It's interesting to think of war and how it shows so much of the destruction others can do and how there's so much evil in war itself because there's no rules
only when u come back home do you come back to the structure of rules and regulations placed. You feel like a different person yet u have to pretend like nothing happened.
You have to forget things that have changed you because others don't understand what happened to you in war.
I guess there's the guilt and pain of loss.
Did you get to grief or are you holding in the grief? Have u forgiven yourself or those you had to leave behind?
There's so much balance needed in how you buried the pain that needs to come to light that made you who you are.

I guess what I'm sensing is there's a lot of unspoken things you wish you could express but haven't had a chance to say and it could feel like betraying ur family but it's really betraying yourself if you don't address what it is you had to let go of.
I also don't need to know it's between you but if you wanted to journal or just be in your thoughts,
I think it would help you sort what you may have suppressed.
You feel just as much as anyone and love even in your quiet state.
You aren't an inconvenience
Your voice matters.
When u find your voice you can tell others what you think and there will be no fear or doubt. Don't let your insecurities or conditions growing up dictate how u show up for yourself and others

My drive down was peaceful
I was on my own
Independent
Free from obligations

Expectations
Fun but shallow activities
No one talks
Games are a distraction
Cooking and eating is a task in itself

Am I the elephant in the room?
Everyone has expectations
We take photos
I’m the photographer
No one listens
Everyone’s talking
I’m dismissed
“I’m like why am I taking your photos if you can’t listen to my directions?”
Everyone is already triggered
Some want it to be over with
Some want more photos
Some don’t like the poses
Some want candid shots

I’m mean. I’m rude. I escalated. I’m the one everyone blames. Because of my energy. Because of my reaction. I’m also triggered.
I tell them you all can’t look at yourselves
You want to blame me
You won’t even apologize
Even now my spouse pretends he’s the good guy
I’m the crazy one

I don’t even care for my spouse
He’s just there
He made excuses for why he wouldn’t come the other day
It comes down to my reaction
Never his own faults

He’s the one who told me not to come on the trip
The kids had to choose between him or me
This trip I planned with my sister
A trip he didn’t help pack or support me with
I packed the kids things, the food
All he did was get himself ready
I’m used to doing it all

I remember I’m the scapegoat
In the family
In my marriage
No one wants to be uncomfortable
Yet I’m the one who has to keep performing
I’m the one blamed for my reactions
I’m the one who has to apologize
Everyone deflects
Everyone is unaware
I’m so tired
Sick of this environment
I’m the one who has to say sorry
No one else will I’m sure
It’s all so tiring

I’m reflecting
I am hurt
But I know they are too
I apologize when I’m ready
I’m overwhelmed and didn’t feel supported
They tell me they love me and hug me
It’s good to know we still love each other
There’s no resentment
I am content
For this moment I will enjoy
That….
We’re at peace
We’re a family

My kids
Broken home
If he won’t grow
I need to go
I can’t take on his pain

He’ll continue to hurt me
Hurt the kids with his pride

He lacks effort
He lacks responsibility
He lacks trust
He lacks love

I wish I could help him
Save him from himself
He doesn’t want my love
He doesn’t see my value
Doesn’t see the life we could have
Instead he pushes me away
He sabotages my soul
Puts it on me
Says me or him
We both can’t go on this trip
Making kids choose
Too young to understand
Too young to be broken

I was never the reason
I was a choice he chose not to prioritize

I took on his burdens
I thought he loved me
He couldn’t love himself

Going in circles
If I don’t give in
I’m made to stay small

I finally stood up for myself
I said no more
I screamed
I yelled
I said *******
I called his mom
I told my mom

I am not his
He is not mine
I am my own source of strength
It crushed me
My world of us is gone
I felt it
I forgave
I am not carrying his faults anymore

I’m sorry to put this emotional weight on you.
I see now why i was so drawn to you and it was my ability to be vulnerable with u.
chasing a feeling that will fade if not nurtured.
I didn't heal my wounds and how could I when I didn't know my inner demons.
Wishing you happiness, knowing that I’ll always love you. I know the me I was and the me l need to be would require me to leave u behind.
It's a boundary we can't keep crossing because I know where I want to go and for u as well,
I have to keep growing and not do this anymore. I held onto u but it's time to say goodbye for good

He says he loves me,
When things go his way
He loves me not,
when I have a say
If I say no
He takes his love away….
I want space
He makes accusations
The doors don’t lock, he barges in
Throwing chaos in my face
I ask him
Why is it I can’t speak
He manipulates and then blames me
No apology
No remorse
I think it’s me

I give in to this misery
Thinking this is life
Years go by
I did what I was conditioned to do
I wasn’t alive

It takes one person to see my worth
Not to save me but to encourage me
She plants a seed inside my head
I see I am not as weak as I may have thought
I take the leap to run through the fire
I am resilient
I am responsible for me
I am no longer my circumstances

She repeats patterns she learned from home.
She is blinded by her actions.
Justifying what happened.
She’s the hurt one,
not them.
She knows the answers.
No one listens.
That’s her truth.
People leave.
They don’t agree.
She’s alone,
Saying, why me?
Until the pain is too great to change,
She’ll see herself as a victim,
and continue living the same.
Isolated.

I have to heal my inner wounds.
I have to face reality.
I contributed to this relationship. (Mess)
I feel remorse.
I am ashamed.
I’m ready to start,
and face my inner pain.
In time I see,
I am at peace.
Thank you, me,
Thank you for not giving up.