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Drown in your tears
Let your cries
Be what ties
The knot..
Tightly around your neck
Then finally,
Let go...
And go.
I read a quote somewhere that said,
"I don't know how many times I have survived myself, without telling anyone else."

And I felt those words shoot through every nerve in my body. I felt them so deeply.

And I wonder how many of us feel the same way.

How many nights we fought off the suicidal thoughts, the urge to cut, the urge to purge, the urge to run or to hide out, alone, too afraid to worry or bother our friends and family.

How many days and nights have we all suffered in our own darkness alone?

People like us fight a battle no one can ever fathom because it's a battle no one can see. And we don't let them.

I've fought myself and survived myself alone so many nights.

There were nights I use to lose my own battle. But some how still came out alive.

I guess that's how we keep going. Because every time we give up we come out stronger.

You fight yourself and beat yourself up for so long that eventually you become a master of surviving a war.

We're warriors.

"I don't know how many times I've survived myself, without telling anyone else."

Tonight, I'm telling all of you.

I survived myself.

And if you're still here and you're reading this, you survived yourself too.

It's not easy but you did it.

And I'm so proud of you all.
The original quote "I dont know how many times I survived myself, without telling anyone else.", which triggered the whole poem was written by @deadwatered. A talented poet I follow on tumblr.
Savanna Paige Oct 2018
Yesterday it rained.
‘ ,  ‘,/  ‘ ,  ‘ ,\’ ,‘ , ‘ , ’
,   ‘ ,\ , ‘ ,‘ , ‘/‘,  ‘, , ‘
‘  ‘ ‘ /‘ , ‘ , ‘  \’  ‘, ‘ ,
‘   ‘  ‘ ‘  ‘   ‘  ‘  ‘  ‘   ‘
Forcing my lights to power off.
Last month we planted a seed.
We fantasized about our future SUN(or)FLOWER.
But lightening struck late last night.
Destroying my garden,
Snatching away my sunshine,
Leaving me trapped under heavy rain clouds.
Pouring teardrops of pain on my window.
Filling the skies with thundering disappointments,
As our paper plane came crashing down.
Dissolving in sorrow-filled puddles before our eyes.
All too soon, there was no time left between our “Hellos” & our “Goodbyes.”
“Who ever said, its impossible to miss what you never had?”
  Sep 2018 Savanna Paige
Path Humble
the count starts now (tired of tired)

I read your outcry at 3:00am
posted on Facebook

you are
tired of tired
sick of sick
the only question, will it ever end...

rise this day,  start another way...

count your blessing
count against all odds
for there are more than merely one

use both hands
both hands chested to feel the heart thrusting,
for living is a wondrous blessing unique
an unbelievable to believe than so many beats,
born and borne,
by you, a strength unequaled,
you a richness possessed

count that one first.
count my hands holding your shoulders.
count that as two, one for me, one for you.

more? more.  

mirror.  find the tiny light in each eye against a yellow backdrop.

add two more. for they are a sparking confidence of confirming.

you felt the heart thrumming
go back, feel the breathing warmth breaching forth.
add another. for now known you can never ever be cold.

wash the face, wash away the caution that sleep leaves,
the coverlet of fear that fears you not to dare,
amazing that tap water plain is sacred when it
miracle breaks you out and anoints thy forehead with pure oil like the kings of yore, be a kingly human being.

go out. do not return
until one act of kind is performed and
count that as a thousand blessed, a sum recurring recounted

walk humble and the path will always appear.
walk contented for you can be both king and servant,
there is no difference - you must be both to be the other

and if you still cannot raise the head,
call me.
that would be a blessing for me
and I will hear your blessings sounds mine merge,
dear friend and no more stranger,
that is the simplest definition of our learning to count to
4:00am I read your cry on facebook
Savanna Paige Sep 2018
****** ink, pens out my pain
& rotten diaries hides away the causes.

I wish I was a talker,
Instead I’ve always been a tight-lipped writer.

Listening to my heart pound at the sound
Of loud thoughts banging on my ear drums, demanding to be heard.

Going against the urgency to blade a veined pathway for their eviction.

No longer can I live with the absence of spoken words.

My outcries are no longer content w/ morning debuts in overwhelmed notepads.

Constantly running wild trying to free the thoughts held hostage.

Because never have I ever..
Had the cords to voicalize my brokenness using my now blistered tongue.
I’ve only ever known to bite down.

Swallowing fiery bullets to shield my freezing flesh.

Thinking it was enough when I found an underground tunnel for my thoughts to car-pool through.

Letting my pained fingers be the ambassador for an inaudible uproar.

Leaving the words trapped inside a box of my mind like a faulty magic trick.

My brain has a way of fooling me,
As it shoots pain throughout my body to signal danger. 

While simultaneously conditioning me to mouthed the words “I’m Fine”

So it’s no surprise that not a single pair of eyes can see,
The way my silent tongue is beginning to smother me.
I’m fine until I’m not. Getting over this betrayal has been the hardest for me. I inspire to be like
people who can talk & verbalize their feelings , pains, & personal experiences. I’m so ready to grow from that dark chapter of my past. I’m just not sure how.. but then again how can I when I pretend it doesn’t exist??
Savanna Paige Aug 2018
I never knew I could love, Love.
B/c as a young girl, Love was..
Daddy’s anger flashing before our eyes.
It was all the cliche lies,
That we insisted on living by.
Like “sometimes you need tough love”
Which usually consisted of..
Beatings for hair brushes left on the kitchen table.
Or Ma’s love for alcohol that made her unable,
To love me..
They way I needed to be.

It was the rule “out of sight, out of mind”
That always tried to turn a blind...
Eye to the things that never really felt right.  
Trying hard everyday to hold tight. 
Like those weave braids that I loved to hate,
B/c the gripping pain kept me up late.
Still, I never dared complained,
B/c I learned early that beauty was pain.
& my hair was to be a crown to a queen,
Taking the spotlight from all insecurities seen..
B/c let’s face it , middle school boys can be mean.
Always mocking my “white girl” name,
Digging up my ***** shame.
Then here came,
The “hot boys” that was full of game.
Always playing w/ my emotions,
Inviting drama like I ain’t already live w/ commotion.
Like I wasn’t already,

“If it don’t apply, let it fly”
Like Mama said, “never let em see you cry”
But to be honest I was a bit confused,
Then again, slightly amused.
B/c I was taught boys are mean when they like you,
I learned early being hurt was something to value.
One day Ms. Jackson told me “pay em no mind”
But I thought it was only right that they’d, KISS MY BEHIND.
But I said nothing cuz I knew “stay in a child’s place”,
Letting my frustration take me to outer space.

Where there I could fantasize how it feels,
To be head over heels.
For someone who,
Doesn’t have to...
Live 2 lives w/ a chick on the side,
That usually ends w/ Aunt E keying his ride.
****, there I go again , running my big ole mouth,
Telling people “what goes on in this house”.

It wasn’t long before I caught..
On to the idea that love wasn’t what I thought,
B/c that Love constantly resisted & fought!
& it too didn’t seem,
To want to be loved by this thing..
Called Love .

Then came the moment when lost, I found,
The most beautiful sound..
Of a heart beat living within me,
I was chosen to be..
His mother, & learn of everlasting..
Love that has been contrasting..
My views everyday.
& I must say,
I was going the wrong way,
Tryna find where Love stay.
& all along it’s been residing in me,
Both figuratively,
& literally.

It was a blessing when me & Darelle’s worlds clashed..
Together. & Together we smashed..
Down every figment,
Of what I thought Love meant.
Or should I say what Love was ..

Now, Love is,
My heart beat syncing w/ his.
Replacing my dark days with light,
Now, Love actually feels right.
It flows out naturally w/o trying,
Taking away my every breath w/o dying.
Life is renewed within me..
Every time I see..
Kamari’s beautiful face,
Watching his incredible soul fill up any space.
& now that I know,
What I know..  
I love,
Savanna Paige Aug 2018
If you let me,
I’ll show you.
I’ll sit you down &
Mold you.
Like clay pottery,
It can get tricky.
A bit sticky.  
Seeping through your cracked fingers,
Drying quickly.
Now hardened,
& fragile.

This glass heart can slip,
& fumble!
Now it’s shattered,
& bruised!
In a room full of “AWW”s,
& “EWW”s

You should’ve known better,
No, You should’ve held tighter,
Like you needed it,
to be imprinted on your palms.
Like a ****** clenching to the drug that calms.
Over dosing on over thinking...
Thinking you could handle me
As if I can’t be broken.

I should’ve showed you,
How to love me.
Reckon me as necessity,
Caress me,
Nourish me,
I should’ve sat you down & taught you something new,
If you had let me, I could’ve molded you.
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