It's not black, like everyone tells you
It's a very odd kind of gray
With a touch of light even
Some parts clean
Some parts stained

They all make it seem like a romanticised hell
To me it doesn't even look like that
To me it looks like home
Familiar and yet so alone

I see the sunlight and the floor
The soft sheets on the bed
The lines of lights that come through the door
All the tears made the pillow wet
That didn't matter though  

Once in a while
I drive past that house
I try to see my bedroom window
But my brain just shuts it out
It wasn't even the worst room of all
But this one, was where I howled

Memories are like a story
A book that lost some pages
Through the garden, through the hallway
You go through all the different places
Nostalgia and fear
Are a combination with some monstrous faces

During the nights I was afraid
But the days
Those were the ones that really should be feared
Maybe that's why I now love the night
During the day I always bleed

A never ending maze.
An unsolvable case.

Cries in the night.
Cyanide should work out fine.

Such a long time
But I still can't see the light.

So alone in this world
I actually need the hurt.

Suicidal as hell
Ever since I fell.

And maybe I will cry tonight
Or maybe I will die tonight.

I can't get up
The struggle is too real
Should go take a shower
Wash my hair
And it'll be fine.
But the thoughts in my head
Do not agree
Stay here,
inside you're dead.
Stay in the couch
It's safer here.
But I wanna get up
And do something useful
'cause I already am
so cruel to myself.
Haven't showered in days
But why should I care about that
anyways?
Thinking about
Sliding the knife across my skin
Would it then
be better within?
No, yes, I don't know
The thoughts in my head
make me feel like I'll explode
Help me, help me
I want control.
I wanna take a shower
get out of this hole.

I can't do this
Not alone
But waiting for you
to get back
makes me feel bad even more.
I wanna do it for you
So we can go to the store
Go shopping together
I want even more

I want to lay here with you,
actually smelling nice
Because I feel so useless.
Couldn't even do the dishes
Couldn't even clean the house
It's so hard for me
Don't have the energy
But I know that I should
I just have to get up,
but see,
there's that problem again..

Sometimes I go back
to the deepest part of my mind.
Where everything is black
and self hate is all I can find.

It scares me to know
that sometimes I can't control
how my mind can blow
into one ******* hole.

Don't start thinking,
don't start thinking.
Oh, wait.
I'm already doing that.

I can get so sad
Not like other people do
It's really really bad
I can only share it with you.

Always at the borderline
testing out
to see if you're still mine

While I don't want this at all
If I lose you,
I can tell you, I will fall.

Again, not like other people.
With me, it's different
and it will always be that way.

And god, I can get so happy
To the point where everything I say is sappy
but that doesn't matter
'cause I will always be, at the borderline.

No one hates me more than I hate myself.
I wanna get up, get razors from a shelve.
Depression hits me again
sadness, is my new friend.
Everything scares the hell out of me
can’t do anything right
voices screaming
I can’t stand up and fight.
I should’ve died
the first time I tried.
But they locked me up
in a place so dark
I could not breathe.
Scars never stay,
they always fade away.
It ***** because I was getting better
but I think I’ll stay in darkness forever.
Voices come in,
don’t leave me alone.
I’m dead inside.
Nothing but bones.
Don’t know how to talk
can’t communicate at all
only through writing
but who wants to read this ****?

Enjoying it
For as long as it takes.
Trying to believe you
When you say this isnt fake.

You mean so much to me.
You're my hero, best friend.
You have a piece of me.
I just dont want this to end.

I'm so afraid
Paralysed with fear
That you will leave me
That you won't always be near.

Because you make me so happy.
Like I can fight the whole world.
This poem though, is getting sappy.
So I will leave it with these last words.

I wish I could stay
I didnt wanna go
But I need to be home
Far, far away.

Missing you is so hard right now
And the week hasn't even started yet.
I'm so afraid that the distance will make you forget.
Make you forget me somehow.

I dont know how to do this without you.
Seeking distriction
Gives no satisfaction
Because it's not you and what you do.

Tears falling down
Since I stepped on this train
The pain will remain
Until I'm with you friday night.