You see misery,
standing in front of you.
You walk away,
and never tend to come back.

You see joy,
attracting you like gravity,
you hold him tight,
and would never let go.

You see me now,
Neither gravity nor repulsion,
You stand in front of me.
Look in the eyes and,
Fade away.

I know, I can't feel you,
but the feeling I have for you...
is the most beautiful.

I know, I can't hear you call out,
but if I have had,
I would hold you forever.

Why do I love you,
when I don't even love myself.
I can see the only intention,
me holding your hand...

I don't want to let you leave,
but how would you know that...
You would walk away,
but I will love you, darlin'.

Like the dead, I stood
In the dark and storm.
My blood flowed through,
In chevron, the cold soil.

On that night,
I rued the days,
That, as the broken heart,
Perished in the dark through.

How would I know,
That you remember...

But you too like me, stood there,
In the dark and the rain.
A tear drop, which fell with the blue,
On your red face.

And the warm embers were next.

If you were there,
I would've believed the lies you rained.
But when you said you were there for me,
I believed the moment was a flood of lies you caused.

If you didn't mean to hurt me,
I would've bore all your pain to just hurt myself.
But when you cried out and begged it,
You just did exactly what killed me more.

If you were loyal to me,
I would've never left you, ever.
But when you said it,
I peeked through, and there your man stood, smiling.

If you loved me,
I would've died, but never leave.
But when you told me you love me,
Thought I'd rather die than stay.

'Cause all I were to you,
were just your lying tears.

I just try to keep
myself busy so that I
don't feel anything

11:40 PM
20/3/21

At a funeral recently, a cremation along with my young niece
Whose a Vegan and very environmentally conscious
I was telling her "I wouldn't like to be cremated, it's too much like 'going to hell' to me"
Then she says she'd like to be cremated herself, that it'd be her preferred choice, that it'd be the most environmentally friendly way to go
I said to her "Would you not like to be buried in one of those nice wicker basket type coffins that the environmental people like
I thought that's the kind of thing you'd be into"
She said No! I wouldn't like them, the thought of worms and other creepy crawlies crawling in on top of me, all over me Ugh! I couldn't bear that.

Oh I said, No! just give me a nice quiet church graveyard, lovely and peaceful
With the yew trees nice and shady and the birds singing softly, somewhere lovely and quiet way out in the country
It'd be so relaxing
"Well", she said,"you won't know, sure you'll be dead".
"My soul it'll be reposing", I corrected her cheerily.

Then I said "Y'know I think I saw this TV programme  once where you could have music playing in your coffin
Something over in America, could only be in America LoL
I went on dreamily, "Y'know I think I'm getting younger as I grow older
I've put away all my old Black Sabbath records
Now I've started listening to Taylor Swift instead, she has some great songs that girl, great videos too
I think I'll have Taylor Swift singing to me in my coffin
I'll go boppin' into the next world, the next life with Taylor, hand in hand
I could even put some posters of her up on the inside of my coffin.

Look! I said to my niece pointing to a few hairs on the front of my head
I think my quiff it's starting to grow back again. Elvis here I come!!!

You hear this all the time now, this Bucket List business
People in my own country suddenly have a Bucket List
Something you never heard tell of before
They talk about it like it was something that was always there
Even the feckin' cat's probably got a Bucket List,
Think it all started with that movie (of the same name) a few years ago
It was the first time I ever heard the expression.

I was thinkin'
The only bucket I ever knew was probably like the old song
It had a Big Hole in it
Life seemed to me to be a big rip off a lot of the time
Wasn't much beauty that I could see
Cold mornings, and even colder faces looking back at you
A bucket might have come in handy though... to get sick in
Or to *** in when you'd be drunk which was a lot of the time
Sometimes you'd get so drunk, I probably would have trod in my bucket and then gone clanking around
Heh! they'd probably yell, What's all that noise down there, we're trying to get some sleep up here
Don't worry I'd shout back, it's just me! Just Me and my ******' bucket
Some of the things I did and the places I ended up in
It'd be so embarrassing, you'd feel like maybe putting your bucket over your head.

No! There weren't too many bottles of champagne ever in my bucket
Only a few that I alone knew about, private little victories... private little parties I had
That I'd keep quiet, only between... just me... just me and myself.

And getting older then, the whole thing was... the whole thing was just trying to stay alive, trying to survive
Yea! Trying not to kick the ******' bucket altogether... to hang on in there somehow.

Bucket List indeed...
The only bucket I ever knew.