Do I make you happy?
Do I make you sad?
And happy?
How do I make you happy?
I gave up on happiness but I want to have good moments.
With you as much as possible, I hope that makes you happy.
If only for a moment, hopefully a little longer.

How can I make you happy when I don’t feel happy about life?
I just want to love you and be loved.
As long as we can.
One moment I’m sure we’ll make it, the next I’m just a mess of thoughts and feelings.
Cause I have no good experience with this.
Not sure that I can make you happy.

✨⭐️🩵💙💜HOPE is all we’ve got when life’s rough. Accepting things are not how we wish them to be. But they feel better in dreams sometimes. And you forget about pain that you carry. You meet people and hug them. And it’s so intense. Like a drink to a song times a 1000. Or more. You don’t know anything else. Let that hope be that dream. And that dream be that HOPE 💜💙🩵⭐️✨

When I’m in the dark and the noises won’t stop.
I call upon the Goddesses to help.
And then when nothing flows we make it.
It’s not easy but I feel them.
And we celebrate later.
I hope they understand that I would rather join them altogether.
But I’m not ready yet.
I don’t know how much longer till I’m where I want to be but they send gifts.
Sometimes I need to pay for them.
That’s fair.
But sometimes the balance needs to be made.
No perfect dream without a nightmare after.
How much celebrating is going to feel ok still?
I’m still here and I just need to escape it.
All the noise and all the feelings.
I want the darkest black and the brightest glitter.
The deepest blue, pink and purple.
And then I swim.
Keep swimming.
Cause I can’t just all day long “keep swimming” without feeling.
I feel too much.
But it’s ok when it’s good.
Good stuff, good energy, it will come.
Like fairy witches, my name will be Nanti Noémy
🧚🏻‍♀️✨✨🌑✨✨🌻

The source is inside of us.
All.
Who says this is the one and only Matrix?
Who wants to go back to the source?

With your heart.
With your love.
Your energy.
It’s all inside.

Go outside.
Of this Matrix or another.
Who wants to be there?
Be inside.
It’s all inside us.
Where is the dark hole full of comfort?

I’ve seen it in my dreams, felt it in my core.
Twin flames and all the special ones that came.
In my dream I can feel you, the energy is one that is only coming through with you.

Let me go to my dream, find you again.
Your amazing authentic energy that only comes with you.
From you.
When I see you.

That kinda hurt.
That OCD on my head.
All the guys are standing around there.
Hold my hand shadow, hold my hand.

I lie my body with a quilted coat before the fountain.
Underneath the trees that keep dropping things and the birds are in them.
The guys are watching from the pavement.
They are watching a lady covered in plastic playing the paino with her cat.

Nobody sees me lying down near the fountain.
Listening to dust to dust to dust.....
I need to trust, or should I always?
It will always turn out how you feel it should in the end.

You have to go through it, you're allowed to be sad.
But you can be happy in the moment.
I sing so loud, basically crying on the street ignoring everybody.
The wind is so fresh on my buzzed cut, yeah!

Hold my hand shadow, hold my hand.
This will take a little while more.
This will hurt a little longer.
Cause you weren't able to disappear into the air.

And leave to go anywhere cause this guy called you back again.
That didn't hurt at all.
It made me feel so much more alive than the days before.
But I was still feeling, I was actually bursting all the time before he pulled me back.

I want to break out of this.
I want to lie on his bed.
I want to stare back at these guys watching a lady in plastic playing.
I want to be playing the games that I choose.

Not the ones that are happening because I am stuck in this game.
But I want to feel my own feelings, even in here.
Let me experience it all.
Let me tease you into staring at me like the world is disappearing.
And we are not!

On good days I'd say: You win some you lose some.
But when will I be done learning?
When can I ever be ready for dying alone?
It saddens me so deeply.
There's nothing left.

A loveless death.
And one person who deserves it the least to see me leave.
When I was never there anyway.
And she suffers in same and different ways.
I need to leave but I dread it.
Tried it before, I really tried to, I pushed through.
Came right back every time.

Now it hurts to know that there's no hope or love left for me here.
No peace, no savety, no joy, no life.
Nothing but death waiting.
A lonely horrific way.
Nobody to help, nobody to hold on to while drifting far away.
Maybe if I try to picture it in my head: Me lying there with you.
Then it will all be ok.

I can't let it break me over and over.
Trying to die, life, trying to make it till the next day.
But death cannot be this painful cause I want to move away far.
Peacefully and happy to go.

Not in such sadness.
Dying as merciless as living, that's no way to go.
And on good days I say: You win some, you lose some.
When will I be ready to lose this life?

Life and death.
Words that we use.
A human life.
And dead body.
A plant, an animal, a creature.
Nature.
Human experience.
Experiencing dying, near death, loss, watching death/dying.
Saving life, killing.
It’s not so precious when you’re suffering constantly, don’t save me!
When I’m trying to survive I need the option to die.
But there’s no “right way to die”.
When it’s your time then you’ll leave.
Maybe that’s the only “right way”.
And maybe I won’t leave the way I would like.
I can only see it as an option which it is.
But I don’t think you should just act in crisis.
That’s not the time.
But it happens, just like other deaths that feel useless.
But it’s a journey that ends.

I wanted to be dead at 26. I’m 32 now. Still want to be dead at 26. Even though I did learn, grow and experience a lot. I don’t like life and who I’ve become. 😢😞

The differences only hurt when you can’t read me.
So you keep asking me to read you pages...
It takes forever this way.
But it’s all we’ve got.
And it feels like I did read your book somewhere...
But not completely.
I think I missed a lot of details.
Maybe I shall go back and read some more.
Although it gets so hard to focus.
I’m so extremely tired.
I think I see those lines in your eyes and I hear them in your voice.
Hopefully your eyes won’t turn into mine.

My mind is a cracked glass.
Strong with cracks.
Don’t use pressure or it breaks.
There will always be cracks.
And you can’t pour from an empty cup with cracks.

Shattered glass.
I’m a snow globe inside.
I’m trapped in a house that’s dark.
With many rooms and stairs and hiding spots.
I go there often in my dreams.
There are visitors a lot.

Sometimes I walk outside.
I’m on the road leaving the house.
I go to many places.
I meet so many people.
Familiar and new.

My heart is so bold and dark in my dreams.
It can handle any situation.
So many adventures I go through.
Sometimes it’s with the people I know when I’m awake.
Sometimes strangers….

But I can wake up screaming softly because I’m back in my cracked mind.
Cracked world.
In a dark house in a snow globe.
With much less room.
Less room than the one from my dreams.

⭐️🌙💫✨

I'm sorry, I didn't know that life was such a game.
A game that you have to play.
I forgot about the unwritten rules to follow and now I lost.
Everything.
No peace at all.
I said too much while I couldn't let you know.
Everything.
Too much for one person to carry.
But you can't share it or you loose.
Everything.
I'm sorry, I got angry while I didn't do what was expected.
The game of life we play.
I had too much to carry so I threw away the final thing that helped me.
The last thing.
Now I got nowhere to go.
I said too much and now there are these rules you must follow.
The last thing.
Too much information to carry.
So you have to share it or you fail and you're gonna be out forever.
The last thing.
I am sorry, I could not see clearly and I had to go back to the beginning.
Of the game of life again and again.
It never felt right and it's too much and now I lost.

Falling asleep finally.
After 3.
Dreaming about a woman with dark brown wavy hair.
A heavy stare.
And colours of fiery orange, red and yellow.
My name appears in white with a bow and arrow.
My first name and middle and they're a being split and seperated.
Looks like they're written like a word in a dictionary, a new word being created.
Sharon Yvon- Syon.
Does it mean anything, are things coming together again with a name?
With a bow and an arrow in a flame.

I love the form I'm in today.
But I can't live here.
My bones are black.
I try to fly, even spread out my arms.

It's so hard and heavy for me to be.
And I wish I could at least spent the night not alone.
But it can't be because the days are too hard.
The nights too restless.

I'm too great of a mess if I even try to get ready.
For anything with anybody.
But my love is deep.
Like the blackness that I wear all over my body.
My black bones and dead eyes.

Arms spread open wide.
Should I just move my wings and go?
Everybody should be annoyed with me by now.
Yet my friends and family say they understand.
I try to help them through their hell as well where I can.

Nothing's certain or can be planned anymore.
Nobody knows what's the right thing to do.
So everybody tries their best.
But it hurts and now I'm too worn out and dark.

I live in the shadow of my soul.
When I spent the days alone.
Only that music sometimes lifts me up and gets me to spread my arms.
In the wind outside, I want to go!

But it's never the right moment.
There's always too much I'm leaving behind in this chaos.
But I am a mess, a heavy mess, dark, deep, black.
What I need is not here.

But those people that I need are.
Sometimes they need me too, they want me to be by their side.
And I want nothing more.
But how I wish I could just take them by the arm and hand with me to where there's peace.

Where we can all be save and free.
Without terror, horror, torture.
But you've got to be ready to leave everything you've ever known.
None of us have learned or seen beyond this place of the universe throughout our entire life on earth.

Do you ever look at people and wonder: Why do we think humans look normal?
We're used to it, it's all we know.
But how I wish I could just leave and take some people to a better place.
Or leave by myself that send a little signal.
Fight for peace so that this pain will never happen again!

I love the form I'm in today.
But I can't live here.
My bones are black.
I try to fly, even spread out my arms.....

Do you ever look at people and wonder: Why do we think humans look normal?
We're used to it, it's all we know.

Maybe the clock will be turned back on when it stops.
So I will crush it this time when it does.

Maybe the heart will live longer than the body.
So I’ll bury it with me forever.

My energy will be free.
It has to.

A life of everything.
Balanced for freedom.
Seen all possibilities, felt all the bad, gone through the motions.
I’m no longer bound.

So this time the clock will be crushed.
When it stops.

Nobody will be rushed back into a life on earth.
See what you will find this time.

A heart full of freedom and a garden of fruit.
Flowers and water, colors and moons.

Forever.
Like love in a dream with an Easter egg.
Filled with cream.
So tasty and you can eat all you want and smile.

Smile to the love of your life after life.

And in the end after only hearing that SHE was the problem.
She could be nothing else.
And she also kept having problems no matter what she did.
No matter where she went and with whom.
So she became the problem while also having problems constantly.
Some problems worse that others.
In the end she got so tired of them and tired of being the problem.

She didn’t know how to ever get out of this cycle and overcoming the problems she kept on having.
They were there when she wanted to rest and they were there when she wanted to do something.

Even when she closed her eyes, covered her ears, cried.
Most of the time.
But she did have background music to play.
And danced to it, ran and sang.
She had some pretty great friends and her close family grew with her into people of knowledge.

Her friends as well, they all got wiser.
But they also had their battles.
And now that she has really become the problem she found herself unworthy, like a burden most of the time, she was still having these issues.

While she had many things that other people didn’t, that SHE didn’t have before.
But now she was still having problems being the problem.
And there was nothing left to see, nothing other than the problems and the problem.
The problem is her.

My ears feel like they’re bleeding.
I was sleeping.
But they started buzzing.
I needed that sleep.
And they’re not stopping.
Loud outside.

Head hurts now.
I’m frozen stiff.
Need to leave the world.
Everything is wrong.
The mattress moved and popped and now it’s not comfy.
So I got on the couch trying to get some rest.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
I’m traumatized by how hard it is to find comfort I feel.

My ears are popping.
They are not stopping.
Wish I was still sleeping.

What should I do about the bed?
About making people tired or letting people down?
I’ll try to find solutions.
Try to stay calm.

I was already thinking last night like:

This world is nothing but a job.
I don’t feel alive.
Things are no longer new and exciting.

Today everything got worse so all I can do is trust there’s a reason….
Learning to live while not comfortable, experiencing feelings.
No certainty, maybe I will sleep or die from lack of rest.

Still I remain a dead person who hasn’t died.
Can I live in the moment?
I have so many thoughts about the next thing coming and the wrongs things…
Not every thought needs to become an action though but I cry inside and I don’t want to be here.
This is not my world at I’m tired of trying to fit in it.

When life is overwhelming and you don't know where anything and anyone is going to.....
The people that have your back are everything.
The places that calm you down are calling your name.
Everything else will happen as it will.
Keep loving, just do what you need to do.
And be you, completely you.
Walk your own way.

Only in knowing this is temporary is where can find some peace.
I can’t live here well at all even though you are here with me.
You and I try so hard to make it right.
But it’s not.
And yet we try and sometimes it’s just fine.
Or even better.
But throughout the days and nights it’s battling without comfort.
And you try to share the comfort inside you.
And I see where I can change things.
From when I was born it’s only gotten worse.
And now I’m here.
Where you accept me while I’ve never accepted life.
I didn’t come out, I almost died as an infant.
This life was more than one, more than two in my mind.
It was never right.
And now it somehow should be while I’m still me.
And you know this all so well.
Even better than me.
You understand.
Yet you hold me.
Don’t let go, it’s a miracle.

Be that mess.
You’ll get through it.
Again and again.

It’s draining and torturous.
So be that mess.
Embrace the dark.

Expect nothing.
Accept everything.
No matter how mean.

I want to bleed till I’m dry.
Never cry so hard again and just drown forever.

Be a corpse swallowed by the sand soaked by the rain.

Not like the sand that burned.
But let me crawl into the earth.

Walk through tunnels till I’m out.
Ready to fly, away from where my dead body lies deep.

You wished for things to never be like that again.
And they did change.
They’re still hard, still feel bad.
Not as bad but still bad.

And you’re tired.
And it still feels very hard and bad everyday.
The essence stayed, your body and your head.
Which are more worn out than ever.
So things changed and are finally better.
But yet you suffer.

And it’s still very extremely hard to get through the days.
The nights are still rough.
But it will never be the same.
And one day all the pain will be gone.
And you’ve grown out of it and from it.
To never ever feel like that again.

To not let it ever exist to feel like that for anyone else.
Because the knowledge was gained and now it shall be gone, over and done with!
Murdered, moved on from.
Taken care of.

Slaughtered.
Understood.
Like a broken cycle.
Life on earth is about this.
And it keeps happening.

When it’s your time, do escape.
Don’t follow.
Don’t follow that trap.
All the traps.
Don’t fall for them next time when there won’t be time.

Just essence.
The real essence, you.
Pure passion.
Pure experience.
Pure creation.
No judgement.

No wishing but creating.
Just really feeling intensely.
Everything.
That’s the real truth.
This is just a journey, this world of rules.
A journey fitted for you, not by you.
It’s a battle, a task, a duty.
Everything you do.

Be real and free, go be it already.
Where possible.

I keep waiting.
I'm an idiot.
I run to you in agonizing pain.
The pain you caused me.

I'm just stupid.
I'm addicted.
I need to withdrawal from you.
But I don't want to.

Cause I hate life without you.
And I do love you.
But I keep on waiting.
For you to open up.
I know you can't take away my pain.
Like I can't take aways yours.

Although I'd really hold your naked body tight.
And maybe we'd even have a meaningful conversation.
About how to move forward.
Is there a way, can we at least try?
Or are we going to run around in circles.
And am I just gonna keep waiting.

There was an issue but no reason for blocking me.
Are you hiding something?
I'm an idiot.
I ran to you.
I couldn't bare the pain, the information you were sending.
I need to withdrawal from you.

But I love you.
What am I to you?
An idiot?
The waiting idiot.

Why should I have to be positive to make it feel ok?
Let me just be me, it never feels right anyway.
I'm fighting on my own, trying to make the best of it.
But what if the world and I just do not fit?

I'm tired and everything aches when I'm alone.
Still going for walks and singing but I'm getting numb and never in the right zone.
When I'm with you I'm still trying even though it gets so freaking hard.
So love me hard even though I know it's hard and with me there's no moving forward.

I wish I could make a final decision.
End my mission.
I can't yet even though I want to so bad.
How can I ever be ready to go ahead?
Make it end forever.

And start something I don't remember or haven't seen yet ever.
I need to when I can.
Please be with me until then.
Then I'll always be with you.
No matter where I'll go to.

Don't tell me that I can change anything by changing my attitude.
My attitude is broken by this place and I can't break it again to somehow make it feel good.
Let me just be me.
You can't cure me with your stardust theory.

Like you can be in control.
By changing your own role.
And being ok within.
I can't shut off the world I'm in.

Actually it comes in hard as hell with Autism, OCD, being exhausted and depressed.
You can't shut it off even without these issues and if you could I'd be impressed.
So please let me be me and find my way.
And when I'm broken down again please try to love me anyway.

I'll always be a part of you and you're a part of me.
But nobody can cure me with any type of startdust theory.
A medication doesn't do it either, something needs to get out instead of being put in.
Let me do it my own way, that's actually how I find my strength within!

These are the cards you are dealt today.
Never easy.
Always trying hard to find a way to deal with them.

Same cards keep coming back.
You can’t get rid of them.
Some you will be able to throw away, some you only get sometimes and then they disappear again for a while.

What’s the end card? I wonder.
You can only see the cards revealing this world and not what’s next.

But what’s beyond can shine through these cards and you can get a glimpse of your purpose.
Your intense longing for something that’s not here.

They show you yourself, your life and battles in that day.
You recognize some of them too much and some are new.

There are rules to this card-game I feel:
-Don’t think you deserve better cards.
-Don’t take your cards for granted.
-Don’t take the easy way out.
-Do have patience if you can.
-Take breaks if possible.
-Don’t take it too seriously.
-Anything can happen, is possible.

I wanted to die soon but then I discovered new songs. 😄
Many came by today.
Even too many to keep track.
Now I just want to be in them.
One after another.
Like dying, in songs.

Why does life always have to feel so freaking uncomfortable?!
I want to overwhelm my life the way it overwhelms me sometimes.
I want to be the magic in the magic too.
Not feeling like sinking to the bottom everytime, everyday and night
The bottom can be beautiful too though but it’s not light.

I don’t want to cry around 6 am because of the pain that I’m in.
Keeping you awake.
Life ******* me up, ******* your life up.

I didn’t get comfy so I try to wake up.
You’re doing everything, losing sleep and try to comfort me.
It’s impossible but it helps.

I’m sorry.
It just hurts.
Life hurts.
Waking up burns, my body aches and my head breaks…
**** that!
**** life ******* up.
We are strong but I’ve been over it.

For too long.
So I don’t feel that strong anymore, I feel so sore.
You almost can fix everything so you took a challenge.

Not that you will ever try to “fix me”, you can fix the wrong things sometimes.
And I try to find a way through life again when it’s ******* me over.
There’s no “;”, it did get better but it won’t be over.

Over and over, overwhelming and hard.
Painful and rough.

You hold me in the mud flood while it’s chocking me.
And so you can’t sleep.
So I’m sorry.
Peace is hard to find and when I do I lose it too easily.

That breaks me but I still want to be here too.
In your arms every night.

Today I felt so lonely in my mental state that I gave a homeless man ice cream.
I had seen him standing there and sitting there in the same spot days before.
He was there again with his head in the sun bending down.

He told me that he lives in a tent.
But soon he would be staying at a hotel or even move to America with a group of people.
You could smell them from a distance, but what do you expect?

So I let him pick his favorite ice cream flavors.
He was friendly and I could tell that he was alright from his energy.
This is how two lonely people who don’t feel at home share a moment.
And it’s a little awkward.

But it’s better than to stay in your bubble.
That’s what it felt like.
And I hope it felt the same for him.
Just a moment to be seen and heard and not be all alone in your head.

Or sitting on the bricks in the center of the city he grew up in.
While I have traveled a bit through the country, but never found my home actually.
But I did meet amazing people, and I did have my adventures.
And now I don’t know what the next part of my life looks like.
Just like him holding on.

Although I have a very safe place, my mind is not, but I can’t complain.
I have everything I need.
Not like this man.
He only has the ice cream I just gave him this afternoon just out of my own loneliness. 🍨🍦

I’m melting in the wild fire.
Coming out as the rain.
As a flood I take you in my arms.
In the sky I’ll change from a strong wind into warm rays of sun coming through like a phoenix.

Like a raven in a bath of blood.
In your car when the sun goes down.
My eyes tired from the constant adrenaline and listening to all the noises.

Feeling everything and then being left all alone.
In a half dead place,
with a half dead face.
And a body that’s spreading itself out on the demp sand and grass.

I knew the way to Walhalla.
I fought and came out.
Still here in this world for now.
The fountain is where I walk to during the day.

The half dead place is where I enter the gate when it’s late.
And dark outside.
And lonely.
And bad.

So useless just wondering.
After a long fight, just escaping.
I know I have to be there now alone.
Odin told me to go.
So I listened.

Because I can never stay too long anywhere with anyone.
He knows, I know.
I’m melting in the wild fire that I caused.
That others cause before me.
They pulled me in.
Like a black raven in a blood bath.
And the sky will change.

I take you in my arms like a flood.
Into the warm rays of sun.
Coming through like a phoenix.

At some point in my journey I realised that undoing wouldn't be helpful.
That I should be grateful for all that I've learned, for how much we all have grown.
I am still very proud of all the people around me.
But I want to undo the picture they'll see when I leave.
And I wish I could leave.
Three gates I found and they didn't let me through.
I told the guards that the key was me.
It wasn't enough.
All the stars lined up for the perfect goodbye.
Except for the one thing that should have released me.
The key was ready but the lock didn't fit.
Now I know there's no other way but to rest for the next challenge to find the next gate.
I'm in these  tornadoes circling in and out not coming out.
But I won't come out of this world that I'm in without finding a better way out.
Cause this world that I'm in is not my home and it will never be though I tried to make it so.
People helped me to make it right.
Now we need peace.

Flurazepam sleep.
One at the start of the night, the next one at half past 3. Macrogool digestion, one glass before bedtime. Thyroid meds before breakfast. A blue pill for the overwhelming, the pain, the OCD stress. Anticonception, never having a kid in my life. And vitamins, and one allergies. But Flurazepam sleep or no sleep. Macrogool or no ****.  Thyroid meds or slow death. Blue pill or fast suicide hopefully. And no kid should have to live through this. A mom who can’t take care. And allergies are f*cking annoying! 😁

Letting go is a form of courage.
And so is not giving in when getting tortured.
Iron grinding.
Piercing burning captured body.
Scream!

Trying to block out the pain, the noise, the restlessness.
With love.

Love, compassion and trust.
I have been resentful towards all the struggles.
But what does that bring to anyone or myself?
Although it’s very hard to let go of this feeling.

When I try to live but it’s been so rough and it still feels like that.
And I get distracted all the time from what I really want.
To do, to be, to send out.
I wish it was all over when it keeps not working.

And also because I know all about what it’s been like in the past.
What it felt like.
How I’ve been dead for years.

Because of true suffering and not sleeping.
Not getting myself together.
Not having the right environment.
No peace.

Always fighting.
With a bed.
With noise.
Discomfort.
Pain.
Thoughts.

That brain, it’s torture.
That brain that I tried to **** while feeling dead.

And I close my eyes and say: shhh.
Let me be free.
Or I sing or drink.
I sink into darkness.
Darkness that’s peaceful.

While still fighting.
Knowing about the fight.
It never leaves me fully.
Only when this brain dies.
And I will bring this knowledge to a place where it’s save.
Where I’m save.

Where I’m not dead.
But in love.
In love and free.

As I’m sitting here stuck again.
Every try is thrown back down by another noise.
A feeling stays.
Discomfort.
Too much.
Why do I try?
It’s takes so long to get anywhere.
It takes so much.
And then later hopefully there’s peace.
An evening with music and beer.
But before there’s a war.
And I never really win, I just get through it.

I've stopped trying to stop the bleeding.
But I can't ignore the stretching.
It's always hurting so I try to numb it.
When I think about death I never know what to expect.

Even though I'm pretty aware of what's out there.
A Matrix full of pain keeping you in chains and it's pulling on me.
But you know, when you feel sick all the time you need somebody to hold you tight.

I've seen my best friend block me because of secret activities he did with somebody.
Now the friend request still pending for me after he quit because she didn't want to leave her husband.
You're ashamed of me, right?

Can't sleep, got to eat, I'm tired, so tired, so drained, so heavy.
Always swear to myself I'll never beg for somebody's love anymore.
Still catch myself doing it.
Can't help but feeling sometimes that the love on this earth is just another lie to keep you in line.
I know love is real but it can be so much more real when it's free.
Think about it: when you're not either exhausted or sad, could you love better?

Or do you use love as another drug, like food, like smoke, like drinks, like meds...
Meds either numb you or maybe when you're depressed they can make you believe you're not sad.
If they help at all and not become another way to have you be the guinea pig to experiment on.

Give me money and I will put these meds in your system, treat you, feed you, feed you more (bull)****!
I'm over this nonsense, be real please.
I can cry everyday but I have no tears left but I constantly feel like I can't breathe.
Hold me, it's the only non-toxic way for me to not feel sick!

I've stopped trying to stop the longing.
I will always be longing as long as I'm living.
It's always hurting so I try to numb it.
But when I think about death I never know what to expect...

Even though I'm pretty aware of what's out there.
A Matrix full of pain keeping you in chains and it's pulling on me.
But you know, when you feel sick all the time you need somebody to hold you tight.

Are you ok?
Why can I not be with the people that I love the most? Why do I not even know how they are right now? My mental health gets in the way. I’m not ok, ok? And I’m pretty sure you’re not doing much better than me. So from a distance here’s my love. I hope it reaches you. I might as well be dead. It’s just the same. But now let’s meet each other in dreams if we could actually sleep. I’d hold you like I can’t when I’m awake. I will never let you go. Not in death, not in my heart. We are together somehow. Somewhere, some time. Hold on until I can hold you. We’ll be ok, ok?

Blackness and white bones.
Weird shapes and water.

Strong scents in the bathroom.
And the pressure of having a lover.

Being a lover.
Being a loner.

Eating fruit while on the go.
Naked rough bodies.

Holding hands, shaving heads.
Pineapple stuck between teeth.

Being a loner.
Being a lover.

Not trying to cover.
The marks, the shadows.

Dancing to the deep voices.
With your eyes closed.

Being a lover.
Being a loner.

Let me go on my own.
Don't let me go.

The pressure of being a lover.
The pressure of having a lover.

Travelling alone without ever settling.
Never forgetting or always forgetting.

I had a lover.
I had to be a loner.

The pressure of being a lover.
The pressure of having a lover.

Let me go on my own.
Don't let me go.

I am travelling inside with you.
Travelling in peace on my own.

Pressure of being inside with you.
Inside a place on my own feeling so alone.

Travelling around blackness and white bones.
Swimming through weird shapes and water.

Strong feelings in a closed off room.
The pressure of being together.

I'm not having any fun.
Sleeping till 2 pm.
Going to bed at midnight.
My body's not ready for the day.
Never anymore.
Not ready to be loving, not ready to be ready.
Self distruction because of feelings, heavy, clumsy.
Always so low or too high at tiny little moments in the day, fighting.
Trying to find space inbetween.
For peace.
For love.
For care.
For you.
For me.

Sick of learning and teaching.
I think I got it all.
This life has been so long already.
Let me be ready.
Ready for the move.
Ready for this love that I've been craving possibly all my life long.
It is not here, it can't be done here.
Doesn't fit with all my so lows and too high highs to come down from right.
Trying to find peace in everything.
Through walking.
Through dancing.
Through listening.
Through singing.
Through breathing.

Fresh air.
Fresh love.
Fresh life.
Fresh form.
Fresh space.

Being a fresh new being.
Being in a fresh new world.
Being with a fresh new loving.
Being a fresh new creation.
Developed into something.
Fresh and new.

Such darkness, so little of what you deserve. The pain keeps on running like cold waterfalls of mud. There’s no comfort. I don’t give you the love that you should be given. I am a dark stream. And you try to swim but we’re going down under over and over. And I can’t breathe. But I love being under if the water’s not so cold. And you make it warmer. But I can’t make the waterfalls calm down at all. I try every day and night. The ******* fish are swimming and so are the gold fish that we’re both killing. Every night I see them coming. And dying. I see their bones lying in the field. In the dark. I don’t know what this all means. I don’t know why we’re doing this. There’s no end to this fight until I’m burned up and dry. Like a red rose in the night sky forever. Your lady of the waters, the dark waters and the blue dress floating. I’m forever a red rose bending if I’m not like a lady of the dark waters in a blue dress. And a red rose in the night.

I’ve come to put a limit to your pain.
To early cold morning tears.
Chug me down like a special beer.
Today is where the flowers bloom and the wind is light.
You’re running free, the dewy sky brings you to life.

Everything is dark.
But you’re fighting for your freedom.
And I’ve come to the rescue.
I’m your music and your special place inside.
I’m your first sip of a perfect tea.
And I’m the arms you wake up in.

I’m safety and freedom.
I block out the noise.
I set you free like a dove.
I’m everything you dream of.
Everything that’s inside.
Of you.

I’m yours and I won’t leave, I will love you till the end and beyond.
I’m the reflection from your eyes.
I’m the colors that are with you and the darkness full of magic.
I’m the Christmas lights.
I’m the sparkling sea.
I’m the deep dive.
The crying rain.
The thunder and lightning.
The fireworks.

By one touch you will feel me all over.
And I’m overwhelming you in the best way.
But you can’t always reach me.
I’m rare to find.
But when I’m there everything is right and your dreams are bright.

In this world you can’t be with me most of the time.
I’m just the longing that keeps you dreaming loving the feeling.
I’m that one special person.
That place underground.
Inside your super conscious.

I have no right to judge.
I am the same, I have become the same.
I have no reason to change, although I have someone I care about.
But my perception of life remains the same.
And I’m not able to help anyway.
Not more than I am now, which is from a distance.

So why should I stop what I’m doing?
I can only make steps towards any possibility of getting out of this.
But am I better or worse than the people that are toxic?
No, because I am too.
They are hurting, and so am I.
And nobody deserves to, but we are.
Toxic, hurting, irresponsible, human beings.

But I hope we will do our best, especially for the duties we got.
Having children is one.
Being a sibling is one as well
We may have a journey in life which we did not always ask for, it seems.
But we grow from it.
We need to somehow.
Like a task which for many is hard.
And for some it’s a too **** hard one to fulfill.

Parents aren’t always present.
And I hope that anyone will find anyone that will be there sometimes to care.
But we always got ourselves to blame first and need to have our own back when nobody else does.
These times are about changing patterns and behaviors.

Some of us are warriors in this battle.
Some of us are still trying to escape.
And for some, it seems too late.
They have died, but yet are still here, can’t be saved, can’t escape.
Not completely.
They are not sleeping, they are dead people.
Still walking the earth trying to manage what’s left of their existence.

I can’t help but feel like it takes too much to be ok.
So, I’m not ok.
And I take too much.
I am at this point where people don’t always understand I’m not happy or grateful for life.
But I’m not apologizing for how I feel.
I need to be real and I try my best everyday and every night.

But I need to escape.
And I’m figuring out what is working still which is not a lot
But I’m loving the people that may make me feel a little bit more alive each day.
And the things, the little things, the moments where I can drift away from all that is hurting from all that is wrong.

Those things keep me going and are helping me to hold on and stay.
In the moment in the arms of the people that matter.

🩷🥲🤗🩷

Hugs matter, people matter.
Look at the homeless guy looking at nothing.
All of the afternoon.
He’s just sitting with all of his belongings.
On a brick and I gave him a smoothie and he thanked me in the kindest of ways.
And I just walked away, hoping that I gave him a feeling that he mattered.
Because that’s all that I could give in that moment.

And I only expect people to give what they can give.
Cause that’s all that matters, doing what you can and trying your best.
And if in the end, that’s not enough, then you’re still enough.
Because you are a fighter and therefore winning.
Because you’re always growing.

You experience things from many different sides.
So you know what feels right and what does not.

Don’t call me ever.
Don’t leave me alone.
Don’t ever expect me to show up.
Don’t expect me to not show up.
Pick me up from the floor if you want me to be there.
That’s where you’ll find me these days.
I won’t pick up.
Won’t pick myself up.
I just survive unless you really want you and me to try.
Try to be together for some time.
I close my eyes till we arrive and the place you want to take me.
That’s where you’ll have me fully.
If you and I try.
I close my eyes and drift off sometimes, when you talk I don’t reply.
I hear every word.
I probably love to hear it and think about it.
But I don’t answer right away.
I lie there as your twin baby.
Slowly and slightly reaching for you and pulling away again.
Maybe even do a little dance.
And then start to tell a story that has no end.....

I just want a save place to cry and recover.
You can come by.
But I need space and escaping.
Too much is happening.
You and I are doing everything we can.
But it feels like not living most of the time for me.
Surviving torture, just having to still deal with everything.
Life, sensitivity, overwhelming, ocd...
Trying to make things ok, tired and broken.
I want to not feel trapped in life keeping me down.
I want to cycle under bridges screaming, I want to sing and create something.
How can I somehow feel this through all of this happening?
Moving again, changes, draining things, waiting.
You are the reason I’m still willing to give in.
Give in to life because of giving in to love.

Stuck in transition.
Don't guide me.
I'm not like any of the things you show.
I'm all the colours which makes me darkness, heavy and ill.
Around here I can't function.
All I do is keep on trying.
Just to make it ok enough to last a little longer.
I wish everything would fall away alltogether.
So that would be my que to leave.

I'd run and fly as fast and far away to a place where I feel ok.
Still also keep on fighting from there for this to never happen
to anybody ever again!
But I'm still stuck in transition now.
It hurts and gets extremely exhausting.
I may just break through this soon anyway.

Enough trying to make it right has been done and it will keep on hurting.
Don't guide me, I've asked for it before.
It brought me only to places of horror.
Only some good people that gave me so much magic in this world of pain and suffering.
But I'm not like any of the things you show.
The people I met seem to not be also but close to Blue Ray, I felt at least with one.

May they all find peace and destiny.
They don't need guidance, they are their own guides through life but they need love and peace.
To gather their strength.
It's too late for me now, I just need to leave when I can.
I'm all the colours which makes me darkness, heavy and ill.
Around here I can't function.

If I’d just confessed to you exactly what I feel. Exactly what I’d want. Would you be glad to know? Or would you rather have me say nothing? Change nothing and let you be? What do you want? I never know. You are so busy and so occupied. There seems to be no time for love in this life! Or no energy. I get it. Alone time is precious but so are these moments. These moments shared. But what if it’s not right? What if it won’t work? We’ll only know if we try.

But maybe you don’t care. Or maybe you’re just happy to be fine all alone. Just like the way I feel after surviving all these fights. Again and again. Exhausted. But you have to live a little too? Not just experience the pain. Maybe I can help. Or maybe I make it worse. Or both. Probably both. I’m good with that. Destroying you while turning you upside down. I’m like alcohol. Sometimes you throw me up, sometimes I’m the escape of all the misery you face…

To life,

Don’t take this as an angry note please but I’m out of this game. I won’t be scared to fail anymore. I know there will always be something not ok in here. For me that’s what it always has been like. I was called “too sensitive” or “weird” constantly. I tried to explain myself or situations in hope to make a difference. And I hope it shifted some little parts. I was always a part of something far beyond this place. The experience of life. On earth. But this game got me tired like I lived 3300 years instead of 33. I will turn 33 this February. If I make it. And if so I’m still out of the game. Because I’m following my own plan alone. No fears, no care. I’m beyond the caring about things. I will always care about people. Especially the ones who’s journeys have crossed mine and made it worth it. But this game ends for me. The challenges are over, I’m just existing here now. Making the best of it. That alone takes a lot. But that’s all I’m willing to bring to this world from now on. My best without caring so much about it being the best version. Just the version I am. And if that feels too wrong to be here I’ll be gone forever. Out of this game and out of this place for good because it doesn’t feel good. Even worse now. I’m feeling old, tired, worn out, not excited anymore. Thanks for all the things falling into place whenever they needed to. I appreciate it. I’ve noticed it. Thanks for the growth. But there’s been too much decay in me to stay here.

Sincerely,

Sharon
A.k.a Zeena and all the other versions and names before.

There's a lot going on with a lot of people.
A lot of people that I love.
And me.
There's a lot I want to do.
Instead I try my best to listen and burn a candle.
I tell some how brave they are.
And strong.
Inside I cry, think no one deserves this tension, terror, helplessness.
I get a group hug from my spirit guides.
I raise my hands up to the sky.
I sing a song.
Trying to be in the moment.
Loving, embracing.
The good things in life.
The contact, the connection, affection.
Come get that embrace.
I'll send it out as well.
Walking and singing being one with nature.
We're in this together.
I want to tell my friends: you're not alone.
You're never alone.
Warrior, soldier, viking.
You're divine, amazing, you can do it.
ALWAYS.
But it hurts.
So bad.
But you're a badass.
The fire burns inside your eyes.
The waves of your power go high.
You fly with your wing spread out wide.
The wind is with you.
So is the sky, the universe which you're a part of.
You're never alone.
EVER.
There's a lot going on with a lot of people in this world.
But it never lasts.
And nothing is important.
Only what we are.
INSIDE.
I try my best to be in the moment and burn a candle.

Purple lights through the heavy curtains being shut.
I'll go with the same intense energy.
As the purity of my rage, my love.
My eyelids are dark veils dropping above the deep dark river that scared you.

I drop my body backwards into this deep dark river.
It's cold but I only feel it for a moment.
I land at a place where the idea of you is true.
And you're not just digging your nails into my hands but holding them forever.

Now I'm hanging by your hands above the deep river that scares you.
Apparently I scare you, offend you, I offended you so bad that you'll never forget.
Good, I hope you'll never forget.
Now drop me, I'm not scared, I've been there, you're always near.

Maybe you should jump in with me some day.
Swim with me and hold my hand.
It will only hurt for a moment.
And your life will hurt a lifetime.
With or without me.

My eyelids are dark veils dropping above the deep dark river that scared you.
Just to show you how the truth's been covered up for you ever since you opened your eyes.

Purple lights, you call them fake.
They are the truth coming through like the purity of your rage and my love for you.
I'll come to you with the same energy that offended you.
Just because I love you and want to show you every side of the story.

Before the veils fall down again and the heavy curtains are being shut forever.
Grab my hand and dig your nails into the inside of my fingers before letting go again.
I'm not a sucker of your energy like you feared I would be.
Not a sucker, just a feeler.

And a teller of stories.
Just like you but in a different language.
With different endings.
Different characters.
Stranger places.
With purple lights and endless views.
With background music that you never heard.

Your first time.
First concert.
Greatest offense.
First time in the dark deep river.
I'll hold your hand.
Even though you fear me.
You can trust me.

We'll go with the same intense energy.
And we're connected.
You'll hear/see/feel from me!
As the purity of our rage and love drops over this world as we run all over it together.
Your eyes can tell me that they know of the purple light, but you've been told it wasn't real.

It's more real than this world, don't you know by now?
Grab my hand when you seek for anything different.
My eyelids are dark veils dropping above the deep dark river that scared you.
But I keep my eyes open just to let you spot the purple light.
And I let you decide for yourself how fake it looks this time.
What do you feel/see/hear?

Just energy, where would you be?
Moving through the universe being able to feel/hear/see through the dark blue river.
It wasn't everything but it changed everything, this life, meeting each other.
It wasn't the ending when I closed my eyes.
When the heavy curtains shut.
You've seen the light, now go outside.

A project of love instead of a project of fear.
Killing my ego.
Step by step.

Fear coming from hope and expectation.
Letting go.
Not expecting, but accepting and trusting.

It’s all I can do.
Before I’m ready to leave.
I think I’m done with all that this world has brought.

But now I’m still taking steps towards leaving.
And that thought is soothing.
Also trying to be in the moment and accepting.
It is what it is.

My journey.
I won’t fight it.
It’s been torture but it’s a process.
My project.
My torment.
My breaking point.
Every time, the things that come back again.

But now I need to let go.
Killing my ego.
Step by step.