her voice has risen
deep and heartbroken
notes spread out so thick
they sound imprisoned

when harmonized with another
its offbeat and dragging
when by itself
its a mournful smother

yet I sit and listen
heaviness in my chest
what is behind those bright eyes
that I've been missing?

There is a heaven,
there is a hell.
Those are the places
where Jesus and Satan dwell.
God is the light, the way to the pearly gates,
The Father, our creator, of every good thing.
Then Jesus, his son, rose from the grave.
But while Jesus was pouring
his blood for us to be saved,
there came Satan, driving the Hell-bound train.
All aboard, as Satan deceives,
Come one come all the dope phenes and the theives!
"Oh, hold on," says the ******. "I've got more to bring."
"Here comes the men who cheated me.
Who lied to their wives and took off their rings."
But little did they know,
that the blood of Jesus could cover these sins.
That they didn't have to be riding the same train as me.
But since no one had told them how Satan deceives,
they're bound to burn in hell for eternity.

Oh, cheese how I love you!
swiss, mozzarella, cheddar, or blue
stringy, blocky, or holey
you're the only delicacy for me

I love to sit and savor you
appreciating your taste as I chew
on a roller coaster my tastebuds you take
if I went without you my heart would break

And when I'm down to your last bite
my empty plate a horrific sight
I grab my keys and head to the store
needing just a little more

I'm scared.
Scared of losing it all,
that all of these good moments
I've been having are too good to be true
and it's just my heart telling me lies again
when in reality I'll never be worthy
of someone who actually
makes me feel like I'm worth
every breath I breathe
and every cell in my body,
that I'm worthy of someone who loves me
even on the days when
I find it impossible to love myself,
on those days when
I can't even make eye contact,
or meet my own eyes in the mirror,
or can do nothing but drag myself down.
I have someone who loves me for me now
and sometimes it's really scary,
sometimes I still have to pinch myself,
but you're here,
and you're breathing,
and I do deserve every breath I breathe
and every cell in my body.
I deserve this feeling,
and I deserve to be with you,
because if I didn't,
then all the years of suffering
would have been for nothing.

We got back together
but it doesn't feel like
we're starting over from the beginning.
Because as I breathed life into our future,
you just continued to dig up the past.

Not many things bring me joy in life,
when I say I'm fine
I'm just trying not to cry,
because talking about things
only make them worse,
Maybe the more I say I'm fine
The less it'll hurt

Left behind
in the dust,
left for dead,
left to rust,
I've given up
with the passing days,
waiting for the hour
I ' l l   f a d e    a    w    a    y     .     .      .

Is it normal to be this sad?
Will I ever see past today?
because I can't remember
a day I haven't felt this way...

Staring back at a skeleton,
watching the sharp, jutting
edges of my ribs ripple
like ocean waves whenever I move.
I can see the bones in my
back
chest
arms
legs
hands
And even though I'm near my death bed
all I see is a fat girl instead.

I was on top
before rock bottom's
huge drop
of reality knocked some
sense int my skull.
I was too naive
to understand the whole
landscaped scene
before my eyes.
I was ungrateful
and rolled the dice
with the devil's
fiery path.
Dont look into
its pits of wrath
or he'll get you too...

You deserved my wrath
a brick to the face
to choke on your disgrace
when you crossed my path

I crave to see your blood
gushing out of your eyes
and your mouth of lies
then drying to mud

I need to hear your heart stop
with you begging for mercy
through tears of blurry
as I twist you into knots

but I didn't stoop that low
no pools of red
just rage instead

I shouldn't have let you go

You could give her the world
but she wouldn't be happy,
you could make all the money
but she'd still starve for more,
you could work all the hours
but she'd still miss your touch,
but if you give her your heart,
she'll have more than enough

I just found out after years
of light and loving laughter
that you've hated me all this time.
It's crazy the number
of masks in your collection,
happy and caring and loving masks
that were, in the end, too good to be true.
Just thinking about you makes me think
about the masks we all put up.
It's like every morning we wake up
to go to a huge masquerade party,
and instead of taking
our masks off at the end of the night,
we sleep with them on,
always lying, always deceiving
even when the party's over.

some people think
writing a sentence
and hitting enter
a hundred times
is poetry

but poetry is
that on-the-edge-of -your-seat rollercoaster ride
that only goes up,
that ending ******* all pretty with a bow,
that washes you with a wave of emotions,
the crumple of paper and the smell of ink
that hits your nose as you sit on your bed,
dreaming so hard you can see the stars in your eyes.
No, poetry doesn't just scratch the surface,
with simple, shallow words,
poetry makes you feel emotions
you didn't' know existed.

Ive made a friend
watched them leave
made amends
and was still deceived

I still come crawling
Remembering the past
I'm panicking, bawling
Why can't this last?

Baby, I will do anything.

I'll **** myself,
trash my mental health,
commit social suicide,
throw away my pride.

I'll play your game of black jack.
Please just take me back.

Baby, I will do anything!

no escape
heart's race
pounding pace
then slowly fades
just go away
no escape

A world without me
wouldn't be much different
than a world with me.
I'm invisible to everyone either way.
I could scream
in a room packed with people
and no one would even bother to look up.
I'm that tree that fell down
that nobody heard,
I don't even exist
as far as people are concerned.
All I want is to be acknowledged,
all it takes is one person
for me to be seen,
for me to matter.
But since I'm invisible,
I'm better off dead.

Talk, Talk
words of chalk
making fun of her limping walk
their sneering and snide smiles
staying with her for miles.

Sad, Sad
she wasn't glad
that everyone was mad
at the empty hole
inside her soul.

Chide, Chide
she was denied
so much she cried
no one ever dared
to show her any care.

****, ****
she lay there still
heart nothing but frill
hoping and praying
someone could stop her decaying.

Liar, Liar
her life was so terrible and so dire
she walked straight into a fire
and let the pain
make her sane.

End, End
All of the bullies and all of their friends
in the end could not mend
the girl they had torn down
for now her place was in the ground

Fury
blurry
can't see a thing.
Heated
defeated
a deadly ring.
Crying
lying
the rage must come out.
Broken
unspoken
we should not whisper about.
Maybe tomorrow we can talk,
but not today.
right now I must take a walk
down to the depths where the demons play.

You tell me of your dream girl,
and every time you do  
there's this tiny voice in the back of my head,
ignoring the angel on my shoulder,
whispering,
What if that girl was me?
Could I make you happy?

I never would have thought
that my first day at my very first job
would be the day I fell head over heels.
It's even scarier to think
that that same love would be given back
by the kindest, most loving person
I've ever known,
by my best friend
and partner in crime.
Hell, I would have never thought
that that love could have bloomed
so fast,
or so beautiful,
or so brave.
And even though
I tend to be an indecisive person,
being with you,
loving you,
and marrying you
is the easiest decision
I have ever made in my life
and I hope we'll continue to make
even more decisions together in the future.
I hope we'll still continue
to love and support each other
and I'll still continue to be your rock
even on the lowest days
when our relationship feels
more like work than play,
because marriage is forever,
whether society today
believes that or not,
whether we're down in the dirt
and thinking about ending it all.
So through this stating of my vows
if you take anything away from them
it's this:
I promise to support you always
and to be faithful to you,
I promise to always be
a shoulder to cry on
even when you feel like
you can't come to anyone else,
but most importantly,
I promise to love you unconditionally
just like we will one day love our children,
no matter what crazy trouble
they might get into.
Because loving,
even when it's hard,
to me,
is the most beautiful thing in this world
besides you.

When I think of love I think
of my favorite movie playing on screen,
the song I can't get out of my head,
jumping up and down on my bed,
staring out the window riding shotgun,
strawberry ice cream under the sun,
climbing to the top of a tree,
building sandcastles by the sea,
hugs from my bestest friends,
of never wanting this feeling to end.

Thin and frail,
worn and tired.
When will this end?
When will I finally look in the mirror
and see someone worth loving?
someone whose worth holding the breath in their lungs
and the food in their stomach,
someone who deserves the same amount
of tender attention I dump on others everyday.
I'm afraid that day will never come
because I'm still stuck in this mindset,
falling in and out of this vicious cycle,
fading in and out of existence,
and because all I'll ever see when I look in the mirror
is a monster whose
thin and frail and
worn and tired.

I want her skin on mine
I want to be inside her mind
I want her to crawl on me
I want to be inside her body

But I also want her brain
I want to have her last name
I want to be better together
I want to give her forever

I'm a lesbian,
and that's what guys
can't understand.
That to make a girl happy,
you don't need a man.

Love is a lie
it is a flame
that must be tamed
it is pain
like acid rain
it is strong  
then feels wrong
it is gone
before next dawn
so I don't try

I'm the happiest I've ever been,
yet I still find times
where I feel frayed.
I have no reason to be sad,
yet there is this constant dark cloud
that won't go away.
I don't want to cry everyday,
I don't want to feel this way,
I  just want to smile
and truly believe that I'm okay,
But no matter how hard I try
this dark cloud just continues to stay.

Strangers on the the street,
just you, just me,
no longer us.
No longer two people holding hands,
who walked with the same gait,
but two people who are too scared
to even give the other eye contact
as they brush shoulders
on the way to their new lives.
But even though I can't will myself
to look you in the eye anymore,
I will always remember those four years
where I would smile at just the mere sight of you
and you would smile back,
where I would fantasize about our future together
as I spilled my heart out on the pages.
No, I will never forget,
but you did,
throwing those memories out on the curb
to be hauled away on trash day,
erasing me out of your life,
like I had never been there to begin with.
Time has sprinted by,
and I've moved on with someone new,
but I know my heart will never forget you,
and when her and I walk with the same gait
and just so happen to pass you by,
I will always want to look up,
because, deep down, I wish we were more
than just strangers on the street.

Hands are shaking
knees are quaking,
no way to stop the addictive
flow from inside my veins.
Though never the way I'd predicted,
quitting is the toughest strain.
But the pull is hard to fight,
like a thousand piercing knives,
slicing until I find the light.
No matter what I must overcome the trance
or I'll just be performing the same old dance.

It's my fault
that I never got to see you grow up,
that you died.
I was selfish and cared about
my own needs over yours,
I was irresponsible and now
I'm paying the ultimate price.
and no matter how much I want to turn back time,
where your heart was still beating
and hope was in your eyes,
I'm stuck with my mistakes.
I'm so sorry and I can't even say it,
because no matter how strongly I feel
I can't fix what's been done,
I can't make your body rise up from the ground,
I can't put you back together,
and because of those reasons I can't be okay.

Nightmares chasing me,
keeping me from sleep,
Oh, this ptsd
is really binding me,
can't even be alone to dream
of sunshine and roses and happy things
when all you do is haunt me
and rob me of my sleep...

I hate this writing
but the emotions keep biting
slashing away
that razor blade
the words are inviting
almost not worth fighting
a warm hug
nice and snug
but I know if I keep trying
I'll still be crying
that poetry will barely ease
Those feelings that seize

I wear my own jacket
so no guy will ever
offer me theirs

I buy my own chocolates
so I know what
I'm gonna get

I look in the mirror
so I can tell myself
that I'm beautiful

I grow my own roses
so I can't be pricked
by their thorns

I only love myself
so my heart
can never be broken

we are a tangle of legs
and a knot of arms
two puzzle pieces snapped together
against the lockers

your breath fades to rhythm
our heads fallen together
but mine speeds up
nostrils noisily flaring with each breath

I'm afraid of loving something so beautiful
and I hate that to society its
a beauty only his mother and I
could ever love
and I'm afraid you'll change your mind
because no one in my life has
called me beautiful
ever
not until you did

The whole school hates me
"She's a *****," your friend said
to be honest I thought you'd agree
with him
with everyone
but you didn't

I'm transfixed on the way our heads fit together
yours against mine
and how you sigh a whispered
I love you
for only me to hear
so that when the bell rings I'm smiling
no, we're smiling
like complete and utter dorks
the two puzzle pieces
separated
only to snap back together again
tomorrow

I love myself
you'll never hear me say that
I regret the things I've done
I know without a shadow of a doubt that
I am genuine
I'll never let people tell me that
I lie through my teeth
I believe deep down that
I have good intentions
you'll never convince me into thinking that
I hate myself

(Now read from bottom to top)

Sun falling down
Telescope touching ground
Artful scenery ahead
Raging stars are dead
Glamorous light
Amazingly bright
Zillions tethered
Elegantly together

Holding you,
having my secrets,
two trajedies I both love and hate.
I can have both,
but at what price?
I could love you,
but would I lose it all?
My mind only thinks in the moment,
impossibly impulsive,
head so far in the clouds
I'm afraid I'll never get out.
All I know Is that when I'm with you
I feel safe and sound,
and now I can't ever remember
a time where I wouldn't want you around,
so I'm going to continue to hold onto this
and pray to God I won't ruin it .

Why isn't it fine for men to cry?
Why do men have to pull up their guards
the second emotions get brought up
for fear that society will judge them?

For once I just want to watch
a guy cry on my shoulder,
to hold him in my arms
and tell him how everything will be fine,
so he's not alone to face the storm
without so much as an umbrella
to keep him from catching cold.

But I know this will never happen,
because society has taught its men to be silent.

Big, bustling crowd
swarming so loud,
I can't block this sound.
I feel like I'm gonna drown
from these tears falling down,
I wish no one was around
THIS CROWD IS TOO LOUD

***** to water
everyone stares
somebody stop her
someone just care

shes destroying herself
one drink at a time
look at her health
those warning signs

she won't turn back
once shes hooked
steer off track
if you overlook

I'll place a whisper of a kiss
on your pale lips,
even though this isn't a goodbye,
though you've run out of time,
because you'll forever be alive
and breathing inside my memory.

A ngelic hair forms a halo on her head
S apphire eyes reading my soul
T insel wings strapped to her back
O nly the two of us in this heaven
N othing but the cotton candy clouds
I mpressionist's world
S oothing sound as she sings
H ow in the hell did I get here?

The one in the mirror
who is exhausted and deprived
needs to evade fear
and live out life alive.

The shift was just so little
at first you could barely notice
now she is just a riddle
thrown into the infinite abyss

I bump into her everyday
when I'm once again in the backseat
and cannot, must look away
from the old memories bittersweet.

No matter what I try to do
I'll never be enough for you