Quite possibly
The most challenging part
Of being an Entrepreneur
Is to not sink your own
Well built ship
With the fear
That no one truly
Wants to see you
Set sail.

I always felt
Deep down
That I was your last hope

So when the ugliness in you
Reached a volume I could no longer
Bare
Encouraging and fighting
For me to join into
The tableau of horrors
I said could not
And would not

And fled the scene
Just like I predicted you would run out
Of steam
But your inner demons
They tricked you and blamed me
So I decided you didn't matter as much
As my work, my soul, my heart
My well being
And never looked back.

I stood in nothing but my khaki brown uniform
$12.98 is your change
$8.81
You wanted a black bottom muffin?
Turkey pesto with no onions, add ranch?
Click. Click. Ring. Ring
Forgot what you said
Forgot what she wanted
Ordered and courted by 7 different voices
Head filled to the brim with rocketships
Camera boom and flash
Cell phone buzzes in the backroom
But I can't answer it.

Hit with the sudden wave
The sun starts to show its insides
Everything is pretty solid
Lookin' pretty
On some days
And like the black frightening beast with nothing but fangs
I'll start to hear and feel it rear its head
And I remember how I left it in the art studio
Of my old Christian middle school
Never to see it again
It was my very best piece.

I remember all of its emotion.

Hit with a wave of what I could do
What I haven't tried
If I extend my arm out to you
One last time
Will you bite me with venom?

I took a tally
A poll
Faces that sincerely love me, adore me
Not for my money or my internet presence
In unison all whispered
It won't change him.

So I found peace
With my phone buzzing
Got a warning at work
Cookies, gotta yell about them louder
My brain dripping and sopping
With colorful ribbons and tequila lime
But I don't drink much during the week
I can't possibly attend everything.

I'm super woman
But I'm still gonna bleed red rose petals.

Flickering, musical flight
Out like the night--
I couldn't find or hunt
The moon--
But my breath is
So held at this brink
I clasp and reach for
Ribbons of green
Lavender, the pinkest succulent lip feathered secret
Joy.

We can salsa--with
Our textiology, monopoly
Words--as we share
Bites of a fruit
No one has scientifically
Labeled in black and white
Dynamite
Hear and open to a song
That once made my heart  
Why live and whisper in spite?

Will you look like
****** leaves,
Can't find the word
Stopping halt
Don't retreat
Don't retreat
I barricade myself from, from
Like my stage combat teacher
Who wore whiskey, looking
At us young women
For his everyday way.

You typed and sang
Out so plainly
But my siren song
Rings high above the rest
Facebook pictures
Tag your name
I'll send the emoticon
With the big heart
Eyes, just
Just
Just.
Just.

See-saw
With me.

I should eat
Red reminders on my left wrist
I wanted, have been wanting to
Little bathroom, mat on the floor so nice
A cocooned furry haired weeping mess
A creature confined.
I hoped you would pick me up
Mama so mean, women so cruel
With your love and good tidings
"Find your Christmas spirit"
My little brother encourages--
His girlfriend and me.

The single one.
The mighty one
Glitter heels, this red dress
I texted you photos, drunk statements
Quizzed about the love
We shared, that all went to ruin
But afterwards I still
Have continued to lay myself down
Again and again
Hoping for validation, reassurance
Perhaps, so that I don't have to feel like
I was left behind.


Your eyes red with remorse
In the early hours of the morning
But you couldn't give me what I needed
On my ****** cell phone today.

Moments, so many fleeting
Specific moments
I locked myself in my room for hours
I don't know that I slept at all
In the darkness of my room
Like I have always done
When my mind and heart
Can no longer take the outside world.

Deep South, its got its love
But I'm cut from a different cloth
You tried to say
But you wanted to deny
And admit that you actively are trying
To fall out of love with me.

I turned my cell phone off
After crying into the bathroom mat
We are good, we are friends, we are trying
You spin in circles and have said and said
I searched for all the right photos to send you
But I heard your voice
And knew I had to just let you go
Let you and the love you long to fade
In 2015.

Heres the ******* thing
Heres the ******* truth
The truth of it
******* hit your poison if you need
To hear it.

Just so solidly and with such beauty
Live.
******* laugh.
******* be beautiful
Inside and outside
Be magnetic, charismatic, full of wit
Flirtation
And when an enemy
Or a lost lover
Resides in the room
Hit your poison
If you need
And just
Shut the door to your room
Listening to your favorite running song
In the deepest, secret place
Because lost lovers are lost for a reason
So let them be so lost
As you glide, hover, fly
Above anything earth bound.

Cuz you got on marijuana leaf socks
And that sweet **** gin breath
Your favorite green hoodie
A Black Hawks red tshirt
Your tattoos
Old Hollywood earrings
And left over lips kissed
From last night.

Heads crammed together
Around a bottle of honey whiskey Jack Daniels
A million voices whispered,
"They all say her mood is affected by the weather."

Don't fall in the ice, but wear the wrong shoes
Don't run after a man too fast
But make sure you bake him goods and sweet nothings
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach
And they all say:
"Thats what her mother always says."

Lets sit on our hands in unison,
But bring our paint brush and palette to the forefront
Because you can truly depend on, no one.
Lets run the show, make things happen
Because no one can, but you
Don't wait for opportunity
Make opportunity
Don't wait for love
Live it
And no matter how far you may go
No matter how much you evolve
There will always be those heads crammed together
Nodding and spewing
"They say her eyes leak fire."

Sit in bed all day and contemplate scars
With newness but we gotta inhale the fumes
Of the outside world, just to get by
Because they all say:
"She came in and she tore this world up."

I'm more sassy than sweet
My green sweater hanging from limbs
I come across as more of a party girl
"Sweet. Sweet." Think sweet
My acting on camera teacher tells me
Moon tattoo my neck
"Its the eyes!"
A classmate of mine offers
"I think its in the lips"
Sometimes I wish I could carefully peel off
Pieces of my face
Like I was Mr. Potato head
Start all over again.


I can hear you coughing in the kitchen
In the darkness of my room
Admitting I miss you
But I stay cocooned in my den
Its so weird that you come here now
But not for me.

I'm sure you must look around this house
And see the white table
The kitchen counter in front of the coffee maker
The places we so secretly and boldly
Made love in
So forbidden
It all seemed.

I thought I knew winter
But I didn't know ****
I feel as though I were entirely composed
Of Alaska
Every time I walk outside.

Boys, men
They really only irritate me now
I roll my eyes at text messages
That only appear at the most inconvenient times
I bet you think I'm not here
Maybe I'm sort of not
I can hear you walking past my door
I bet you just cracked open a beer
A few days ago we wished we could have just
Carried our relationship
Everywhere safe and solemn
In our bed.

But we couldn't
And I wouldn't
And though I have moments of missing
The safety of you knowing me
I do have to snap fingers in my face
And remember that I am still very much
In such a new place
None of you really know me

I'm not just full of sass
I couldn't stop laughing and saying how interesting
That feed back was
Because it took me a long time to become this woman
This strong, powerful
Can peacefully fall asleep with my ex-boyfriend in my living room
Woman.
Can sit in meetings and feel like I dance in fire
Or bravely kiss and whistle
At what I was scared of before.
So **** the idea of a party girl attitude
And this moon tattoo on my back
Means more than I could ever relay into words
Industrial copy is really a difficult form
That I'm trying to master
Because I desperately need money
But I direct, I write, I edit
And I can transform into whatever I need to be
Still finding myself
Forming my roots
Ignoring what I could or couldn't do
I'm still so ******* new.

I'm doing what I know I must do.

Faux fur, red lips, pleather
Everyone stops to listen, greet one another
So much time has passed.
But I jump when I receive a text from you
A girlfriend and I lament your departure
Please don't forget me.

My grandmother loved black and white
My brothers and I chow down on rice
A drink in my hand, everyone is so glad to see me
But I know how much I don't belong.

I fear sometimes
That a ring should be on my finger
But I look around and I would rather not settle.
Its not that I don't have love in my life
But I know, its not it
God, do I long for the fairytales
White wedding veil
A sundress and firm body, with a beautiful man standing next to me
My dreams and career not abruptly stopping
Let it be the best dance partner.

I'm not really sure why things work out the way they do
And I have started to grow bored of my own poetry
But call me darling, again.

I have cheated in the past
And I hope I don't cheat again
When a man is a man,
And makes me want nothing else but him.

Call me tomorrow,
Call me tonight
Call me right now.

I am at my best when I run through the Alabama flowers
But I am much too young to play Blanche Dubois
And thats okay
Because I don't really belong here anyway.

But the love and the sentiment
The sensuality
Is within me
Tattooed on me with a gentle hand
I act like a little girl, when I am back home again.

Wind in the lyft hits my hair
Sleepy eyed, eager for my own bed
To look out my own windows
And let the goodness in.

Several of my ladies struggle
At the moment
And I exude all the love I got
I know my radiant energy
It's easy to love
And sometimes you want to just hate
Only one friend of mine truly
Understands
The beautiful inevitable quality
Of it all.

Thinking about your touch
Sweetness
It feels good to stand on my own
And even better to know
You are still right there.

I think there are those who may not
Want to hear in the joy
The newness
And I get it
My god I so get it
But for once
For once
Just
For once.

Tomorrow is Friday
Papers pile up and yawn
I give myself deadlines
I'll soak up my own covers my own bed
As the ladies and I discuss the confidence it takes
The lyft driver gave me a code to write down
Folks question what I can do
And claw for more
I mull it over and swallow
But not with fear

I don't know what to say for my last line
And that's special and cool, too.

Buttery carbs
Trapped in the airport
I really wanted to make that ******* red eye
But I guess not badly enough.

Train stopped midway there
I should have left earlier
I should have taken a stupid expensive uber
But now I sit in a Black Hawks themed cafe
Trying to put aside my disappointment.

Everything feels so fleeting.

But its alright
Its okay
I have the tendency to torture myself at times
No need.

I was thinking about him
While stuck on the train
You ran to the airport, after I woke you up
On the phone at last
They wouldn't let you on the plane
I remember being so disheartened
As a moon sister and I went and had breakfast
Alone, together
Instead.

Because thats just
Thats just
What it is for me right now.

I was feeling hung up
Hung up on how to feel
But little things here and there
Help push me past it all.

I've never been in more of a financial rut
I've never felt more romantically confused
I've never inspired so many.

I take it in, I absorb it like a sponge
This time last year I auditioned for Steppenwolf
Thinking and plotting
I will go if I get in.

I didn't get in
Didn't book it
But they liked my steel toed boots
And I know I'm 3x the artist now
Than I was then.

I listened to Ghost on repeat
Surrounded myself with The Betrayer the next day
Its no
No
It makes total sense
That I may never ever
See him again.

I wonder what you must think or feel
If you ever tap onto your cell phone screen
Try to figure out where I'm at
Or if you wander onto this page
Or into my room while I'm gone.

As women around me say
"You couldn't heal and move on together."
Delete, delete, block, block
Defriend.
I hold true.
I hold true.
Delayed, stuck
Trapped in an airport
Disappointed
At least they didn't charge me.

I'm still a very very lucky woman.

Why do I have to learn everything the hard way

Cleanse the palette
Out all the toxins
Write it out
Dance it out
Sit and wallow it out
I white out things that are changing
Create ink where there are new plans
But today, I just wanna sit in my bed and be productive.

Its been a time.
11 months is the score
This time last year I fretted and waited for answers
I don't wait for answers anymore.

I hit a point of running the cash register
Pouring soups, delivering food
Where I saw the flashes and images
Of you with your newness in my mind
I felt so angry, so betrayed
And it makes me want to scream at the heavens
At them all
I have done nothing but date pigs.

The sun seems to peeking from under the clouds now
But my insides still feel the same remorse.

You blended into the wall paper
Of what you thought I wanted, needed
Our mothers said you longed to be of the same caliber
I can't believe I let you back into my bed
So many ******* times.

I long and whistle and wait for the summer time
I'll be just my own
But can't help and remember stolen traffic cones
Or how adventurously handsome you seemed
And portrayed yourself to be
As you replace, replace, replace
Step and repeat, rinse me away
A swamp of faces telling me how much I mean
But surrounding your deceit and immature ways
Because of ******* history.
And like a hooded ***** witch
I cast knowing spells, my hands in the air

You will all be torn apart in time
You will all have to go your own way as clocks tick by
This cult, fraternity that you sit upon
Filled with lies, cheating, backstabbing
It will all fall.

But I send my love and well to do kisses.


I HATE myself for falling for it.
I hate myself for not listening to warnings
I hate myself for believing you were unique
I hate myself for giving you a chance again and again
I hate myself for wanting so much
From someone who could give so little
Somedays I soar
Somedays I grieve so deeply
Somedays I hate you and hate you and hate you
And somedays
None of the poetry or the character you played
To rope me in
Matters at all.

You are just like a brick wall.

But now there is a barrier
A barrier in which you have attempted to replace, erase
Me, this time last week I had such a huge kick in my step
My body painted with fresh coats of paint
I drank so much whiskey until I couldn't feel anymore
But I was too drunk to reach you.

Thank God.

Because you are unreachable
I wish I didn't feel pain anymore
And I mostly have been so good, so alive, so radiant
But today, today
I wanted to shake you and hate you
And I do from afar.

Time to write it out in more blue ink
I cancel plans because I want my own company
I'm ready for change
A new comforter, new sheets, new chest of drawers
A little place we can play in our cobwebs of art and poetry
Its too bad yet another one had to be a disappointment.

Lost love
Abandoned love
Lying love
Deceptive love
I wonder if you replay the image of my face on the train
When I decided to fully push you away.

**** it.
**** it all.
What an unlady like thing for me to say
I wanna be the best
I wanna be the most popular
I wanna be the most successful

But I put my cross down of giving and hurting
I nod at the sunshine peeking out from the clouds
All my poems seem to come full circle
And end with me picking and lifting myself
Back out of the rabbit hole
I'm all I really got.

I can't believe you were

Dishonest, wearing a veiled mask
With me all this time.

It makes me shake my head
To see the truth revealed
In a way that makes me lose my breath
Even still.

I got used to you not being around
To the quiet silence
Of your partnership
Slowly failing me
And your romantic words and soft touches
No longer being enough.

I think I'll dress like
I'm attending the funeral of our love
Tomorrow night.

Your name and your face cause me pain
It is the most painful
To watch someone you love
Watch you go.

But there are consequences to this
I dance through ribbons and lace
And prance away
Into my own light.

Jittery anxiety.
Friday, ******* Friday.

I listen to an old play list and shake my head
SMH. SMH. SMH.
We abbreviate and indicate
Just how the spring sunshine feels.

Gotta get painted up tonight like a canvas
I run and I run through fire clad hoops
Sprinting and leaping right through them
But don't ******* add me back to the group
Cuz I don't trust either of us.

I talk to myself in a frenzy in the shower
Maybe **** will help make me feel calmer
Big, big weekend.

And it makes me think back to the time
The little mansion, vineyard
Happy April ******* fools
We talked about buying a dog
In my green beanie, our bed & breakfast
One of the many loves of my life
That I so graciously
Watched echo and blur
Right out the door.

I've made vibrating art out of it all
And I'll always do so.

Didn't mean to disappoint or frustrate that artist
But ain't had nothin' to do with me
I'm kickin' and swimming in my own current
Motherfuckahs.

But I should watch my jargon, my speak
But all I can really do is be me.

My eyes are tired
Work wants me to work more
But I need time, gotta have time
I hand out flyers, a big grin on my face
I don't know what I want.

That seems to be the through line in these little 11 months
Happy April Fools.

My women and I
Our swords blaze up in fiery glory
Our shields made up of fancy homemade meals and lace
Our helmets vine leaves and four leaf clovers
I ride atop a unicorn
Shouting triumphant beauty and red roses.

Happy Friday & April Fools
I blow dry my hair, paint my face
Paint my body, I'm one to notice.

I move and leap through hoops of fire.

About every other phrase
Spoken or nonverbal, ticks and swims
Through the vessels and organs of my
Instrument, in poetic intricate manners

My Editor sat across from me tonight
She spoke such wise words, keep doing
Keep doing what you are doing
I crowd myself with self doubt
At my secret, private times
As new faces, I find new places
Echo praises of how I slay dragons
I tame beasts with a sword composed of fire and lace
Dancing with wolves with fangs like icepicks
In only almost 11 months.

I nod and say only what I must
At my day jobs, most of the time
I nod and enjoy being told what to do
I place my heavy weighty brain on autopilot
Dollar signs flashing through my eyes
Ignoring the ticking clock to make it swing and chime by faster
I haven't seen my parents since Christmas.

I should have called home today
But I record words that I twist into silly string
Cultivating new spaces, new faces
When I feel low, I remember how peacefully, beautifully
I waved goodbye like the most beautiful debutante
There ever was.

A phrase that has echoed throughout my mind
I hear it as if placed on repeat
You cried, your voice cracking
"What happened to my beautiful swan?"
As if I had lost myself, as if I had changed on you
As if I wasn't me anymore
And I think deeply, deeply on it all
I try to piece together what that meant
Or how you had to beat me to it
You stared up at your ceiling
And admitted that you chose
To cause me pain first
Just to beat me to the punch.

Where did your beautiful swan go?

The Wolf and I say little today
Ah. I'm fine with it.
As each day and hour passes
My eyes open in a new way.

So many women, so many gorgeous women
We define our existence, our worth
By whatever man is currently paying attention to us
And for once, for once
In my 25 years of existing
I don't know if its because of the empowerment around me
Or those who urge me to keep going
I find peace and solitude as bliss.

I thought for a moment to myself tonight
It would be so nice
To share a bottle of whiskey and my bedside

"He's out there"
"You deserve someone as badass and special as you"

Where did my beautiful swan go?
Where did my beautiful swan go?

She got more inked up.
She did drugs.
She explored the world.
She shook hands with an iron fist.
She ****** whoever she wanted.
She made beautiful, captivating art.

She, she, she.

She never went anywhere.



She just outgrew you.
Just like we all knew she would do.

I wish we never had to mourn.
White nails, got so much dirt underneath them
Melting face, ointment gotta use it
Muscle, muscle
Have I been a not so great friend?
But I'm doin' the ******' best I can
I hope we all are.

Gotta edit this ******* *****
I was suppose to get up at 8am
"Probably"
But a flurry of kisses, gotta escort you to the bed
Cause you're like a *****
But I pick out clothes for friends
Work out, makes me feel better
The Betrayer--don't take him too seriously
Positive  moments, I try to hold onto those

Mama & Papa dread coming to help me
But they gotta cape on their backs,
Sayin' comin' to the rescue
Sometimes I miss the deep south so much
It hurts my bruised bones.

People crowded in a cafe
I can't just sit in my hole inside
I pick up tables, chairs
I move them alone
But watch and select your words carefully?

I don't know.
I also don't believe in covering my heart tattoo
Ink the back of my neck
I wanna remember and beautify my skin
Like the art work,
I am.

I just gotta believe it
I just gotta trust it
I found my way home drunk in New York City
Believe it, because no one can for you.

We gotta start layin' down some laws for next year
I gotta start makin' moves
I rest and I plan and I hope
I dream.
Just let me find somewhere special to live.

I heard you were 6'5
You look like what I dream of
Meet me, I could be your dream too
Turning in expensive high heels
I could see the Dead Prince's eyes respond
So clearly, so honestly
But I wake up and move on.

Time for a new playlist.

I prepare my pillows
To align and be a fort at the center
Of my bed, snuggling into the covers
1:12am, I meant to jot down some thoughts, emotions
I dipped and guzzled
A chocolate Popsicle I covered in peanut butter tonight before red wine
With my new women of the now
Because it's the closest thing I'll get
To romantic and ****** fulfillment
These days.

Could ponder all day long
Why it went this way or that
Or why he looks at my snap chat
But can't cutely retort back
I read and engulf Rupi Kaur's
Poetic words, feeling the weight of
Such authentic vulnerability
Goodness, on trains, before meetings
And I hope I too, can do that
For women
For men
When they need it most.

Tomorrow, X marks the spot
30 days.
It takes 30 days to break habits
And to create new ones
Let's do a thing, we should celebrate
My best friend and room mate exclaims
I come home to her alone
I come home alone
3 young women in their 20s
Close their eyes alone
On Campbell Street.

I worry that my Philly ladies don't quite understand
I try to illustrate it with both hands
Not sure if the support is so inexplicable
No need to showcase it
But sometimes I feel like a butterfly
Caught in its cocoon.

Chicago IS what you make of it
Indeed.
I remember panicking and feeling sadness
I need to go out into the world, I have to go places, meet new people
I lamented so desperately to you
Peter Pan
I write about you Jess and less
And I know it's just a healing scar.

I wonder if you keep the L in your wallet still
Or if the swans sing their lullaby above your bed
And I ponder what would we do if we encountered one another
You riding up the escalator
As I ride down
But I never see you
Though my heart feels confident
You have caught a glimpse or two of me.

Because I know you look
But my head is buried in my book
Or looking out the window
Or talking to a loved one on the phone
That somehow doesn't lose service
Underground
I move and I move
This is the tip of the brink

So be indifferent
Don't respond
Ignore me
Choose teams
Let it be

I sleep in the center of my cocoon.

An angel aura stone
You grabbed the candles upon which
They dangled
Her hair was so long, little shorts
Pale yellow jello heels
I wore white and very little make up
We were in the back of a car together
We didn't speak
Both concluding the other as evil
At last I broke the silence
And her body turned towards me
Her eyes lit up
As if she has been feeling lost all this time
And never wanted me as the enemy.

You traipsed down the path
I stood in my white cape
I could see you swallow and look away
And tend to your garden
Of the woman you hurt after me
It was me you could not confront.

We were good ole friends by this point
Sweet lost Liz and I
She looked over at me
Her long hair swinging
I felt like a statue
And remained open and not expectant
Angel aura
He got your angel aura
The crystal I wore around my neck
My favorite crystal of all time
And I took a shower and it was hard to reach me
But they all wanted to.

We all ended up on the bed
Piled high in what was friendship
I was there though I had not been for so long
And knew I would not stay
The blonde haired cherub
Who always wanted me to stick around
But must have known the deepest of your ways
"Okay so is she part of the group now again?"
He said with tired needing an answer filled hope
And I said no no
No no
Just let it be
And you cornered me
With your graze of hair and small stature
Those eyes that would rather have eaten me than loved me
You didn't like what was happening here
But yet you yearned
And then I woke up.

So I guess this is the part
Where I just admit that I’m afraid
I wasn’t sure what to say to you last night
As I watched you drift so far from me
I had you focus on the color green
You cried into my chest
I can still feel the weight of your skin
Your love
And the way our tongues melted and kissed
When you took my shorts off
And forgot yourself for a moment.

I love neon lights
I stood at the foot of them all
Soaking in every color, fixture
It felt like a playground I could gladly skip in
Any time.

I noticed you seemed down and tired
We split a magical brownie between us
Somewhere in the darkness you seemed to go
And there was no calling you back
In that moment.

I love the way my body feels
When you touch me
It takes so little to turn me on
Because it is you.

I hope you got some rest today and found some peace
I miss you
I’m falling for you
I hope you see me
I hope you fully see me.

Your eyes watery and blue
Crying into the sunset of my *******
You are gonna be okay babe
You are gonna be okay.

The thing is.
I'm really, very good
At being by myself.

I'll never forget that wild sense
Of freedom, like the red seas parting
The first time I traveled alone
At age 17.

Just like
When you came back
I cried. Your limbs on top of me
Freedom and my own identity
Ripped from
Me.

They wrote about me in my schools newspaper
Before my soon to be college boyfriend
And I dramatically parted ways
That I would be by your side
In Greenwich Village
Selling YOUR art.

I found a note
It said your name twice
I write storylines on notecards now
No need to reassure myself

Because I stand and waft in the wind
So well, so good on my own.

And there are people
That never ever experience this feeling
Of total and complete aloneness
That I have taken a liking to
Claiming it as my hiatus
A willful strength that echoes
It will come to be in time
In time
In time.

I want so much
I wanna do so much
My body lingers and yelps
Plentiful urges
And I board the plane alone
'Cuz I'm so good at it.

So don't tell me mama or whomever
That I'll meet a handsome man
I don't ******* care
It just will be

But I love me.
And that's all I really need.

Doin' what I can to just swim right past it
A picture of her hand on his stomach
Contentment.
But I wear sweaters that show my tattoo
I feel my temple pounding
Lipstick on, our lips brush each other
I guess I am a little bored.

Need and want that sweet company
You left, very little words inbetween
But I keep up with the cement in the city streets
Blonder and bolder
Than I have ever been before.

Maybe you wonder, with your punctuation and very little time
But a big beautiful bag can't keep me company.
So I sink my limbs into what is right now
Film a ****** bird carcass on the street
Swans, firebirds, peacocks leaping right through me.

My waist and hips grow smaller and tighter
As the numbers in my world increase
But take pictures of moments I can't forget
Everyone knows, I soon leave.

I hope Latin America treats you well
I hope its worth all the fuss
I hope I fly high above you
Don't need any more explanations
I just fly across the moon.

Seems like just yesterday you buzzed my door
Sent me songs every other day
Grabbed me against a wall
I was the sexiest of them all.

It has given me an aching feeling of loss
Resentment and anger
But I let that go, jumping into the trampoline
Of my beating heart


You were right.
I am a dream boat


A dream boat meant to sail away.

It's here in the revealing of a window
Snow has come early again this year
A man says to me on Instagram.

I did what I was supposed to do
Knowing your sudden silence was because you
Were with her last night
I spent a morning dealing with hardships
I often walk away from my phone
I don't even know why it is that you keep me.

I left before class today
My feet soaked through from the snow
I think about Beyonce
I cried to myself because its at this time
At this age
Prime
Where it seems like someone could or should
So fully just choose me.

The truth is I don't actually really want to leave you
I don't really see a point in that right now
But I do plan to move away
Far away from this place
I can see the hands of time ticking by
Or I think about how I always seem to choose
To never be here.

I've done a lot in Chicago
My time is not yet up

But I'm gonna go.

I guess I got the answer I needed.
If we cover enough of our faces in paint
Will you take me home, frame me on your wall?

I wish I hadn't been so wrong.
A shield, armor, and sword bare my middle name
Sirens on heavy rocks, singing next to me
I hoped it would be you.

But I guess, I knew all along
Just this morning, I remembered your hesitance
For my art work.
You only wanted to read the poems about you
Every time I explained artistry and palettes
You seemed confused, belittling
"Thats really...heavy."
You didn't want to watch my past
Or embrace the way I contrast
Against the decorations of your life.

So I guess I got the answer I needed.
A coward caught up in his computer screen.
I just wanted to mean, everything.
I guess I always do.
Because I leave my mark,
And swim on.

Mama says its gotta be another woman
An exotic, woman she's gotta have something I don't
But the women of the now and I
We shake our heads at this old school type of thought
Like the wrecking ***** in power suits
Only strong brave men, can waltz next to.

I guess I wish my fears hadn't come true
But it only felt so good to kiss and love
A computer screen a little bit.
I am not really sure why everyone else holds hands
But I choose to keep myself from settling.

I know I leave
Don't have time for folks that give cowardly answers
Or women that assume its another woman
Or ex boyfriends who just want me for the weekend

I get my name in that paper,
Paint myself like a beastly swan doll
If you thought you could take me down
Or think less of me
You got nothing at all.

I yell at the ceiling sometimes,
Get me the **** out of this place.
But soon in time.
It all feels impossible
Like I am out on my own
But thats because I am.

So I dry my face,
Know that this is not my end destination
It never was.

I stand at the center of the stage
My black cape
Long swan limbs and I
No man could ever take away.

Are you happier now?
I wonder
I picked up the eye mask next to me
Noticed the polaroids of a woman
With her hand on your stomach
Like you belonged to her
But I awoke to your hands on my body
You cried about your dog
And were so disappointed
When I said
This can't happen again.

Sorry, thankful
Those are the two best words
I can use to describe
The cacophony that was us
I guess I'm glad
You were alone the night I called
You answered right away
Just like you'd been waiting this whole time
I wonder if you thought of her much
While I laid in your bed
And you held my body in your arms
And said how much you missed me
And always would.

A figment of your imagination
You said thats the only way
You can live on
Knowing I exist
Without you
You're proud you had me
You will always be proud you said.

I wandered up your stairs
Remember the morning gloom
Of ice and snow
When you and Enkidu
Slipped and fell
Through the weather
And I was nervous, scared
You were so stressed
But then again
You were always stressed.

Your eyes are so expressive
I tried to forget what they looked like all night
As another man worshipped me
And I remembered
What it was like
To try and be yours.

The pictures and cards were gone
No Enkidu to be found
But her spirit swept up through me
To say its okay girl,
I know you couldn't be here.

I glance through you on social media
To gauge where you are at
At times
I know you will move on before I do
At least by societal terms.

You often criticize but update
Appearing to look like
A we or a gentle
Man.

And thats okay
I'm fine with that
I love my freedom I said
I wonder where you are now
What kind of face you wear today
And in moments I'll day dream
About what you must have been like
In your office that day
Little notes and reminders left behind
Everything cooing who I was then.

But I am different now
Maybe you kind of are too
I don't think there is a second chance to be had here
Though I think of you with more softness now
But I can't be the girl
Who lightly puts her hand on your belly
Like she's proud to be arm candy
Or claim a quiet ownership
And I never was that woman.

Because I'm all my own
I stood alone in the Sedona Desert
Or at the top of the peaks in the Grand Canyon
Drank up my own wisdom and fortitude
I befriend the silence, the uncertainty
That I know slightly tortured you
Though with moist lips we tried to wish it away
So that I could be
Your little bird
Baby doll.

Sorry,
Thankful.

With icy crystal clear melting sunshine
She and the wind became one.

One breathing pulsing beating hope, entity.

Replay certain songs that make the heart want to run.

Placing on an eye mask at night to force the darkness of sleep
4 nights in a row now, I have dreamed of them all

And it hit me like the wind swelling and urging me on
Its not just him. I'm not all that angry or hurt at him.
Its the combination, accumulation
The loss of it, of them all.

Dreams reordering and shining a light on things
Too real, too real
I open my eyes as if I am Scrooge
Revisiting the ghosts and realities of my past
I don't have to be so angry
I don't have to ache
I don't have to hurt so much, so deeply
Its part of who I am now
But its not any one thing

And surely thats gotta be the wilting and glistening cherry
To the tippy top of the cake labeled
"Disappointing Love"

Now let us throw the cake away
And feed it to no one.

Make up in mirrors
We paint ourselves up
I watch movies that express sexuality, femininity
Closing my eyes around midnight
Avoiding walking into the cold alone.

I think you must have really wanted to see me last night
Though you would never admit it
Your mind battling dragons, words, magic
Laying in the fort we built over our heads
With blankets, natural light
Hitting our faces and lips
Catherine slaughters all of her male partners
Seducing them into oblivion,
Basic Instinct.

We don't text today
But you called me last night, liquor on your breath
You wanted to know how it all went
Your little boy voice filled with wonder, love
As my sweet bitter nickname echoes over the phone
I couldn't play pretend, or remember how
My bed once sat on the opposite side of the room
As I found comfort in you
States and miles away
Over the cell phone
But you hate that Drake song.

But we were good, we were solid
We were a better us over technological devices
Sometimes I search for the words I want to
Articulate so badly, in deep or important moments
But I can't quite pronounce or think of the language
Quite quickly enough.

I turned on my old computer today
And stumbled across my love life this time last year
You, The Professor
Were just about to leave the city
Discover a foreign land
Bags arriving so shiny and new, full of
Perhaps promises on that Valentines Day
As a girlfriend envied me, we drank wine
I thought for a blissful moment
That I was so lucky.

My room mate told me today that I am
Definitely a "hopeless romantic"
Certainly cannot deny it
Watching back footage, dark hair, smitten eyes
Folders full of poems of the past
There has gotta be a day my poetry is less tortured, sad
Over men.
Men.

Man.
So much weight and effort put into them
All my life I thought a wedding veil was so significant
Repeatedly sweeping down the line
Of fantasies that just don't quite pan out
It makes me wonder if that will ever be a real
Attainable thing for me?
Or should I too,
Just slaughter all my lovers
In bed?

I fed my actors too much whiskey
I wish I had more money
I wish I had less and more free time
I wish for the day for me to let you go
To be right now
I wish I didn't romanticize and focus
On what simply cannot be
I wish
I know I've got inner homework
As I take in the icy breeze
Lonely snowflakes
Art that makes people say meaningful things
As they look right in my eyes
Making me pout with joy
"He's out there"
A band of sirens swim and sing to me
I stopped
I stop
Looking.

Shiny white **** thighs
Tattoos ringing and singing
Most natural state
Pure white boxes, bench
Create, purity, beauty.

Never so exposed, so raw
Able to smell my every pore
Allowing my every limb to echo art
I am my own canvas.

Sleeping and dreaming of life
But in more serious violent, chaotic, ****** extremes
So vivid, I nod them away
The sun shining and guilting me through my windows
As I sometimes catch myself reaching, longing for you
But you protect yourself with an armor
I can never master.

When will I truly stop trying?
Give up?
I dance around the flames, that always speak my name
As you send me pictures of your gig for the day
But you are too exhausted, your muscles ache
But you definitely need a night with me
You say, my flirtation armed with daggers
Poison and catalytic lashes
Because you are nothing but a fever dream.

I remember when I use to hear the quote in my mind
I penned and threaded to my heart with the sharpest needle
"The coldest winter I have ever known."
But this is by far, the coldest, the newest
Looking around and taking in how drastically
At the tip of a hat
I wasn't kidding in the summer time
When I would blink, wink, and sing
"My whole life is about to change."

But old habits, they do
They die hard
And consumed in longing, desired snuggles and rubs
Of the icicle ridden winter time
I close my eyes at each time you let me down
Because there was never a time you didn't.

My right eye has started twitching again
Consuming heated soup, crackers
My room mate eats all of the expensive produce
I barely can afford
But I love growing more slender,
Seeking motivation to run in the ice
Dollar bills, send me a ******* schedule
Send me out, put me in the room
But in the mean time, I direct and I edit
The best most profound parts
Of the world around me.

You didn't think of me when you released yourself
Your mind is mush today you said
But you encouraged me to
To release myself
But the trouble is,
I can't not think of you
But I bring back my needle and thread
And sew away all the lies
You tried to tie me down with
Snapping the strings with
The smile you constantly worshipped
Pure white, pure white

I know you your small arms will reach for me
As I am turned away
But I keep turning--90, 180
Avoiding 360
But you would love to
But. But. But.

I don't have time for any "But"
Flinging myself into significance
My needle and thread
We sew away your lies
Free my naked body into the morning
Into the night
In time.

Mystified branches and moss
Suddenly surrounded me today.

I felt the kiss of the sunshine down and around
My body and sweet face.

My eyes are tired and limbs long
For touches and intimate caresses
From you while you've been gone
On this seemingly brief yet long
Journey.

I only want to see you thrive.

There is a dark sadness within me
That sometimes reveals itself in moments
And I think somewhere in you
You recognize it, because it reminds you
Of perhaps your own reflection.

I come from heat and flames
And it's heat and flames I've really only ever known
I fell asleep last night eventually
Thinking about the things I haven't told you about my past
When we are together
It's so present
It's all about the seconds.

I genuinely hope for your heart and mind
To find peace within the chaos
Of swarming and gunning for success
I'm right next to you.

I've written you so much in the time that
We've known each other
Sometimes I worry
Your patience
Your gratitude
Your willingness to strive to do better.

That's the tip of the moon
That hovers above me in the sky
And encourages me
To make plans
To dream so big, so wild
With you Alex.

I don't want to write you anymore tortured poetry
So what if I only send you poems now
When I'm feeling the joy, feeling the love
Feeling the words you said to me two days ago
That made my whole week
"I miss you too and that is the truth."

Those are the moments I bleed for
The redness reminds us we are human.

Yes
           of course

you'll see me soon.

Let's not be weary
It's such a dream when we're good

And even when we are not
Or it feels like all the dust has enveloped us
I carry your heart
                                    (I carry it in my heart.)

Lets fly on a kite
On strings that tie
Around us like whimsical moments
In the sky
But red, green, and yellow
Float into outer space
Because we loved smokin’
And drinkin’ that ****, so good
Harmonies and beats surround the atmosphere
Lets dive into what we didn’t know before.

I'm so in love with you and I don't know how to not be.

A sobering sunlit day
Alabama keys filling and timing out
Like ballerinas twirling in unison, all clad
And panting in one heaving white heap
She woke up on the ground, abandoned
What was marked on her "destiny."

Rings twining together like all the "I do's"
That echoed and ran rampant in the sweetest
Of deep molasses southern belle gratitude
I heard my mothers voice waiver and say
"He's not the one for you sweet daughter"
A number of flaming red times
As my hand lilted and titled with a combination
Of worries and intimacies of what it means
To be a woman panting and breathing
In the showering rain outside
Reinventing, shedding that purity
I watched them all go next to the shadows of what could have been
But could never really be.

And for that, with the most eloquent softness
We curtsy our fiery manes not all at once
But in a series of waves and flames
As we, as I assemble
A rifle filled to the brim with nothing but love
The rawness of real joy and innate desire
To shine a light on the unspoken.
Forever. For always.
'Cuz thats what we do.
Thats what I do.

It smelled like city urban summer today
Sweat above my lip, greasy hair
Natural and determined
I'm entirely composed of the mightiest
And gentlest sweet embers.

Got that green leafed feeling
In a green grass park
Sorry for being such a nymph
Sorry for denying the love
You have never had before.

It's true
I'm really ******' bored
But I gear up, become so wise
Why tell lies?

I can feel it around me
Like the fathers who flap their hands
As child 1 says "daddy!"
Baseball bat, I just wanted
To eat candy and flirt

I grow my hair
My boots shiny and flaming

The waves, I see them all encompassing me now
My tail—the green scales, look out
Won’t you look out?
I might surprise you.
Look out.
All my life I whispered to myself,
One day I’ll fly away.
Alabama sunrises, pool tables, and whiskey kisses.
Look out
Because one day I’ll fly away.
Sitting in the black box theatre
Quietly, just quietly now
Tears fall away?
One day.
Wings will spread so look out
Time, hours, and ticking clocks
Echo that my maidenhead should be wed.
But going forth, I went and recited lines
In front of judges
That’s the life I have signed up for.
Unafraid, unsure how to repeat Shakespeare’s depth.
Just look out though.
For I will surprise you, my tail and I
As we jump, fly, and soar through the muddy ocean.
Philadelphia, you swept me up like a lost little girl.
I remember my jet black hair
And large innocent southern eyes
So much. So much.
Constant escalators, smokers, talkers, and homeless begging for a bite
A bite.
I looked around wondering
Who can I hold onto?
Who will take care of me?
Take care of me.
Wont you please take care of me.
Watch, watch me now.

My acting teacher asked me to become a snake.
I hissed and crawled, my eyes taunting
This is the life I signed up for.
Such beauty and fear in it all.
I soon fell, fell into a boy I hoped would lift me up
Leaving southern society and past loves behind
I hoped a northerner would set me up right.
Dishes thrown on the floor, screaming violence
Everyone’s watching
Can’t you see
All the actors are watching
The audience cannot cover their eyes.
I covered my eyes.
I ran around bars that summer
Sensuality in the air.
Returning to Philadelphia for the 3rd year
Letting go of the past
Walking away from the violence
Ready to embrace it all.
Soon again, whisked away through whiskey
And the smell of your cigarettes
You were supposed to mean nothing to me.
“The blood of water nymphs courses through your veins”
Pulling back the branches, trying to find myself through the faces of men
Lone little southern girl needs her hand held
Lone little girl
Look out, she might just surprise you.
From one man’s lap to another.
Tell me who I ought to be.
Love, the love we shared
We might as well have been on different planets
But the smoke clouds and intense love that surrounded us
We tried to brave the audience
But I slipped away.
Slipping, diving, into being the brave woman.

Brave Woman.
Legs intertwined with
The cities wind
Snow drifts down and falls into my eyes
Unafraid of what could be.
Will I cross paths with him today?
Wonderful.
You are wonderful.
He whispered that to me
And though we do not utter sounds
It will remain always.
And just when I think—my wings are out?
A bonnet on my head, a large white wedding dress
And toothless grins, I am surrounded by them
But watching it all disappear like smoke, he too disappears.
Bohemian lover.
I had to wash you away this time.
I see this moment replaying in my mind
The summer night’s sky
Wanting nothing more than to surround myself with you
But now, it’s the coldest winter I’ve ever known
But I walk through it
My eyes wide with bravery.
No longer running after care
To be taken care of.
You must love yourself.
Put yourself first.

My tail, I see it glide and glimmer
And fat mermaids, they swim around me
Their multi-colored dreadlocks
Whisper “be sensual, be free”
And in this city, this city I dove into
All on my own.
Look out, she might just surprise you.
Its true, my parents worry
“Be safe out there.”
Safety
Guns held to faces
Money dropped on the street
If only we could all save one another
But gliding like the night
Swans take flight all around me
And this time I won’t hesitate
This time you will have to look out
Shields down, throw the bread in the air
And the swans and I
We will all graze together
In one terrifying troupe
And we all know it,
Our beaks they will retract with anger
And we might start to bite those that harm us
Sharpness and poison in such beauty
But fear not,
The swans and I
Swaying, looming, dancing
We will keep the beast at bay.
Leave it for the stage.
He said to me the night I made human mistakes:
“What was I supposed to tell them, she was doing a scene’?”
But here we are now.
Staring at the face of my beautiful black haired best friend
“Atleast we know we are better people because of it. We can someday find what’s good for us.”
And I will smile my sly smile, as her words become recorded here.
But I won’t bite, I promise love I won’t bite
And I will see the dancers with heavy hands—they cannot even hold them up.
But with their heavy hands, they come slithering towards me
Trying to push and fight me off
Blame yourself, it’s your fault.
Shove, push, that’s all you did.
Acting and not acting.
But their heavy hands, I know it now
They will fall to the floor with them
And with careful and steady glimmering eyes
I will take a look at the “scene” before me
Heavy handed ballerinas
They lay on the ground like shattered skeletons.
No longer needing my hand held.
Wings, sharp beak, and white beauty
Transformation.
Such a transformation.
Reinventing, crafting, clawing
But at peace.
Convulsing in the most graceful way darling.
Green scales and the ocean still calling my name
Flying above it like the pendulum in the grandfather clock
Of my Alabama home.
We will sound our most elegant sound
For.
For before.
No, only now.
Now.
Staring into the beautiful face of now.
Soaring.

I just wanna lay down and disappear.

Always fighting, standing, voicing
I worry about the ones unable to truly converse
Fight alongside me.

Accused of selfishness
Blame me, its easier to feel threatened
But you want a piece of the pie
Just on your own time
Sometimes I just want to disappear.

No wonder I am so jaded at times
A bitterness and narrowness to my eyes
Couldn't wait for my date to walk the other way
Drunk in the kitchen, motivational talk
But then I had to try to call you
The wrong comfort can only make you smaller
Sometimes.

People love to hate
They hate to love
You want more money, expect me to make
This with no salary
Horrified by not a single award given away
To a woman of color
But lets line up all the white men
Lets beg them to make a spot for us
She says or he says
As I long to smash it all to the ground
My God, it can make you feel so alone
Am I the only one in this circle
Lifting others up?

But no, thought of as selfish
Small scale, to blame for mistakes
If we were meant to work out
You could have committed my dead relationship says
I stare down at the corpse your silliness,
Your youth
Trying to really and truly absorb positivity
Watch you leave tomorrow with ease.

My God, let a man with a brain find me
In the trenches with a palette of paint
Wise, strong, brave
Only seeking to hand in hand
Be resilient with me.

We **** like adults
We love like adults
But we hide underneath our child-like skin
Underneath a mountain of sheets
Words we try not to repeat
But keep me in the palm of your hand
As you take pictures of my blue painted toes
A flame bursting and caressing
Within me.

Internal space has got some shape
Dark thoughts I try to replace them
Piano sounds swirling, identify this or that
Movie cameras blink, blink
Snap me back into being grateful
For my luck, my surroundings.
Maybe its the holes in the dirt
Outside the view of my window
Or how when I want total control
I imagine hurling myself in front of a car
Or cleaning knives
Like just how I have picked them up throughout all my life
But life as a Ukrainian doctor told me:
"Life is beautiful."

Cathartic, out of body experience
I can't control what I say when I ******
Wail your name with whimpers
Every time you leave my arms
I worry when I will see you again.
I don't know what that is
I don't know what that means
But you tell me and tell me,
You are in this for the long haul.

I dreamed of betrayal and a lost soul last night
Your warm compact body next to me
I don't think you will ever really understand
Me, and all my complexities
But I see you leaping over the highest mountains
Never ending roof tops
That splinter and break
Underneath your perfect made
For grace,
Feet
If it meant, you would get to my embrace.

Your past coos out icy cold fingers from time to time
As mine rolls in hurricanes and thunderous ocean waves
I accept and try to forget
All the fear of the deep south.

Late hours, ticking clocks
Words I don't know what I will speak just yet
But I want to be the glamorous woman next to you
Full of power and freedom
As you, your tattooed longing lips
Reminding me to breathe
Keeping me sane

You are my fire dancer
Within my licking flames.

Mattress on the floor
Dark circles under eyes
So hard to even read or write
I tend to make
Mistakes
At the end of my shift
But I don't tempt or kiss
Dreaming of phrases and moments
Proclaiming, undulating
In my spinning lofty
Rainbow colored head.

Blood soaked ****** floor
You wanted to see the light
In my eyes, my soul
Flicker on and off
Play an accordion
To the sounds of me
Letting go of all the
Wart covered toads.

There was a mural on the wall
My favorite of them all--
I wish the sun layed here next to me
His breath heavy, meaningful
The mural--a beautiful
Long wavy haired blonde woman
A red rose inbetween her fingertips
Her mouth like a violent stain
As a cowboy man, holding a guitar
Watched her back from afar--
I would stand at the foot of this mural
Memorizing and photographing
The contour and color, her red lustful
Dress
"I want to look like that somebody"
I would whisper to myself, at a young ripe age.

Scratches on my forehead
Leaping for rhe frisbee--too tired to recognize
Goodness
A *******, the sunshine gleams and grabs my hand
I'm at my best
When I waltz.

Alabama grass and money all around
Close my eyes--gypsy filled room
I committed the worst deed
As men at the bar taunt and tease
I hope you will always all remain my
Boys of the summer.

No threat, just kept
My heart, bulbous and so lively
But I need a hand to hang this
Painting, build this bed off the ground
I try to loathe
Correction.
Love
Me.
Forget cut up hats
And having my lips shushed
Holes in the wall next to my head
Or bribery filled with distant trips
That never existed
But thank you, thank you
For making me
The powerful *****
I am today.

I don't need any whiskey
Or glowing ****

Tonight.

Knives held up to throats
And you see: Its really all just an elaborate joke.
Aw, shut up, you should just laugh.
But I think of knives held to throats

Of guns in the street

Of same *** marriage

Of alzheimer's disease
Of her experience, his experience
If we could press rewind, would we?

But lets place a glowing sword back in our belts
We could part our salivating lips to utter a thing
But just as words were seeming, dreaming of, formulating--
Light iron wings would spread from our shoulder blades
Grab a loyal person or two,
And take off.

But wait, we can see it so clearly,
Hold on, I'm sorry my vision is blurring--
Sounds echoing all around..
Convulsing, guttural noises
No, no point to question--
You see, its us who make those guttural noises
Its all us WOMEN, making those noises.

And if you were to hand us a canvas
All those violent colors would be thrown all over it
Theres a ripping, shredding, tear stained look
No one taught us in a book
What is too far?
What is a joke?
What is violence?
What IS love.

Mighty and made up of granite
The most lavish beaded fabric
Limbs outstretched to the sky.

They say the word stone has a multitude of meanings
What if we flew above it?

We felt it ringing and buzzing in our bones
My phone is disabled because I can't stop
Mistyping my seven digit password
We view apartments all day, its time for an update
But do I have the right to live somewhere
Trickled and tickled in the life I want
But don't necessarily have right now?

You said something so profound to me
That I leaned in and kissed you full on the lips
Everyone watching the swan in white
And the beautiful dark man banter and glow
I released my lips from yours to reveal
Cole eyes filled with entranced love
You dropped gems all around me
Urging me to keep going
I kissed you in that moment because I felt so inclined to
And I'm so glad it was you.

No ego
No one to show off to
It just was right
Surrounded by heated bodies, an abundance of art

At the very end of the night
Haunted by the lack of the pasts encouragement
Remember how you wrote the post it
Placed them on my wall
He wanted to be what he was for me that night
And I put myself to bed alone
And hustled through love
Beluga whales jumping and waving their tales
They crashed and sang
Their joyous eyes and silky bodies
I wished I could swim with them.

I've been building up fear
I look around me at strangers
Lets please all keep each other safe
Please.

Your mama I guess, is not gonna message me back
I guess I'm sorry I've exposed myself again
But I know
I know in my heart
When you see it all projected on your basement screen
Your name
Mine repeating and typing in transformative waves

It will well up inside of you
Maybe it will help make you change
And thats the point right?
Art that heals and speaks the truth.

I guess I did too much
Tried too hard
Opening and closing
Closing and opening
Slamming shut like the pitter patter of my heart
The final moment I left your face on the train
And I knew in my autumnal orange pants
We like the first Chicago winter
Would too, fade away.

Its summer now
A beautiful crisp hot
This time last year I defined myself
With a vulnerable acute newness
I was afraid to take the bus long distances.

I started to run
Toned my body up
Lately, all the pressure has put its immediacy aside
My room mate brings home boxes of ice cream
I didn't eat 20 dollars worth.

Theres numbers and jobs
Emails, words, plans
Floating and drifting over my head
Like when I use to leap and hit the basketball net
Remember how I beat you both at pig?

I talked about you a lot tonight.
You are like a vat of worms
Once you are opened
The goo and dirtiness all over my hands
I can't simply stuff you back into
The vat.

But I try
I let others do it with their reassurances
They close the conversation with ribbons and wise words
I find strength and resilience through it
I could write for eons about it all
But it wouldn't change
That you will always see me
As the villain in the arena
We jousted in.

I guess I killed you
With my joust
Watched you fall off your small horse
The crowd applauded so loudly
My insides shook
And I could write so many sonnets
I hope my picture affects your wounds
But I can't help you back up.

If I could,
I would drop kick you all the way back into your hometown
Ship you off to the desert, leave you without water
Teleport you to outer space with no way back
Delete you from every technological device.

But I can't.
I know you must feel the same.
****** into such deep sleeps, its hard to tell the difference
Moment of such longing weakness
And then empowering cathartic strength
My mother says she can't wait until I am over you.
I feel as though everyone looks at my pining heart
And rolls their eyes.
I, I do too.
Living out my fears, needs, wants
My mind trying to play out what it needs
The darkness of my southern room
Hitting the edge of addiction to wakefulness
Or sleep so deep, almost like a little death.

Left afterwards with only a series of cinematic images
You will never know
And my thoughts linger on:
Surely he must be battling this too.
Perhaps we have dreamed the same dream
Or dreamed of each other at the same time
Everyone has their own way of healing
And each day I wake up
And can't help but sigh at having had to experience you
In my imagination.

Dropped down, on that airplane
My coffee all over my thighs
You hit my mind first
But then I think, once the plane is steady
"Its just because he was the last one I really loved."
But I must conclude to myself, I did not really love you
I did not really surrender
Until it was much too late.

Destruction and grime all around us
I pretended to be both the hero and the villain
Using my super powers to lift the archaic mess
We could not overcome
Or telepathic powers to tell you to hang on
Or a clock that rewinds time to fix all mistakes
Or an invisibility cloak to try and steer us where
I thought, you thought, "We"
Thought
We needed to go.

But it doesn't matter.
None of it ******* matters.
I couldn't save us.
Because I am no super hero.

Emergency Flash Flood
All the cellular devices hum in unison
Airport security glamour hell.
Just get me back
Just get me back
And not to you, or you, or you
But because my future awaits.

I guess I have a little bit more to say
Or maybe it just feels good
To write to you in this way.

I hope you don't mind
Wrapping up envelopes with feathers
Or a hint of red rose
Smelling like new.

Because that's the thing about poets
That's the thing about being with an artist
We immortalize our experiences, our wounds
And those that leave a little bit of light
In the night we grow accustomed
To filling the holes within us
Up with.

I think of the line of your jaw
And the way your hair softly frames it
Or the way you would point things out to me
In that silly dramatic way
Your voice repeating itself when you grow with passion
Or nerves.

It's been a month I chime into a void
Standing up against a wall, I don't move
Other than to dance
Watching you go and go and go
Drunken whiskey invisibility cloaks
Don't mean much
To me and my scary friends.

I tried to interpret your response
The women in the south investigate
Me and the way I've turned inside out
Mama and Papa don't choose each other
And we schedule drinks
To try and sort things out
In some way.

I know you work hard
I know you know that I work hard
I didn't mean to become your other woman
The neon lights and frothy thoughts
We twirled within them well.

No more suffering
Let's be gentle.

I'm not sure what I need right now
I wanted to edit
I was feeling moments of elation
And then like a curve ball
Right into the pit of my stomach
So I reached out to you
Because there is an affectionate romantic love
That is so hard to be without
In this time
But all at once
I'm so glad it is not my responsibility
To hold the pieces together
Because I just can't
I don't have it in me.

And I don't think its any accident
That I found the photos
The series
Of my hand on a mirror
Eyes in different directions
I can't believe this
I can't believe it
Like the mouth of a dusty oven
Opening or closing

I just want it all to be over.

****.
******* **** **** ****.
My mama told me never to curse.
But shrewd alligator teeth words
Flew from her lips, everyday.
Erase the bonnet off my head.

Brussel sprouts, coffee face
I try to let go of walking in the sunshine with you
Hitting walls of knowing it will never work
What a waste
Such a connection, such a love
But a best friend of mine says
"Its all so perfect--in one day."
I love you in your drunken **** doting state
You love me when my hair is soaked in the rain
Lets contemplate how to break out
Wonder why it didn't work before
But I gotta go.

Theres something about the Philadelphia
I float through definitions and hung up words
But I know and I eat fresh fruit
I just really gotta go.
Positive attitude, positive attitude
I don't look for a man to hold me
Any longer.

Searching through listings
A new place to live
Papa and I try to figure it all out
I just don't really care what I look like today
But lets make things happen
As I can still feel The Betrayers coarse lips
On my neck, my face, my lips
Slapping a face or two
Or three
Jumping from variety to release
I think I'm good for a while.

So I sleep alone, I shop alone, I smoke alone
I stay sober alone.
I shower alone.
I write alone.
I'm alone.

Its really quite beautiful.
Oh what a pleasure
I do want a white wedding dress
But I twirl away from bar bathrooms in New York City
I'll believe it when I see it
I feel like all my writing is the same thing
On repeat

Be happy for me, in The Village

While I gypsy on.

Red deep wine, skull bares it all
Tears streaming down my face
Iphone 5s embodies how hard it is to go
Sleeping on the floor, leave before ready
But life, it sweeps you up
It tells you when it is time to fly.

A vanity full of beautiful make up
Artistry in it all
Caitlyn Jenner is a free woman
But it breaks my heart, 77% money
Dollar bills and the power struggle
Men want to be women
Women want to be men
But if a woman became a man
On the cover of Time or Vanity
Would the human race pillage the town?

Sweating at a new gym
Tattoos sing and introduce me to the new town
The boys, the newness
Lets share everything
I can be whoever I want to be.

Positivity and innovation
My mood dangles from tree branches
In the Windy City
What its like to have freedom from needing a lover
My room mate and I eat whiskey icecream.

Haven't let myself feel too much
Since a big jet plane swept me away
Papa, I gotta run to Second City
My life demands I take off
But we squeeze hands
As my lady loves in Philadelphia, send love
Lest we forget.

Can't get much harder than this
The new girl, new town, transition once again
A single song can bring it all back
I watched him walk out of the door
I said goodbye to in such a hurry
I wondered these past 3 days if I was a dry well
But as my fingers do the talking through writing
I feel everything once again.

5 years spent building a powerful, beautiful life
But I looked around knowing I could not stay
Flourishing, growing, transforming
My beak, my feathers, my wings
Never had they been so white.

There was a time
When my life revolved around one man
But we women, we see men wanting to be women
We see women wanting to be men
As I gaze at bathroom doors marked "W" & "M"
Why must we categorize?

Raised to look at a woman's body with nothing but lust
Lets not forget brains.

Eyes running from cutting onions
I cook and I investigate the new neighborhood
So happy to be here.
So glad to begin again.
Momentum so full so strong
Never had I felt more surrounded by artistry
Where I could rock climb and descend up
Down.

So many moments, memories
Faces kissed and left
Friendships that will stand next to me always
Trust that tattoos, green hair
Fresh fruit.
I want to always be fresh fruit.
Why settle for anything but fresh fruit?

This is perhaps
The last time I will write in front of this
Little window
Thats seen and heard so much.

A pink dress
An inked knee.

Its in the forgetting
Just go baby girl.
Just go
I know you got so much to say
But its all within you
Always
Now fly.

Gray puddles and slosh,
I leap right over them
The couples to my left
Right, backwards, forwards
They hold limbs and guide
But I skip through it like the night.

I could hear them all say "baby."
But I rise in the morning and leave a note
On your pillow
Because my heart, my mind
Are elsewhere.

Flipping through tattoo sketches
Don't make a sound, like a mouse
I can't do a breakfast with you
And I can't touch you the way you want me to
Because I guide myself through the puddles.

So good to see the sunshine again
A southern girls best friend
I type and look at it because I can
"I love you. Please marry me."
But I erase and take that shot
All the boys wanna go home.

A shoe shine, a strange man
Just tried to educate me about salt
And the woes of February
But I chide and nod my head
To the beat of my own leaps.

Marilyn Monroe at a state of glamourized rest
Face mask, whip that, tired eyes
You lift me high above your head
So patient, so kind
My worst enemy is, is
Me.

Hood pulled over my head
Jobless, hit the ground running
Writers block--procrastinate
Criticize through whiskey eyes
But all I want is to let
Let myself
Worship you.

Rays of unending sunshine
We could articulate our thoughts
Into a colorful dance,
I need to let myself believe
I am more than enough.

My hair never felt so good
To fling and swing
Into the windy city trap house
Lights, but at the end of the day
We are all just a bunch of skeletons
Longing for happiness,
Inner peace
Be with me, be with me.

"You love this song baby"
Drag me away from my own mind
Your presence, love
You are not what I expected.

"Its in your poetry"
My room mate said to me late last night
Soft lips, girl gang
I just wanted you next to me all night
I'm sorry to be such a flurry of colorful streaks
Like my lioness mane,
You said, you uttered
So calmly, so well
Be mine.

Hours without you, time ticking by
I strengthen my soul


I'm so in love with you.

Remember how not there for me you were?
January 26, 2016
In just an hour you turn 24.

But you got sick earlier you said
I could barely lift myself out of a death like nap
I sit in my bed floating back and forth between
Luxuriating in the quiet
To feeling like I am much, much too idle
You can't really fathom or express
Your wonderment for me
Because it hurts you too much
Your lips refuse to utter.

I'll always be standing at the bar
Patiently waiting
To order my own ******* drink
As long as you are in the room.

I bought you a gift
"You are too much!"
You say, sprinkling pixie dust and ruin
I hang onto to sugar covered little limbs
Make me feel something
Someone slap me, punch me, **** me
Distract me
I erase my face
I erase my face
I erase my face.

I gotta write something nice for you
For tomorrow
I guess
But all I really wanna do is erase my face.

10:58pm
I guess I thought my night would be different
Sweet Actor guy is disappointed I won't go out with him tonight
Last night caused him to think of me all day today
He said
But I excuse myself from socializing
I drifted into smoke clouds
Welcoming lipsticked strangers
As I erase my face
Rebirth
Always flying into rebirth.

Mama scolds me for my obsession with you
As Philly girlfriends and I pontificate
I make it into art
I make us into art
Decay and shrubs surrounding me.

I think you get a kick of not answering me
Your face and voice flashing in my mind
Like edited footage
I put it aside
A faux fur stole
Lipsticked lips the 9 others avoid
I carry on
I didn't come here for you
I didn't come here for them

Cocooned in my own cocoon
I'll give you your gift tomorrow
Erasing my face.

A million bags packed
Lets stuff them in the car, transportation so hard
I can ride with you, ride with you anywhere.
But ******* everything is so expensive.

Push the panel back, lets watch it all dissolve into the ground
A witness to your life, thats something I've always wanted
I told you, as we carried each piece down old stairs
"How cinematic is it that the beginning of us is with the destruction of your past."
I watched you say goodbye to it all, but you didn't say much at all
A cigarette in your mouth
I told you, you choose to go. Embark on your next journey.
I wanna be your future, I coyly think--while I write you little notes.

Wetness and water filled my face the past 48 hours
But I just love to hide in your closet like a little girl
Pour red wine in your hair the night before
Cling to you like a little bitty thing
The word boyfriend--while looking at you
Would taste so good.

I woke alone this morning, okay with the day
I need a personal day, I tell myself
But dear God, its so good to hear from you
Don't stop, reach out, send me your passion from afar
But neither of us really utter the word love
Nothing wrong with the unspoken,
Lets earn it and not say it within a goodbye.

A grilled cheese, fries I stopped eating, beer after beer
A girlfriend and I discuss all the things
You would always smile and laugh
At all the little things, I use to say
But cameras all around, scripts, impromptu
I find peace and lightness all around.

Struggling to grab all of my millions of bags
The talkative taxi driver was ready for me
To tuck and roll out of the car
So hard to say goodbye.
But please, lets not let that be the last time.
We kissed, I think, a total of 4 times.
Stress, and tension, I promised you
You would make it there on time.

The last kiss--we held for as long as we could in that moment
A painful, hard, lasting, goodbye for now.
I got out, putting my brave look on
Glanced back in the car at your beautiful face
And marched on, flung my bag on my back
Tried to put away my grimace and welling eyes
Going forward like a strong little china doll
I turned to look back.


Through the tinted window,
Your eyes, lips, nose, bearded face watched me go
I stood for a moment as the car drove you away from me
My strength and facade broken
I blew you a kiss
We stared after each other until after you were out of sight.

You watched me go
I watched you go
And thats when I knew
This ain't over.