i am tired of talking to adults no i do not want to see a dermatologist or a psychologist or a psychiatrist or a nurse no school counselor i am definitely not having suicidal thoughts and no doctor i do not want to talk about the results of my mental health survey. of course dr. cook i am totally open to the idea of taking an antidepressant dear god i am tired of talking to adults do not want to be diagnosed i do not want to talk about it stop worrying about me, no, 'i am not depressed,' this is my life so thank you for not making me sign a life pact but leave me alone i am not going to cry in front of another strange adult. do not diagnose me. all i want is to be normal, i am tired of the pills. i am done with talking to adults

Mind racing backwards,
Wrist bleeding against the wall
This is my story,
Scar tissue and all

I am angry.
Very angry.
And I don't even know Why but

Reading everything
Absorbing everything
Feeling everything

I feel extremely mad.
I feel the need to put a hole in the wall.
I feel the need to bang my head so hard it splits up
Nicely in the center.
I feel the urge to tear up the room.

I'm angry. Very angry.

**** it, I don't want to be destructive again.
I can't afford to be.
I can't.
I can't.
I can't.

I can't be bad again.

I swear the words took a million years to come out
And reach my ears,
And then a million more for my brain to unscramble them.

Years of
Utter emptiness
Searing pain
Agonizing heartbreak.

Years spent
Punching walls
Sobbing
Screaming.

Highs and lows trading places
Like they couldn't get enough of my
Self hatred
Self destruction
Self annihilation.

Years spent living on extremes,
Over confident, over achieving
Too tired, too alone
Unbelievably alive, unbelievably in love
So reckless, so dangerous.

All of it
Concluding
Culminating
Climaxing
In four words

"Manic.
Depressive.
Borderline.
Bipolar."

You are the perfect medicine
To my bleeding rib cage
And aching monochrome bones
The lies I hold
Under my skin are too much
For me to carry
Alone

Did you know
That girls are more likely to
Commit suicide by something
Slow
Like a bottle of pills
Or a slash at both wrists
So they can wait in the last minutes
With their last breath
For someone to rescue them

A boy however
Is more brash
Crashes his car into a building
Takes a gun to his head
Jumps off a bridge
Because his anger
Leaves no space for hope

I find it interesting
That I want to die
Yet look both ways while crossing
The street
And still quake in fear at the idea
Of someone breaking in
Is this because I'm secretly
Waiting
(What a boring thing)
To be saved?
Or am I just too stubborn
To die
If not at my own hands

Whatever it is
I know that you are the same

You are a car crash waiting to
Happen
And I am an empty bottle of pills
Orange and cracked on the
Bathroom floor

My father taught me five:
He taught me
1. That it is okay to be late to dinner or not show up at all as long as you have a good reason.
taught me
2. That everyone makes mistakes and either you live with them or you runaway from them leaving only a voicemail and a forwarding address.
taught me
3. That you'll never have to be disappointed by others if your the disappointment and if you leave before the introductions.
taught me
4. That names are fickle, and there is never any point of telling someone yours if you have no plans to remember theirs.
taught me
5. That you have to give a little to get a little but that sometimes you give a little and get a lot of something you don't want.

My mother taught me five:
She taught me
5. That somedays you'll wake up and want to die because life is hard and no one will be on your side if you're against yourself.
taught me
4.  That it is hard to forgive and forget and it is even harder when you're 19 and all you're left with is a swelling abdomen, a voicemail and a forwarding address.
taught me
3. That good deeds don't make the person, that sacrifices make the person, that waking up alone at 4am to a crying baby makes the person.
taught me
2. That it's healthy to cry, but it's not healthy to cry yourself to sleep at night and cry yourself into productivity in the morning.
taught me
1. That it is okay to be late to dinner or not show up at all as long as you have a good reason.

1.  Klondike bars
2.  Selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors
3.  Out of rope
4.  Just joined the cult to get laid
5.  Turns out mom and dad do understand
6.  Tie: The Price is Right and Matlock
7.  It's called responsibility!
8.  High as hell on life
9.  Foes still unvanquished
10.  ***
11.  Drugs
12.  The Wise and Mighty Zoroaster
13.  Rock 'n' Roll
14.  You

In a distant galaxy not so different from our own, lives 1 man with a not so distant yet very different wife. 2 lovers with 3 goals to have 4 not so distant yet not so different children, go to the 5 point beach hotel where they will stay in 6 not so different rooms, not too distant from each other. There they will collect 7 sea-shells by the sea-shore so that 1 man in our galaxy, not so different from theirs, but in a way distant, have his number 2 chance at beating 3 other galaxies with the same 4 goals as him to retire with 5 billion dollars, having a family of 6 after winning the 7 sea-shells by the sea-shore super give-away, that has been distant from every 1 man in the universe and very different from what they have ever known!