my complex jupiter pops
full body into
infectious night—mouth
bursting and bang
taught curtains
so the light can shine through
every cherry blossom
I

never asked
what I meant to you
before
you

pink in my watching

slip into
the miniature composition
of splotched blue—

and I know everything
in space
is finished

at some point we're going to have
to be honest with ourselves and say
"this isn't just this it's
more" and
at some point we're going to have
to look at each other and say
"you're not just this you're
more" and
at some point we're going to have
to link our hands
and take the plunge
and know we're scared
and say "this
isn't just fear it's also
more"

[confession musics]

I planted
a gun
on myself
in a dream, also

dad
I was faking
sleep

sometimes death

~

[blank elegy]

after death
nothing
(oh citizen)
of god

~

[phase musics]

not all of us have a sister and not all of us have a sister whose first job was to run security for a petting zoo.

not even in dream does she have her own room.

her lifetime of sickness
god’s
hidden fondness
for

/ the tattoo.

when she gives birth she gives birth in a field
to a thing that records
her lost
nothingness

& we visit

where ****
we cricket.

~

[diagnosis musics]

what moon
were you on
when you lit
that match

when they could still be made

the sounds
that choke
your son

~

[prognosis musics]

get a rabbit.

put a penny in the microwave.

run.

ask
for a third
breast

any
size.  burn

on a kiss

your son’s
foot.

pretend every day

it’s just
for one.

~

[known musics]

as a birthmark
on a fingernail
the boy
is young
and scratches
into mother
the unauthored
south
of illness

-

photo is a color
is a scar
raised
on or by
(**** it)
the moon

-

I have my health / can hide

from god

You are beautiful, brilliant, talented,
But when I look at you
I wonder if you are happy.
You used to bring light to the whole room
With your joy
And now when I look at you I think of rain.
I love rain,
But you don’t.
Shadows pass across your face so often now
Like rolling clouds
And it scares me
Because I know that the storm which stirs my blood
Poisons yours
And I don’t wish it for you
But I see it in you.
Like recognizes like
And I see your darkness
The opposite of mine
Cold and weathered
A world you get lost in and swallowed by,
A burden you endure but cannot flourish beneath.
You were always sunlight, warmth, like springtime made flesh.
You were always alive in a different way from me,
A way that I loved you for
A way that I thought must be so vital to you
If it could be so nourishing for everyone who met you.
And now I hardly see you happy anymore-
When you smile it looks brittle, and vanishes quickly.
That mesmerizing light
So unquenchable years ago
Gutters like a candle in high wind
And its frailty is a wound in your eyes.
I see the weariness in your face
And your beauty has grown so sad-
No less captivating, but sobering, forlorn,
Somehow heavy.

I look at you and I no longer see your joy to be alive
And I wish
Quietly
Passionately
That I could somehow bring it back for you.

fly mouthed
cavalier
the toppled past
runs
rope through my grip.

thief
impostor
saboteur.

I forgive my dreams cut
in the maritime gloom of your blue eyes—
a rehearsal and hush of dead shells beating in the water

I never knew the binds of you would cuff me for this long—
your naked ocean now overgrown with a different plaque
and somehow more beautiful, younger, and vulnerable

I am the queen of shock and shiver,
proclaims my wondrous mind
I forgive my dreams of loving the invisible
and the seagulls fly
one by
one by

the movies always told me
that i'd have memories attached
to pieces of clothing
post-break-up i'd have to
go get a new wardrobe because
everything would smell too much
look too much
remind me too much
of you.

i find myself in the same
wardrobe, in the same clothes
because everything and nothing
reminds me of you
we spent such little time
wearing anything when we were
together because, like our relationship,
everything was always bare.

i find myself missing your skin
your smell, your touch,
your words, your fingertips
but my clothes do not carry
the weight-load of the memories
because i cannot remember
wearing anything except
you on top of me.

open home
gutter bird
head apart, apart apart

all toil, toil
sheets and time

why’d you bring me here?