I feel like my soul is looking at me,
Tutting and shaking its head.

Pumping kids full of saccharine,
Sweet and polite.
Stifling opinions;
Momma's always right.

Filling teens up with adrenaline.
Inhaling their orciprenaline,
Taking their societal medicine.
Routines to keep them aligned.

I've got a little inkling
In my lower gut
Telling me society is curling
whirling, twirling and swirling-


All these kids from the same politically relevant muck.

Unflawed minds seek a destiny no other mind can dream to crave for,
Understand things no other mind would bother learning.
These unflawed minds know no boundaries,
And by that law they are suppressed.

Suppressed minds dare to dream!

I don't expect you to understand
why I stain my sheets with scarlet drops
Or why I melt at the slightest touch-
liquid mercury mindset,
A heart with the glowing lights of xenon.

I don't want you to understand
why my veins burn like crushed up stardust-
milkyway IV drip..

I just want you to see that I feel it ALL-
And I cannot understand a second of it,
nothing I do is within reason anymore.

I just want you to see me
like I see you.

Dina ögon påminner mig om galaxen, färgglad och djup.
Ditt leende är solskenet, eftersom det lyser genom gott och dåligt.
Och ditt hjärta ... Åh, hur det sprider sig.
Hjärtans vänlighet slår som pinnar på en ståltrumma, vibrerar och slår mot alla som hör det med känslor. Du är en krusning i tiden men din mening går klart igenom minnen från alla andra. Du är min vän och du är min gåva. Det här är min gåva till dig.
Jag är glad att vi träffades. Jag hoppas att din krusning gör att du gör något omöjligt.
----------------------------------
To Cat, because she understands.

I wake up tired. Stinging, aching, burning, Sore-
good morning, ceiling
of drywall sky.
I wish I could curl up, warm, tight, soft, light-
goodbye, life.
I'm ready to die.

"Not yet, you have stuff to do today"

He chants in whispy grounded words.
Wordy biting, chilling curse:
Imaginary friend of mine, a lifeline all the same.
Whisper what you want from me, don't leave! I'm not a game.

He played me yet again, I see.
I'm as alive as any gal can be.
I went through days waiting for him,
but he only comes when the sky is drywall.
When my world is aching, quaking, shaking- Melting at the touch.
He only comes when I need a hero,
SuperStagnant, comin' in for the clutch.
I hate you.
Yet I need you.
We saved me,
Now I'll leave you.
-----------------------------------------------
------------­--------------------
For Christopher, my imaginary friend since I was 9. I miss you.

Coffee colored crayons next to creamy colored mugs
Coffee shop delights and simple demonic insights.
I inquire on them both:
How dare the simple innocence of a child sipping cocoa
Disrupt emotions vividly to lead into insanity..-
Simplicity.
Eventually we all crack-don’t you see?
Cocoa turns to ash,
And child into druggie trash
Don’t you see? We all Crack; Crash; Smash and Bash-
Our sanity is fragile like glass
And it’s mallet is simply time.
Don’t you see?? It’s simply-
Simplicity
We all Crack; Crash; Burn.
The blood inside our hearts-
Now our veins,
Now our arms.
The blood inside our hearts moves until a force stops it.
Taking pill to mouth, finger to bottle, pill to mouth. Again. Again.
Stop it- The insight into the truth is getting harder and harder to swallow.
Now take a walk down the block of gravel and rock
The clock ticks down your time.
You aspire to be no more, I see-
Well, others aspire to see.
To speak.
To even breathe again.
Your freedom is hitting the end of it’s road;
Mallet of time cracks the clock-
You fall.
People mourn a death, the break in time.
But little do they hear their own TICK.
We ALL Crack; Crash and Burn.
-----------------------------------------------------------­---------------Another one!
Dedicated to Cat. I’ll find you again, friend. I promise.
Thank you.

Overgrown and uprooted, replanted and shocked.
Wilted and winded, ripped and picked.

So I left and I learned and I lived, laughed and grew.
Blended learning over grass stained blue jeans
And splattered paint on my Nikes.

Cut my hair and dyed my skin, pierced my lips and ripped my skirts.
Chrysalis, born but not aged;
Broken but not bathed in it.

And Yet!
I have moved foreword in life.
I’ve moved and I feel reborn.

The tree bursts from its seed, grasping for the warm glow of light shimmering just above the brown waves of soil holding it down.

It reaches higher still towards the canopy of flame-coloured leaves that ignited just months after it's first release from Earth.

The tree's roots dig deep underground, bracing the tree for the cold and harsh flurries of white gold that will soon frost every surface visible to the bright blue sky above.

Frozen in time, dormant in this pale wonderland, it waits.

It's first leaves come and go as the harsh winds and flooding rains of spring fall- The weight growing, growing-
Vanishing.

The heat causes all flooding and weight to fall away, leaving the small tree to burst with blooms of lime, forest, and celery green.

And it now holds personality,
Able to finally build a life and home in it's branches.
<SUMMER>
The winds brush against her bark, a blue bird borrows in her arms, for they are a welcoming home for her babes, a squirrel stores his acorns beside her
thickening roots, and she ages another year.

The leaves shiver and shake as the brown tire swing rocks under the weight of me.
Quoting lyrics from my favorite bands and reading passages from my favorite books, I feel my soul age another year.


The cycle begins again...
With changes.

Fall includes hot cider and light reading under her flaming colors.
I build her an army of snowmen to keep her company as we nap through winter.
In spring I plant some flowers nearby, and they admire your ancient bark.
And in the summer we start again, my days spend singing and reading to you.



And then I was gone and you continued to flourish,
Year after year and season after season.

Inhaling clouds to excuse your lies;
High erupts in a fog of shattered and false hopes but only I,
and I am lonely as a drop of rain before the connect,
can hope to revive a high of shattered happiness.
Drop, cut, swoop down from your
pedestal of Narc and join society
before your shattered high of lies destroy your face and cut down your faith.
Join me before you bleed all your blood and fall(DOWN); In a heap you’ll lay.
Decay.
You’re destined to decay.

My world is whispering
PRAYERS
For every lost soul
I could not
TOUCH,
Because I was
SO
Lost myself.

Caught like silk in rose thorn agony,
I pull my arm free of your chains.
Streams of diluted delusions flow from behind my eyes
As they stare into yours, searching, pleading for answers.

Your newest **** waltzes out of my room,
Bare legs and arms like fresh globs of cream,
A quivering voice of lavender.
"Darling?"
You consume her with your eyes,
What we were long forgotten.

Having my answers, I take my leave.
Shedding layers of bandages and spackle,
I let myself feel how you've hurt me.

Was she worth it?
I don't wanna know.

Rushing downhill around thin, swirling roads-
I close my eyes and exhale everything you've done.
The Release.
My chevy smashes through the guardrail,
My skull takes a jolt to the wheel,
-
And I fly into the abyss,
Free as a bird.

In the Process:
Retouching the paint
Of a friendship and
A love,
Once forgotten
But now found.

During that, don't you know!
Something old, Whithered, burnt...
Is now
Found.
Someone old
Brings back a someone even older.
Someone corrupt.
Someone who is cracking me without a word spoken.

I look away, thoughts racing in my skull.
(Indie 100 track!
Vroom,
Speed of sound.
121 gigawatts power this
THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMP THUMPing
Heart of mine.

His real and true first lie
Was an L.

So much care-
In a phase of phantom ghosts
Scraping the insides of this skull.

So much thought-
No sleep Sundays,
Running miles into the night.
Glancing onto Monday morning,
Chug some life into my soul
and
Hop on the bus.

So much energy-
Calling me at knifepoint,
200 pills to count
On the cusp of the gorgeous linoleum mattress-
Head cradling cell,
Musical sobs begging me
NOT TO,
Blood seeping into white dishtowels,
and pills...
Down my throat.

Then I hop on the bus.

A was the second lie, fine as silk.
**** my emotions.
I'm done.
Memories are blending into his face.

My whole life is racked with sobs.

That broke me;
A honeycomb humility.

Those words you said, simple but-

I almost left this Earth.

You shrugged it off.

And nowadays I understand.

But dude, I still can't take a pill
Without my brain
Shrinking that tube in my throat-

PTSD:
Throwing knives at walls,
Remembering.

The light streaming through the crystal clear glass doors-
warming our skin, igniting our giggles.
But we did not freeze in time.
We were engraved in my memory to remember.
33 months since I last held you close.
147 weeks since your smile held me captive.
1032 days, 24,756 hours
and 1,485,414 minutes
Since that moment where time was still infinite.
Tomorrow was still tomorrow,
Not two years ago today.
89,124,860 seconds
and I still crave what we had.

Imagine if you had loved me like I loved you.
Where would we be now?

Dimmed lights, yellow aura.
The gentle rhythm of a Paul Anka classic
ROCKING
The baby-fragile atmosphere into a warm
Mood.

Fresh baked cookies
With a glass of whiskey
And a joint to knot it off.
Legs, smooth and airy, resting on her lap.
Head against the cushiony pillow of a
Couch armrest.
TV blarin', bop-bopping your head to your own beat.

A breeze sways through the room, swiping my hair lightly.
Everything is so perfect, it's almost comedic.

I rest my arms on my chest, dizzy on life.
Focused on the future.
And sidewalks.
And watercolor yellow on the pink road.
And black letters- signed forgeries.
And your warmth, ****** heat wafting through us.

Your long, gold waves wiggle as you laugh at my expression.
Jeans taunt and creased, sweater far gone, only you
In your graphic T.


Our hands extend, meet, and we hold tight.
I know,
No matter what they say...
You, my lovely Kylee, are my soul.
Maybe not my soulmate, but my soul.
My every and all.

We'll laugh until our ribs crack, smile until our cheeks bruise, and
Stay up so long the sky looks like the scent of Fuschia.

Because the ecstasy of our happiness reigned.
Because I love you.

-Because-

Twinkling north star and a dusty rose sunset. Shades of neon orange and yellow, fading to periwinkle and pastel blue. And straight above, deep dark purple-black sky.

You wasted over a month
Of the life I never wanted
Making me believe
YOU DID.

Ice biting at the tips of my fingers
throwing children towards the sky-
Far too early do they fly,
And far to early do they die
-------------------------------------------------------------­--------------------------------------
Happy Halloween!

February 26th, I wrote a poem in Swedish. Here is the same poem, but translated. Enjoy<3
--------------------------------------------
Your eyes remind me of the galaxy, colorful and deep.
Your smile is the sunshine, because it shines through good and bad.
And your heart ... Oh, how it's spreading.
The kindness of your heart strikes like sticks on a steel drum,
vibrates and hits every person who hears it with emotion.
You are a ripple in time but your meaning clearly goes
through the memories of everyone else. You are my friend and you are my gift. This is my gift to you.
I'm glad we met. I hope your ripple makes you do something impossible.

1.
He believes he can have my
Heart and Soul
And cradle them in between his soft fingers.
He asks to let him teach me
how to hold my
Heart and Soul
On my own.
He believes we can handle the
Flames and Mayhem
That come with loving me.

2.
Insomnia is a lonely battle,
reading texts again and again like
Scripture.
Bowing my head, whispering in a demurral tone,
Praying for silence to take the reigns.
But He pings my cell...
He calls and we talk until the sun slivers through.
We chitter till I can no longer hold myself
And I fall asleep.

3.
Isolation.
It's a virtue that all must gain at some point
In their gap of existence.
Isolation creates patience.

But my legs tap-tap-tapping in this
Isolated quarantine
Pull my body into a pace;
My chest is an empty cavern
and it bumps and thumps like a race between ravens.
They soar and swoop and rock my body back
and forth.
They Flutter-Flutter-CATCH their prey.

Anxiety no longer at bay.
Tears... A bitter cliche.

And then you hold me- not a touch.
A word in our world that shines like the day.
The sun of your smile, the pool of your eyes,
The fall leaves in piles, our laughter to the skies.

4 (And Final).
Two wrongs can't make a right,
So why is our damage such a delight?
My panics, manics, freakouts.
Your lockdown, shut down, hideaway-
Let's build our souls, day by day.
One after another and maybe we'll stay
Just as it is, nothing else could say-
He said that she said that we said that they said
We'll lose it, so we laugh it away.

And now, as they say, somewhere far... FAR away, Au revoir ma chérie.
---------------------------------
I love you. And even if we break up, Michael,
you know that I'll always hold a place for you inside my soul.
Thank you for your honesty, your loyalty,
and your help when I hit rock bottom.
You're amazing and now the world knows<3

Once, we were told to live our lives. In childhood likely; I wouldn't know as I was busy living mine.

I need you to help me breathe
Again.
I sat there choking on the thought of losing
Us,
Yet I let those words come out of your
Mouth.
I miss you.
But I know when I **** up.
So I'll let you go...
But-

Warm milk
Tired eyes
No anxiety
Full tummy
Full comfort
In your arms
Drifting, yes,
Slowly but surely.