We text
We text on our phones all the time
In fact, we have a group message
And we all just share useless words
It's all **** anyways, isn't it?
You know whatever you text
Isn't going to be listened to.
People will see it. People will read it.
But people won't listen to it
We're all selfish when texting
Mostly
So when you rant about your problems
And people ask if you're okay
And you say yeah but I'm okay now
You're just ******* avoiding texting
A long paragraph on how things really are
Because, it's so long, and who would really read every word as if it were pouring out of your bleeding heart right?
You text your friends and that's the problem
Your friends say something funny
And you reply "****"
But they can't really hear your snorting laughter behind a screen
They can't see your smile, or your anger
Emotions are lost in translation,
And it's just like when you text about your feelings, they won't see the tears either, will they?

I slumped down in a chair, spun it around
Slid the test I took back and forth, eyes tearing up
You aren't going to eat lunch? he asks
I say no, I mean academics is more important,
But it's not like I'm studying, or even looking at my test
He looks at me concerned, then goes back to his laptop
Part of me wants to scream.
**Thacker my family is falling apart and my mom is depressed and my dad leaves all the time and I still remember the gun shot, and I can't forget the words and I am just not functioning, and now I got a stupid grade on your test and my head hurts and I want you to know I don't hate you or your class I just don't like what's happening in my life right now and I'm taking it out on you, please help me.

I am thankful for all of you

The girl you saw today
Softly humming a tune
Tapping her fingers upon her desk
Eyes flitting around the room
Crooked yet white smile
With a nose she thinks is too fat
Taking in everything quietly
Wishing she was wearing a hat
Shoulders slightly slumped
From trying to hide the fact
That her feminine chest
Is about as flat as her back
Her hair is short and choppy
She has a tenseness about her
She's uncomfortable with her body
That girl you saw in the hall today
Only wanted to be friends
But being the opposite gender
That puts things to an end
You couldn't be friends with her,
After all she is a she
That girl you saw around today
I can say that was me.

No matter how hard I try to sweep my mind clean
I'll always think of you as the bad guy,
The scary man who introduced me to fear
True fear, fear that has you on your knees, pleading
And no matter how much you apologize,
You'll never make it 'normal' for me, her, us

You look at her and you think,
Man she's pretty
But you don't know the half of it
And I doubt you looked closely
I doubt you noticed the green and grey flecks in her blue eyes
And I doubt you noticed the way the left corner of her mouth goes down while the right side flips up when she is half way between smile and a smirk
Did you notice the tiny smile lines by her eyes when she laughs?
What about how soft her cheeks are?
And I'm sure you never got to feel how soft her lips are
Did you spot the freckle on the right ridge of her ear?
I doubt you listened closely enough to her laugh
I doubt you were lucky enough to hear
Because if you were, you'd be laughing too

All of these bits and more add up to create her
And I'm lucky enough to get to see and feel and experience those bits
Her world is one I could stay inside forever
Because I know I would never get bored
And I would always find something new
To love.

It's strange how we chase things
That end up harming us in the end

It's like we are climbing a wall
that we won't get to the top off,
but we keep climbing it
because we strive to make it to the top, and the thrill of the climb
makes it that much more exciting

And suddenly I was not me
I was standing objectively out
Watching people **** their bodies
Awkwardly pleading for someone
To notice. Dancing is a plea, and I,
I wasn't dancing

I could say things are relatively the same as last year,
But they are not.
We've grown, I've grown
I feel myself thinking more maturely
There are some things that were an option last year,
That will never be an option again,
I have grown to realize that I can't be lazy enough
To let myself slip away again,
Last year, people, me included, were love sick,
Desperately seeking affection, love, care,
But this year I think we all know we are loved,
And that that person will come around one day,
That it doesn't have to be now
I could say it just another year of high school,
But it is somehow completely different

I like that when I'm up high I can see the city lights. The lights of downtown. They are symbolic lights, so distant. They remind me of my aspirations in life. They stand tall in the distance and beckon me to push forward.

Except recently the lights don't seem as strong. They flicker faintly and bleed into the blackness of night. So it's just me up here. Straining to see the skyline, but ultimately it just fades quicker.

It's nights like these when I worry if one day I'll be up here like this, staring desperately to the city, only to find the lights have faded completely. Leaving behind nothing but empty blackness.

Never thought the flood would come
Even though I felt the rain

You are low
And you hurt me
In ways you'll
Never know

Maybe she's not as confident
As she thought she was

While I am content and happy with the way things are,
I want to do something crazy, something spontaneous,
Something, who knows, maybe I'll regret later
But I want to live in the moment, I want to enjoy the *now

But how pathetic do you feel when everything in the present is fine
But the experiences you locked away in your mind keep reoccurring

It was dangerous I'll admit
But there was a rush
This living excitement
Two hearts pounding
Each for a different reason
And yes I fell
And it hurt me
But I tried again
Because it mattered to me

And there will be some days
When you feel like the rocks,
Weighing everyone else down

These beige walls don't inspire
They suppress natural human desire
Common curiosity is extinguished
Creative thinking becomes abolished
Daydreams are the only way out
Creep back into our minds, doubt
Sunlight is blocked, life stagnant
What we experience? Only a fragment

If I could pour my heart
anymore into these songs
I would bleed to death

You see the smile that's on my mouth
It's hiding the words that don't come out
And all of my friends who think that I'm blessed
They don't know my head is a mess
No, they don't know who I really am
And they don't know what I've been through like you do
And I was made for you...

All of these lines across my face
Tell you the story of who I am
So many stories of where I've been
And how I got to where I am
But these stories don't mean anything
When you've got no one to tell them to
It's true... I was made for you

The skeletons of the things I have given up remain in the closet of my mind collecting dust
Things that once held such importance, such promise, such wonder are now discarded pieces of brighter life
Times pointless arrow destroys the new things that try to make a home here
All of the wonderful, beautiful things I have loved and built an imaginary life on are busted and broken
I doubt my fingers remember how to hold a pencil in a way that could sketch a new world to escape to
And that’s just one

I think some of the worst things we say say to day
Are shut up and I don't care
Telling someone to shut up is so awful, when thought about
You are literally telling them to stop talking,
Training them to silence themselves
And telling someone you don't care,
Well that's almost the same,
Because having feelings towards something
Means you care
And saying you don't care means you have no feelings
Towards the thoughts, the emotions of the other person
And that, no matter how trivial,
Can really hurt people

April is the cruelest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain

I hate to use the word depressed
To describe my recent feelings
Because I have a friend who
Is severely depressed and struggling
And I feel like someone with my
Minor problems, shouldn't even use that word

Nine year old didn't know about the word popular
Ten year old was climbing trees and breaking limbs
Eleven year old wasn't thinking about her sexuality
Twelve year old had magical, adventurous whims
Thirteen was introverted, awkward, but confident
Fourteen was extroverted, but began her downfall
Fifteen was self destructive, confused, and anxiety
What will sixteen bring? Will she continue down?
Or is this the point when she turns it around

Don't let me slip now
Please let the ground
Stay firm against my feet
I can already hear the cracking
And I can see the deathly cold
Water still below
My feet keep shuffling on
Eyes glued to the ice

You always hear of the first place winners
The people who got what they want
But no one ever talks about third place
No one ever congratulates third place
They follow the winners around,
Desperately trying to catch up, chasing
But they will always be the number three
Third to be noticed, third wheel
There is only one time and place
They manage to come in second
And that is, *second best

I looked in the mirror and decided I don't look twelve anymore
I look thirteen

I started off writing a poem today
I started off writing a poem today that turned into a suicide note.. poem
A beautiful one
In fact, I didn’t even realize it was a goodbye until I typed the last line
And when I finished I sat up
And wondered what was next
I wasn’t stressed
I wasn’t angry
I just was

Maybe the reason I’m not stressed about the future is because I think I won’t have one
Or maybe It’ll all go away
That’d be great
If it all went away
I just want it
To all go away

This* is what happens when you've been slightly abused since childhood. You go through every day slapping bandaids on cuts too deep to fix. You convince yourself that being depressed or being suicidal is your fault. You giggle away the larger pains you've repressed for years, and when it comes up you always seem to make light of the situation. You say that it actually "wasn't that bad" and call yourself a wimp for feeling that way. You always play it down. You always say less than you should've. You leave friends, parents, and doctors thinking you had a touch of "the blues", and you laugh it off with the doctor as they say "I had the blues once too, it's temporary". And you pray she's right but you can't help but feeling belittled. You can't help but feel like you should've said more. You should've been more graphic, more desperate. That's exactly what abuse teaches you. It teaches you to normalize every pain in your life. It teaches you to make light of some of the darkest places you've ever been in. It teaches you to go in your theatre teacher's room and laugh and giggle and smile and say "no but it's fine.". It teaches you to shut up and take it and force it into a regular thing. This is what happens when you don't feel justified. This is what happens when you don't feel anything and everything at the same time.

This summer will be mountains
Smooth and smoky across the land
Cool and blue gentle breezes
Take a look, your mind eases
This summer will be mountains
Tall and great, alpine meadows
Rocky snowy majestic might
I'll be awed in such a sight
This summer will be mountains
Cold creeks, fir trees, camp fires too
Road trips, starry skies, all with you

I've never felt this comfortable being gay

Show me you care* she said

I want to write something extremely personal
But then again that's a terrible idea.

Do you ever feel an invisible tug towards someone?

You have to be strong
You have to pretend it doesn't hurt
You have to pretend it doesn't bother you

She dances on the edge of cliffs because she would rather death invite her

Is anyone else in love with thunderstorms?
Does anyone else like the gentle drips before it begins,
Like finger tips softly touching your skin
Or the low rumbles before it starts
And the dark sky low and full
The rain comes, soft or hard, streams of water falling
Puddles forming, all other noises seem to disappear
It has captured your full attention
Now you see a quick flash of lightening
You count the seconds under your breath
one Mississippi  two Mississippi  three Mississippi
Crash! or maybe its a Boom!
All different noises. Never the same.
My heart races every time I hear the low rumble
Or the pitter patter of rain

I was on a tight rope balancing
And for a while I stood there
Flailing my arms, about to fall
And now that I've found my footing
I have to make sure I won't ever
Lose it again

I keeping thinking I need more time
Time to think, time to accept, just time

I'm tired
I'm tired when I come home, tired when I wake up
I'm tired of writing about the same old thing
I'm tired of writing about wishing about future
I'm tired of writing about love, especially love that never happened
I'm tired of writing about mountains,
I'm tired
I want to be bright, I want to be great, I want to be loved, and I want to be there.

I  want to wrap you up in a blanket burrito
Sit you in front of a roaring bonfire
And remind you of how amazing you are