I'm still wishing for the day
when I can be a priority over
everything else in your life,
I'm still wishing for the day
when I won't cry alone in my room  
holding my childhood stuffed animal,
I'm still wishing for the day
when I won't feel bitter about the way
you continue to treat me,
I'm still wishing for the day
when I can be a person
who can stand on their own,
I'm still wishing for the day
when you stop trying to turn me
into a ticking time bomb,
I'm still wishing for the day
when loving myself will be enough
to pick up the pieces when I shatter

There is a heaven,
there is a hell.
Those are the places
where Jesus and Satan dwell.
God is the light, the way to the pearly gates,
The Father, our creator, of every good thing.
Then Jesus, his son, rose from the grave.
But while Jesus was pouring
his blood for us to be saved,
there came Satan, driving the Hell-bound train.
All aboard, as Satan deceives,
Come one come all the dope phenes and the theives!
"Oh, hold on," says the ******. "I've got more to bring."
"Here comes the men who cheated me.
Who lied to their wives and took off their rings."
But little did they know,
that the blood of Jesus could cover these sins.
That they didn't have to be riding the same train as me.
But since no one had told them how Satan deceives,
they're bound to burn in hell for eternity.

Thin and frail,
worn and tired.
When will this end?
When will I finally look in the mirror
and see someone worth loving?
someone whose worth holding the breath in their lungs
and the food in their stomach,
someone who deserves the same amount
of tender attention I dump on others everyday.
I'm afraid that day will never come
because I'm still stuck in this mindset,
falling in and out of this vicious cycle,
fading in and out of existence,
and because all I'll ever see when I look in the mirror
is a monster whose
thin and frail and
worn and tired.

I'm scared.
Scared of losing it all,
that all of these good moments
I've been having are too good to be true
and it's just my heart telling me lies again
when in reality I'll never be worthy
of someone who actually
makes me feel like I'm worth
every breath I breathe
and every cell in my body,
that I'm worthy of someone who loves me
even on the days when
I find it impossible to love myself,
on those days when
I can't even make eye contact,
or meet my own eyes in the mirror,
or can do nothing but drag myself down.
I have someone who loves me for me now
and sometimes it's really scary,
sometimes I still have to pinch myself,
but you're here,
and you're breathing,
and I do deserve every breath I breathe
and every cell in my body.
I deserve this feeling,
and I deserve to be with you,
because if I didn't,
then all the years of suffering
would have been for nothing.

Words caught
in a knot
when we talk
pausing stutters
deafening mutters
of scratchy chalk
Im afraid
you won't stay
when i'm in
in a trance
from just one glance
cannot look away

some people think
writing a sentence
and hitting enter
a hundred times
is poetry

but poetry is
that on-the-edge-of -your-seat rollercoaster ride
that only goes up,
that ending ******* all pretty with a bow,
that washes you with a wave of emotions,
the crumple of paper and the smell of ink
that hits your nose as you sit on your bed,
dreaming so hard you can see the stars in your eyes.
No, poetry doesn't just scratch the surface,
with simple, shallow words,
poetry makes you feel emotions
you didn't' know existed.

Not many things bring me joy in life,
when I say I'm fine
I'm just trying not to cry,
because talking about things
only make them worse,
Maybe the more I say I'm fine
The less it'll hurt

I just found out after years
of light and loving laughter
that you've hated me all this time.
It's crazy the number
of masks in your collection,
happy and caring and loving masks
that were, in the end, too good to be true.
Just thinking about you makes me think
about the masks we all put up.
It's like every morning we wake up
to go to a huge masquerade party,
and instead of taking
our masks off at the end of the night,
we sleep with them on,
always lying, always deceiving
even when the party's over.

I was watered down
my raging fire
was singed to the ground

I may be a liar
mean and nasty
my words they hurt
the pain everlasting

I'll throw on the dirt
and **** your flame
I'll rage once more
remain untamed

I'll settle the score
an eye for an eye
I no longer care
If your light dies

For I will finally flare

I'm the happiest I've ever been,
yet I still find times
where I feel frayed.
I have no reason to be sad,
yet there is this constant dark cloud
that won't go away.
I don't want to cry everyday,
I don't want to feel this way,
I  just want to smile
and truly believe that I'm okay,
But no matter how hard I try
this dark cloud just continues to stay.

I never would have thought
that my first day at my very first job
would be the day I fell head over heels.
It's even scarier to think
that that same love would be given back
by the kindest, most loving person
I've ever known,
by my best friend
and partner in crime.
Hell, I would have never thought
that that love could have bloomed
so fast,
or so beautiful,
or so brave.
And even though
I tend to be an indecisive person,
being with you,
loving you,
and marrying you
is the easiest decision
I have ever made in my life
and I hope we'll continue to make
even more decisions together in the future.
I hope we'll still continue
to love and support each other
and I'll still continue to be your rock
even on the lowest days
when our relationship feels
more like work than play,
because marriage is forever,
whether society today
believes that or not,
whether we're down in the dirt
and thinking about ending it all.
So through this stating of my vows
if you take anything away from them
it's this:
I promise to support you always
and to be faithful to you,
I promise to always be
a shoulder to cry on
even when you feel like
you can't come to anyone else,
but most importantly,
I promise to love you unconditionally
just like we will one day love our children,
no matter what crazy trouble
they might get into.
Because loving,
even when it's hard,
to me,
is the most beautiful thing in this world
besides you.

We got back together
but it doesn't feel like
we're starting over from the beginning.
Because as I breathed life into our future,
you just continued to dig up the past.

You tell me of your dream girl,
and every time you do  
there's this tiny voice in the back of my head,
ignoring the angel on my shoulder,
whispering,
What if that girl was me?
Could I make you happy?

I'm so unhappy
but I can't say how I feel,
because if I do
I'm just being unsupportive,
so I can't win either way,
I can either be unhappy or selfish,
one of us will take the blame,
but that person won't be me

Nightmares chasing me,
keeping me from sleep,
Oh, this ptsd
is really binding me,
can't even be alone to dream
of sunshine and roses and happy things
when all you do is haunt me
and rob me of my sleep...

I hate her
even though I barely know
anything about her,
because for some reason
you're in love with her,
even though she wants
nothing to do with you,
if she was in love with you in return
I wouldn't stand a chance

It's my fault
that I never got to see you grow up,
that you died.
I was selfish and cared about
my own needs over yours,
I was irresponsible and now
I'm paying the ultimate price.
and no matter how much I want to turn back time,
where your heart was still beating
and hope was in your eyes,
I'm stuck with my mistakes.
I'm so sorry and I can't even say it,
because no matter how strongly I feel
I can't fix what's been done,
I can't make your body rise up from the ground,
I can't put you back together,
and because of those reasons I can't be okay.

Talk, Talk
words of chalk
making fun of her limping walk
their sneering and snide smiles
staying with her for miles.

Sad, Sad
she wasn't glad
that everyone was mad
at the empty hole
inside her soul.

Chide, Chide
she was denied
so much she cried
no one ever dared
to show her any care.

****, ****
she lay there still
heart nothing but frill
hoping and praying
someone could stop her decaying.

Liar, Liar
her life was so terrible and so dire
she walked straight into a fire
and let the pain
make her sane.

End, End
All of the bullies and all of their friends
in the end could not mend
the girl they had torn down
for now her place was in the ground

When I'm sad the words stop,
my trail of ink slows
I have so much on my mind,
so much that clashes together
that my thoughts cancel each other out,
the pen won't touch the paper,
and all I'm left feeling
is lonely and confused and scared,
because these words are trapped inside of me,
pounding on the prison bars,
screaming to get out,
suffering in my sadness
until the end of eternity.

A world without me
wouldn't be much different
than a world with me.
I'm invisible to everyone either way.
I could scream
in a room packed with people
and no one would even bother to look up.
I'm that tree that fell down
that nobody heard,
I don't even exist
as far as people are concerned.
All I want is to be acknowledged,
all it takes is one person
for me to be seen,
for me to matter.
But since I'm invisible,
I'm better off dead.

her voice has risen
deep and heartbroken
notes spread out so thick
they sound imprisoned

when harmonized with another
its offbeat and dragging
when by itself
its a mournful smother

yet I sit and listen
heaviness in my chest
what is behind those bright eyes
that I've been missing?

This place is a home.
There's a dining room table
I can do my homework on
and a kitchen I can burn down.
This place is still a home
Even though there's nobody
to come home to after a long day's work
or someone to sit and have dinner with.

No, this place will never be a home.

In this house everybody
looks at their phones
instead of their family.
In this house the kids
take their dinner upstairs.
In this house the parents
fight in the middle of the night.
No, this place will never be a home.
This place is just a house
that I just so happen to live in.

Fury
blurry
can't see a thing.
Heated
defeated
a deadly ring.
Crying
lying
the rage must come out.
Broken
unspoken
we should not whisper about.
Maybe tomorrow we can talk,
but not today.
right now I must take a walk
down to the depths where the demons play.

It's too good to be true
that I still have you,
to hold and love forever,
for I know bad weather
will soon ****** us apart,
and rip out my heart,
and I'll hate myself too,
for believing that our love was once true.

Strangers on the the street,
just you, just me,
no longer us.
No longer two people holding hands,
who walked with the same gait,
but two people who are too scared
to even give the other eye contact
as they brush shoulders
on the way to their new lives.
But even though I can't will myself
to look you in the eye anymore,
I will always remember those four years
where I would smile at just the mere sight of you
and you would smile back,
where I would fantasize about our future together
as I spilled my heart out on the pages.
No, I will never forget,
but you did,
throwing those memories out on the curb
to be hauled away on trash day,
erasing me out of your life,
like I had never been there to begin with.
Time has sprinted by,
and I've moved on with someone new,
but I know my heart will never forget you,
and when her and I walk with the same gait
and just so happen to pass you by,
I will always want to look up,
because, deep down, I wish we were more
than just strangers on the street.

Staring back at a skeleton,
watching the sharp, jutting
edges of my ribs ripple
like ocean waves whenever I move.
I can see the bones in my
back
chest
arms
legs
hands
And even though I'm near my death bed
all I see is a fat girl instead.

I hate those people with perfect lives
That never seem to have anything go wrong,
like they are in the clouds
And never have so much as a drop of rain tarnish their trendy clothes,
they're above everyone else
and they believe it too,
yet they are never grateful
for the things they'll never have to go through,
you don't deserve to be in this place,
you don't deserve to always have your way,
you never have the worst fate you,
and for that I will always hate you

Today is the day.
Exactly one year ago,
there was you and me
spread out on the bed sheets.
We laid out our bodies for each other on easels
and you were my work of art,
all smiles and 'I love yous' and promises of forever
as I gave myself to you
and you gave yourself to me
on those rumpled sheets,
a perfect tale of young teens.
Now, no matter how much I will myself,
I can't recall that day without crying
because I know that day lead to the last few good days
I had before our chapter ended,
before you closed the book
on a perfectly good story
and left me with nothing
but a trail of empty pages
to pick up by myself.
Sometimes I wish
I wasn't such a sucker for fairy tales...

A ngelic hair forms a halo on her head
S apphire eyes reading my soul
T insel wings strapped to her back
O nly the two of us in this heaven
N othing but the cotton candy clouds
I mpressionist's world
S oothing sound as she sings
H ow in the hell did I get here?

Hands are shaking
knees are quaking,
no way to stop the addictive
flow from inside my veins.
Though never the way I'd predicted,
quitting is the toughest strain.
But the pull is hard to fight,
like a thousand piercing knives,
slicing until I find the light.
No matter what I must overcome the trance
or I'll just be performing the same old dance.

You deserved my wrath
a brick to the face
to choke on your disgrace
when you crossed my path

I crave to see your blood
gushing out of your eyes
and your mouth of lies
then drying to mud

I need to hear your heart stop
with you begging for mercy
through tears of blurry
as I twist you into knots

but I didn't stoop that low
no pools of red
just rage instead

I shouldn't have let you go

I was on top
before rock bottom's
huge drop
of reality knocked some
sense int my skull.
I was too naive
to understand the whole
landscaped scene
before my eyes.
I was ungrateful
and rolled the dice
with the devil's
fiery path.
Dont look into
its pits of wrath
or he'll get you too...

Holding you,
having my secrets,
two trajedies I both love and hate.
I can have both,
but at what price?
I could love you,
but would I lose it all?
My mind only thinks in the moment,
impossibly impulsive,
head so far in the clouds
I'm afraid I'll never get out.
All I know Is that when I'm with you
I feel safe and sound,
and now I can't ever remember
a time where I wouldn't want you around,
so I'm going to continue to hold onto this
and pray to God I won't ruin it .

I made a deal with the devil today
Hell, I even shook his hand,
and though I knew it wasn't my time to stay,
I told him thank you for everything he did,
as I left his barren land
and followed a life of sin,
never looking back to Him,
because even though I knew better,
the sin felt so much better.

I want our shadows
to dance to a silent melody,
I want our love
to fly us to the moon,
I want our love to
defy destiny,
because I want to have
my cake and eat it too.

Ive made a friend
watched them leave
made amends
and was still deceived

I still come crawling
Remembering the past
I'm panicking, bawling
Why can't this last?

My voice was stolen today
from those who suppress me,
who cut me down
and treat me like I'm a ghost
when in reality I'm
the only one who realizes
that the world is changing
and I shouldn't be afraid
to change along with it,
that it's okay to be different,
that love is love
and there's nothing to be ashamed of.
So for everyone whose voice was stolen today,
join with me in creating a new world
where we can all be equally unique<3

This is a poem
for every breathing soul,
for those who have been beaten down,
for those whose names have been taken away.
This is a poem
for those who scream but are not heard,
for those who are treated like dirt,
for those who just want to belong.
This is a poem
for the broken hearted,
for those who wake up in an empty bed,
for those who have made mistakes.
Yes, this is a poem
for every breathing soul,
for everyone who has ever felt anything,
for humanity as a whole.

Love is a lie
it is a flame
that must be tamed
it is pain
like acid rain
it is strong  
then feels wrong
it is gone
before next dawn
so I don't try

I love myself
you'll never hear me say that
I regret the things I've done
I know without a shadow of a doubt that
I am genuine
I'll never let people tell me that
I lie through my teeth
I believe deep down that
I have good intentions
you'll never convince me into thinking that
I hate myself

(Now read from bottom to top)

Its always there
when you're down
will never glare
at your frown

It wont judge you
on how you dress
like those who
It won't impress

Sheathes your face
filled with tears
hides the disgrace
in the mirror

Black takes the pain
keeps me sane

When I think of love I think
of my favorite movie playing on screen,
the song I can't get out of my head,
jumping up and down on my bed,
staring out the window riding shotgun,
strawberry ice cream under the sun,
climbing to the top of a tree,
building sandcastles by the sea,
hugs from my bestest friends,
of never wanting this feeling to end.

I could write you a poem from the heart
but I don't think you'd like it.
I don't think you'd even finish the poem,
let alone skim each line,
I'm pretty sure you wouldn't take the time
to find a deeper meaning
in the abyss of words
that make up my mind
or be able to keep yourself
from jumping to conclusions
on what my metaphors mean.
So if you asked me to write you a poem,
I would just hand you a blank piece of paper,
because writing a poem for you
is just a waste of time
just like every second I ever spent on you,
every feeling faltering,
every word a write off,
every metaphor meaningless.
I'll never write you another poem again
because you deserve to be kept in the dark,
because you don't deserve to know
just how bad you really hurt me.