High school, the best years of your life
I would love to know why
All I do is stress stress stress
Worry about the zeros in my class's
Procrastinating the project till the night before
Ruining my body in track and basketball
Talking sparingly to my friends at lunch
No more free time,
No more playing with outside,
No more anything
Time of my life?

You know, by law, that is psychological ****** abuse right?
I know
You know that is a form of child abuse right?
*I know

You say you want to kiss me
And I'm sure you really do
But you only want to kiss me
So I can admire you
You don't love me at all,
Obviously you're with him
I'm tired of being someone to use

When someone uses this word
It seems very funny  
But it's not funny.
Because this word is
Trying to define you
In one single derogatory
Word.
It's trying to wrap up
All of you're feelings
All of this hesitant love
And cram them into
One
Judgmental
**Word.

Yes dad I act like a boy
I guess acting like a lady
Felt a little too oppressed

The sun hasn't shown in weeks
Warm, golden rays a distant memory
The sky, a thick soup of grey
A stale breeze stirs the empty earth
Eyes searching for a hint of color
Twisted, barren branches reaching up,
Begging for something a grey sky could never give
I stand with them yearning, grasping
But in the end, I too stand lifeless.

I slipped under the hot blanket of water
Feeling enveloped, surrounded, consumed
It felt dark and warm and I felt closed, safe
But when I opened my eyes, I saw
That I was under a false impression of security,
And was just as naked and exposed as before.

The numbness has begun to fade
And now I descend into panic
As every single ******* thing
I've been through and never told
Every single thing I never
Had the chance to cry about
Every single ******* thing
I've held in since I was six
Is bursting at my seams,
And no amount of stitches
Can keep it from leaking out

Dear God,
IF he won't be a good husband when we leave
Please please please
Let him hurt me
So then I'll know to tell someone
I don't mind God
I can take anything he throws at me
(Literally)
So if he won't be a good husband,
Please let this happen to me
I'll be the one to get her out and to get him help

I want a man like you.
lol is it weird I'm in love with fictional characters?
They are what i dream about each night
Come walk, lurking in the shadows, come closer
come closer to me. I like your mysterious heart,
Your complicated ways, i am secretly yours
Come open your heart and soul for me.
Tell me what has hardened them, ill fix it.
Shh be soft for me. I can show you how to love.
I go for the underdogs. The ones who need
LOVE the Most. Because i feel a connection.
I have so much love to give. And i want you.
I want you to have it all. Because people haven't
liked or loved you and i know you are
SECRETLY BEAUTIFUL

Two AM, curl in a ball
Knees to chest, thoughts invade
Memories, hate, pressure
Tears from the recent trauma
Inner pain, invisible to daylight
Day light, I tolerate myself
Night, the hate comes back
Grab the temporary, pain reliever
one cut
I'm stupid
two cut
I'm hideous
three cut
My grades are slipping
four cut
perfect for dad
five cut
dad
six cut
I'm a terrible friend
seven cut
I have no excuses
eight cut
I'm ugly
nine cut
Focus on the blade,
Not my trouble
ten cut
Repeat steps 1-10
Until I forget what was killing me
But remember,
There will always be a reminder
The scars on my wrists are gone
The scars on my thighs are new
The scars haven't  formed
On my stomach yet

In speech today we had to write about the perceptions of ourselves
I knew we would not read all of the,m out loud,
So I filled the list of words that described me
More than half were self hatful words, I've always thought of myself
Last night someone told me they cut themselves,
I hope they never do it again, because it's a terrible thing,
I would know because  I had cut myself right before her text
Seeing her text snapped me out of it, which made me hate myself even more
Why? People ask, do people cut themselves?
It is a pain to distract from the pain one is enduring at the moment
However, it is only temporary, leaving behind ugly scars
It's simple to do, especially with a pocket knife in your desk
I'm a terrible person

Even if no one believes me
Forgiveness is the greatest thing we have
How can anyone sit on a throne and condemn others when they also sin every single day.
It's in no ones place to judge.
But we are all human, and we all will.
**Just remember it was Christ who hung out with the prostitutes, liars, cheaters, thiefs and heretics.

I only wonder do you feel it when our eyes lock?

Friend dates, winks, iffy texts
No doubt potential is everywhere
But I'm not chasing any of it
My energy is gone, and I've learned
To get over the fact no one will
Pick me up and hold me at this point
And I'm trying to make that okay
Maybe slowly it's starting to work?

Every single part of my body
Shakes vigorously with
Anger, sadness, depression
My hands tremble aggressively
And I put my shirt in my mouth
So he won't hear me scream
******* and what you did to us
And I lay half naked on the floor
Of my locked room sobbing violently
When is it too much to handle

A slight breeze
Tall soft grass
Sun shining
Birds chirping
Soft noise of
Tall grass rustling
Close your eyes
Only to open them
And see darkness
Hear your bedroom
Fan turning.
It was a dream...
******.

I'm a little ******* up
A little self focused
A little self hating
A little bit jealous
A little bit confused
A little bit gay
A little bit straight
A little in love
But a little out too
A little messed up
But I'm enjoying every minute

Stripes lined your body
Blood poured out of You
Crown of Thorns
Whips of metal
Nails of steel
Pain beyond belief
I can't express my relief
You took my lashes
You took my cross
You Saved me. Savior.
Everytime I sin,
Is another lash on your back
Another slap on Your face
Another spit on your robe
You took it for me.
You loved me that much.
That. That is love without limits.

There are times when I think I am beautiful
But those times have never been in a bathing suit

So I thought something
But now I'm starting to think
Was I wrong

I need someone who can look at a tree
And appreciate every leaf growing
I need someone who will take the time
To walk and look at the mountains
I need someone who focuses on happy
And searches for the color in things
I need someone who will dive in
And explore oceans of possibilities

My New Years resolution is to stay alive
But we all know how those go

When I'm sad I'll drive to the store
Except I won't go right to the store
I pass the houses with Christmas lights
Or the small shops of the old town
Where things are light with color
And when I see all the people,
I'm not so lonely anymore

Because I have put literally all of my focus on other people
Because every day I remind her she's strong and pretty
Because I go around reminding other people how great they are
I don't have any compassion left for myself, and even if I did
While I'm building everyone's clay model, perfecting that image
No one has been there to just ask how I'm doing,
But its fine, I truly do enjoy helping others,
It would just be nice if people put in as much effort as I do
To, not to sound selfish, but show they care

Do you ever have that dream
When you kiss that guy?

Yeah me neither...

Every single bit of drive
The dream that once propelled me forward
Working vigorously, trying to reach it
Thinking I could reach it
Now seems just that. A dream.
And I feel as though I've let down
Every single person I see
And the motivation is all gone,
Because what am I working for?
Please tell me, what am I working for
If he's right, then what am I doing
Shouldn't I give up
Shouldn't I stop
Shouldn't I just fill in the role
Of the dissappoinment
we all knew would happen

I am a bisexual, crazy teenage girl
I dream about horses and bears,
I like long hot baths, but cold showers
I am wild about snow and cold
I'll do any dare anyone ever asks
(I've never turned down a dare)
I have seen crazy **** from my parents
I have heard crazy **** from them too
I love morning cartoons,
And I love breakfast for dinner
I like running my *** off
(Or whatever much of an *** I have)
I'll do anything to prove I'm as good as a boy
I consider myself daring as ****
I'm a terrible writer, with a dream
I just want to be kissed,
(Even though I'm just warming up to it)
I have emotional connections to horses
I have cut myself on my wrists, thighs, and stomach
I think I am extremely unattractive
I miss my long hair
I'll do anything to make someone smile

Only when people are gone
Do you realize how much
You rely on them

Can you tell it's taken a toll on me physically
Can you see the fog inside my head if,
I am brave enough to make to make eye contact
My body is literally breaking down

I want to fall in love, But that's too vague
I want to go to jazz clubs that are dark inside with neon lights and a tiny stage with swing music and cocktails and dancing
I want to dance but I want to dance with a man in a suit, and I in a dress that flows beautifully when I twirl
I want to walk the city at night and feel completely safe and hold hands without sweating too much
All of these things, but quite simply just **love

Maybe I'm not as strong as they say I am
Maybe I'm not as strong as I say I am

I like keeping things in and away
But my eyes don't lie, and people can see

I am beaten down, worn out, utterly emotionally and mentally exhausted
And a giant weight sits on my shoulders that I carry around all the time
A choice I have to make. Do I break what's already broken, or leave it to break others

Dear people in hard times:
I know your situation is unique
And there are people willing to listen
But the one person willing to listen,
Wanting to love you more than anyone else
Has appointments available anytime, day, or hour
So stop by and have a talk with Him
I forgot to mention He's omnipresent!
So you can talk to Him anytime
In bed, in school, anywhere!
And He's great for a talk or prayer,
Because all he wants is to be your friend
So take this wonderful opportunity
Talk to God today!
He will lift the burden off your shoulders
If you love and believe in Him,
You will get a free life-everlasting!
Don't miss this offer!
He definitely doesn't want you to

Life is a tumbling sea of nauseous waves right now
Waves fueled by dreams I can't even begin to decode
Unless you take into consideration my worst fears

When the plane seems like it's nosediving
And you can't gain control
When the future worries you
Because of the past
Just shrug and smile and know
That few as they are,
There are people that truly care

I'm afraid I'm like the ocean
Always moving, changing
Never to be held in ones hands

Sure my dad says it outright
He wishes I were different
But what hurts the most
Is my own mother, lined with
Silent disapproval in her eyes
The frown lines on her face
What a beautiful woman
With a deep, hidden disgust
For her own daughter,
That's struggling to make her see
That she is suffering deeply
From the glares and stares,
From blank, emotionless faces

I should have known it all along
But now I see what was going on
Let me tell you how low and vile
How corrupted and ******* up
But you won't change will you?
You see no harm in what you did
But it's become apparent to me
Exactly what you want

You're crashing into me like waves on the coast
Every time we talk, you move in close
Wrecking ball dancing down the hallway
You're holding your shoes, wearing my shades
We fall against the door,
we fall into a wild warm kiss

"Hey wanna play a game like old times?"
*doesnt look up from her phone
"Mallory? Are you there?"
looks up, "huh? Wait what?"
The moment I begin to talk again,
Her eyes are consumed in the blue screen of 'her phone'
I shouldn't call it 'her phone'
Because the phone owns her.
Shut up and stop giving excuses like:
Oh I'm just catching up or,
Gotta get homework with friends or,
Hold up sec I promise...
I loved the excuse you gave today
"I'm just catching up with family"
What about ME?! Am I not your family?!
I'm your freaking sister!
But you sure as hell don't wanna catch up with me!
So.. How's your life been? All fine in group texts?
What about Instagram am I missing anything?
I'm so glad your perfectly content as if you have everything
As if all you need is in that slender rectangle of magic
Well you don't have one thing... ME!!!
I still want to play and hang out with you
I'm older. Normally that means I don't give a ****
Well not this big sis. I give one.
And everyday it pains me to see you sinking deeper
Into your hole of addiction. You it isn't. It is.
Even momma refers to you as a phone addict.
Your searching so desperately to find happiness in a screen
When all you need to do is look up at me staring right over you!
I've always waited patiently but now...
I think you aren't coming back to me.
The point is.. I Miss You.

the problem is,
i know theres something wrong
i know by the way i go from trying everything at once
to dropping it all in sullen silence
i know by the way my voice shifts from high pitch
to a monotonous quiet drone
i know when i lay in my bed staring at the ceiling fan
i know by the way i draw, play, sing, and dance
to laying on my couch, not really watching the tv
and i know mostly when i pray
for God to make the dreary go away

Everything in the air was toxic
The smoke consumed us all
Grey and green and black
My eyes barely open and my legs
Shaking, head completely cloudy
The smoke was even inside my mind
It swirled inside my brain and
Fogged up my vision as I inhaled
So much smoke
Everything in the air was toxic
Including your lips on mine for a second
Everything was grey too
The dim headlights on a gravel road
The trees were grey too, the sky
The poisonous exhaust in the beams of the headlights
The smoke coming from the four cigarettes on the ground and the smoke coming out of my mouth and yours
It was all toxic and it was all grey, and I don't regret doing it because I learned from it
In a way it was a poisonous kind of beautiful, that night
But the kind of poisonous that would **** you,
So I must not do it again

It's pouring now, but dim
Eerie blue light on my walls
Hum of the fishtank reverberating
Fan is creaking simply slow
My quilt does nothing for cold
But serves to only protect me
I am lonely. I am lonely.

April is the cruelest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring
Dull roots with spring rain

I'll stop the world and melt with you
You've seen the difference and it's getting better all the time

pave it over with cement
not a bandaid,
Maybe then it will heal