judgement.
On every face,
smile,
grin,
pair of eyes,
there is judgement.
In every push,
every word
and written note
or media post,
there is judgement.

And I ask,
"why?"
to the light within my heart,
but a different voice answers--
one of hatred,
and evil.
It told me of a tree
that offered good and evil,
and that evil has since cursed the hearts of many
and lives inside us all.

But I knew, that the shadows had not cursed me yet,
for I held the virtues in my heart,
like a shield against the blasphemy.

So I looked to the walls.
Cement and brick stacked up and up,
was my joy.
For on the walls were signs of color,
and love
and acceptance.
On the walls hung pictures,
of tremendous feats made
by the most intelligent of men--
inspiration that waited for me every day.
And they were solid,
static,
always offering me a glimpse into what could have been,
if good had slayed the evil,
and opened up our souls.

But every day I notice cracks
in the brick,
and melting of cement,
I knew Satan held the upper hand.
He was in every room,
every thought,
and every judgement.

But why should I care?
The walls shall not collapse
while I still roam these halls,

there is still hope for me.

If Satan lurks by judgment's guise,
slowly tearing down the light,
I will be in happiness--

For what have I to worry?
I say, "Let the curse spread!"
Let it tear the world apart,

In 500 years or so,
judgment will be no more

and I will have had the walls to myself.

There is time for me,
but for the future none will be left,

and the walls will crumble.

The dystopian regime
will reign soon,
but when my bones have already turned to dust.

I can hold on and pray,
for the future ones to weep on the ground--
facing eternal judgment,
in the fire that burns below.

The walls will crumble,

But by then the skies will have welcomed me,

and with the angles by my side

I will enjoy the last laugh.

A grain of sand on the ocean floor
Loved by the ocean’s embrace
I am.

If I stay broken
I won’t have to get up
to be knocked down countless times

And I can slowly heal, fractured
Like a dark knight.